[Name hidden]
So…a bit about my situation
When I was 13 my weight went from about 85lbs to 67lbs due to extreme stress (a very long story). Of course I was assumed I had anorexia nervosa, and I was subsequently hospitalized. When the doctor’s “re-feeding” techniques caused me to lose weight I was put on xanex for the anxiety. I was 13 so it was prescribed by my trusted pediatric doctor. I had no idea it was addictive, nor did my parents who dolled out the pills to me daily.
All though high school and college I stayed on one high dose benzo or another, combed with talk therapy with a psychiatrist recommend when I began to feel hazy and tried to rapid detox. I had no idea what detox even was…I thought I was dying. Mostly the doc switched me from one benzo to another whenever I complained of feeling detached and hazy. Freshmen year my best friend and roommate took 80 kpins along with some vodka and wrote a note. She called me in time for me to call 911, but she dropped out and went to rehab for oxy.
Over the years benzos have landed me in the hospital twice, and caused blackouts during which I shoplifted, passed out with my skirt up in a very public place and even woke up with strangers. The very worst point was when I was arrested for shoplifting (while blacked out) on my prescribed dose of 3 bars of xanex a day.
In jail I experienced what the jail doctor later deemed a psychotic state caused by lack of sleep and rapid detox (I was too out of it to even give them my doctor’s name, so even though I had my prescription on me downstairs in evidence there was no way i could get to anything). This was unlike anything I could have anticipated. I was unable to sleep for so long that I began to have waking nightmares, which are incredibly vivd and pretty much the same as full on hallucinations that you totally believe are true. I thought it was 100 years in the future, that I was headed to prison for manslaughter, that the story of my life and messages from my boyfriend were on the TVs (and the wall of my cell), that I was coming and going from prison, that my boyfriend was gay, that I was pregnant with his baby, that I had HIV….
Thankfully none of these things were true, and after a little under a week I started to come out of it. I had told some of the girls in there what I was hallucinating (as if it were the truth) which luckily they were able to laugh off when I came to. I guess its a common thing there, and nothing was done for me other than being moved back to secure housing.
Once I got out I should have stayed off the meds for good. Instead I did the next best thing and found a doctor to take me off the xanex. Obviously it was a problem, I was on way too much. He switched me to 2mg kpins 3 times daily, which i remained on for the next 4 years. I have made the chose to titrate off of that and try and get truly off for good. I have been on benzos half my life, and I’m only 25. Im currently down to 2mg or less per day. Im hurting.
I have become very agoraphobic, nauseous, angry, sad, and in a constant state of panic. My neck aches, have constant migraines, muscle spasms, seizures (small, but I have had one grand mal years ago when coming off xanex), no sleep, and feel foggy and stuck. Im thinking about killing myself, which is not typical for me. Basically I’m terrified because I know its going to get worse before it gets better, I’m not even 100% off yet…. My friends really don’t get it and insist its all in my head, it would be really nice to hear from someone who has come off a long term high dose successfully, there are so many horror stories out there, and I know firsthand how bad it can be. Anyway, thanks for reading.
[Name hidden]
Hello [...],
Welcome to Benzo Buddies!
Your story is very sad and I am sorry you have had to endure so many much from a very young age. You are still very young and with the determination you have and a good careful taper you will have a much better life ahead of you.
I’m glad you have a doctor helping you with your taper. I think this is very important due to your previous seizures.
I’m not sure what kind of taper plan you are on, but the best way to minimize withdrawal effects is to slowly taper off the medication. It is generally recommended to taper no more than 5-10% every 10-14 days. This rate can be adjusted based on how you feel, so it is very important to listen to your body.
I would suggest that you take a look at the Ashton Manual, it is an excellent resource about these types of drugs and how to withdraw. Here is a link: Professor Ashtons Manual
The symptoms that you mentioned are common during withdrawal. The good thing is that they are temporary and with time they will ease up. One issue to take seriously, we do here on the forum, is any talk about self harm. If you do have suicidal thoughts it is really important to speak to someone face to face about them. Do you have someone you can talk to?
We have a kind and caring community willing to help and encourage you. We get this, we’ve been through this. Please feel free to ask questions. Members can respond better if they can see you medication history at a glance. Please create a signature line listing your medication and doses. Here are the directions to do that: Create a signature
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Suicide, Self-Harm & Threatening Behaviour
[Name hidden]
Hello we’ll life is too beautiful to EVER throw away….. Please call 911 right away if u have those bad thoughts…… Also there are many many members on here who took a lot of benzos for longer then u have been alive…. Some members takin benzos 15 to 20 years……one member was takin about 140mg valium per day….. So there is Always hope… Just keep writing and talk to people on the Crisis line in ur city if u need too…. And remember any hospital is way way better then dying.… I’m pullin for you….. Way down here in Canada… Ok Really YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!!! All the best [...]… [...].
[Name hidden]
Welcome to the Forum!
Please don’t hesitiate to partipate like me!! I sometimes forget that this place is actually here for us to talk about this stuff!
Everybodies experience with Benzos and withdrawal is different.. But generally, we all get the feeling of what each other is going through.. Yes sure theres times when some of us may be too cranky to focus and offer (the best of) advice.. We are ALL going through a huge process!!
Coming off benzos is one of the biggest challenges in life.. Certainly the biggest I have come across so far.. It is not an experience that everybody will have ( thankfully!).. But it is a massive character building one!
You WILL come out of this better and stronger then ever! Just don’t give up on this. It is too important! Going back has no rewards.. Going forward holds the possibility of an entirely new future ahead of you! Walk towards that, and never look back at the life you’re leaving behind!
Keep in touch with the forum. Keep learning. But most importanting.. Keep loving YOURSELF!!! 
[Name hidden]
Thanks for everyone’s encouragement, and sorry for all the typos. I’m having trouble looking at a backlit screen without my eyes dashing back and forth….
Anyway, I want to be clear about the fact that while suisidal thoughts have been creeping up, I know that’s no answer, am not going to kill myself and do not have a plan. I have an amazing family who I could never, ever do that to. The thoughts seem involentary, and tend to come up most in vivid dreams I have been experiencing when I can catch a little sleep, which isn’t often. I know how important reaching out can be, but on this topic it’s really hard to explain without being labeled an addict (which I am, but hearing that really doesn’t help), or being told its all in my head and I’m making myself sick thinking about it (I wish that was the truth, but it’s just not). I really try not to think about my symptoms as much as I can, but I can’t wish this away. I tried a hospital detox once…6mg day one (Xanax) 3mg day two and then 1mg the third day and that was it. The doctors there seemed way more focused on my weight there than how I felt, and tried shipping me off to some ranch in Montana. I was 21, so I left AMA. In my search to make spence of this I have read about the Ashton method and am titrating in a somewhat similar way.
Thanks to everyone who responded. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I know that this drug has caused me more harm than good, and that even though I never intentionally abused it, it’s abusing me! Obviously I’m not knocking all doctors, but this stuff really shouldn’t be the go-to for anyone, especially minors who cannot give consent. Still, no use dwelling on the past. Quick question tho, did anyone gain weight once off benzos? I’m still only about 80 lbs and am hoping detox won’t but me at risk for losing more weight, I need to gain, not lose!
[Name hidden]
hello [...],
a warm welcome from europe.oh my god, reading your story made feel sad.
but i am sure you will find lot’s of encouragement and support on here.
after i came home from detox, where they had no idea at all how to get people
of benzos., i lost a lot of weight. but now at 8 months off i am back to normal 120 pounds
and my appetite is phantastic. i am sooo grateful, no more benzos, i am still suffering
cause it has been a long journey. but i can assure you it’s worth it.
so be strong, no stress and i hope you will have many wonderful years to come.
take care
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[Name hidden]
Hi [...]
wow, you have been through a lot in your young life!
I am so glad you have an amazing family who can support you.
i believe you have an amazing life ahead once you are off the drugs.
Those self harm thoughts, its good that you can see them for what they are. The drugs can make people think scary things, as you have exeperienced in a big way. Check out the download Beyond Benzodiazapenes (reconnexion10.pdf).
There is more helpful information about managing symptoms during withdrawal. Also the Ashton Manual of course.
All the very best. Everyone is scared of tapering but its not so bad if you take it slow.
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