I’ve recently joined a gym. They have a really lovely swimming pool and children are allowed to visit the pool for free until they reach the age of five . This has worked out brilliantly this Summer as we’ve used it so much in the warm weather. It’s also great for us to take them at the weekends as it kills about three to four hours in total and we all get a little bit more active. The gym also have classes ranging from Spinning to Pilates, Tai Chi to a Running Club. They hold classes from very early morning to late in the evening. I am currently taking a Pilates class that starts at 20.45 in the evening so I go when Robert gets in. And I have also been to 2 Spinning classes that start at 08.00 on a Sunday morning (they are strangely addictive I’m finding).
I went to the Pilates class on Monday evening. It is held in a Studio with lovely sprung floors, soft lighting for the warm-down and a bank of mirrors across one wall so the students can adjust their positions accordingly. I spent three years in front of mirrors like this when I was doing my Acting degree and drama school. The entire course was supported with very intense, very thorough movement classes, for hours and hours each week we would move. Whether it was studying Pilates, Laban, Tai Chi, Animal studies and Anthropomorphism, Martial Arts, Sword Fighting, Dance etc, we were always on the move.
I was tremendously hard on my body during that time. Not physically hard because the work we were doing was very structured and monitored closely but I was astoundingly critical of my size and shape. I felt I wasn’t thin enough, toned enough, strong enough, tall enough, small enough, tanned enough, pale enough. You get the picture.
I remember the body I had back then very clearly. In fact I see it more clearly now than I ever did between the years of 1999 and 2002. I was, and still am 5ft 4in, I had a tiny waist, thin arms, abdominal muscles that you could see, good legs that became very toned throughout my time at drama school, my face was virtually stress free and I had no signs of having carried two babies to 38 weeks. As I stood in front of the wall of mirrors on Monday night and saw the body I’m in today in for an instant I was transported back to that ‘critical self’.
I came home to Robert and told him that I’d kinda, sorta, almost hankered after what I used to have and how I wished I’d just enjoyed my body more back then and not beaten it up every time my eyes saw it in a mirror. He simply and gently said “well just try to make sure you don’t end up hankering after the one you have right now when you can no longer do Pilates”. And he was right.
You see I wasted an inordinate amount of time during my teens and twenties grabbing at flesh that wasn’t there, turning around to stare at a bottom in jeans that I then promptly went on to say I ‘hated’ and stared for too long at magazines that at the time I didn’t know were not real reflections of what those people looked like. It’s taken a long time and a lot of work for me to just ‘Be’ in my body and not feel uncomfortable in my own skin, constantly wishing something were different, and I still have moments of uncertainty. But nowadays, now I’m a mother, I know with 100% of my being that no matter what happens I am not prepared to pass this erroneous way of thinking about one’s body on to my children. And as they grow and begin to notice the world outside of their immediate bubble it’s crucial that they get the right message from Robert and I. And I’m absolutely serious when I say that how both my children (but perhaps particularly my daughter) view their bodies will determine on some level their happiness.
This pattern of thinking can be that destructive no matter what your size, shape or weight is. Damaging thinking does not discriminate but it does rob, steal and harm.
I believe the work to build a good strong body image in them starts from day 1 and in the womb. Making them feel utterly worthy of love, affection, kindness and acceptance just by virtue of that fact that they are here.
Discipline and guidance is of course necessary but nothing they do will alter that fact that they have our complete and utter devotion and that they are WORTHY of that because of who they are. And this stands true regardless of anything they do, say and nothing to do with what they look like.
But I do find the world they are going in to to be a very different place to the one I tackled. And as you now know I didn’t handle my self-image at all well in the world I found myself in so how on earth can I manage to steer my children safely? I grew up with Madonna, who was considered pretty controversial, but I’d take a conical bra from back then over the things that are thrown at our children right now.
I’m currently reading Raising Girls by Steve Biddulph (I’ve also recently finished his book Raising Boys) and one of the most surprising ( and terrifying) parts of his research shows that girls are four years ahead of where they were when I was growing up. For example; the girls of today will be at the stage I was at when I was 14 when they are 10 years old. TEN YEARS OLD. Our girls are losing four years and I literally can’t bear it.
You may say “but your children are only three, are you not worrying about this a bit too early?” to which I would respond that I am the most important female figure in my son and daughters life right now and every thing I do, every thing I say, every expression that registers across my face is processed by these tiny Sponge Children and it is my life’s work to do the best job that I can do. Which means making a choice daily to do better because I know better. Anyone who agrees with me also knows that we will of course have times when our children feel like they can’t to be near us because of how horrid and awful we are when we tell them they can’t do something but our INTENTION is one of raising WHOLE kids and I believe this intention will see us through the inevitably hard times.
What do I know?
I know that my body was fearfully and wonderfully made.
I know that my legs have carried me for many miles and millions of steps so I have no need to criticize their size and shape.
I know that my body was able to transform itself in to many characters while at drama school with just the turn of a wrist or a slide of the hips and a teeny dropping of my shoulders, it’s pretty clever.
I know that I have two strong arms that have been working since the day I was born and can still pick up both of my three year old’s heavy bodies and carry them when they get tired.
I know that my body miraculously expelled two pregnancies that it was unable to carry at that time. No matter how emotionally and physically painful it was for me at the time my body knew best.
I know that my body went on to cradle two children until they were big enough to come out.
I know that the body never lies and while it may be telling me certain things about residual stress levels right now my job is to work with it, to build its strength up, not slam it because it looks different to a decade ago in the mirror.
With regards to body image and my daughter I also read an article very recently that managed to sum up EXACTLY what my thoughts on teaching a healthy body image are but I had somehow not been able to articulate. No matter, this woman did it wonderfully -
I first read this post here at the Huffington Post
“How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.
Don’t say anything if she’s lost weight. Don’t say anything if she’s gained weight.
If you think your daughter’s body looks amazing, don’t say that. Here are some things you can say instead:
“You look so healthy!” is a great one.
Or how about, “You’re looking so strong.”
“I can see how happy you are — you’re glowing.”
Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.
Don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.
Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.
Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say, “I’m not eating carbs right now.” Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.
Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that’s a good thing sometimes.
Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you’ll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn’t absolutely in love with.
Prove to your daughter that women don’t need men to move their furniture.
Teach your daughter how to cook kale.
Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.
Pass on your own mom’s recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.
Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.
Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.”
This post originally appeared on hopeave.wordpress.com.
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I believe that all of these issues that present themselves in our lives can be traced back to worthiness and when there are children in your life (your own kids or others) sometimes these issues are highlighted and become much more prominent because kids are so great at showing us everything that is right and wrong with the crazy world we live in. I know that my daughter will see things on the television and in the media that will make her question her own self but if I’m here to help put her back on track in the kindest and most truthful way possible then in the years to come she may just navigate that minefield with more success than I did. But the work starts now.
i love you and thank you for reading
Cherry x