A/N: Baby steps…
Beta: by the awesome @cos-geek-monkey
Word count: 6975
Read on AO3 Previous chapters
6
After an incredible and intense year, the holiday season was here. The snow covered most of the trees, and it was getting chilly on campus. The college art student was already getting ready to return to DC to spend the holiday break with her mother and her friends.
Clarke sat cross-legged in the floor of her dorm bedroom while she finished packing her clothes from her drawer. The blonde was listening to music, earphone in her ears as she hummed along. She folded her clothes carefully trying to fit them into her already stuffed duffel bag.
After the huge success of the TonDC High Exhibit, Clarke received overwhelming positive feedback and attracted a few buyers. Costia was arranging for her work to be sent to the New York Greene Foundation gallery, which would definitely open up more doors for her. Clarke should be radiant. She should be jumping on the bed bursting with excitement like a 5 year old, but she couldn’t find the energy to do so.
All because of Lexa.
Meeting her again at the art exposition caused conflicting emotions - anger, hate, want, desire - that she couldn’t contain for much longer before she exploded.
Lexa was really the same woman, all regal and composed, a stoic marble statue. However, her eyes were expressive. Clarke could read her now with such ease, a far cry from when she was a crushing student praying that Lexa would pay attention to her. During their short time together, Clarke developed an understanding of Lexa Woods, and that knowledge made Clarke feel like crap. Clarke could totally see the logic behind Lexa’s actions. Lexa was smart, and she never made rash decisions, always followed head over heart. And using her head, Clarke could make sense of why Lexa left her on that mountain, their mountain. Lexa couldn’t run away with a kid who hadn’t even finished high school. Costia was right, where would they have gone? The scandal would have buried Lexa, her aspirations as a writer completely destroyed.
Lexa risked not only her career but her freedom for Clarke.
That realization tore Clarke apart. It was easier to hate Lexa instead of opening herself to Lexa and trust her again. Directing her anger towards the woman who did what was logical, even when it meant breaking her heart in the process, was simpler. Lexa had been ruthless, emotionless and did what she had to do for both of them.
Clarke was almost done packing when a knock on the door snapped her out of her thoughts; she pulled the earbuds out and paused her playlist. “Yeah?”
An obviously sleepy Octavia peeked through the door. “Hey Clarke, you know where I left my soccer jersey? I’ve been looking for it without any luck, and my training begins in 20 minutes. If I don’t go to the gym now, the coach is gonna kick my ass.”
Clarke quirked her brow. “Really? O why are you such a mess? You’re worse than me.” Clarke stood up from the floor reluctantly and went to help her friend look in the laundry room.
Clarke checked the laundry basket taking out all the dirty clothes, but there was no jersey. Then she made her way back to the small couch in their tiny living room and checked underneath it.
“See?” Clarke lifted her ass from the tiles and showed Octavia the wrinkled jersey.
Octavia came running and jumped Clarke hugging her gratefully. “I knew you could find it.” Octavia kissed Clarke’s cheek and went quickly to change into her soccer clothes.
“We’re going back home after lunch, okay? Be here on time O. My mom is going to cook a special dinner for us, and I’d love to be on time.” Clarke reminded her friend before she left their dorm.
“Gotcha, Mrs. G won’t have to wait. Love ya!” Octavia ran out of their dorm.
Clarke returned to her bedroom and placed her ridiculously heavy bag on the bed to zip. She decided to arrange her bookshelves and leave everything clean since it was going to be some time before she returned to her dorm.
While taking out some books to dust her bookshelf, she found Lexa’s Christmas gift from last year. Clarke had no idea why she kept it. She destroyed every other remnant of Lexa from her life. Erasing their pictures from her phone even her contact number. But this book, ‘Sappho: One Hundred Lyrics’ by Bliss Carman, she couldn’t throw away.
Clarke read all the poems in the book. She found that reading poetry allowed her to get in touch with her feelings and find inspiration in the simple things of life. So Clarke immersed herself in several authors such as Neruda, Blake, Lord Byron and many more.
She sighed and opened it, she read the XXII poem.
“Once you lay upon my bosom,
While the long blue-silver moonlight
Walked the plain, with that pure passion
All your own.
Now the moon is gone, the Pleiades
Gone, the dead of night is going;
Slips the hour, and on my bed
I lie alone.”
The poem reflected how she felt at the moment. Clarke put the book back in its place. No need to remind herself that she had enjoyed Lexa’s class either. She hated English Lit, but when she saw the enthusiasm and passion of Lexa she couldn’t resist falling in love with literature. Not that she was ever going to admit Lexa’s role in it.
Her phone started to ring, and Clarke pressed the answer button. “Raven hey. Yeah she’s in training. We should be back before nightfall. Yep, I’ll pick you up and from there we go to my place to celebrate. My mom is gonna cook dinner for us, aha, yeah you got it.”
Clarke concluded arranging and cleaning her shelves. Still on the phone, she went to the bed, grabbed the strap of her heavy bag. Then she took her backpack and slung it over her shoulder as she went downstairs to her car to pack the trunk. “Nope, hell no Ray. You do remember how fucked up last year’s holiday break party at Monty’s was? Yeah yeah, we’ll see Reyes, I’ll think about it. I gotta go now, Costia is waiting for me before I leave. I’ll text you when I get home.” Clarke finished the call and shoved the phone into her backpack. She unlocked her car and put her duffel bag inside before going to Ms. Greene’s office.
On the way to the art workshop Clarke stopped at the campus bookshop and to her surprise there was a holiday edition of ‘Polis Magazine,’ which she quickly bought. After Alexandria and her became mutuals on twitter, the two of them texted each other almost every day. They started to become close online pals, and Clarke was pleased to have the famous writer on her follower list. The writer always found ways to bring calm to her inner rage and offered words that were kind and wise. She felt connected to Alexandria somehow, as if they had a deep understanding of one another, and so Clarke found it more helpful to discuss topics with her than with her own best friends.
Clarke stashed the magazine inside her backpack. She was going to meet first with Costia, and then she could sit down in the workshop to read Alexandria’s article in the surprise extra edition of ‘Polis.’ She planned to text the woman with her comments on her column as soon as possible.
After a 15-minute walk Clarke approached Costia’s office. As always, she knocked. After receiving the response to come in, she opened the door. She noticed that Costia was speaking on the phone so she only waved. She started to remove the bag from her shoulder when she heard the name of the person on the other end of the phone.
“Don’t be so stubborn Lexa, this is a great opportunity for you, and it’s also a way for me to make up for last time. I’ve been honest, and told you all expectations. It’s a couple of months Lex. Good, and don’t worry, Anya offered to take me to the airport. Yeah you too, bye.” Costia smiled at Clarke when she concluded the call.
“Hello Clarke, how are you?”
“Good, thanks.” The girl wanted to ask what that was about, but it was clearly none of her business. She bit her tongue and waited for the woman to address her.
Costia stood up from her chair and opened an oak storage cabinet. Inside it was filled with several files and dvd’s of previous expositions. From the lower shelf she took a small package wrapped in Christmas paper. Costia walked towards Clarke and handed it to the girl.
“Merry Christmas, Clarke. I won’t be here for the holidays to give you this personally.”
Clarke accepted the gift with hesitation. “You shouldn’t have Costia, um, I didn’t get you anything.”
Costia laughed heartily, her dark curls bouncing with her cheery laughter. “No need Clarke, what you do with your art is more than enough for me and the Foundation.” Costia returned to her seat. She licked her lips, preparing her next words. “I travel to New York every holiday season to be with my parents. Last year I invited Lexa, I had hoped to introduce her to my folks, make our relationship more official.”
Clarke couldn’t meet her stare; it was her fault that Lexa had declined that invitation.
“She was in love with you around that time; her rejection hurt me. I was still hopeful knowing that she had been distancing herself from me. As you know she broke up with me after I returned.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
Costia shook her head. “No Clarke, I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad about it. You already suffered for this. I can tell. Lexa did what was best for us. She hurt me, but she ended our relationship for my sake and hers. If she had kept me by her side Lexa would’ve been miserable and me too. It was the right call, even when at the time to me it seemed heartless and cruel.”
Clarke raised her sight to meet the brown dark eyes of the woman in front of her friend and mentor. There was no judging from her tone, instead, it sounded sympathetic. Costia had shown by example how to be forgiving; she is a formidable woman who couldn’t harbor hate in her heart. Costia Greene was indeed remarkable.
“Head over heart.”
Costia grinned nodding, “Yes, exactly.” The gorgeous teacher chewed her lower crimson lip. “It’s Christmas time Clarke. It’s a time to be joyful, not filled with bitterness.” Costia reached for Clarke’s hand and held it firmly in hers. “You’re someone I have learned to appreciate and care for, and I cannot wish anything more for you than to let go of that anger. Whether it is to find someone new in your life to love, or to simply be single and happy, I don’t care. I need you to be that girl I met in school with a huge smile on her face.”
Clarke curved her lips. Costia was really an amazing woman, she couldn’t be more grateful to have her on her side. “I’ll try.”
That answer apparently was enough for the woman. She let go of Clarke’s hand. “It takes time Clarke, god knows I wanted to hate you too. You were younger, beautiful.” Costia chuckled at the irony; she had been in Clarke’s shoes as well. “In my mind I doubted myself, and I hated you for taking what was mine. I realized that I never had Lexa’s heart in the first place, she didn’t trust me completely. I cried for many days and nights and Anya…” Costia stopped abruptly. “Anya… she, she has always been there for me. Anya looks like a cold-hearted woman, but she’s not.”
“Miss Forrest is your version of Raven and Octavia. Yeah, I talked about Anya with Lexa a lot. She seems like a total different person in class, but she’s cool.”
“Not exactly, not to me. Anya has always been that to Lexa. They are like sisters actually. They behave pretty much the same way; both have that cold demeanor but inside are caring. Anya is… I really don’t know. I guess we both need to fix our life Clarke. I’ll depart to New York tomorrow, your paintings are already on their way. Are you going to sell them all?”
“Yeah, like you said it’s Christmas time, I guess I better get rid of the things that make me sad and mad.”
“Good decision.”
“Alright then, um, have a happy holiday and New Year, Costia.” Clarke stood up and slung her backpack ready to depart.
Costia stood up, took a couple of steps towards Clarke and hugged her. The embrace was comforting. Clarke leaned onto the woman’s shoulder and her arms circled her back, relishing in the warmth of each other. Costia broke the embrace, “you too Clarke.”
Clarke nodded and walked out of the office seeking the privacy of the workshop in the back of the building.
She opened the curtains to let the sunlight into the working area. She dropped her bag and even though she was tempted to open Costia’s gift, she decided to wait til Christmas day. She took out the magazine. Walking to the nearest stool, Clarke pulled it out and sat down. The first thing she did, of course, was read Alexandria’s ‘Between the Sheets.’
“Sometimes we are lucky to have family and friends to spend the holidays with. Other times we aren’t. We are the ones who are rejected by our family for our beliefs, sexual orientation or preferences. There is no shame in not wanting to celebrate with them when they hurt you so badly. It’s okay to want to stay away from celebrations and parties if it makes you uncomfortable too.
Find the time to care for yourself because you deserve it. Enjoy the holidays however you see fit, dear reader. Most importantly find the time to recognize your mistakes and free yourself of the burden of harboring hate inside your heart. Start this new year with positivity and surround yourself with friends that love you the way you are.
I am thankful for everyone reading this column. I want to thank you deeply for opening your arms to me.
And to you, my love. I miss you. I know you don’t want me anymore but what can I say other than I need you to understand me. I feel certain that you’ll come around one day; you’re smart and wonderful. Your heart is what makes you strong, don’t let the pain take that away from you. This holiday I can’t give you my love for you don’t want it, however, take these words. Wherever you are, I wish you a Merry Christmas! Wherever you are, it’s just you and me between the sheets.”
Clarke couldn’t erase the smile on her face. Alexandria had an inexplicable way of expressing a wide array of emotions in one magazine page. Alexandria knew how to reach her audience with compassion and love, writing of forbidden feelings and desire. This article made her feel giddy inside, no wonder half of Alexandria’s fans were in love with her. Clarke could also fall for these words of love if she had not given her heart to another long ago. Maybe she could hope to love again. Clarke desperately wanted to rid herself of feelings for Lexa and love someone new, someone like Alexandria.
The art student grabbed her phone and clicked the twitter app to text her bud Alexandria about her column.
Princess69: ur getting corny for the holidays Alexandria. I’ve never read smth as sappy as this ;)
Clarke put the phone back in her backpack and took out her sketchbook; she was tempted as usual to continue looking for articles in the magazine written by the other writer she knew. The one whom she hated and probably still harbored other unwelcome feelings for that she refused to acknowledge. Focusing on her art was what she was going to do. She retrieved pencils from a nearby desk to begin a new sketch.
She closed her eyes and pictured happiness. She wanted to make something nice, filled with joy. Costia was right. She had to find her old self. She had the right to find love again, and Lexa was not going to stop that.
Clarke began to draw what beautiful sky she could see from the window above her, she was tracing the first lines when her phone bleeped. Clarke left her materials on the table and opened her bag to grab her phone. As soon as she saw the new message, she unlocked the screen.
AlexandriaBTS: You think so? The same thing said my best friend.
Clarke tried to picture it, Alexandria being pretty oblivious of her words and her friend telling how dumb she was being.
Princess69: totes. I mean, did u even read ur shit? Ur like all holiday advice gal and then you go back to sappy in love Alexandria. Who is this person really?? U sure they don’t want u back?
AlexandriaBTS: haha I guess when I write I express all the things I can’t say to her face.
Princess69: HER???
“Oh shit. I had no idea it was a woman she was writing about all along.” Clarke said to no one and sent another text to ease Alexandria’s tension, if any.
Princess69: Not a homophobe or anything like that. Sorry if I seemed rude. I was surprised. Guess I have heteronormativity ingrained in my head. I shouldn’t have assumed the person you wrote about was a man.
Still no answer.
Princess69: I was in love w a woman too. I’m bi.
She thought Alexandria slipped. They have been chatting as if they were regular friends. Commenting on Netflix TV shows whenever one was bored or had the time, recommending movies to watch or foods to try. Alexandria had never revealed anything about this person in the magazine. Clarke assumed that she was comfortable enough that Alexandria simply wrote it without much thought. Clarke finally saw that Alexandria was writing. She was taking her time for sure. Clarke didn’t want to ruin the friendship she was building with this woman, Clarke enjoyed chatting with her. Neither revealed particularly personal information, and Clarke was okay with that, but now she didn’t know if she fucked up.
AlenxadriaBTS: Hi bi, I’m gay.
And that was all it took for Clarke to burst in laughter, a laughter free of anger and hate. Authentic laughter had been missing from her life for too long. Alexandria was starting to become the bringer of light into her life.
Princess69: dooooork. lmao.
AlexandriaBTS: I guess we have that in common, our past lovers are of the female kind :)
Princess69: yeah, mine ended being a total asshole tho. Hope yours was better.
Alexandria: She is the most amazing girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. It is my fault things ended. I’m not perfect but in my imperfection I found the one who made me be the best version of myself. My equal in all aspects.
Princess69: sorry things didn’t work out. Anyway, I liked ur holiday issue very much <3
Alexandria: Thank you, and can we keep this between us?
Princess69: u mean between the sheets??? Loool, yeah it’s cool. U can trust me.
AlexandriaBTS: I do :)
Princess69: plans for xmas?
AlexandriaBTS: None, small dinner with my best friend. Probably will drag me out to one of those random parties.
Clarke tried to imagine Alexandria being dragged to a party. It was obvious to her that the writer wasn’t the type to go wild. She would call her conservative if she had to describe her.
Princess69: yeah, my friends probs will do the same. It was a nice article for reals. ttyl.
AlexandriaBTS: Take care.
Curiosity was dangerous, and danger thrilled Clarke. She passed the page of her buddy Alexandria and reached the section where the one and only Lexa Woods wrote her piece. Her article was a full spread and the title in bold letters, ‘May We Meet Again by Lexa Woods,’ triggered too many painful memories. Clarke closed her eyes trying to shut down the screams in her head, the sound of bullets hitting flesh, and the blood, so much blood flowing like a river, deep red staining Lexa’s shirt.
Clarke snapped her eyes open focusing on the article and pushing aside the horror trapped in her mind.
Clarke began to read.
“A year ago our city suffered a huge loss. It was a cold night filled with laughter and above anything love. A celebration where the students of TonDC High School had their Winter Formal…”
Clarke read as Lexa described the incredible night they had, it had been a magical night for them both. Clarke couldn’t have been more in love with Lexa, and Lexa was in love with her. However, the woman had been strong keeping her at a distance. But Clarke had made sure to look as beautiful as she could to seduce her, to lure her into her arms and to conquer once and for all the woman who had been elusive to her.
A night that had ended with a kiss and tragedy.
“… We remember each of your names – Trina, Pascal, Atom, Dax, Charlotte, Jones, John Mbege, Deek, Roma, Diggs, Connor, Myles, Fox, Del, Bree, Glen, Derek and Wells – you are in our memories everyday, and you are missed. May we meet again.”
The tears fell on the magazine one after the other. Lexa’s words had been touching, offering comfort to the families and bringing hope after the tragic event. She didn’t even mention the perpetrator, Finn Collins, nor her name. Lexa wrote about the special night all of her classmates celebrated in unison and happiness. This article was about remembering the ball and honoring those students, not to remind the population the name of the monster who did it and the girl who ended his life.
She was no hero. Nia insisted on calling her one, but she didn’t get it. Clarke was to blame for their deaths; Finn killed the 18 of TonDC because she dumped him. She used him, and he was jealous. Raven was hurt and suffered permanent injuries because of her stupid games. Wells was killed because she decided to hang out with him that night. Lexa was shot, and Anya was almost killed. All because of her.
Clarke was never going to forgive herself.
And yet, reading this article that promoted a message of peace and forgiveness, she remembered Lexa’s words “Blood must have blood and Finn paid with his. Justice was served.”
Clarke promised Lexa after that night to try to stop blaming herself, however, it was easier said than done. And a year later she still had nightmares about her bloody hands sinking the sharp object in Finn’s abdomen, and the fear of Lexa stepping in front of the gun ready to die.
Because of me.
Clarke tried to calm her heartbeat. She wiped the tears with the back of her hands and headed to the washroom. She splashed cold water on her face and washed her hands. Looking back at her reflection in the mirror on the wall she could see the redness and puffiness of her eyes. If Octavia saw her like that, she was going to make her friend worry again, and this was not the moment to do so. Clarke had to be strong.
The trip back home took Clarke a couple of hours. Octavia was babbling about the amazing parties that they were going to go during the holidays and how much fun they were going to have with their squad. Also, Octavia was pretty excited to spend the holidays with Raven, the couple had spent little time together since they began their studies. The rare times they saw each other were far too short.
Clarke parked outside of Raven’s place and texted her friend to come downstairs. Octavia got out of the car anxiously waiting for her girlfriend. As soon as Raven reached the front door Octavia ran and hugged Raven with all the happiness in the world. Raven’s smile got wider, and she pulled O harder into her frame. The two girls were smiling and being all mushy with one another.
Once her friends became reacquainted, Clarke drove them back to her house.
“Welcome back honey!” Abby opened the door of the Griffin household. Clarke parked in the garage and met her mother with a kiss. Abby trapped her daughter in a crushing hug. “I missed you so much, Clarke. Welcome home baby.”
“I missed you too mom.”
“Hey Mrs. G, thanks for having us tonight.” Raven held Octavia’s hand, and the two girls followed Clarke inside the house.
The wonderful aroma of a homemade meal made their stomachs growl in anticipation. The Christmas decoration of her house was pretty simple. Her mother was busy at the hospital and of course, taking the time to decorate a house on her own was almost an impossible task. Still, the Christmas tree glowed with its red, blue and green lights. Small decorations hung from the branches and on the kitchen door a huge candy cane adorned the wood. It was simple but pretty. Little green and red stockings were on the living room and outside in the garden Clarke thought she saw a couple of reindeers lighting the porch.
“How are you doing girls? How has college life been treating you?” Abby asked the dynamic duo who were helping Clarke set the table while Abby pulled the turkey out of the oven.
“It’s intense, combining soccer practices with studies is hard.” Octavia said as she arranged the silverware.
“There are some boring classes too, not gonna deny that.” Clarke added.
“Yeah, that too. But it’s another thing being away from home on your own. I miss my bro and this cute wrench monkey here.” Octavia pecked Raven’s cheek making her blush.
“I missed you too.” Raven distributed plates, and Clarke helped with the beverages.
“And I missed you all. This house feels very silent without the three musketeers.” Abby brought the different dishes of food. Once every plate, glass and cutlery was on the large table, the four women sat to eat.
Clarke was happy to be back after living in the dorm since summer. Tonight was special; she was back with her mother and had the best friends in the world at her side. The only thing missing was the one who broke her heart. That was the price to pay, she couldn’t be 100% happy. However, what she had at the moment was enough or at least had to be enough.
Later that night being back in her bedroom with her friends sleeping in the guest room, it was as if no time has passed. It felt like she was back in school and her friends were staying over after a big weekend party. Clarke was supposed to be blissful. She was reunited with her mom, back in her bed and her bedroom that was just like she left it, but cleaner. Nonetheless she was still grieving the loss of her father, and the recently stirred memories of the TonDC shooting totally ruined that joy she was supposed to feel. Guilt was starting to creep again into her consciousness, and she needed a distraction. She took her phone from the nightstand and sent a quick text to Alexandria. It seemed that neither of them slept much because they tended to message each other late at night. It was another perk of being friends with the famous writer. She could write her whenever she wanted and almost instantly she got a reply.
Princess69: I’m conflicted. I hate my ex but is it normal to still be attracted to her?
She sent her question to the woman and put her phone back in place. She looked back at the ceiling, her hands entangled on top of her abdomen. She waited for a response, but none came. Her mind started to wander to Lexa instead of seeking sleep.
Green, green, green.
The damn color was stuck in her mind, and her wild curls were soft in her hands. Her senses could almost smell her and taste her.
“Fuck!” Clarke felt the pool of heat starting to drench her panties. Because she could feel it on her tongue now, the tangy taste of Lexa she had memorized, of her silent whimpers flooding her ears. Clarke inhaled and let the air out slowly through her trembling lips. Clarke closed her eyes, the vivid image behind her lids was glorious and perfect. She slid her hand under the waistband of her navy blue pajama lounge pants and met drenched cotton underneath.
“Fucking hell!”
Her fingers started to circle her clit, and her mind raced with images of Lexa kneeling in front of her sucking it, lapping with her tongue and eating her alive.
Clarke couldn’t take it anymore and pulled the material covering her sex. She spread her legs wider and slid her fingers inside as she kept working her sensitive organ with her other hand.
Her breaths came out harsh and faster. She tugged her lower lip between her teeth keeping her moans to herself; she didn’t want her mother barging in her room and finding her in this compromising position.
“I. Hate. You!” Clarke breathed as she felt the muscles clamp around her fingers and the tension in her abs as the waves of her orgasm rippled through her body.
Minutes later after she came down from the high her eyelids started to close, the guilt of the dead was gone, only to be replaced with guilt for wanting someone she despised.
“Fuck you Lexa! Fuck. You.” Clarke snarked.
She wiped herself clean and put on new undies. She returned to bed, covered her body, and let sleep take her away from the ugly truth.
_________________________
Her breaths were harsh, intense, the drop of sweat that ran down between the valley of her breast sent a major tremor of arousal. Pushing deeper and faster, her phone bleeped in the distance. Lexa kept working herself harder, relentlessly, never stopping, it was around midnight, and she could only imagine who it was at this time.
“Not… now…. ah aaah… Princess69… I’m busy here.” Lexa gasped as her fingers plunged deeper and she bit her lip. “Claarke please…” Lexa begged as she closed her eyes and remembered how good it was, the way Clarke touched her intimately and took possession of her. Her marks all over her body, Clarke was not shy regarding sex, and she took and took and took. Lexa would give everything and anything for her.
The climax hit her hard, Lexa clenched her teeth drowning the name of her beloved. After a couple of minutes splayed in a bed too vast and bleak for her taste, she rolled on her side to check the phone.
As expected it was Princess69, however, the question was interesting. She knew that this girl’s ex had hurt her deeply, according to her follower she was a complete asshole. Lexa was not one to say if it was true or not, but if the girl still felt a physical connection that was going to make harder to forget whoever hurt the girl.
Lexa received a huge amount of fanmail asking these kind of questions. Cheating boyfriends, broken hearts, lonely girls. Every fan of her column had gone through one of these situations, and she tried to help them as much as she could, however, she had to admit that she had developed certain fondness for Princess69. It propelled her desire to help this particular girl.
Okay that was utter bullshit. Princess69 reminded her of Clarke when in high school. That was the real reason.
AlexandriaBTS: Hate is a strong word, a strong feeling and that means what you felt for her was big if it translates into hate. Being attracted to someone even when you are no longer together is still part of letting go.
Lexa pulled the covers over her sweaty body, it was too cold and lonely. God, how she missed sharing her bed with someone else, feeling the body heat emanating from the other person, the warm skin keeping her sweltering and comfy at nights and during daylight feeling their hands roaming on her body. She missed it. She missed Clarke.
At least she could feel from afar the company of Princess69. Lexa wrote a reply trying to be as honest as she could.
AlexandraBTS: My best friend would say to get underneath someone else’s body, to forget what it felt to be with them. I’m not sure that works, I can only advise you to be patient. Your feelings will fade away. Time is what you need. Don’t beat yourself for liking your ex, okay?
With that Lexa left the phone on her desk and went back to bed dreaming of blue.
Winter was full speed ahead. Snow covered completely the trees and houses of DC. A white that looked so pure that almost gave a celestial appearance to the city. Snow fell in small quantities. The air was chilly, but a good jacket could keep you warm, The sun hid behind thick white clouds, and the eerie silence in the cemetery added to that atmosphere.
Today the students and authorities of TonDC High were reunited to commemorate the anniversary of the deaths of the 18 students who were killed last year. People were sitting in foldable chairs while Marcus Kane offered a speech. You could hear the sobs and cries of some attendees.
Lexa was sitting with Anya and Costia on the second row. The three women listened to words of remembrance and support to the families of each of the fallen kids and for those that survived that night. Lexa looked at the tombstones thinking that she had been close to being one of them. Or Anya, who was very silent as Costia held her hand in comfort. Anya almost died too. Her friend spent many days in the hospital while Lexa waited for news on her recovery. It had been difficult for all of them.
Lexa lifted her gaze and turned around, seeing through the sea of black and grey coats the faces of so many who had been there - Murphy, Monroe, Harper. Other kids that weren’t in her class were also there. Her eyes scanned quickly the rest of the attendees until she found the color she was seeking, the yellow that shone like the sun. Clarke was sitting on the other side in chairs aligned with her inseparable friends Raven and Octavia. Clarke didn’t shed tears, but her face said it all. She needed her. Lexa could read her from afar because as much Clarke could see through her, Lexa could see through Clarke. And the girl was in need of her guidance and nourishment. However, this was not the time to do that. Or maybe never, she lost that right too probably.
Lexa blinked when she heard Marcus calling her. She returned her attention to the Principal of the school where she worked last year.
“Miss Lexa Woods, another survivor and writer for ‘Polis Magazine’ has prepared some words. Marcus invited Lexa to come to the small podium.
Lexa fixed her tie and jacket as she walked to begin her speech. She could feel all eyes on her, particularly the blue ones that made her heart sing.
“Thank you Principal Kane. Many of us sitting here today carry the physical and mental scars of that night. I can assure you I do too. As I wrote in my article we should celebrate the life of those who departed too soon, and those who stood valiantly against adversity, I say to you, we will thrive.” Lexa looked at the audience solemnly, scanning the young kids expressions that still hurt from the memories. “We have suffered enough, don’t beat yourself anymore.” Lexa’s eyes moved to Clarke. “We did what we had to do that night to protect our people. No more guilt.” The writer cleared her throat. “This poem was written by Mary Elizabeth Frye in 1932, she gifted us with her only poem that I dedicate to you today.
‘Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.’”
With that Lexa returned to her seat as Marcus offered his final words and thanked everyone from coming. The gathering started to scatter in a heavy silence, more tears and sobs could be heard, but it wasn’t as sorrowful as before. It was as if a weight had been lifted from their minds and hearts.
“That was beautiful Lex.” Costia kissed Lexa’s cheek and hugged her. “I’m going to go ahead with Anya to the car.” Costia looked at the taller woman on her side, her face was as stern as Lexa’s. Sometimes Costia wondered if her two friends weren’t really sisters separated at birth because they acted alike so much. Costia remembered as if it was yesterday the shooting, the screams, Anya guiding the students to a safe place with Gustus and Indra. And then the boy, Finn, pointed the gun at them and started to shoot randomly, Anya shielded Costia as the bullet tore through her chest, the valiant woman fell on her knees as blood stained her suit. Costia had cried thinking the worst, thinking that she had lost Anya that night as well. Costia pushed away those thoughts. Anya needed her and glowering behind her shoulder she saw the younger blonde girl standing in front of a grave. “We’ll wait for you, take your time.” Costia patted Lexa’s shoulder encouragingly and made her way back to the parking lot with Anya.
Lexa took a deep breath before approaching Clarke again. Her steps were slow, tentative. Making sure that the blonde could see her approach miles away in case she didn’t want to meet her, giving plenty of time to Clarke to go away. She didn’t.
Lexa stopped beside her, her gloved hands inside her long black jacket pockets. The puffs of condensed air was the only manifestation that they were alive.
The brunette read the name on the tombstone - JAHA - the family name of Clarke’s friend who escorted her to the ball. Next her eyes moved to look closer at Clarke. The blonde was wearing a grey beanie covering the crown of her head and ears, her pink cheeks probably were due to the cold surrounding them. Lexa wanted to pull the girl into her arms to warm her, but touching a former student in front of these people was not a good idea.
“I understand.” Clarke was the first who broke the fine balance between them after several minutes in silence standing side by side. Her blue eyes aimed at her. “I understand why you did it.”
Lexa nodded, but didn’t say a word. She was going to let Clarke say all the things she needed to say. This moment was about Clarke, letting her vent and Lexa was on the receiving end, whatever Clarke needed to say Lexa - hate, anger, remorse, pain - she could and would take it all.
Clarke looked at her hands, probably seeing the blood that haunted her nightmares to this day. “I would have done the same, probably.”
“I know.” Lexa curved her lips slightly.
Clarke faced Lexa again taking a step to meet Lexa’s gaze closely. “Doesn’t mean you have my forgiveness.” Her voice was soft like velvet, but it carried the bitterness that Lexa was already getting used to.
“What about you? Have you forgiven yourself, Clarke?”
“With Finn, I did what I had to do. Forgiveness? I’m not sure.”
Lexa sighed lowering her stare before meeting the hypnotizing blue. “I wish it had been me Clarke, the one to plunge the object in his heart, but it is done.”
“I know.”
Clarke closed the space between them and embraced Lexa tenderly, her arms pulling Lexa closer surrounding her arms and neck. Clarke hid her face in the crook of her neck, and the brunette could feel the humidity from silent tears that Clarke didn’t want the world to see. Lexa lifted her hands unsure, moving them afraid to disrupt this moment of understanding. Slowly she snaked her arms around Clarke’s waist and leaned the side of her head into Clarke’s blonde locks. She closed her eyes and let herself feel the warmth of Clarke, to take the generosity of the embrace, the compassion and kindness of the gesture.
This felt more like a truce than anything else, a cease to fire from both sides. Yes, Clarke was angry and bitter, but she also had come to comprehend the difficult decisions that both made. Lexa let her walls down. She pressed closer to the girl offering the only thing she could, her acceptance. Being selfish and having Clarke to herself for the briefest of moments, forgetting about the rest of the world, ignoring reality. It was just Lexa and Clarke.
Whether they could be forgiven or not, that’s another story.
For now, this was enough.