Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are divorcing after two years of marriage, and the well-informed gossip writers of the world have dug deep into finding out what, exactly, is going on.
Here are 7 reasons for the split, compiled from the internet, which is completely trustworthy.
1. Angelina hired a private investigator who discovered that Brad was having an affair with Marion Cotillard
Page Six has it on good authority that the divorce comes as a result of Jolie’s hiring of a private investigator which uncovered an affair with Pitt and his Allied co-star, Cotillard. Is Pitt just being linked to Cotillard because she’s a pretty woman who happens to be appearing in a film with him? How dare you ask that question. This is journalism.
2. Brad and Angelina had parenting differences
TMZ, in its breaking of the divorce, debunked the Cotillard rumors and said that the breakup is a result of Brad and Angelina having different parenting styles. This seems almost believable, which is why I choose not to believe it.
EPA Photo
3. Brad mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow’s name in his sleep
This story was blown wide open by the dogged investigatory journalists at Morning News USA and The National Enquirer, who reported that Angelina was very upset because Brad apparently said Gwyneth Paltrow’s name in his sleep one night, which apparently led to the dissolution of their marriage. Seems rock solid.
4. Brad went to Croatia with his friends
This one comes to us from In Touch Weekly, who said that the “final straw” for the couple came when Pitt refused to spend the last few weeks of summer with his family and instead traveled to Croatia for some bro time with his bros. I’ve never been to Croatia. I hear it’s lovely.
AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill
5. Brad smoked and drank too much and had an anger problem
This also comes from TMZ, who implied that this was the cause of the so-called parenting issues above.
6. Angelina Jolie is an alien reptoid
I mean, the writer makes a compelling case here.
7. Brad and Jen reconnected
The Old Faithful of Brad Pitt tabloid stories. You can set your watch to them. I look forward to reading these stories into my old age.
Photo By Jack Gruber, USA Today
So anyway, there you have it. Through basic deduction, we can conclude that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorced because a drunk, high, angry, Croatia-bro-downing Pitt was having affairs with Marion Cotillard, Jennifer Aniston, and Gwyneth Paltrow, perhaps at the same time, all of which was happening in front of his children. And also Angelina Jolie is an alien reptoid.
I’m surprised this breakup didn’t happen sooner.
FILE - In this Jan. 15, 2007 file photo, Brad Pitt, and actress Angelina Jolie arrive for the 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills, Calif. Angelina Jolie Pitt has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, bringing an end to one of the world's most star-studded, tabloid-generating romances. An attorney for Jolie Pitt, Robert Offer, said Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2016, that she has filed for the dissolution of the marriage. (AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill, File) ORG XMIT: NYET211
FILE - In this Nov. 4, 2015 file photo Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt attend the WSJ Magazine Innovator Awards 2015 at The Museum of Modern Art in New York. Jolie has filed for divorce from Pitt, bringing an end to one of the world s most star-studded, tabloid-generating romances. (Photo by Charles Sykes/Invision/AP, File) ORG XMIT: LA101
epa05549339 (FILE) The file picture dated 16 May 2011 shows US actor Brad Pitt (R) and US actress Angelina Jolie (L) arriving for the screening of 'The Tree of Life' during the 64th Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, France. According to media reports from 20 September 2016, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from her husband Brad Pitt, as her lawyer confirmed. EPA/IAN LANGSDON *** Local Caption *** 02736635 ORG XMIT: TRE015
epa05549365 (FILE) A file picture dated 20 May 2009 shows US actors Brad Pitt (R) and Angelina Jolie (L) arriving for the gala screening of the film 'Inglourious Basterds' at the 62nd edition of the Cannes film festival in Cannes, France. According to media reports from 20 September 2016, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from her husband Brad Pitt, as her lawyer confirmed. EPA/CHRISTOPHE KARABA *** Local Caption *** 51539983 ORG XMIT: CAN410
epa05549337 (FILE) The file picture dated 05 November 2015 shows US actress Angelina Jolie Pitt (L) and her husband US actor Brad Pitt arriving for the world premiere of the movie 'By The Sea' at the TCL Theatre in Hollywood, California, USA. According to media reports from 20 September 2016, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from her husband Brad Pitt, as her lawyer confirmed. EPA/JIMMY MORRIS *** Local Caption *** 52357695 ORG XMIT: JMX20
epa05549344 (FILE) The file picture dated 15 May 2008 shows US actors Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arriving for the gala screening of the film 'Kung Fu Panda' running out of competition at the 61st edition of the Cannes Film Festival, in Cannes, France. According to media reports from 20 September 2016, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from her husband Brad Pitt, as her lawyer confirmed. EPA/CHRISTOPHE KARABA ORG XMIT: CAN104
epa05549367 (FILE) A file picture dated 27 January 2009 shows US actor Brad Pitt (C) with his son Knox (in arms), daughter Zahara (R) and son Pax (L) as his partner, US actress Angelina Jolie (C-L) holds their daughter Vivienne (unseen) and son Maddox (L) and daughter Shiloh (R) upon their arrival at Tokyo's Narita International Airport in Chiba Province, Japan. According to media reports on 20 September 2016, Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from her husband Brad Pitt, her lawyer confirmed. EPA/EVERETT KENNEDY BROWN ORG XMIT: EKB04
FILE - In this May 15, 2008 file photo, American actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrive for the premiere of the film \"Kung Fu Panda,\" during the 61st International film festival in Cannes, southern France. Angelina Jolie Pitt has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, bringing an end to one of the world's most star-studded, tabloid-generating romances. An attorney for Jolie Pitt, Robert Offer, said Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2016, that she has filed for the dissolution of the marriage. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles, file) ORG XMIT: NYET205
FILE - In this May 28, 2014 file photo, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arrive at the world premiere of \"Maleficent\" in Los Angeles. Angelina Jolie Pitt has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, bringing an end to one of the world's most star-studded, tabloid-generating romances. An attorney for Jolie Pitt, Robert Offer, said Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2016, that she has filed for the dissolution of the marriage. (Photo by Matt Sayles/Invision/AP, File) ORG XMIT: NYET210
FILE - In this Nov. 5, 2015 file photo, Angelina Jolie, left, and Brad Pitt arrive at the 2015 AFI Fest opening night premiere of \"By The Sea\" in Los Angeles. Angelina Jolie Pitt has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, bringing an end to one of the world's most star-studded, tabloid-generating romances. An attorney for Jolie Pitt, Robert Offer, said Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2016, that she has filed for the dissolution of the marriage. (Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP, File) ORG XMIT: NYET212
File - 20. September 2016: Angelina Jolie's lawyer confirmed that the actress filed for divorce from her husband actor Brad Pitt. The couple has six children and Jolie is asking for physical custody. LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 13: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt attend the Global Summit to end Sexual Violence in Conflict at ExCel on June 13, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by Karwai Tang/WireImage) ORG XMIT: 671382961 ORIG FILE ID: 450544304
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