The 2016 NFL preseason ends Thursday night. It’s time to take a look back at the preseason that was, and not in a good way.
There are so many reasons not to like preseason football. The games don’t count and some of the players on the field will be typing up resumés in September.
Those players aren’t the only ones who aren’t good enough to get into the stadium when the games count. Some of these announcers aren’t getting anywhere near a booth in the regular season, and it’s not hard to figure out why.
So let’s hand out some awards for the worst moments from 2016 preseason television broadcasts.
The envelopes, please.
(Photos are courtesy of NFL Game Pass.)
Rust medal
Coming off a long offseason, some preseason announcers aren’t exactly in midseason form.
This medal goes to the announcing team that needed to shake off the most rust in the preseason opener, and it’s fitting that the award was won in a game played in the Rust Belt.
Lions announcers Matt Shepard and Chris Spielman had a rough start in Pittsburgh. Shepard talked about how Landry Jones, starting in place of Ben Roethlisberger, led the Steelers to a comeback win over the Cardinals last year. Shepard added that it’s a tough place for anyone to win. The problem with that is that the Steelers beat the Cardinals in Pittsburgh.
Spielman talked about how Lions safety Rafael Bush was “starting for a fighting position.” Then when Matthew Stafford completed a pass to new Lions receiver Marvin Jones, Shepard pointed out how well they’ve been working together in camp. “Synergy” was probably the word he was looking for. Instead, he called it “symmetry.”
Unlike most preseason announcers, Spielman will be working regular-season NFL games. He’ll be standing alongside Dick Stockton on FOX. Later in the preseason game against the Steelers, Spielman showed why he makes the cut when he explained why play-action doesn’t always work. The four-time Pro Bowl linebacker said he would listen to the offensive linemen, and if they grunted it meant it was a running play. If they didn’t make a sound then it was a passing play.
Good stuff there. Spielman and Shepard just had to get a few cobwebs out.
Most blatant homers
A lot of these preseason announcers work for local network affiliates. So the opening montage will feature just the local team and the announcers will wear polo shirts with the team’s logo on one side of the chest. That comes with the territory in the preseason.
The Jaguars broadcasts are a little too over the top, however. This award could be considered a lifetime achievement award because it goes back to last year.
Jaguars sideline reporter Nikki Kimbleton is likely being told how to dress, so her bosses at WJXT are probably the ones who should be accepting this award.
For the Jaguars’ preseason opener last year, Kimbleton wore an all-teal dress. Being dressed in team colors is bad enough. But this year, Kimbleton sported a top with a Jaguars logo in the middle surrounded by some kind of glittery pattern. What’s she going to wear next year? A Blake Bortles jersey?
On top of all that, Kimbleton’s role seemed to be going around EverBank Field touting the club seats sponsored by different companies. That segment could have been called “Don’t You Wish You Had the Money?”
The Jaguars need to get over that 5-11 hurdle just to get fans to pay for regular seats.
Worst sideline reporter
Clinton Portis uses a crutch. No, it’s not a crutch to help him walk. It’s an announcing crutch. Every sideline interview starts with a question beginning with “How does it feel?”
During the Redskins’ preseason game against the Bills, one of Portis’ how-does-it-feel questions for Jordan Reed was about him being considered one of the best tight ends in the NFL. He was way too wordy with the question. It was hard to make out every word because Portis doesn’t enunciate very well.
When Portis asked left tackle Trent Williams if the Redskins could win with Kirk Cousins at quarterback, he said “Do you all think you can win with Kirk Cousins?”
He didn’t need the word “all” in that sentence.
Portis’ voice sounds too much like the voice of an athlete during a post-game interview. There needs to be some voice training somewhere between hanging up the spikes and holding a microphone.
Worst booth dance
Patriots play-by-play man Dan Roche did a little dance number during the fourth quarter of New England’s preseason game against the Bears.
Even Patriots fans have to admit it was harder to watch than Super Bowl XX.
Dancing and rapping is kind of Roche’s thing. He won a friendly rap competition of on-air personalities at 98.5 The Sports Hub in Boston, and highlights of that Rap-apalooza were shown coming out of a commercial. That’s what prompted Roche to dance during the telecast.
Now if Roche can get Bill Belichick to dance like that, this dubious award will be expunged from his record.
Worst product tie-in
When the Panthers’ opponent gets into the red zone, the Panthers’ Red Zone Defense graphic is sponsored by CPI Security Systems, “the official security provider of the Carolina Panthers.”
Is that something you want to brag about? Didn’t two people somehow get rappelling equipment into Bank of America Stadium during a Monday Night Football game last season and suspend themselves from the upper deck to protest the bank’s financing of a gas facility?
Was CPI responsible for that breach? No. But considering that incident it’s probably not a good idea to sell your company with a sentence that includes both “Panthers” and “security.”
Vaguest set-up
Seahawks’ commentator Brock Huard was trying to illustrate the optimism surrounding the Seahawks before their Week 1 preseason game at Kansas City. He said the organization is turning the clock “back to when they lost to Atlanta and they went on their run.”
Football lifers know what Huard meant. The Seahawks lost to the Falcons in the 2012 NFC divisional playoffs, then won Super Bowl XLVIII the next year. Huard was trying to say that the 2012 playoff loss motivated the Seahawks the following year.
Considering the Seahawks mic flags Huard and Curt Menefee were using, perhaps some of their viewers instantly understood the meaning of “Atlanta.”
Still, that was three and a half years ago. A lot has happened since then. President Obama was sworn in for a second term. The Ice Bucket Challenge came and went as a fad. Malcolm Butler went from cooking chicken at Popeyes to Super Bowl hero.
The mere mention of Butler’s name in Seattle will probably get you a hot splash of Starbucks in your lap. Unless the word “Atlanta” gets the same reaction, Huard could have clarified just a little.
Worst haircut
The Lions and Ravens met for a 7 p.m. game in Week 3 of the preseason, so it’s not like it was a morning kickoff and Stan White had just rolled out of bed.
Maybe White was told that the preseason is a little more laid back and announcers can let their hair down a little more, and he took it literally.
White last played in the NFL in 1982, so he’s had enough time to freshen up and comb his hair since his last game.
The theories surrounding White’s messy hair are endless. Now it’s just a matter of finding a volunteer to ask the former linebacker what’s up with his hair.
Worst case of mentioning everything else except the most obvious thing that needs to be mentioned
When the Chiefs visited the Rams at the Los Angeles Coliseum in Week 2 of the preseason. Chiefs play-by-play man Carter Blackburn, analyst Trent Green and sideline reporter BJ Kissel had a lot of interesting nuggets about Los Angeles.
Blackburn mentioned the fact that the city hosted the first Super Bowl. He mentioned that the 1932 and 1984 Summer Olympics were played in Los Angeles.
Kissel even had an interesting story about Chiefs coach Andy Reid and Rams coach Jeff Fisher both growing up in Los Angeles, Reid about 10 miles from the stadium, and how their high school teams never met.
Reid said the last time he was in the Los Angeles Coliseum was when he was a student at BYU. Green said his last time in the coliseum was when he was a rookie with the Chargers in 1993.
Any particular reason why so many people associated with the NFL haven’t been in the coliseum for so long?
How about the fact that there hadn’t been an NFL team there for 21 years before the Rams moved back to Los Angeles this year?
Blackburn and Green finally mentioned that little tidbit late in the first quarter. The Rams played their preseason opener at home the previous week, so this game wasn’t as much of a landmark event and the Rams’ move isn’t exactly breaking news. But it’s still a story and in weaving their Los Angeles story lines Blackburn and Green buried the lead.