A Coaching Power Tool Created by Olivia Cheung
(Executive Coach, AUSTRALIA)
Pay attention to your thoughts, because they become words.
Pay attention to your words, because they become actions.
Pay attention to your actions, because they become habits.
Pay attention to your habits, because they become your character.
Pay attention to your character, because it is your fate.
- From the Talmud -
Who are you?
What kind of person are you?
How would you describe yourself?
Who do you identify yourself with?
What is true about you?
Who do you think you are?
Everything in life, from the decisions we make to the actions we take, stem from the perceptions, values and beliefs we have about ourselves and the world.
Formed from our childhood, experiences and our environment, these beliefs have the power to strengthen us or disable us. They can give us confidence and determination to drive us forward in life, or create fear, insecurity, anxiety and worry and hold us back from reaching our potential.
Take note of what happens to you when you encounter a problem. How do you react? Do you start panicking? Are you a worrier or stresser? Which voices speak to you when things don’t go the way you want or expect them to? Your response to the situation depends on the foundation in which your identity is built upon. What are your values? What are your underlying beliefs? What do you stand for? How will you get through this?
It always boils back to the simple question: “Who are you?”
Our identity is the fundamental catalyst for what happens next. Knowing who we are has a direct impact on how we choose to look at the situation, whether we go through a positive or negative experience (despite the physical implications), and the actions we decide to take next in response to what’s happened.
When we don’t know our identity, a number of things can happen:
We feel ‘stuck’, uncertain about what to do next, feeling frustrated because we don’t know what the ‘right’ or ‘best’ thing to do next - because we don’t know what we want;
We can be indecisive, or procrastinate about making decisions, because of fear and doubt about ourselves and our ability;
We start to question and blame ourselves for why things aren’t working: “It must be because I’m not intelligent/beautiful/funny enough.” “Maybe they think I’m strange.” “Maybe it’s my personality.” “It’s probably because I’m a failure.” “I’m disorganized and can’t get my act together.” “I am useless.” “I’m incompetent and incapable.”
We allow other people or outside voices to influence our decisions, whose experiences and values are different and possibly contradicting to our own;
We can end up living someone else’s life;
We end up living unhappy, dissatisfied, meaningless and unfulfilled lives.
But when we understand how our experiences, background and values influence our identity, then we can be confident and certain about which steps to take next, no matter what event comes. We don’t waste time on worrying about the outcome and what we don’t know; rather, we focus on the things we do know – ourselves, our ability and our potential.
Mahatma Gandhi said, All change starts within.
So for any action or change to happen, we start with our thoughts: our identity – who we think we are.
So the question remains….who are you?
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts.- Buddha -
“I AM” Statements
“I am” statements are powerful, decisive, conclusive statements. When we say “I am XX” or “I am not XX”, we are revealing things we feel and believe to be true; truths that uncover and drive our self-esteem, self-perception, and motivation behind our actions.
“I am” statements create momentum and action – depending what those “I am” statements are. They can be encouraging, affirmative statements, such as, “I am courageous” “I am loved” “I am a wonderful wife and mother”. These affirmations build us up, give us confidence and security about our identity, and ultimately move us forward in taking positive actions for our lives.
Disempowering statements however, do the complete opposite; statements such as “I am a mess”, “I am a failure” and the most common belief, “I am not good enough”, keep us stuck from reaching our goals. Of course, sometimes we don’t give it much thought, passing remarks such as “I am so stressed!” “I am a klutz!” and “I am livid with rage and could punch someone right now!”. Such expressions can just be an emotional reaction to an immediate event, and we don’t really think much of it afterwards.
But whilst it may be just a game of semantics, it’s the meaning behind these statements that really matter, and what these words mean for us personally. Does this belief help or hinder me? Does it empower and engage me to move towards my goal? Or does it disempower and discourage me, keeping me stuck in my position?
Some beliefs may not fall into either of these categories. Things like “I am vulnerable” “I am dependent” “I am not different” may neither be positively or negatively inclined – it may be a neutral thought, without any emotional attachment, and doesn’t move you forward or backwards. For some, declaring “I am dis-organised” “I am indecisive” “I am a perfectionist” “I am my own worst enemy” may just be a self-acknowledgment of our perceived truths, or just a ‘fact’ – after all, none of us are perfect, and acknowledging and accepting our weaknesses and flaws can actually act as power instead.
The core of all “I am” beliefs is that they are the root cause for any decisions, actions and movements in our lives. By knowing or not knowing what makes up our identity has a direct impact on what we experience in life. Whether life throws us chocolates or lemons, “I am” beliefs are crucial to how we view and handle our relationships and events; and if we don’t actively choose to direct our thoughts in a forward, positive manner, whatever thoughts remain will have a profound impact on our self-belief and ultimately self-worth, holding us back from our goals and reaching our potential.
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, then change how you think about it. - Maya Angelou -
The Power of “AM I…?” Questions
“Am I?” questions are opportunities to re-look and re-define ourselves.
It opens doors for further inspection, questioning, exploration, clarification and confirmation.
“Am I?” questions challenge us to dig deep and really listen to what we are saying about ourselves, and ask us if we’re really sure of what we’re declaring.
On one hand, “Am I?” questions can open up feelings of uncertainty, fear, insecurity and doubt.
“Am I really who I say I am? Do I really believe this is true of myself?”
On the other hand, it can serve as a window for possibility, positive change and new thinking.
“Is there another view on this? Is there a different truth, or another possibility that challenges to what I thought was fact?”
“Am I?” opens doors to alternative perspectives that we may not have thought and allows us to be more self-aware and look at ourselves honestly and holistically.
Compared to “I am” statements which assume definitive answers and conclusion, the beauty of “Am I?” questions is the gift of choice. By asking ourselves “Am I?”, we create space to question ourselves, voting to consciously agree or disagree with these beliefs about our identity; to affirm or re-define our perception.
“Am I a failure?” “Am I good enough?” “Am I meant to be here?” “Am I making the right decision?”
These kinds of questions often rise up in situations where we are faced with challenges, uncertainties, or situations that don’t go the way as planned or expected.
However the final answers are left to us: we can decide who will answer to that, what that answer will be, and whether we listen or accept that answer – and make it our truth.
I am not a product of my circumstances; I am a product of my decisions.- Stephen Covey –
Case study:
Belinda is a hardworking accounts manager for a well-known advertising agency. Nicknamed ‘Bubbly Bel’ because of her positive, vivacious energy and outgoing personality, she was extremely well-liked in the company, although her colleagues joked about her ‘workaholism’ ; always being the first to arrive and last to leave, she was dedicated to her job and was often working weekends; not because she had to but because she wanted to. So when the global financial crisis hit and the agency notified the employees they had to cut down on staff numbers, she never thought it would have been her.
So when she got the news that she had been made redundant, she was initially quite shocked and upset by the news; however her naturally ambitious and hardworking mentality took charge, and immediately seeing the situation as an opportunity to excel and progress in her career, she quickly got into job-hunting mode and applying for several agencies. Unfortunately for Belinda, the national economy was at an all time low; jobs were scarce and competition was fierce; and as the months went by without any success, Belinda’s confidence started to quickly spiral downwards. She made it to a handful of interviews but never got a call back. Eight months later, she was still without a job. Unable to afford her rent anymore, she moved back home with her parents, and feeling disheartened about her ‘failure to get a job’, she decided to get a coach to help her with her motivation.
In the initial chat with Belinda, it appeared that her feelings of self-doubt and ‘failure’ were solely based on her current situation of not being able to find work. As we explored deeper, Belinda realized that she had placed her whole identity and self-worth in her job; a choice she had made in her teenage years from being embarrassed about her family’s low-income status compared to her peers, and her dad’s alcoholic problems. For many years, she had built up her whole life and identity around work – a life she was proud of because she worked hard and was successful from it, and she didn’t have to answer any personal questions about her family history anymore.
Her coach asked further probing questions about what was coming up from this job situation and she realized there was a connection between her feelings of embarrassment and ‘failure’ with her job situation and to her family situation – being unable to make things worked in her career triggered similar feelings of being unable to make things work in her family. As we went even deeper, Belinda discovered she has always struggled with perfectionism ideals and prided herself on being self-reliable and independent, another core value she identified herself with. Which is why she felt like a failure when she didn’t have control of the situation and no matter how hard she tried, she didn’t get what she wanted and she believed it was nobody’s fault but hers.
Now that Belinda identified and understood the core issues that revolved around her identity; the coach was able to work with her on rebuilding the foundation of her self-identity, based on what she wanted to change and believe about herself, on the things that are important to her. Acknowledging the issues she had with her family from the past, she consciously decided that family is important to her, and she wanted to forgive and let go of the resentment she had from the past. With her coach keeping her accountable, she made a commitment to write a letter to her family to ask them to forgive her for not keeping a good relationship with them all these years, to tell them how important they were to her and how she wanted to take things forward in mending and growing their relationship.
The coach used visualization techniques and vision boards to help Belinda create a beautiful and colourful poster of empowering words and pictures that detailed her core values, dreams and the people and things that she wanted to base her worth and identity on. The coach then used the ten “I am” and “I am not” statement exercises with Belinda to help her be clear about her core values and key situations that might trigger or shake her self-worth. Reframing her perspectives, she wrote down strong statements such as “I am a success no matter what life throws at me” “I am loved” “I am not a failure because of my employment status” “I am not my job” “I am significant with or without a job” “I am important to my family and they are important to me”, she could read these aloud to her coach and as she did this she felt a heavy weight lift from her heart and a big smile on her face. She also acknowledged her tri.
The more she affirmed these beliefs with her coach and to herself, the more confidence and trust she felt increase and the connection between her identity and her ability to find work and her self-identity started to fade. and she felt empowered knowing that no matter what would happen in her external circumstances, that she is strong, powerful, full of love and worth and indestructible.
Now that she knew her core values and the strength of her identity was not dependent on her job, her attitude to life and her future also changed. She loved herself more, became more vocally vulnerable and open about her past to others and how it strengthens her and makes her the person she is today. She still carried on job-hunting but with a gentle confidence and from the powerful knowledge that her worth, security and success is not attached to her career but her identity was based on the positive values, strengths and knowledge she has decided for herself, and she would not be affected by passing circumstances and things that were out of her control.
The realization of her true identity and who “Bubbly Belinda” is was a transformational change in her life, which affected not only Belinda but also those around her. Not long after, she had several offers from multinational companies, but rather than the smug confidence and self-centered pride she would normally bask in, she looked at the job offers that lay before her with a thankful heart; more aware of her transformational mindset shift about her identity; grateful for the situation that had happened 12 months ago and the journey she had gone through that had led her to this pivotal growth and learning in her life.
Self Application:
Divide a page into two columns. In the first column, write down ten “I am….” statements.
In the second column, write down ten “I am not…” statements.
Use words associated with values or attributes. Try not to just state the obvious or facts, such as gender or roles, ie. ‘I am a woman’ ‘I am a father’ ‘I am an accountant’. Think about adjectives to put in front of those roles. ‘What kind of woman are you? What kind of father are you? What kind of accountant are you?” See what comes up.
(Note: In this Power Tool we are focusing on the “I am/am not” – not “I have/have not” “I can/can not”. We are focusing on identity and not our ability to gain or do something. Our ability is dependent on how we identify ourselves, which is why it’s important to know who we believe we are.)
When finished, read through the sentences you have just written. What feelings or things come to mind? Circle the ones that make you smile – statements you are proud of and can confidently say this is true. Quietly acknowledge those qualities, talents or attributes you have. It’s important to recognize, appreciate and celebrate your strengths and personality traits that make you unique and special.
Now take a look at the ones that you have not circled. What comes up when you read these? What prompted you to write this about yourself? What incidents, memories, experiences or examples come up when you read this statement? It’s important to understand why and where you have developed these beliefs about yourself to be able to change them.
Examples of Empowering“I am” statements
Example of Neutral“I am“ statements
Examples of Disempowering“I am” statements
I am proud of who I am.
I am an emotional person.
I am not talented enough.
I am great at soccer.
I am dependent on my family.
I am too weak.
I am a generous and caring friend.
I am a vulnerable person.
I am what they say I am.
I am big and beautiful.
I am different to others.
I am not good enough.
I am more than enough.
I am shy and an introvert.
I am a failure.
Take the un-circled statements and turn them into “Am I…?” questions.
Example 1:
If you have written: “I am not in the best physical shape” – ask yourself the following:
“Am I in my best physical shape? If not, why not? How can I be in the best shape? What do I need to do in order to get in my physical best shape? What will I commit to to make this happen?”
Example 2:
“I am unworthy of love.” Turn it around: “Am I really unworthy of love?”
Explore the root causes of your belief: “Why am I unworthy of love? Who says so? Why am I choosing to believe it?
Address your intention/desire: “Do I want to be worthy of love?”
Ask what is missing and what action steps you can take to achieve that: “What will make me believe that? What can I do to be worthy of love? What needs to happen?”
It is important to understand our core beliefs about our identity as this is the root cause for all reacting emotions, actions, attitudes and decisions; and if we can find these core beliefs then we are in a position to be able to change them if they are stopping us from moving forward in our lives.
Coaching Application
You can use the above exercise with the client to gain insight about their self-identity, or upon hearing negative or disempowering words used by the client in a coaching session, use the below suggested framework and questioning techniques.
Listen carefully to the statements they are making about themselves.
What are the key words that stand out? Explore these.
What are the words used after “I am”? What kind of words are they?
Are they empowering, affirmative, positive, encouraging words?
Or are they disempowering, discouraging, de-valuing words?
Notice the tone of the voice and any behavioural cues when your client says these things.
Do these statements help or hinder you?
How does this view help you with achieving your purpose, your calling, your goal, your direction in life?
There are 5 steps in using this Power Tool when coaching your client:
Ask the client to identify the ‘I am/I am not’ statements. Reflect the statements back to the client so they can hear what they are saying about themselves and clarify if they still agree with it.
Help the client explore any statements which produce self-doubt, fear, shame and guilt; disempowering statements which are stopping them from moving forward to their goals. Help them understand why and how this came to be.
Question their existing beliefs using powerful positive questions to help them determine what they want to believe about themselves and who they want to be.
Reframe their perspectives by shifting their focus to their goal, what they want to be true; what values are important to them; putting attention to what their strengths and positives about themselves are
Once they have established these, encourage them to confidently re-affirm their perspective once they can recognize this is the truth for them.
Coaching tool kit
Aside from the identity exercise mentioned above, there are other methods of gaining insight into your client’s self-beliefs and perceptions.
Self Portrait
If the client is more of a visual learner, ask them to draw a self-portrait of themselves.
It can be a real-life portrait or an abstract representation – they can be as creative as they want.
After they have finished, ask them questions regarding their self-portrait and why they have chosen to draw themselves that way, ie. “Can you tell me more about this picture – what does it represent?” “What does this (feature) mean to you?” “What are the key features that stand out from this picture?” “How would someone else describe this picture to you? What words would they use?”
This is a great exercise if the client prefers pictures to words, or if you wish to approach the self-beliefs in an indirect way without having to use strong statements.
Online Assessments
There are a number of well-known and evaluated tests that have proven to be quite effective in giving insight to one’s character, values and strengths, such as:
Myers Briggs Personality Test
VIA Character & Strengths Finder
The Colour Works – personal & work personality
You can ask the client to do it before the coaching session and review the results with them, or go through the questionnaires with them in the session. Then, using the above 5-step method, explore whether they relate to the results or if there is a different perception on their identity and discuss if there are any disempowering statements or beliefs they might have and what they would like to do with it.
Vision Board
Ask the client to create a vision board for themselves. Using an A3 or A4 paper, decorate the board with empowering words (such as values, quotes, positive emotions etc.), pictures or cut outs from magazines or books – anything that they feel represents them and who they want to be. They can use any materials they like – this a visionary exercise after assessing the current self-beliefs and projecting the attention to a forward-thinking mentality: “Who do I want to be – what kind of person do I want to be?” Ask the client to share their insights from this process and how it feels for them.
Reflection Questions for the client:
Who am I?
What are the things that make me who I am?
What do I believe is true about my identity?
What do I really know about myself?
What do I like about myself?
What do I love about myself?
What do I not like about myself?
What am I afraid of that people will find out about me?
What things am I unsure or worried about?
If I heard these things being said about me by other people, what thoughts comes up? How does it make me feel?
Am I really these things? Who says so?
Who defines you? Who defines who you are and who you can be and want to be?
Why do I believe or accept these to be true?
Do I want to believe this about myself? Do I want this to be true?
What do I want to believe about myself?
What needs to happen in order for me to be able to say this?
What can I confidently say about myself now? How do I know this is true?
Reflection questions for the Coach:
What words are the client using?
Are they qualities, attributes or values?
Are they titles, statuses, possessions or material things?
What is the client saying beneath the words?
What “I am” or “I am not”” beliefs are you hearing?
Where are these beliefs coming from?
Summary
Being aware of our thoughts and self-beliefs and understanding how it is connected to our identity has a direct impact on our life experiences. Regardless of what form they take, our identity forms the basis of our thoughts, our thoughts lead to action, and repeated action eventually becomes our character. We always have the power to change our reality by firstly tackling our beliefs about our identity. If we can uncover what perspectives are holding us back, then we can make a conscious decision whether to keep or question and change that existing belief. By acknowledging our strengths, values and our realities, we can then be in the powerful position to make change; the greatest change of all – which is the change within ourselves – and that is where change starts to begin.
“I am strong – because I know my weaknesses.
I am beautiful – because I am aware of my flaws.
I am fearless – because I’ve learnt to recognize illusion from reality.
I am wise – because I learn from my mistakes.
I am a lover – because I have felt hate;
And I can laugh – because I have known sadness.”
– Anonymous blogger –
Be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi