Whitney Cummings, Twitter
Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more.
Strap in. It could get bumpy. These are the most entertaining celebrity tweets this week.
Listen, for a free big Mac I could make up some nice shit about my mom too.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) February 2, 2015
A free Big Mac is a free Big Mac.
Why the f,,,k would u throw a pass when u got #BeastMode in the back field. Who the hell called that play #waytoblowsuperbowl #dumbassplay
— SHAQ (@SHAQ) February 2, 2015
Even Shaw knows.
How come Goodell didn't arrive at the platform on a giant golden lion?
— Seth Davis (@SethDavisHoops) February 2, 2015
You know he took it home after the game.
BREAKING: Pete Carroll to be investigated for deliberately deflating his brain-cells.
#SuperBowl
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 2, 2015
Seems about right.
Congrats to the world champions @patriots you were the better team tonight. I will be visiting @chris_haven as Starlord. #twitterbowl
— chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) February 2, 2015
Awesome.
Why why why why why why why why why why why do they throw to Lockette from the 1 yard line with 20 seconds left when you've got Lynch???
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) February 2, 2015
Poor Seahawks fans.
I know it might be too soon to say this but I'm already really excited about football starting up again.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) February 2, 2015
Can’t come soon enough.
Dreamt uneasily last night about Katy Perry’s halftime Colorform lightning bolt dress.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) February 2, 2015
Everyone that saw it did.
Tom Brady's accepting his MVP award and Johnny Rehab is trending. NFL has to love that.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) February 2, 2015
Solid timing by Johnny Football.
Seahawks learned not to engage in risky football. Hope you don't engage in risky sex.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) February 2, 2015
Dr. Ruth, always looking out for us.
Johnny Football you go to the rehab I respect you more than ever bubba. FUCK THE PEOPLE THAT TALK SHIT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WITH THE ADDICTION
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 2, 2015
Hear hear, Sheikie baby.
Super Bowl commercials theme: sensitive dads should raise their liberated girls 2 grow up & join th armed forces. I agree: arm all th women.
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) February 2, 2015
That was kind of the theme of the day.
Question for adult men who ride bmx bikes around town: do you hear the clock ticking, or will you continue to ride a child's bike forever?
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 2, 2015
Solid question.
5 pounds heavier in one weekend. You did good, Christine, you did good
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 2, 2015
The Super Bowl diet in full effect.
Super stoked this Shingles commercial came on while I'm eating. I'm rock hard now.
— Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) February 2, 2015
Tasty.
What the hell is "fleek"?
— Johnny Weir (@JohnnyGWeir) February 2, 2015
Don’t ask, Johnny. It’s better if you don’t know.
Dear @Nationwide: Why didn't you secretly film people watching your dead kid commercial, "Red Wedding"-style? Missed opportunity.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 2, 2015
They really should have.
The episode on The Bachelor were they see the Love Guru is retarded I can't believe they would air garbage like that
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 3, 2015
Jose Canseco: TV Critic.
Gluten is the MVP of bread every year since forever
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) February 3, 2015
The undisputed champ.
Remember, believe in yourself, & always do what's right for you so that some shitbird w/ 37 followers can tell you how you're wrong
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 3, 2015
Welcome to Twitter.
A terrible thing just happened. I thought to myself, "What if I go to Buffalo Wild Wings" for lunch? And now I have to go.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 3, 2015
Happens to the best of us.
I'd like to know how they found a kid who they knew was gonna eventually die in an accident to cast in that commercial. Seems kinda fishy
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 3, 2015
Yeah…
They're publishing the sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird. Exciting! I can’t wait to read what kind of trouble Katniss gets up to in this one.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) February 3, 2015
Mockingjay, mockingbird, same thing.
I like to shit with the bathroom door open and the toilet seat closed. #WhyImStillSingle
— Jim Norton (@JimNorton) February 3, 2015
The toilet seat closed?
The science is clear: The earth is round, the sky is blue, and #vaccineswork. Let's protect all our kids. #GrandmothersKnowBest
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) February 3, 2015
Hillary has spoken.
Seahawk fans: ESPN SB talk has died down. Give it another three days & you should be good. #BeenThere
— Bill Burr (@billburr) February 4, 2015
And slowly the pain starts to dissipate.
My wife bought me a juicer. Tasted horrible. So metallic.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) February 4, 2015
You’re doing it wrong, Jim.
6 years woohoo!!! That's the longest I've done anything except John woohoo thank you @SI_Swimsuit!! Can't wait for Nashville!!!
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 4, 2015
John is one lucky man.
Are we desensitized to nudity yet? I’m trying to weigh whether it’s worth the effort to get undressed for a Twitter pic.
— Kayden Kross (@Kayden_Kross) February 4, 2015
Nope. Please continue.
I'm going to personally vaccinate my kids tonight. Giving them a ten second head start.
— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) February 4, 2015
That’s one way to do it.
"she looks like an alien elf" is one of my favorite things anyone has ever said about me
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) February 4, 2015
She does kind of look like an alien elf.
Where was Screech and Lisa tho?
— Orlando Jones (@TheOrlandoJones) February 5, 2015
Said everyone.
i have watched the shark vine 800 times and i don't understand why everyone doesn't think both sharks were fantastically, equally drunk
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 5, 2015
She has a point.
I would totally use the "traumatized from seeing daughter receive analingus" defense if I were him
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 5, 2015
He’s talking about this and this, ICYMI.
Does anyone here truly believe they are dumb?
— jim jefferies (@jimjefferies) February 5, 2015
On the Internet? No chance.
I wonder if McConaughey has ever seduced & made love to a Lincoln.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) February 6, 2015
Alright, alright, alright, Navigator.
Brian Williams is overseas today battling ISIS. #BrianWilliamsMisremembers
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) February 6, 2015
And yet he is still employed.
AND GO FUCK YOURSELF
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 5, 2015
Have a great weekend, everybody!