For some reason, Valentine’s Day represents all kinds of pressures for both individuals in a relationship, so we’ve decided to do a good deed and help you all out this year. We’ve been kind enough to put together a crash course for Valentine’s Day, detailing the perfect gifts, sexy ideas, dates and cards to impress your loved one, or seduce a new interest.
We guarantee that these romantic tips will not only make your relationship 100% stronger and happier, but they will also increase your weekly servings of red meat.
Perfect gifts:
A one year gym membership:
Being comfortable enough to try and change your partner’s physical appearance is the emotional equivalent of second base. And remember, nothing says “happy one month anniversary” like trying to lock someone into a binding relationship for the next year.
Chocolate moulded into the shape of their face (or genitals):
Caesar had statues built to remember his greatness and Rodun used exquisite skill to mould the beauty of the human form. This is like those things but you’re also effectively eating each others faces. It doesn’t get much more intimate than that.
“Made with love” sandwich bags:
These heart-decorated sandwich bags will be a really funny joke. Later, they will help you recall that one time you had a girlfriend when you eat your sandwiches alone.
Tandem gloves:
At the core of every issue slowly tearing couples apart is the inability to wear gloves AND hold hands at the same time. Don’t waste precious minutes allowing your loved one to live in uncertainty of your affections. Probably best not to use them whilst riding a tandem bike.
Perfect sexy ideas
Brief Jerky:
The only thing sexier than a Victoria’s Secret Underwear model is your significant other wearing beef jerky underwear. It’s the least effective and most delicious chastity belt ever. You can even skip the date to the steak house this Feb 14th. Two birds, one stone.
Bacon Lube:
Best served as an entree to Brief Jerky.
A Boob Job:
The gift that keeps on giving. Also, if you sign up for one of those cosmetic surgery payment plans, it will also prove that you are a financially stable partner.
Your dick in a box:
600,000 views on YouTube don’t lie. Not only will it show your spontaneous side, but your lover will get to see that you’re the whole package
Perfect date ideas
Burlesque show/ strip club:
Ladies, show him that you’re a guy’s gal. Guys, it’s important to make her a part of your life. Remember, just like going to the gym or eating a healthy meal, it doesn’t count if you don’t put it on Facebook or Instagram.
Taking them to dinner to meet your wife/husband and the kids:
This is only for those willing to make a more serious commitment. Nothing tells your partner that you’re serious about them like meeting their spouse and children.
A 3 course dinner at IKEA for $6.99:
Be sure to insist on paying with your own coupons. It’s Valentine’s Day – you’re feeling generous.
A cemetery:
You can look for headstones with your names on them for a cute game. For those in more serious, committed relationships, you may feel like picking your cemetery plots.
Perfect Cards
Click through for a collection of emotionally tender cards that really warmed the hearts of the BULLSH!T team:
You’re now officially ready to woo your loved one this February 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day from all of the team here at BULLSH!T!
WORDS BY CYNDALL MCINERNEY, who swears she has tried and tested all of these methods and insists these are 100% fool-proof at least half the time.
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