Weddings are a joyous event – a union between two people head over heels in love, the joining of two families, the binding of two etc. etc. However, in your loved-up state and your longing desire to become husband and wife you may have missed some of the small-print…
When I spoke those words “to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” it all seemed pretty much fair enough and above board. I fully intended to look after her and was fully prepared go through all of that stuff together should the need arise. However, somehow in my befuddled legal brain, clouded by emotion and blinded by the vision before me dressed all in white, I made that classic mistake and completely failed to check the hidden terms and conditions.
You see that phrase “to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” may sound like perfectly good english but it’s often missed that this part of the ceremony is in fact ancient Sanskrit which can be roughly translated as three legal clauses:
The speaker of these vows (henceforth to be known as “the husband”) hereby agrees to adhere to a strict Television schedule as dictated by the co-signatory of the partnership (henceforth to be known as “the wife”) and further agrees that the desire to watch football shall no longer be considered relevant.
The husband agrees to be bound by the “son-in-law clause”, the terms of which shall be periodically dictated and enforced without prior warning by either A) The Wife or B) Any relations of The Wife henceforth to be known as “the in-laws”.
The husband agrees to take sole charge of the building of any flat-pack furniture, well designed or otherwise, regardless of the extent to which the instructions make no sense, and in spite of how many very slightly different sized screws they may contain, none of which the happy looking cartoon man in the manual will appear to actually use.
(It should also be noted that if you’ve downloaded the most recent version of iTunes and clicked the “I agree” button you’re also bound to similar conditions in relation to Tim Cook.)
So this week the latter two clauses have been well and truly put into effect (let’s face it, the first one was merely formalising an unwritten “agreement” that had been in force since well before the wedding). With the in-laws moving house I’ve been put to work packing and shifting boxes, unloading vans, taking things out of boxes, putting them back in the boxes and moving them to the garage, taking them back out of the garage, staring at them for a bit then putting them back in the garage, and of course building hideous amounts of flat-pack furniture.
Having dismantled and re-assembled two beds on moving day I was just about ready to lay down on one for the night when a third was revealed, still boxed up and waiting for me, and with a tired looking fellow move-assister awaiting its construction so he, likewise, could retire to bed. 400 different sized screws, one bedroom in complete disarray, much swearing and a big hammer later I have this advice for you: if you ever see a flat-pack bed on a too-good-to-be-true discount offer then THERE’S A REASON!! Run my friends, run for the hills!
If you are running off to the hills though don’t forget to make sure you take your flat-pack gas barbecue** with you, which I’m happy to report that despite being again a device of a billion pieces and dubious instruction can be constructed in considerably less time than a simple looking hose-pipe reel. A little word of advice though, if you are going to spend your afternoon shouting at building a barbecue then make sure you have both the gas and some burgers to take advantage at the end of it, it would probably make the process considerably more satisfying…
**gas barbecues aren’t really barbecues, they’re outside cookers… if you want a barbecue go get yourself some charcoal!
So whilst reading the manual may indeed be completely pointless when it comes to flat-pack furniture, do make sure that when it comes to your marriage you read the small print. And by the way, if you do read it then also make sure you pay particular attention to the clauses regarding dog-walking and thunderstorms and especially make sure you tick the box to opt out of the complimentary dietary consultancy package… believe me it rarely is complimentary! Oh and one last thing, if anyone knows any good contract killers I have a sizeable bounty out on the designer of a pneumatic hinged ottoman flat-pack bed…
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