A Coaching Power Tool Created by Areeya Mahaworamakorn
(Transformational and Thrive Coach, AUSTRALIA)
Identifying vs. Separating
In each of us there is another whom we do not know.― C.G. Jung
Reading
We tend to believe we are who we are so we live in the world with a strong sense of our identity. We believe that this is our current reality. We learn at an early age from our authority figures such as our parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings or anyone who has an influence on how we perceive, think, behave and live in the world. During our infancy and early childhood, we are helpless that’s why we rely on others to support and take care of us in order to survive. When we grow up as adults, what we have been taught, told or even unintentionally shown have transferred to us and become our values and beliefs that guide us to live and show up in the world. We unconsciously see, think, feel, and act in some ways that we may never question ourselves.
Here is the story of a baby elephant. A baby elephant is chained with a strong rope that ties him to a big tree. He had been chained since he was baby and very small. However, with the urge to be free, he has tried very hard to break the rope but every time he tries, he hurts himself and gets numerous wounds by the rope. This pain causes him to give up his quest for his freedom as every time he resists, he is hurt.
When the baby elephant grows up, he is physically big and strong. As usual, he is still chained by a thin rope that is tied to a small tree. He no longer resists to the chain anymore. He is scared to be wounded and has come up with a belief that he can’t escape from this chain. Even when he is big and the rope is thin, he physically can break the chain but mentally he is ingrained with the feeling of powerlessness that he won’t be able to break it. He is limited by his past conditioning from the sufferings he had experienced since his baby years. This limits his ability and potential to become a powerful elephant that can easily break the chain and be free. The limitation has captured him into the prison of his own mind.
What happens to the young elephant is he is so identified with his past suffering that created within him the reality of powerlessness. He surrenders to his own fate that he can’t do it and accepts this as his truth. The fear has blocked him to take an action for his freedom. He has embedded the limiting beliefs into his subconscious mind that makes him feel and act this way. Unless the young elephant realizes that what he has created in his mind comes from the past conditioning, he may never decide to break a chain and be free. If he knows that an illusion of his past has lured him away from his strong power and brought in disempowering reality, he may reclaim his power to break a chain and and be free. Only he can separate from his thoughts, question his beliefs and feel the fear and do it anyway, he may not have to be a victim of his own fate but a master of his destiny.
Does the elephant’s story resonate with you in some ways?
Self-Application
We often live life by our past conditioning forming as personal narratives that our life. We may feel limited and fearful by our limiting beliefs that we can’t do or be whatever we want to be. We may judge and restrict ourselves by the way others’ view or see us. Then we limit our ability and potential to be whole. We tend to end up living unconsciously and feeling powerlessness because we are too identified with the thoughts and beliefs that we hold to. Our belief system determines our behaviors, identities, relationships within us and with others we interact with.
Identifying = Stuckness
By identifying, it means “to associate oneself in feeling, interest, action, etc., with a specified group or belief system.”
When we are identifying, we totally feel, think and behave in some ways that we believe as our truth. We are predominantly running by our ego that is restricting us from becoming whole. We cannot see clearly and objectively. We cut off from the source for new energy to emerge so we may feel stuck in the same old thought patterns that bring in the same energy every time we want to make a difference. We operate spontaneously by our values, beliefs and selves that narrows our vision of being in the world. We form an identity that in turn is influenced by our values, habits and attitudes. Sometimes, we may feel disconnected from ourselves as well as others because we are stuck in the same old patterns.
For instance, if we are a people person, we may show up caring, helping, giving, conforming, being considerate and sometimes pleasing. By identifying too much with these energy patterns or selves, we lose touch of other parts within us who can show up for what we want as self-reliant, self-caring, independent, and contented person. When we identify and get stuck in this pattern, we may be driven by “outmoded” narratives that create destructive behaviors and practices that disconnect us as a humanity from ourselves, each other and even the natural world.”ii We may feel lack instead of whole, angry and frustrated instead of joy, and judgmental instead of gratitude or even feel fear, guilt or shame when we are triggered by something or someone. As we deeply disconnect from our true source or nature, we may behave destructively and emotionally depleted resulting in the behavior of exploitation of the world resources.
Separating = Diversifying
Identifying with unsupportive thoughts, feelings, and emotions keeps us from moving forward. We get stuck in the energy patterns that are not serving in a certain way, for instance, worry, anger, frustration, burden, or guilt. To breakthrough and get a shift, we must pause and pay attention to them in a non-judgmental way. Listen to the chattering sound of the inner voices that running our mind. The inner voices that keep talking and talking inside our head are so powerful that they keep us stuck in fear.
Without awareness, we often stuck by those voices that we feed the most. These voices become the yardstick that we use to measure ourselves and other people by our own set of standards. We unconsciously define ourselves by contrast and comparison to others. This may create conflicts within ourselves and with others as we create our inner world that separated and disconnected us from others.
By separating, it means “to draw or come apart; become divided, disconnected, or detached.
To separate from our thoughts and feelings, practicing mindfulness helps us to be aware and recognize those particular thoughts and feelings which we have grown locked into identifying with as “Who I Am.” In Voice Dialogue, we call this as to separate from primary inner selves that are part of but not the whole of our identity.
Cultivating self-awareness and developing self-inquiry skill, we can create a space to separate from our primary energy patterns or selves that prohibited our disowned energy patterns or long-lost selves to emerge. With following tools and techniques, we gradually build our individual capability to shift and transform:
Practicing mindfulness to pay attention to the intense thoughts, feelings and emotions without judgement
Listening to the chattering voices inside our head that running behind the scenes and be aware of who (which selves) runs the show
Questioning the thoughts and beliefs that may come from the past conditionings, for instance authority figures, educational institutions, medias, religions, or cultures
Keeping regular journaling each morning and/or night by intuitive writing (write nonstop for 5-10 minutes) to communicate with the inner wisdom by letting our mind flows in spontaneous expression
Being in nature to connect with natural source of energy within each of us
By doing the inner work, the transformational process will occur as we continue to explore, inquire, contemplate, and reflect on what happens from within. Our individual capacity to see life as a whole system flourishes and our consciousness evolves as we gradually transform. We bring in a source of harmony, stability and dynamic balance which provides resiliency in a midst of one’s personal transformation. With ongoing practices of inner connection and working from inside out, the new paradigm of consciousness in being and living in the world will emerge.
As we work along the transformational process to do more of the inner work to dive deep, we cultivate psychological diversity which is a key to promoting flourishing, new opportunity and innovation. We evolve our consciousness to a next level. Within the process, a diverse collections of ideas, imagination, perspectives, and curiosity allow opportunity for new understanding and insights as well as flexibility to develop resiliency in our psychological capacities which help to cope with changes in life.v When we work to become aware of what is happening within that is creative or destructive and separated from those inner voices that are from diverse selves or energy patterns within us, we expand the inner territory. We have choice and willpower to create a new reality and make a difference in our lives and other people’s lives. Therefore, by embracing every part of ourselves, we are whole.
Self-Reflection
What feelings or emotions do you have during the day? How would you describe them in term of your energy patterns?
Imagine the energy patterns that are creative vs. destructive, how is it look to you? What image can you resonate with?
How does it feel in your body? How has it affected you and others in some ways? How do you cultivate psychological diversity in your life?
What will happen to you when you connect deeply with yourself?
Coaching Application
Clients enter into the coaching arena with the objectives, goals or even issues that restrict to reach the point where they want to be. They may not see and think as clearly as they want because they are too identified with their thoughts, feelings and emotions that overwhelm their lives. As coaches, we believe that our clients are resourceful, creative, and whole. We also believe that they have the inner potential to transform. We, as coaches, partner with them to be their sounding boards to gain clarity and help them to focus on their goals. Moreover, we support them to discover their values and purpose in life, uncover their inner potential to achieve them and realize their inner strengths and unlimited powers to make a difference in their lives and other peoples’ lives. The most important part is to help the clients move into action.
But what is stopping our clients from taking action?
We may say they have fears that blocking them to take the step forward but actually what makes them stuck may be their inner voices. By helping clients to create a space in their mind through self-awareness, they can identify the inner voices that come from diverse selves or energy patterns. This helps our clients to differentiate the many selves that operate within them and listen to each of them without judgement. Each self comes with unique energetic feelings that show up in the body and gestures as well as having a specific core belief about or experience towards life.vi It has its own story that we called a personal narratives that originated during their early years. As coaches, we may help them to explore the narratives behind the selves and how they operate within them. When they work deeply from within, they will profoundly connect with themselves and develop self-understanding that they have never experienced it before. With these following tools and techniques, our clients may engage in the process of personal transformation towards consciousness evolution.
Calming clients’ mind by taking a few deep breaths
Asking powerful questions to support the clients in the journey of creating awareness to cultivate psychological diversity, for instance
“Who in you is feeling the emotion?” (anxious, jealous, peaceful, joy and etc.)
“What is an image of this particular emotion/energy pattern?” For example, angry likes erupting volcano. “How does it feel in your body?”
“How does it sound like or act like?”
“What is the first thing you can recall about it?
“What can you do/show up differently if you are consciously aware of this self/energy patterns?”
“What would stop you from making the shift?
Taking the clients through a visualization process to travel back in time to meet themselves as a child. We may help them to explore their personal narratives in order to separate from them so they can make a shift from stuckness to acceptance and flow. They may feel motivated and are encouraged to move forward to where they want to be.
Here is a story of Sandra who is successful young entrepreneur in mid 20s. She is ambitious, confident and charming. She almost has everything she wanted to have in life except an emotional intimacy with her partner which is a major challenge in her romance and relationship. She feels unsatisfied and unhappy in her relationship and seems not to care to nurture his love while he is with her. But when they are not together, she feels lonely, emotionally insecure and needy for his attention and love.
As her coach, we may support her through the process of guided visualization:
Gently close your eyes and take few deep breaths. Breathing in and out 3 times to go deeper within you. Let’s image the time when you were very young, any incidents that emerging now that brings you to feel lonely, isolated and vulnerable. What thoughts, moment or situation are coming to your mind? Let’s imagine the feelings or emotions which had happened to you in the past. Take your time to contemplate and reflect.
Then ask the following questions for Sandra’s self-inquiry and self-reflection:
“What do you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel?”
“Who is with you?”
“What is the image of these feelings?
“What is happening to a little child that you can recall that is important to your life? Can you elaborate?”
“What are the narratives that hold the energy patterns in place?
“What do you want to tell her that you feel important to you now?
After that, gently hug her in your imagination and let her know that you are grateful to have her. You realize that she did her best with the resources, knowledge and ability that she had. Her life will be safe and sound in the future.
Through the process, Sandra may discover the source of her current challenges that she unconsciously forms during her childhood. This may be the narratives that holding her back from feeling emotionally secure and developing emotionally intimacy with her partner.
By a visualization process, Sandra was able to connect with her lonely and vulnerable child for the first time. By reviewing and reflecting upon her past story, Sandra has realized the feelings of loneliness at night when her dad was coming home very late or being away. She also realizes the patterns of unhealthy relationship between her dad and her mom. She feels sorry for her mom when she was frustrated by her husband’s complaint and blame. Sandra’s past experiences of her parent’s relationship have unconsciously constructed her a model for unhealthy relationship and doubted that restricting her to foster an emotional intimacy with her partner. She is identifying with some selves/energy patterns that are restricting her to be vulnerable, developing deep emotional intimacy and being in contentment with her relationship.
As coaches, when we help our clients to identify each part/self/energy pattern within them and consciously separate from it, they may be more flexible and content in living their lives. As self-awareness kicks in, they tend to help releasing the judgement of themselves and others, embracing their vulnerability, expanding their inner potential to be whole and gradually evolving to the higher level of consciousness. Through transformational coaching process of deep inner work, the clients will cultivate psychological diversity which helping them to have clarity and focus on their purpose, develop opportunity for connection from inside out, develop self-acceptance by having trusting relationship within themselves and others, and be creative human beings who live their life with courage and integrity.
Coaching Reflection
What do you learn from the process of transformational inner work?
What are the challenges that you think you may have if you want to support your clients in the transformational coaching process?
As a coach, how can you support your clients to separate from diverse selves/energy patterns so they can expand their view of the world?
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/identify
Pye, Lori L. Our Manner of Living. Viridis Graduate Institute, 2014.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/separate?s=t
Pangaia, J’aime ona. An Introduction to Voice Dialogue Finding the Benefit of
People Who Bug You. Oregon: Heart of the Garden Publishing, 2012.
Pye, Lori L. Our Manner of Living. Viridis Graduate Institute, 2014.
Pangaia, J’aime ona. An Introduction to Voice Dialogue Finding the Benefit of
People Who Bug You. Oregon: Heart of the Garden Publishing, 2012.
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