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No time to bring you up to speed, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover! As always, let us know what you’re looking forward to in the comments, on Facebook, and on Twitter!
And if the length of these things bothers you, don’t blame me; blame the Hollywood Industrial Complex.
JULY 1
TERMINATOR GENISYS
The Skinny: After a detour involving Christian Bale that nobody seems to remember actually happened, the inexplicably resilient franchise continues with a new installment. Details are scarce, but there’s something about an alternate timeline and a mission by Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) to prevent yet another Judgment Day, or possibly the same one again. Having aged out of the role of Sarah Connor, Linda Hamilton is replaced by Game Of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke. Old-ass Arnold Schwarzenegger is still the killer robot, though…
My Take: There’s a wall of mystery around this film, and nothing I’ve seen so far does much to sell me on this particular revival. Frankly, I’m not particularly psyched to see Schwarzenegger playing “Greatest Hits;” I prefer seeing Schwarzenegger do interesting new action movies like The Last Stand or Sabotage instead. Which appears to be one of the biggest differences between me and everyone in the whole wide world. And no disrespect, but Jai Courtney? Replacing Michael Biehn? Not even on his best day… but until I know more, I will play the role of eternal optimist. If nothing else, maybe this will solve my Emilia Clarke dilemma: even after 40+ hours of GoT, I still have no idea whether or not she’s really good actress, or a truly awful one.
MAGIC MIKE XXL
The Skinny: The surprise sleeper hit of summer 2012 inspired by Channing Tatum’s former life as a male stripper is now a franchise. Tatum (who co-wrote the script), Matt Bomer, Kevin Nash, Joe Managniello, Adam Rodriguez, and their abs are all back, joined by newcomers Amber Heard, Elizabeth Banks, Jada Pinkett Smith, Donald Glover, and of course Michael Strahan. Gregory Jacobs takes over for Steven Soderbergh in the director’s chair.
My Take: Look, I don’t care where you fall on the Kinsey scale, if you weren’t at least a little turned on at any point while watching the first Magic Mike, please return your genitals to the manufacturer; they’re clearly defective. A lot of that was Soderbergh’s ice cool gaze, and I can’t imagine his particular touch (as well as the presence of Matthew McConaughey) won’t be missed. But (and this is something I never thought I’d say way back when I was watching The Eagle) Channing Tatum has bought himself more than enough goodwill for this little indulgence.
Possible Alternate Title: Magic Mike: Big Dick Euphemism
JULY 10
MINIONS
The Skinny: The cute little guys from Despicable Me that speak gibberish and look like perfectly polished yellow turds get a showcase of their very own in this spin-off/prequel to that highly popular film series.
My Take: Earworm Pharrell songs aside, I’ve never gotten into the whole Despicable Me thing, so the idea of a spin-off does nothing for me. Still, it looks cute enough, and having it take place in the 60s might make for an interesting setting. Or it could lead to a lot of obvious pop culture references and super on-the-nose song cues.
THE BRONZE
The Skinny: Melissa Rauch, of Big Bang Theory fame, writes herself a comedy vehicle where she plays Hope, an Olympic gymnast who took home the Bronze Medal and has spent every moment since living in the past and trading in on her local celebrity. When an up and coming gymnast from her home town threatens her status, she plots to destroy them. Gained some notoriety at Sundance this year for a comically over-the-top sex scene between Rauch and Sebastian Stan.
My Take: The buzz coming out of Sundance has this primed to be either the sleeper comedy of the summer, or something that gets so overhyped for its raunchy bonafides that by the time it finally comes out, the backlash we be inversely proportional to the actual impact of the film itself. I’ll most likely wind up seeing it either way, because I have fond memories of Rauch from her VH1 talking head days and because I probably have a gymnast fetish.
SELF/LESS
The Skinny: After years of bit parts, Ben Kingsley finally gets his own summer movie franchise. He plays Damian, a multimillionaire who discovers he is dying. In a desperate bid for survival, he transfers his consciousness into the body of… Ryan Reynolds.
Oh.
My Take: I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I’m 99% sure I liked it better when it was called Seconds. Director Tarsem is a gifted visual stylist, but he’s sure as shit no John Frankenheimer. And… Ryan Reynolds? Seriously? You know what this is like? It’s like that guy who got invited to a party because the host thought he was someone else. And he doesn’t know anybody there and he’s not making any friends, but instead of owning up to it and admitting he made a mistake, the host doubles down and keeps inviting him back.
(In this scenario, the host is Hollywood.)
OTHER MOVIES OPENING ABOUT WHICH I HAVE NOTHING CLEVER TO SAY:
Tangerine- Sundance sensation about a pair of transgender prostitutes (played by actual transgender actresses) on a search for the pimp that broke one of their hearts. Garnered a great deal of attention for being shot entirely on an iPhone. Or possibly for the other thing.
The Gallows- Some horror movie that may or may not be found footage, but looks kind of crappy either way.
JULY 17
ANT-MAN
The Skinny: How do you follow up an epic like the Avengers sequel? Well, obviously, you go smaller. Paul Rudd stars in this beginning to the next phase of Marvels Cinematic Universe, and he’s joined by an impressive cast that includes Michael Douglas, Judy Greer, John Slattery, Evangeline Lilly, Michael Pena, Wood Harris, and Agent Carter herself, Hayley Atwill.
My Take: Ant-Man is far from my favorite hero, but you could have said that about Iron Man a few years ago. It seems like a risk, but if Marvel movies are going to survive they need to introduce new ideas and concepts. So Avengers might be the film to beat this summer.
TRAINWRECK
The Skinny: Comedy rising star Amy Schumer bypasses the “sidekick in a shitty romantic comedy” portion of her career and dives straight into her own star vehicle. Schumer plays a hard drinking, commitment-phobic career woman who finds herself falling for a kindly sports doctor, played by Bill Hader. Which… sounds a little like a romantic comedy. But hopefully not a shitty one.
My Take: There’s nothing wrong with a romantic comedy as long as it’s done right, and with Schumer involved, at least I know the comedy part will work. I’m a little bit concerned that Judd Apatow is directing; that guy tends to have his head so far up his own ass that he has to go through his belly button to brush his teeth. But if his guiding hand what it takes to get Schumer’s voice out there unfiltered (she wrote the script), so be it.
MR. HOLMES
The Skinny: Ian McKellen plays an elderly Sherlock Holmes, long since retired and his famous analytical mind beginning to fail. He must bring his talents to bear one last time on an unsolved case that haunts his memories.
My Take: If McKellen has never played Sherlock Holmes before, this strikes me as something of an oversight. And while from the trailer, it seems like this one might lean a bit towards the wistfulness and the melancholy than on the deducing, his very presence in the role makes it a must-see, if probably not in a theater.
JULY 24
PIXELS
The Skinny: An alien invasion takes the form of old school video games, and it’s up to Adam Sandler and his ragtag team to stop them.
Kevin James is the President.
My Take: Chris Colombus is a real director. He’s made REAL movies, not just Adam Sandler movies. So there’s hope that this won’t be as bad as all that. And the trailer is kind of fun. That, plus the Dinklage factor leads me to regard this one with cautious optimism.
And that’s as much as you’re going to get out of me.
Just take the win, Sandler…
PAPER TOWNS
The Skinny: Nat Wolff is Quentin, a boring Guy Next Door to Margo (Cara Delevingne), a vivacious life force. When Margo disappears, Boring Quentin and his friends go on a quest to find her, following clues she left behind, and along the way learn how to be more interesting than a missing person. Based on a novel by John Green (The Fault In Our Stars).
My Take: This is so very not the sort of movie I’d be into that it seems stupid for me to even be offering my take on it. It seems precious in that very specific way that only teen movies can be. And all the talk about “paper towns” sets my teeth on edge. What the fuck does the even mean? Paper doesn’t look better from far away, or worse close up. It looks like paper! Put that metaphor back in the oven, John Green; it’s still frozen in the middle.
In closing, from the trailer alone I’m calling it right now: one day that Nat Wolff is going to play Spider-Man.
Possible Alternate Title: “When I Was Growing Up, I Loved This Girl, And Not Just Because She Was Hot, Even Though She Was Like, SUPER HOT, But Because She Just Saw The World Differently, You Know? She Taught Me So Much About Life, And About Myself. And Then She Died, Or Went To Rehab, Or Something. I Don’t Know. The Point Is, She Changed Me, And I’ll Always Remember Her As A Symbol Of My Growth Rather Than As An Actual Person”
Bit long, I suppose.
…Fine, we’ll stick with Paper Towns.
SOUTHPAW
The Skinny: Jake Gyllenhaal is a boxer. After one very bad evening, he loses custody of his daughter, which is only the beginning of a terrible downward spiral that can only be resolved by more punching. With Rachel McAdams, 50 Cent, and Forest Whitaker. Directed by Antoine Fuqua.
My Take: Looks like melodrama. But I suppose boxing melodrama is 1000x better than melodrama where nobody gets punched in the face. Gyllenhaal looks like a monster here, but it remains to be seen if his presence can overcome Fuqua’s increasingly troubling tendency towards fetishizing brutality.
OTHER MOVIES OPENING ABOUT WHICH I HAVE NOTHING CLEVER TO SAY:
American Heist- Hayden Christensen and Adrien Brody are brothers that get involved in bank robbery and stuff.
Irrational Man- This year’s Woody Allen movie. With Joaquin Phoenix, Parker Posey, Emma Stone.
JULY 31
THE GIFT
The Skinny: Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall are Simon and Robyn, a married couple who receive unwanted attention from Gordo, an old acquaintance from Simon’s past. One assumes that dark secrets and buried pasts will come to light. Written and directed by Joel Edgerton, who also plays Gordo.
My Take: Stepping away from comedy just a few films after audience turnout indicated that might be a good idea, the eternally underplaying Bateman is ripe for a turn to the dark side. And while writing, directing, and playing the big bad might seem like a bit of an ego trip on Edgerton’s part, but he’s been writing and directing in his native Australia for a while now. It looks like an old school, early 90s type of psycho thriller, which is fine by me.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION
The Skinny: Tom Cruise returns, for his fifth go-round as IMF agent Ethan Hunt (though do you ever get the feeling he thinks he’s playing himself in these things?). Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, and Ving Rhames are back as well. Alec Baldwin is in it too, so let’s just go ahead and assume he’s the bad guy.
My Take: There’s a special place in my heart for the Mission Impossible franchise, one of the few series that pretty much reinvents itself for every installment. In one sense, that makes this a bit of a disappointment, as Tom Cruise worked with director Christopher McQuarrie before, on 2012’s Jack Reacher. On the other hand, Jack Reacher was pretty damn good, and McQuarrie is exactly the kind of action director I want to see studio throwing big bags of money at.
VACATION
The Skinny: Remarkably, this is not a reboot of the “National Lampoon” series of films, but a continuation. Ed Helms plays Rusty Griswold, all grown up and determined to follow in his fathers footsteps of spearheading hilariously disastrous family getaways. Leslie Mann, Christina Applegate, Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, and comedy superstar Chris Hemsworth.
My Take: There’s nothing wrong with the existence of this movie except that its very existence makes me feel old as shit. But there’s lots of funny people involved, so here’s hoping it doesn’t do anything to dilute the prestigious Vacation legacy.
AUGUST 7
FANTASTIC FOUR
The Skinny: Fox desperately clings to the Marvel Comics property they have left that they haven’t screwed up in one way or another. Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell are the latest incarnation of the First Family of heroes, facing off with both their classic archenemy Dr. Doom (Tony Kebbel) and their new enemy, racist nerds.
My Take: Keep in mind that I haven’t watched the latest trailer, because I prefer to see these sorts of things on the big screen. But I keep trying to maintain the hope that this is a fun, interesting take on a property that is a very difficult thing to get right. But every time they talk about being dark and gritty and realistic, I start chewing on pillows…
RICKI AND THE FLASH
The Skinny: Meryl Streep plays a rock star in a film written by Diablo Cody and directed by Jonathan Demme.
My Take: MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR. MERYL STREEP PLAYS A ROCK STAR.
MASTERMINDS
The Skinny: A comedic farce inspired by the true story of one of the biggest bank heists in American history. And if you think casting Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig, Zach Galifianakis, and Owen Wilson is going too broad with it, clearly you’re not familiar with the actual story.
My Take: The real life story of this heist is pretty much a real world Coen Brothers tale that really is ripe for telling. Judging from the trailer, it’s only slightly heightened from the truth. Might be fun, if we’re not already sick of the cast from every other movie they’re in this summer.
THE DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL
The Skinny: Yet another Sundance success story, this coming-of-age tale from a female perspective details the sexual awakening of a young girl as she begins an affair with her mother’s boyfriend. Starring Bel Powley as the young girl, Alexander Skarsgard as the hunky boytoy, and as the mother… Kristen Wiig… yet again.
My Take: Okay, when we started out, I was in her corner, but now that I’ve been working on this thing for what feels like an eternity, I’m just going to go ahead and say it: sometime between early May and now, I appear to have gotten kind of sick of Kristen Wiig. And every time I see him in something, I have to explore the possibility that Alexander Skarsgard might be a terrible actor. On the other hand I do love a good star-making performance and the word on Powley is that she’s phenomenal.
AUGUST 14
THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.
The Skinny: Guy Ritchie helms this adaptation of the 60s set spy show actually takes place in the 60s, and features Henry Cavill as smooth American secret agent Napoleon Solo and Arnie Hammer as his KGB rival turned reluctant partner Ilya Kuryakin.
My Take: You’ve got to admire the demented line of logic in having Brit Cavill play the American and having the American play a Russian, and the 60s setting ensures we won’t have to suffer through the drab modern day spy movie tropes where nobody uses knockout gas and there are hardly ever any women in cocktail dresses. And Ritchie’s frothy style is a perfect fit for such frivolousness. So, best case scenario: a fun way to end the summer blockbuster season.
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON
The Skinny: A biopic about NWA, which stands for something I’m allowed to say, but most of you reading this probably can’t. Ice Cube’s son plays Ice Cube, Jason Micthell is Eazy-E, Aldis Hodge is MC Ren, and Corey Hawkins is Dr. Dre. Paul Giamatti is their manager, Jerry Heller. Between this and Love And Mercy, that dude is really rocking both ends of your radio dial, isn’t he?
My Take: There was a very large possibility that this movie was going to be corny as hell. And it’s possible that it will be. But director F. Gary Gray is a slept on talent, and the ratio of mythologizing to documenting of the trailer seems about right to me.
AUGUST 21
SHE’S FUNNY THAT WAY
The Skinny: Every once in a while, Peter Bogdonovich stops dropping Orson Welles’ name long enough to make a movie, and this is one of those. Imogen Poots plays a struggling actress/hooker that gets involved with Owen Wilson’s caddish Broadway director. Jennifer Aniston is her therapist, who is married to Will Forte, who works with Wilson and has designs on Poots and… everybody runs around screaming a lot. Plus, a cursory glance at the cast list tells me that Cybill Shephard will be in the film.
Dude… you gotta know when a thing is over…
My Take: I kid Mr. Bogdonovich, but there are few directors out there more dedicated to the art of screwball farce than him. This looks broad and frantic and I don’t even know what to say about Poots’ Noo Yawk accent, but I have a weakness for that sort of thing.
SINISTER 2
The Skinny: In this sequel to… Sinister, probably… a young mother and her twin sons move into a haunted house. The the house haunts them. I’m guessing.
My Take: I could never bring myself to give two shits about Shannyn Sossamon, and I already told you, I can’t tell any of these fucking movies apart anyway. So what do you want from me?
OTHER MOVIES OPENING ABOUT WHICH I HAVE NOTHING WITTY TO SAY:
Me Before You- A young woman and the paralyzed man she’s taking care of start up an unlikely friendship, I guess because cripples and walkers don’t mix. Starring Sam Claftin, Emilia Clarke, Charles Dance, and Jenna Coleman. Based on a book by a guy named Jojo.
Learning To Drive- Patricia Clarkson takes driving lessons from Sikh instructor Ben Kingsley, probably learns to parallel park her heart or something.
Criminal- Spy thriller with highly unlikely cast: Ran Reynolds, Kevin Costner, Tommy lee Jones, Gary Oldman, Gal Godot, Alice Eve, Michael Pitt, Scott Adkins. Sorry, IMDB, but I’ll believe that cast when I can see it.
AUGUST 28
HITMAN: AGENT 47
The Skinny: A maybe sequel-to, maybe reboot-of the movie based on the video game franchise. Rupert Friend steps into Timothy Olyphant’s shoes as Agent 47, the hitman with a backstory too convoluted to get into right now. Erstwhile Sylar/Spock/Shane Dawson hater Zachary Quinto plays the FBI agent charged with stopping his kill-crazy rampage.
My Take: Recontextualizing the franchise by making the protagonist the bad guy is kind of an inspired move, if that’s what they’re doing here. And the film looks to have a more imaginative set of action set pieces than the relatively blah first one. It’s probably too much to ask that a video game movie actually be good. But I’d certainly settle for “fun” and “entertaining” and this looks like it might just fit the bill.
REGRESSION
The Skinny: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the three years I’ve been doing these recaps, it’s that the summer isn’t officially over until Ethan Hawke says so. So this thriller starring Emma Watson means we’ve reached the end of the line.
My Take: You know what? It’s fine. It’s great. Everything is great. I gotta go. We’re done here.
…And that’s it! That’s summer 2015! I mean, realistically speaking, you’re probably going to be sick to death of movies by the time August rolls around, so I commend you for reading this far, and hope you have fun going to the beach instead.
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