A/N: Time to find out what is going on with Lexa.
Beta: by the awesome @cos-geek-monkey bless her
Word count: 4,361
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2
Lexa knocked on the door and waited. She breathed in and out, in and out trying to calm down; she shifted her weight from one foot to the other while opening and closing her sweaty hands. Lexa was unbearably nervous, never in her life had she felt this way. Today she was. Today she was taking responsibility for her actions.
The door opened, and she held her breath.
“You!”
“Dr. Griffin, may I speak with you?” Lexa tried to remain calm. The woman was eyeing her with complete mistrust.
“How dare you come to my house!? You should be rotting in jail! You abused the trust my daughter gave you!” Abby growled, but she still had the door open. And she thankfully had not called the cops.
“Please listen to me! I know that I made a mistake. But not because of your daughter, I do care for her. I really do Dr. Griffin and that’s why I’m here.”
Abby crossed her arms in front of her chest with her brown eyes narrowing, gazing intently at the writer as if she was ready to chop her head off.
“I know where Clarke is going to be.”
Abby immediately lost her aggressive posture. Her face changed from angry to worried. “Where is my daughter!”
“She wants to meet me and run away Dr. Griffin. So can we talk?”
Abby let Lexa in; the woman pulled a chair from the dinner table and sat. Lexa did the same but still kept a respectful distance from the doctor.
“I didn’t know I was going to develop feelings for your daughter.” Lexa began, next she exhaled slowly before continuing. “I did care for her and I still do. I am sorry I didn’t make the right choice to be upfront with you. I should have come to you and told you that I had feelings for her.” Lexa paused. “In this lifetime or in the next, I’m always going to choose Clarke’s well being. I love her.”
“Ms. Woods, Clarke is just a girl!”
“She stopped being a girl a long time ago Dr. Griffin. You weren’t there for her. You didn’t see how low she fell.”
“You took advantage of her! You manipulated my daughter! You monster!!!”
Abby knew Lexa had a point; she was busy with her work long before Jake died. She expected Clarke to handle herself and yet, after the death of her husband she vanished completely from her daughter’s life.
Lexa lowered her gaze. The spiteful words hurt her, but she came for a reason.
“I didn’t! I taught Clarke how to manage these hardships. She needed you, but you weren’t there. I was, and I helped her as best as I could falling in love in the process. I’m not here to point a finger at you Doctor; we all have our own burdens to carry. I will take you to her Dr. Griffin. Clarke is young, and damn stubborn that unless I do something she won’t let go of this idea to run away.”
“What exactly are you saying Miss Woods?”
Lexa bit her cheek; this was what she had to do to keep Clarke safe. She had to keep Clarke away from her. “I’ll leave her for good. There are people who would do anything to hurt me, and I want Clarke nowhere near my problems. I want her to fulfill her dreams, and you have to be there for her Dr. Griffin. She will need you now more than ever.”
“In exchange for what?” Abby frowned. The woman was still guarding herself from Lexa.
“Nothing. You want to throw me in jail, go ahead. I won’t deny the charges. I know that what I did is wrong, but I swear I didn’t touch your daughter wrongfully. She was a consenting adult when things happened between us. I respect Clarke too much, and her consent is the most important thing for me.”
Abby closed her eyes processing this information and released a deep breath. “Take me to my kid.”
As Lexa reached the mountain there was no one to be seen. It was dark and empty; it was pretty late but Clarke had to be here. Lexa kept walking leading Abby to where she and Clarke used to meet. A place full of fond memories.
“Clarke?” Lexa called. Her surroundings were still empty, only the sound of insects could be heard.
“Where is my daughter!” Abby demanded to know.
“I, I don’t know.” She kept walking trying to pinpoint the location of the blonde.
At the top of the path she saw the blue car that Clarke received for her birthday. Lexa ran and check inside the vehicle, but it was empty, no keys inside either.
“Clarke!” Lexa called with more strength. Her loud voice echoed in the thick forest, but no answer was received.
“Are you looking for Clarke?”
Lexa turned around recognizing that mocking tone and saw Nia sitting on the hood of Clarke’s car. She was smiling and had a medium sized box resting on her lap.
“Where is she?” Lexa clenched her fists and walked towards the woman.
“I have a gift for you Lexa,” Nia offered the box, “hope you like it.” Nia laughed and walked away leaving Lexa with the box in her hands.
The writer felt how heavy the box was and the stench was awful. Still, Lexa removed the tape covering the top of the box, but as she barely opened the lid she saw blonde hair. Lexa felt the bile rise in her throat, and covered her mouth holding in whatever contents she had inside her stomach.
The box fell to the ground tumbling on the soil. Lexa approached it with fear. And with trembling hands , she lifted the lid.
Clarke’s head was inside. The blue eyes looking at her with emptiness and hate.
So much hate.
Lexa’s eyes abruptly opened. It was still early judging by the lack of sunlight filtering into her room. She rolled over on the bed and sat upright, resting her back against the headboard. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her arms over her knees. She closed her eyes in meditation trying to bring calm to her mind’s inner storm. A droplet of sweat ran over her temple; her breaths were labored after the horrific nightmare. Nia Quinn was responsible for all of them. There was not a night that she hadn’t thought about leaving Clarke, and knowing that Nia was still around fed her fear for the girl she left behind. Good thing that Clarke was far away from Nia’s grasp.
Every single day was a day without her sun, a day living like a zombie because the one who made her heart beat was away fulfilling her dreams like she deserved.
Lonely was not an adequate description for living in this penthouse that was too big for her. Now that she had become rather successful she bought a place that Clarke probably would have liked. She bought this place thinking that maybe Clarke would have enjoyed the view. The nature surrounding the place was magnificent, almost like living in the woods, and that’s why it was an extravagant purchase, but Lexa didn’t care.
The spacious penthouse included floor-to-ceiling windows that offered the most gorgeous view of DC, and she had a balcony that was perfect for drinking at sunset. The room that was for Clarke in her mind was a mostly empty studio awaiting to be filled with colors. The only exception - the gorgeous painting that Clarke made last year that almost ended up in the trash.
The penthouse has three bedrooms - master bedroom, second bedroom, and a guest room. Of course, Lexa is in the master bedroom and Anya is living in the second bedroom. She invited her best friend to move in with her because the pain and loneliness were becoming unbearable. Anya always had a way to bring logic to any situation and calm Lexa’s treacherous thoughts.
It’s been 192 days since she left Clarke at the mountain. Everyday that passed was a day that Lexa died a bit inside.
Lexa was happy to hear from Costia that the girl was doing well. Clarke was studying hard and her art was improving. Now Clarke could be safe from the shadow of her mistake, be free and never be pointed at for engaging in an illicit affair with her. She made the right choice. In her mind she knew it was for the best, but her heart didn’t think so. Lexa always pushed those feelings aside.
She glanced at her watch on the night table. It was almost 6:30 am, and she had a lot of things to do. Reluctantly, Lexa made her way downstairs to her kitchen when the smell of bacon hit her senses.
“Morning Lex!” Anya looked like she was pretty awake. She was wearing only a white t-shirt and it looked like her neck was covered probably by bruises which meant she had fun last night.
“Morning An, you seem pretty energized today.” Lexa pulled the stool at the kitchen counter to take her seat while Anya cooked.
Anya laughed chirpily, “That’s what a good and healthy sexual life does to you Lex. You should try it someday.” The blonde smirked but kept focused on her task.
That was one of the things that Lexa envied of her friend and sister of the heart. Anya could be pining for her ex, but that didn’t stop her from enjoying casual relationships with men and women constantly. Lexa had a harder time hooking up with random strangers without picturing someone else. Lexa looked for pieces of Clarke into every girl who flirted with her at a bar or club. The kisses she shared with them were lacking that connection she felt with the blonde, and so she would return home alone to her empty cold bed to take care of her physiological desires. She couldn’t have sex without imagining Clarke spread in her bed sheets moaning loudly, marking her body, feeling her soft hands and her clever mouth on her tatooed skin. It was as if her life was split into two parts. There was her life before Clarke and after Clarke, and her body recognised and accepted the ultimate truth that Clark was the one.
“I rather focus my energy on writing Anya. You know that I can’t waste time, not after I got the book deal.”
Her escape was her writing. Her hideout to pour her feelings out into the light and not keep them in the darkness that enveloped her since she left Clarke.
Alexandria could reach a large audience of people that needed hope or someone to talk to them. If she could talk to them and make them feel good, ease their pain just a bit, engage them, then she would feel like she is making a positive contribution to the world. It really didn’t matter whether she sometimes pissed them off as with one of her twitter followers, Princess69, she enjoyed the connection and banter with the readers. Princess69 was unique and rather intriguing as one of the most fervent critics of her column, maybe even the only one.
Two months ago Lexa was called back to Dante Wallace’s office. The man was extremely satisfied with the huge success of ‘Between the Sheets.’ He thought that he could reward Lexa’s effort by securing her the chance to write a book based on her successful column. He put her in contact with a publishing company, and she made an unbelievable deal for 1.5 million dollars. Such a deal was unheard of for a first time writer and was truly a testament to her impact on her readers. The book was supposed to be published next year. Therefore, Lexa put all her effort into her writing. The book was in addition to all of her other columns and duties at the magazine. All those late night parties with Anya usually ended early for her, returning home to sit in her austere office and write until she heard Anya coming back with random strangers late into the night.
“I know Lex, but writing is the only thing you do lately. I don’t want to lose you to despair. I want my best friend back. You have shut down in a vicious circle of pining.”
Anya served breakfast and distributed the plates. She took the empty stool beside Lexa and sat looking Lexa with concern.
“You won’t lose me Anya. And I’m not pining.” Lexa offered a small smile and focused her attention to eating her breakfast before hitting the magazine.
The day usually passed rather quickly at ‘Polis’ where writers, photographers, models and everyone involved in the industry kept going up and down the elevator. Editors requested copies as secretaries made calls, and on the 12th floor of the large building Lexa was discussing with Ryder the topics that her readers commented on the most to prepare interesting discussions and material to publish.
Lexa was still in her office some time later answering questions from readers on the magazine blog. She liked to interact with each one of them or at least as many as she could. Alexandria’s fame had risen through the roof and her twitter account was followed by more than 100,000 users. The number of mentions and replies were insane.
It was easy to reach out as Alexandria. Her alter ego that had nothing to hide from the world, no sin and no shame, the one who could express in daylight what she felt for Clarke. On the other hand, Lexa hurt the most wonderful girl and left her to fend for herself. She left her with a broken heart, and now Clarke hated her for it. Lexa’s only choice was simply to love her from afar in the dark. This was her day to day existence, interacting with readers and pining for a girl she intentionally pushed away.
“The most important thing is to love yourself first, don’t give your heart away to someone who doesn’t deserve it or who might not value you in the same regard. You are important and I know that you feel that no one will ever lay eyes on you. Let time take care of it and when the time is right you’ll see that person is standing right in front of you - A.”
Lexa posted the last reply on the blog and quickly reviewed the mentions she got in her account. A smirk spread on her face as soon as she recognized her most interesting follower’s username.
“Hello again, Princess69.” Lexa read the tweet out loud feeling the bitterness of her words burning her tongue. “@Princess69 says To forgive a traitor? Ha! A thousand cuts is what they deserve if you ask me.”
Why are you in so much pain? Lexa questioned herself in wonder. She clicked the reply button and started to type her tweet.
@AlexandriaBTS: Why do you have to hold a grudge @Princess69 ? Isn’t it better to forgive and move on? - A
Lexa didn’t expect a reply. In fact she was about to shut her computer when she received a notification. A frown formed on her face when she read the girl’s reply. The more she interacted online with this person, the more glimpses of their persona she discovered. She knew that Princess69 was stubborn by the fact that she was clearly bitter from whatever happened to her. The username implied some cheekiness, so she imagined it was a young person. And their responses were filled with attitude making Lexa smile.
@Princess69: I can’t believe the amount of crap you write, how can you forgive someone who basically shattered your heart and soul ? @AlexandriaBTS
@AlexandriaBTS: @Princess69 I believe that forgiving won’t make you less of a person, you can forgive but not forget. Who hurt you? - A
Lexa waited for a response, but she guessed she hit a sore spot. “One day Princess69, I hope you can trust Alexandria one day.” Lexa shut down her computer and began to pack her things after a long day.
A knock on the door directed her eyes to the entryway where she met pretty brown eyes and a smile that was comforting.
“Hey you, working hard huh?” Costia pulled out the chair in front of Lexa’s desk and sat leaving her handbag on the edge of the wooden desk.
“Yes, I’m done for the day. I still have to finish a report I wrote about new technologies, but I’ll wrap that up later.” Lexa pulled her messenger bag from under the desk to stash her laptop inside and a couple of folders spread over the desk. “What do you need Costia?”
“I thought that since you’re also writing about lots of cultural activities you could come to the TonDC High Art Expo. The theme is to remember the ones we lost.”
Lexa took a deep breath; she felt a small burn in her shoulder where the bullet tore through skin and muscle. Lexa clasped her shoulder as if to contain the ghostly pain.
“That’s good. Focusing on the positive will help the community keep pushing forward.” Lexa sighed and sat again on her big leather chair. The night of the Winter Formal left many scars, not just physical but mental in the DC community and in her. Also that was the night she dared to kiss Clarke for the first time.
“Count me in.” Lexa smiled honestly.
“Thanks a lot Lexa. The exposure in an important magazine such as ‘Polis’ is going to be good for the kids.” Costia took Lexa’s hand in hers and squeezed in gratitude.
“Anything for a friend.”
Lexa was thankful that her friendship with Costia had remained after all the troubles they went through. “How…” Lexa bit her cheek holding the in question that always made its way out of her lips without her permission. The writer rubbed her tired eyes gathering her thoughts.
“She’s fine. Clarke is doing really well actually; she’s making progress.”
Since Costia became the guardian angel of Clarke Griffin, she grew to know the young artist personally and comprehended that it was inevitable for Lexa to fall hard for Clarke. Clarke was brave and smart with a huge heart, and she helped people without asking anything in return. She was selfless and her smile could light a whole room. After experiencing Clarke in a new light, Costia understood that Lexa was doomed since day one.
“She misses you, Lexa.” Costia knew how much Clarke suffered. Her pain was tangible in each and every painting the girl did. Still that didn’t stop Costia from trying to help her ex reunite with the blonde.
Lexa lowered her gaze, fidgeting with her hands. “She’ll get over it.”
“Don’t fool yourself Lexa, you know she’s the love of your life, and I can assure you. You’re hers.”
Costia suffered for them. Lexa might not love her as she wished she did, but she wanted the brunette to be happy. How can two people love each other so much and be apart? Costia couldn’t get that.
“She needs to stay away from me. Clarke being with me only puts her in danger. Besides, I rather see her happy with…” She couldn’t say the words. For Lexa the simple fact that Clarke could move on from her was one of her worst fears because for Lexa there wasn’t going to be another one, Clarke Griffin was it. “Just make sure Clarke’s safe, Costia.” Lexa lifted up from her chair slung her bag on her shoulders and picked up her keys.
With every nightmare she had, the more she worried about Clarke. Maybe she was paranoid. Maybe Nia didn’t hate her enough to act and her threatening words were blown by the wind, leaving an empty threat. Nia had no proof to sink her, and Clarke was away. There was no need to fear.
“I’ll see you at the Art Expo, thanks Cos.” Lexa waved goodbye to her friend and returned home.
On her way to her apartment Lexa drove through the crowded streets of DC. The traffic was intense at this time of day as people made their way back to their respective families. To be met by their loved ones.
Lexa sighed and turned on the radio. She wasn’t going to try and picture how different her life would be if Clarke was there waiting for her to return.
Driving into an intersection Lexa stopped her car at a red light. Her phone buzzed with her ringtone, and Lexa pressed the answer button.
“Lexa Woods.” The brunette said. “Oh my God, how are you!” Lexa smiled hearing the friendly voice on the other side of the line. “Yes, how was Milan? Really? When? Christmas?”
Red changed to green, and Lexa put the car in gear. She drove until she reached the next corner on the main avenue and took a left turn.
Lexa chuckled. “I’m really glad to hear that and—”
Walking on the sidewalk she recognized the young brunette making her way alone in the dark. “Uh yes, um, I have to go. I guess I’ll see you when you return. Have a safe flight and talk to you later.” Lexa concluded the call and maneuvered the car to take the lane closest to the sidewalk. She kept driving until she caught up with the girl.
“Raven?” Lexa lowered her window as she called the name.
The brown eyes looked at her, and when Lexa saw the flick of recognition, the brown-eyed girl’s features hardened right away.
“Miss Woods.”
“Can I take you home? You shouldn’t be walking alone so late Raven.”
“I’m fine on my own Miss Woods.”
“Please, let me drive you home. It’s a bit chilly too.” Lexa insisted, Clarke would like to know that her friend was being taken care of, and Lexa could offer her that.
Raven rolled her eyes. “Fine! Just because you hace a nice car.”
Lexa stopped and let Raven get inside before returning to the intense traffic.
“How are you? How’s college going?” Lexa tried to make small conversation.
“It’s okay.” Raven responded not giving much, but at least it was something.
“To your place?” Lexa glanced at the young mechanic knowing that she wasn’t going to get anything of substance from her. She noticed the brace her former student had to wear; the Winter Formal changed the lives of too many.
Raven nodded, and Lexa drove to the place where she used to go pick up Clarke for their secret dates. Raven had been supportive of their relationship and Octavia too that Lexa felt that she betrayed them when she left Clarke. Lexa left the radio on to fill the silence that engulfed them.
Minutes later Raven finally addressed the older woman. “I should blow you up into pieces.”
Lexa smirked. That was the response she expected from Clarke’s friends. “Probably.”
“You fucking hurt her! We let you get close to her, and you broke her heart! I trusted you with my best friend, and you fucked it up!”
Lexa had no comeback, no retort, Raven was right.
“Clarke loved you. I won’t forgive you for that Miss Woods.”
“Lexa’s fine Raven, I’m not your teacher anymore.”
Raven arched her brow. “Commander suits you better. You’re a heartless bitch after all.”
“I did what was best for her Raven.”
Raven shrugged trying to accommodate her leg to feel more comfortable. “I can see that. Still, you deserve to pay Lexa. Clarke suffered so much. You weren’t there. You didn’t have to see a former shell of my friend lying on bed crying til there were no more tears.”
Lexa fisted the wheel harder until her knuckles were white. Picturing Clarke in pain made her heart scream in agony. “Is she okay now?” The brunette dared to ask keeping her eyes on the road. Not sure if Raven was going to offer that piece of information or not.
“Yeah,” Raven pondered answering, the least she could do was be honest. Lexa Woods might have betrayed their trust, but that doesn’t change that the woman helped her escape from her alcoholic of a mother and Carl Emmerson. Raven answered after a beat. “The few times we talked she seemed more like herself, she’s better. I haven’t seen her and O in a while, soon I will though.”
Lexa nodded thankful to hear that.
She reached Raven’s place. The neighborhood was quiet, a couple of cars here and there, and Lexa parked in front of the old dark building.
“You live here alone?”
Raven opened the car door and turned to face Lexa. “Yeah, with Clarke and O gone it’s pretty crappy, but I deal with it. Always been on my own.”
“You don’t have to be.” Lexa offered. “I know we’re not on good terms Raven. But If there is anything I can do for you let me know. You were there for me and Clarke. It’s only fair that I’m there for you if you need me.”
Raven chuckled. “Guilty conscience, Commander?”
Lexa smiled at the moniker. “No, I don’t regret what I did Raven. I lost Clarke and I guess your trust too, but I owe you.” Lexa offered a business card. “I’m serious Raven, if you need anything just call. Take care, it was good to see you.”
Raven hopped out of the car. “Thanks for the ride Commander. And watch your back, the knife you plundered in my friend’s back might find its way to yours.”
Lexa laughed. She was really happy that Clarke had friends like Raven. Raven was protective like Anya and a force to be reckoned with. “Anytime Raven. Good night”
Lexa revved up the engine of the car and drove back to her home looking through the rearview mirror at that loyal brave young girl who loved Clarke fiercely.
She could at least do this for Clarke, to watch over her friend on her behalf and maybe, just maybe feel a little bit closer to the blonde.