Props to Seth Browarnik of WorldRedEye.com for the glorious photo above. They’re a must-follow on Twitter (@WorldRedEye).
By Josh Baumgard (@JoshBaumgard)
Welcome to the casting of HEAT, a film chronicling the 2010-2014 Miami Heat, a team constructed like no other in the history of professional sports. A team that won two championships in four years. A team the nation chose to hate because it was special, was housed in the winterless wonderland of Miami, and, of course, was “bought, not built.”
I’m 90 percent confident Pat Riley used Inception to infiltrate the mind of LeBron James in the mid 2000s and plant the seed to make this dream blossom in the summer of 2010.
It’s been about six months since LeBron decapitated Miami’s Big Three Era, electing to return home to Cleveland
because he wanted more power and a younger core
and attempt to bring a title to a city that hasn’t tasted professional sports championship glory in over half a century, as the fans frantically thirst for the sports gods to hate them less. But at least their winters are mild, though.
Enough making fun of Cleveland and onto the casting of HEAT.
Note: I understand there was a fantastic movie of the same title featuring Pacino and Deniro in 1995, and one before that with Burt Reynolds in 1986, but this title is in all caps, because the team created it that way. It’s clearly unique.
Synopsis: Pat Riley orchestrates the biggest free agency coup in NBA history, assembling — in a matter of days — one of the most talented cores the modern era NBA has ever seen. This film features the birth, rise and fall of the most polarizing professional sports team in the history of mankind.
Expected Release: Summer 2016
Budget: Unlimited (funded by Micky)
Micky Arison — Jack Nicholson
For the roles of Micky and Pat, we needed two transcendent actors.
Considering the Lakers’ putridity is literally sapping years of the life of Jack Nicholson, I’m willing to bet the iconic actor can temporarily shed his allegiance to the purple and gold, not only for the good of the film industry but for his well being.
Pat Riley — Michael Douglas
After briefly considering Pacino for Riley the star had to be Douglas.
They’re boys in real life, they both ooze swagger, and even look a like. In a pepper-haired, smooth-talking white guy kind of way.
Takeaway from Heat/Clippers: Michael Douglas could totally play Pat Riley in a movie. pic.twitter.com/C4rln1loni
— Nick Huddleston (@NickHuddleston) February 6, 2014
Chris Riley — Elisabeth Shue
Both have blue eyes and blonde hair. Full disclosure: Elisabeth Shue was chosen because my teenage self, probably along with millions of other smelly boys, was obsessed with her.
The leading lady of Karate Kid, Cocktail, Back to the Future, and Leaving Las Vegas (Oh. My. God.) belongs in this film, with the vision of the role being a supportive, strong wife similar to Claire Underwood in House of Cards.
I know nothing about Mrs. Riley, outside of the nuggets dropped in Jeff Pearlman’s Showtime (awesome book), but I imagine her to be this way. Shue still has it, by the way.
Erik Spoelstra — Michael Peña
Peña displayed many Spo-like qualities in Shooter, an underrated Mark Wahlberg flick. So this decision was easy.
Playing an FBI agent who thought against the grain and performed well under pressure, he stayed in the moment and played true to his identity.
Andy Elisburg — Wayne Knight
From Seinfeld to Jurassic Park to Space Jam, Wayne has displayed tremendous versatility. That and the fact he wears glasses makes him the perfect candidate to play Andy Elisburg, Riley’s capologist and cruncher of the numbers to make this plan feasible within NBA rules, and not screw up the team’s salary cap flexibility in the years leading up to the summer of 2010.
Nevermind that Andy is a towering 6-foot-6 and Knight is 5-foot-7. Tom Cruise is like 5-foot-2 and the cameras make him seem a foot taller.
LeBron James — Michael B. Jordan
For the King we need an athlete as much as an actor. Michael (B.) Jordan is the only logical choice. Chilling, huh?
He dominated a starring role in Friday Night Lights (the show) as the quarterback in the mold of Vince Young (the good one, the one from college) and then put his hoops prowess on display during last year’s NBA All-Star Weekend.
Will Smith 2.0 is our Heat version of LeBron James.
Savannah James — Meagan Good
We need some fire from the ladies in this film and Good brings the HEAT.
Dwyane Wade — Rob Brown
Brown’s career kicked off after playing a basketball star/writing prodigy in Finding Forrester and also played a hoopster in Coach Carter. In addition to his hoopster roles, he played Ernie Davis in The Express and played receiver at Amherst College.
Ron and Dwyane also share stellar jaw structure.
Gabrielle Union — Herself
Obvious.
Chris Bosh — Mehcad Brooks
If your wife, girlfriend, or sister watches True Blood, I guarantee you’ve heard about Brooks and his “delicious” body. Thankfully, they killed him off not long into the series so I could stop hearing about the “six pack from the heavens” and what “a real man looks like with his shirt off.”
Brooks appeared in basketball films Just Wright and Glory Road. 6-foot-3 helps, too.
Adrienne Bosh — Jennifer Lopez
So Brooks and J-Lo with some on-camera romance? There is a 100-percent chance of a Mr. and Mrs. Bosh sex scene in this movie.
Shane Battier — Common
Common KILLED IT in Just Wright, playing an NBA star who, while recovering from a career-threatening injury, left Paula Patton for her sister, Queen Latifah. So realistic.
Just Wright might be the worst romcom sports movie of the film industry’s modern era. Yet I enjoyed it.
Ray Allen — Himself
Have you seen He Got Game?
Mike Miller — Matthew McConaughey
You’re welcome, Mike Miller! We all know Matthew has the superior good looks, but this is a blockbuster and we need to overdose on starpower.
With Mike being the only truly relevant white wing during this era of Heat basketball, we didn’t have a choice. We’ve also seen HBO make Matt look pretty grimy in True Detective.
Udonis Haslem — Denzel Washington
Both have played badass enforcers.
Mario Chalmers — Nick Cannon
For Mario, we need someone goofy and childlike, someone who always seems to piss people off. Enter international sensation Nick Cannon.
You can’t tell me that he, like Mario, doesn’t always think he’s the best talent in the room.
Birdman — Michael Keaton
No-brainer.
Norris Cole — Nelly
Nelly is an athlete and he displayed a fine mix of speed and humility (two Cole traits) in The Longest Yard.
Michael Beasley — Deray Davis
Both are showman.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas — Michael Rosenbaum
Rosenbaum played a bald guy in Smallville.
Eddy Curry — Keenan Thompson
I had to pick a special, horizontally gifted someone with direct ties to food considering Eddy Curry has gigantic manboobs in this picture. Kenan Thompson, star of Good Burger, is the choice.
Can’t someone change his Wikipedia page to show NBA “Champion” in quotes?
Greg Oden — Morgan Freeman
With apologies to Morgan Freeman.
Follow Josh on Twitter (@JoshBaumgard) or send him an email.