Could UK entrant Molly do better than last year's Bonnie Tyler? Were France's Twin Twin the new Jedward? Would commentator Graham Norton ever replace Terry Wogan in our hearts? Find out all this and more. Stuart Heritage liveblogged the Eurovision final, as it happened
11.32pm BST
And, as Conchita belts out her song for one last time, it's time for me to go and get some sleep. The Eurovision Song Contest of 2014 is over. It went on for so long that my internal bodyclock is now under impression that its actually 2017, but who cares? We made it! Deepest congratulations to Conchita, sore commiserations to everyone else and even sorer commiserations to your bottom which, if it's anything like my bottom, fell asleep at 9pm and is now covered in a layer of permanent bedsores.
As always, thank you so much for joining in with all your comments tonight. Truly, you are all troupers. If youd like to follow me on Twitter, Im @StuHeritage. Now lets all get out of here while were still young. See you in Austria next year!
11.29pm BST
Anyway, Conchita is the winner of Eurovision. This is wonderful news. Conchita is crying her eyes out. She dedicates the win to everyone who believes in peace and freedom. Which, I guess, is us? It's hard to say. Screw it, she dedicated the win to us. To me, in fact, specifically to me. Thanks, Conchita!
11.27pm BST
A friend of mine who's a Danish journalist just sent me this link. Apparently this liveblog has made the news there. I can't read Danish, so I'll just assume that I've mortally offended someone and apologise now.
11.25pm BST
But the final votes still have to come in. Next, Switzerland: land of men who look like I will 25 years from now. They say some numbers. It doesn't matter. Conchita's still won. Conchita winning Eurovision? MAKES CONCHITA CRY.
11.23pm BST
Now for Ukraine, land of Lovely Girls. Eight points to Austria. Ten points to Armenia. And twelve points to Sweden. And this means that Conchita has won Eurovision.
AUSTRIA HAS WON EUROVISION. SOMEONE INVITE ME TO VIENNA NEXT YEAR.
11.20pm BST
The Austrian presenter is wearing a Conchita-style beard. This has made Conchita cry. I think that everything might make Conchita cry. Hey, let's make a gameshow called Things That Make Conchita Cry. Hunger? MAKES CONCHITA CRY? The film Born Free? MAKES CONCHITA CRY. A photograph of a shoe? MAKES CONCHITA CRY. One atom of dust? MAKES CONCHITA CRY.
I would watch the crap out of this gameshow. Someone make it happen.
11.17pm BST
The Finnish man is rapping when he should be reading the points out. The Lithuanian man is rubbing his hands like a weirdo when he should be reading the points out. I care for neither of them.
11.16pm BST
Slowly but surely, The Netherlands are closing in on Austria. And The UK's sinking without trace. As as France and Germany. Three of the bottom five acts automatically got through to the grand final. Would their chances be improved if they had to take part in the semi-finals like everyone else? OBVIOUSLY. Would their chances be improved if they all entered girls who burped the alphabet? OBVIOUSLY.
11.13pm BST
Hungary! Land of presenters who really don't want to be there!
11.13pm BST
Estonia! Where I'm going for a month later this year. Estonia has given 12 points to The Netherlands, which means I won't have to make too much of a fuss when I get there.
11.11pm BST
Portugal. Land of inexplicably illuminated castles and fountains. Stuart Heritage. Land of being bored of typing the phrase 'inexplicably illuminated' so often.
Look, Austria's definitely going to win this. Does this mean we can go home now? No. Does it mean we should? Probably.
11.09pm BST
Crazy food host is talking to Conchita, who is crying her eyes out. I think this might be my moment to ask if any Austrians fancy putting me up next year.
11.07pm BST
Right. I haven't really been following the points. Austria is in the lead at the moment, and The Netherlands is second. And we're not going to win. So! Established pop acts like Blue can't win it, elderly veterans like Humperdinck and Tyler can't win it and now promising contemporary acts can't win it, either.
There's only one thing for it. Next year, we have to enter that girl who can burp the alphabet. We HAVE to.
11.04pm BST
Belarus! Land of women with no volume control! Belarus gives 12 points to Russia, and there's booing, and now I feel sorry for the rat king twins.
11.03pm BST
Macedonia! Land of inexplicably illuminated spectacles. We're six off the bottom, by the way. Or fifth. Fifth. But, on the plus side, at least all the entries have got points now. Even France, unbelievably.
11.01pm BST
And here's Armenia, to spoil the mood of the evening by giving ten points to Russia and no points to Ukraine. One day, archive footage of this broadcast will be used in a documentary about the days leading up to World War Three, and it won't be any more interesting.
10.59pm BST
Latvia! Land of hamfisted crowdwork that doesn't really work. The UK, if you're wondering, has 16 points. Which is not great, all said.
10.58pm BST
Now to the UK, land of Scott Mills' inexplicably illuminated face. Eight points to The Netherlands. Ten points to Malta, which is weird. And twelve points to Austria. She's building a lead up now.
10.57pm BST
To France! Land of the inexplicably illuminated Eiffel Tower. And women who cannot stop talking. Ten points to Austria, who are now in the lead. This will be a close one.
10.55pm BST
Now to Malta, land of women who appear to be unable to unclasp their hands no matter how enthusiastic they say things.
10.54pm BST
Russia! Land of pretty girls being booed by entire stadiums in a fairly uncomfortable way. Russia gives seven points to Ukraine. And yet things haven't been this awkward since everything that's happened during Eurovision all evening.
10.52pm BST
Romania! Land of inexplicably illuminated EVERYTHING! Hungary are now winning. Was that the song about child abuse? Europe, what is it with you?
10.51pm BST
As it stands now, Sweden is winning. Russia are sixth. France are last. We are not last. This is an unusual feeling.
10.49pm BST
San Marino! Inexplicably illuminated castles! They've given the UK five points, so it'll only be a major embarrassment for us this year and not a catastrophe.
10.48pm BST
Albania! Land of inexplicably illuminated baseball caps! Twelve points to Ruth Lorenzo.
10.47pm BST
Now to Poland, land of inexplicably illuminated stadiums. They've given eight points to Germany, the weirdos. And ten points to Switzerland, the weirdos. And twelve points to the Netherlands. Which I approve of, due to my advanced age.
10.46pm BST
Next, to Greece, land of inexplicably illuminated fountains. Eight points to The Netherlands. Ten points to... oh, Russia. Twelve points to Austria, though. Phew.
10.45pm BST
Ten points to Ukraine. Twelve points to Russia. It is All. Kicking. Off.
This is going to be a painful, painful hour.
10.44pm BST
And now! Voting! We begin with Azerbaijan, land of inexplicably illuminated skyscrapers.
10.44pm BST
OK! Actual voting time! Which, as always, begins with the head of Eurovision being the most boring man alive as aggressively as he can until everyone wants to start tugging their own teeth out.
10.42pm BST
As she sings, some people splash about in some water and the flags of the nation are brought onstage by the Eurovision acts. The acts are all forced to chant "Weya weya weya" over and over again. And they're all doing a pretty good job of it. Even that Azerbaijani woman who could only make a noise like a slowly deflating haemorrhoid cushion during her actual entry. Well done everyone.
10.38pm BST
And now, last year's winner sings last year's winning song. The crowd goes wild. So she stops halfway through and sings her new single, that nobody has heard. The crowd does not go quite as wild.
10.38pm BST
In this bit, the female host is walking around backstage talking to the acts. "You like bacon, don't you?" she asks one of them. And then she gives him some bacon.
"You like cake, don't you?" she asks another. And then she gives her some cake.
10.33pm BST
AND NOW a discussion about the minor gripes that one of the entries happens to have about the flaws in his hotel's breakfast options. It is precisely as enthralling as you'd expect.
10.31pm BST
And now Gina G is choking to death. Genuinely. This is incredible. I think Denmark's just gone up in my estimations. Although that doesn't forgive their song this year. That awful, awful song.
10.29pm BST
And now a sketch where Pilou pretends that there's a Eurovision museum in Copenhagen, and then pulls a series of funny faces at stuff. I think a child just had its face burned off, though. Bit weird.
10.28pm BST
The lines are almost closed. Have you voted for your favourite entry? No? Because this contest has gone on for so long that you've realised that nothing you ever do will ever matter, and you'll be forgotten as soon as you die? Yeah, me neither.
10.26pm BST
I've decided that I like The Netherlands the best tonight. Please send me Wether's Originals and brochures for walk-in baths, stat.
10.24pm BST
I'm bored of posting videos now. The recap's still on. Who wants to swap recipe ideas?
10.23pm BST
Here's a video where a woman with too many facial piercings teaches you how to make bracelets out of shoelaces. YOU ARE STILL QUITE WELCOME.
10.21pm BST
Another recap. That means it's VIDEO TIME! Here's the first YouTube result for the term 'stupid rabbit'. YOU'RE WELCOME.
10.19pm BST
The song has now morphed into a song about China, and therefore has become my favourite thing about the whole show. There's now a bit where an eleven-year-old girl is talking about how great Eurovision is and singing like Anastasia. Again, I have no idea how ironic this is supposed to be. Maybe she's a little Chinese man dressed up as a Maltese girl. I have no idea. I just want to go to bed.
10.15pm BST
And now, a song from the judges about the number 12. I think it's supposed to be ironic, but I've long since lost the ability to discern this sort of thing.
10.14pm BST
At the end of this performance, they kick the ladders away and everyone immediately feels horrible about themselves.
10.13pm BST
Anyway, shh, this is the proper Eurovision halftime show now. It's an old man singing a ukulele version of Ode To Joy on top of a neon ladder. Some other people have joined him now. It's like watching caberet night on Qarth. Again, not a compliment.
10.11pm BST
A child singing a Justin Bieber song. YOU ARE WELCOME.
10.09pm BST
Someone burping the alphabet. You're welcome.
10.07pm BST
I just saw a comment on here saying that I should put YouTube videos on here to get you all through the interminable recap. You're going to regret that in a couple of minutes, mark my words.
10.05pm BST
There is now the first of approximately four hundred interminable recaps. Remember the song about cheesecake? Or the one where that woman made a noise like she was drowning in quicksand? Or - oh, no, wait, I actually quite liked the Icelandic song. Or, god, any of them? Remember them? Because here they all are, all 26 of them, all in a row.
My fingers hurt.
10.03pm BST
To fill the gaping void until 11:35pm, the Eurovision hosts have decided to cover Graham Norton with confetti. Out of spite. It's like Beadle's About, except without Jeremy Beadle or jokes or a point.
10.01pm BST
And that's it! All the singers have performed! Goodbye everyone...
...Wait, what's that?
10.00pm BST
This video. You're welcome.
9.58pm BST
The best thing about this, I've decided, is the drummer. He's doing his best to steal the show by waving his arms about all over the place. He reminds me of a YouTube video. I'll see if I can find it.
9.57pm BST
Finally, its us! And this year were not coming in the form of Englebert Humperdinck or Bonnie Tyler! Were young! Were fresh! Were were sort of a little bit generic and probably wont do especially well at Eurovision as a result. But were performing last, so at least people will actually remember that were in Eurovision this year, right? Thats how it works, isnt it? Right?
9.56pm BST
And now THE UK. Making a flag out of some buses. And some anoraks.
9.55pm BST
If this is the sort of music that double glazing firms from San Marino play when youre on hold to them, then remind me never to buy any double glazing from a double glazing firm from San Marino. Which is to say that this song is so dull in every way imaginable that I cant even be bothered to describe it to you.
Oh, fine then, I will. It also sounds like a Bond theme. But a Timothy Dalton Bond film that nobody saw about James Bond trying and failing to open a particularly stubborn jar of piccalilli.
9.53pm BST
SAN MARINO. A flag. You know how this works by now.
9.53pm BST
FUN GAME: Listen to this song after the Norwegian song where the man sang about the silent storm inside him, and pretend that they've been tasked with cleaning up after his gastroenteritis. It makes this song a lot more mournful.
9.51pm BST
They didn't make it onto the stage in time but, after some wild filling from the host, here they are.
I really wanted to hate this, but I cant. Its unbearably Radio 2-sounding, so the fact that I like it means that Im doomed to spend the rest of my life being given fingerless driving gloves for Christmas, but its completely at odds with everything else Ive heard tonight. It almost like a Fleetwood Mac song. Were allowed to admit to liking Fleetwood Mac again now, right? Phew. I'd be very happy if this won, even though it doesn't have a Polish woman fondling a broom handle in it.
9.48pm BST
Now for THE NETHERLANDS. Flower-flag, naturally.
9.47pm BST
Quickly, someone write some slash fiction where this guy and the Belarus entry stand in front of each other and pretend to be each other's reflection, and then start licking each other on the face because they look so alike. But write it quickly, because it's probably going to happen in real life in about an hour.
9.46pm BST
This song was bound to get a good reaction from the crowd. Which is just as well, because this is horrible. It sounds like Jason Mraz has slipped on a bar of soap and fallen down the stairs. And its cleverer than it thinks it is because its title references how trite it is. Which we already knew because weve got ears thank you very much.
9.44pm BST
Now DENMARK. Making a flag by destroying some furniture. Mate, you come from the country of Lego. Make the flag out of Lego, you weirdos.
9.43pm BST
Quick, make a list of the most needless inventions you can think of. Actually, dont bother, because Malta already beaten you. Theyve entered the Maltese Mumford & Sons. To reiterate, they are the Maltese Mumford and Sons. Wait, they're not. Oh god, theyre the Maltese version of that Gary Barlow song that really wanted to be Mumford & Sons. And it's got the equivalent of Christina Aguilera's needless Moves Like Jagger verse in it, too. This is getting worse and worse. Lets just all quietly close our eyes and pretend this never happened.
9.40pm BST
Now MALTA, who made a flag out of, oh, something or other.
9.40pm BST
This song is definitely about child abuse, by the way, because two people are standing behind the singer doing an interpretive dance about child abuse. It is precisely as upsetting as you'd imagine. At the end of it, the singer saves the female dancer from being attacked. He's my new hero. Even though none of this would have happened if he'd never opened his stupid mouth to begin with.
9.38pm BST
Inexplicably, Hungary has decided to enter a graphic ballad about child abuse in this years Eurovision. If I just heard right, the chorus goes She cries cries cries/ Daddy why why why? Not to belittle child abuse or anything, but remember when Eurovision was people in glittery hotpants going Ding dong ding dong for three minutes? I think I preferred it back then.
9.36pm BST
HUNGARY now. Making a flag out of a Rubik Cube. Rubbish.
9.35pm BST
"I am the hunter, you are the prey, tonight I'm going to eat you up". NOT COOL SWITZERLAND.
"I am so wet and dirty". I SAID NOT COOL, SWITZERLAND.
9.33pm BST
Oh great, jaunty whistling. And I can hear a banjo. On Eurovision. This doesnt seem right at all. I blame Mumford & Sons. Why, Mumford? Why must you infect Eurovision like this? That said, the singer seems pleasant enough and I dont entirely hate the song. You hear that, Switzerland? Its a compliment.
9.32pm BST
Next SWITZERLAND, making a flag out of some dominos.
9.31pm BST
Now, I bloody love Ruth Lorenzo. Probably a little bit too much. But I can't really concentrate on this song. Her song's called Dancing In The Rain, and she's all wet. But she's holding a microphone. I'm really quite worried that this whole thing will end with a horrible electrocution. A Lorenzocution.
Oh Ruth Lorenzo, I love you too.
9.30pm BST
It's RUTH LORENZO! Ruth Lorenzo from X FACTOR! Now were talking. This song is a bit of a disappointment, though; especially if you saw her on X Factor singing Purple Rain with such intensity that she all but pooped her pants during the big note at the end. Hey, maybe if we all vote for her, Eoghan Quigg will run on at the end and give her a hug. VOTE RUTH.
9.28pm BST
Now for SPAIN. Making a flag out of some wool. And then nodding at it.
9.27pm BST
A prediction: Chris Martin is calling a no win no fee copyright lawyer in tears as we speak.
9.26pm BST
Hey, Finland, Match of the Day called. They want their Goal Of The Month music back.
We should congratulate Finland for trying something slightly different. And by 'trying something different' I mean 'really wanting to be that Stereophonic song from a decade ago'. Also, this group is called Softengine, which sounds like the worlds most complained-about erectile disfunction medication.
9.24pm BST
FINLAND! Making a flag out of some ice. Unimaginative.
9.24pm BST
To return the favour for showing us how to breathe, I'm going to show this woman how to come twenty-third at Eurovision.
9.23pm BST
This is a song about a woman who plays the flute and then offers to show us how to breathe. I have a number of issues with this.
First, I think she might be underestimating her audience a little. If we didnt know how to breathe then shed spend her entire life performing to blue-faced corpses. Maybe thats what she actually does. Maybe she performs exclusively in mortuaries, and seeing all these alive people in front of her has freaked her out.
9.20pm BST
SLOVENIA. Making a flag by disrupting an entire library's filing system. Inconsiderate.
9.19pm BST
Oh HELLO. This is quite good, isnt it? This is quite unexpectedly good. Eurovision usually seems like such a begrudging formality for Italy, but this is something else. I mean, it does sound a bit like a Pink song. And it's being performed by a rejected piece of concept art from a Star Wars sequel where C-3PO goes back in time and becomes Caesar. And my Italian isnt very good so I cant discount the possibility that shes actually singing about white supremacy.
But you know what? I actually like this song. A lot. Keytars and all. Well done, Italy.
9.16pm BST
Now for ITALY! She's making a flag by sniffing things too closely. Can someone buy all of Italy some nasal decongestant, please?
9.15pm BST
This is weird. By entering twins this year, Russia has basically created Tabloid Newspapers Cover The Annual A-Level Results: The Musical. I cant imagine how this will win Eurovision partly because it sounds like a Texas B-side, but mainly because Russia hasnt exactly done an awful lot to endear itself to Europe lately. Unless we all vote for them out of fear, in which case congratulations! Don't invade us please! Thanks!
9.13pm BST
Twins with interlocking hair. This isn't a contestant, Russia. It's a rat king on a seesaw.
9.12pm BST
Now for RUSSIA! Making a flag by looking at some mirrors.
9.11pm BST
In better news, we've crossed the 1000-comment barrier. Well done, everyone!
9.10pm BST
Its very hard to say, because theyre singing in French, but Im worried that TWIN TWIN might be the gallic LMFAO. Theyre singing an ironic song about ironic moustaches in an ironic way and the singer looks like Jedward. The songs catchy enough, but I worry that French branches of Primark sell TWIN TWIN-branded leopardskin onesies. And that will not do, obviously.
9.09pm BST
"When I say 'Tweet tweet', you say 'OH YEAH". Make me, you Lazytown-haired oaf.
9.08pm BST
FRANCE! Making a flag out of fixie bikes. This, truly, is the Portlandia Eurovision.
9.07pm BST
Sweden, as we all know, are usually the ones to beat at Eurovision. And that might be the case again here. Certainly this is a decent song; it builds and builds and builds and then pops all over the place. And, although I don't know who the singer is, the fact that she's been imprisoned in a cage of light like General Zod leads me to believe that she might be an interdimensional supervillain and therefore shouldn't be criticised too heavily.
But, listen, Ive got no idea how good this is. I think I'm starting to go music-deaf tonight. I just want to go somewhere dark and quiet and sob until Im clean again. But, hey, great Eurovision guys.
9.04pm BST
Now SWEDEN, making a flag by getting off with a lilo.
9.04pm BST
Also, a video package that seems a bit like it came from the unseen extras package of an official Eurovison DVD that nobody ever bought.
9.02pm BST
And now we get to hear from the hosts. What's their funny shtick this year? Giving voting information as dryly as they possibly can. OH YOU CRAZY DANES.
9.00pm BST
Germany appears to have entered an accordion and a woman who goes Haw-he-haw-he-haw for a living.
The best guess I have about this singer is that someone once told her that she looks a bit like Pink, and so she dedicated her entire life to mimicking her as closely as possible. How much does she look like Pink? So much that, if she ever met Pink, Pink would laugh at her before whispering to her assistants to injure her as discreetly as possible on her behalf.
8.57pm BST
Who's next? GERMANY. They've made a flag out of a stick of rock. Which they'll then sell at great profit. Relentless capitalists, those Germans.
8.56pm BST
I hope Belarus are cooler with Conchita now, because she's wearing a very tight skirt and I'd worry about her if they tried to chase her up some stairs.
8.55pm BST
Austria's performer Conchita Wurst is a drag act who provoked Belarus into demanding that she be removed from the contest on the basis that they might accidentally find her sexy or something.
I'm rooting for Conchita, purely because she can grow a better beard than me. This song isnt especially memorable even though to the newcomer it seems as if its being performed by Russell Brand but Im pretty sure we can start a petition to have her sing the next Bond theme.
8.53pm BST
Now AUSTRIA. Making a flag out of some dresses.
8.53pm BST
Oh, but it's OK because they're on trampolines now. If this wins, let's force our entry next year to sing on a Space Hopper.
8.52pm BST
So, in short, the Greek entry sounds like the sort of thing that you hear in deserted gyms at 11am on weekdays. Apparently this lot were discovered by Perez Hilton. And just when you couldnt feel any more sorry for the poor people of Greece, right?
8.50pm BST
Next, GREECE, who made a flag that I didn't see because my laptop hilariously decided to freeze up just now.
8.50pm BST
This, though, is BERSERK. One line is Shake what your mamma gave you. Another is We will prepare for you delicious food. Not that anyone's listening because, on the right hand side of the stage, a large-breasted lady is wearing an unsupportive bra and masturbating a broom handle. It's a stroke of genius.
Can this win? I wouldnt mind too much if this won, although I fear that The Guardian might drown under the weight of articles about how sexist it is if it did.
8.47pm BST
This is better. Poland have entered a song called We Are Slavic. I for one hope it wins, if only because itll mean that the UK will next year enter a song called We Are Too Apologetic Because We Hate Ourself, or maybe Jesus, Look At The State Of Our Teeth.
8.45pm BST
Here's POLAND. They're singing their flag. And what noise does the Polish flag make? A sort of off-kilter 'ARGH', since you asked.
8.44pm BST
Following some sort of administrative cock-up, Montenegro seems to have entered one of Irelands old songs by mistake. Its a lovely liting ballad, and itll almost definitely be bludgeoned from your memory a nanosecond after it finishes by a shrieking woman in a funny hat. In fact, I cant remember how it goes and Im listening to it now. Montenegro, we barely knew you.
On the plus side, at least we know what Montenegro's version of Christopher Maloney looks like now.
8.41pm BST
Now for MONTENEGRO. Making a flag out of a jigsaw puzzle in a ballroom while they laugh at how comparative poor everyone else is.
8.40pm BST
Arams not having a great night, though. This is an inexcusably whiny ballad, and if I heard right, he seems to think that kissing turns seeds into trees. Moral: never trust Aran Cassingles sex education classes.
Graham Norton just said that Aram MP3 is a comedian. Imagine if Jason Manford represented us next year? We'd all have to go and hide in a cave for a year until the same dissipated.
8.39pm BST
This song is being performed by a man called Aram MP3. He has a long personal history when it comes to Eurovision because his father, Aram Cassingle represented Armenia 15 years ago. You see? Because an MP3 is a modern music format, and a cassingle is an older music format. Get it? Oh, whatever. I'm wasted here.
8.38pm BST
Who's next? ARMENIA. More handcrafted hipster match.com handmade flag shenanigans. Someone's going to make a flag out of a unicycle by midnight, aren't they? Bler.
8.36pm BST
Oh, how fantastic. A boy/girl duet. And, in true Eurovision tradition, there is almost zero chemistry between them. More importantly, though, what are they singing about? Somethings a miracle, but I dont think theyve said what yet. Maybe theyre talking about how the male singer has managed to balance a thimbleful of hair on top of his head like that. That seems vaguely miraculous, doesnt it?
This performance is also notable for a man playing a piano that loops around him in a giant circle. It strikes me that if another entry had rotated the piano by just five degrees, this song would turn into a hilarious off-key Les Dawson parody of itself. But nobody did. This is why I should do Eurovision next year.
8.33pm BST
Time for ROMANIA to make a flag with some explosives next to a lake. So far, all of these videos have looked like Match.com adverts. Not a compliment, by the way.
8.32pm BST
Well, isnt this very grown up? Just a piano, that hipster from earlier, and the obligatory hipster beard. Oh, and the silent storm thats apparently inside the man. Which, to be fair, is probably gastroenteritis. But whod call a Eurovision song Gastroenteritis? Thatd be madness. The lesson to take from this? Dont call a Eurovision song Gastroenteritis.
"Ask myself what comes next" he sings. My advice would be to run out and buy some Immodium so that this never happens again.
8.30pm BST
Now it's NORWAY, who has paid a hipster to handcraft a flag out of glass and paint. He's probably going to upcycle it later. I am immediately suspicious of him.
8.29pm BST
Disregard whatever I just wrote. They just did a synchronised guitar dance and now I want them to win. I want them to win quite hard. Iceland: I cannot work out your currency for the life of me, but I like your music. A bit.
8.27pm BST
Now, I like Iceland a lot. But what on Earth is this? Its like watching The Wiggles participate in a Fall Out Boy tribute band competition. The message of this song is that we should all, like, get together and be friends. Tolerance is bliss! they yell, either because they hate racial discrimination or because theyre all latent dictators who want to impose their nightmarish whims on an unsuspecting continent. Who knows?
8.26pm BST
ICELAND now. Projecting a flag onto some snow.
8.25pm BST
"Make love not war", she says at the end. Nobody's listening dear. They've all fallen asleep.
8.24pm BST
Whats going on this year? This is a song called Start A Fire, which means it should be relatively energetic. But listen to this. Its basically just a woman sighing while someone falls asleep on a piano. Listen Azerbaijan, either make a more energetic song or give this song a more appropriate name, like Watch Paint Dry or Contemplate Going To Ikea But Ultimately Think Better Of It.
8.22pm BST
Next, AZERBAIJAN! She's constructing a flag out of neon and timelapse photography. She looks awfully chuffed about it, too. She needs to learn to be less easily pleased.
8.21pm BST
What the hell is THIS? This sounds like a nightmarish version of Mambo Number 5 thats been performed on several novelty clown horns and sung by a three-year-old with a goatee that's been drawn on in mascara. I cant possibly trust a man with a beard that precise, especially since he's paired it with an untied bowtie. If you're going to spend that long getting your beard right, the least you can do is tie your poxy bowtie.
Also this is a song about Cheesecake and now I want some cheesecake. Its a no from me.
8.18pm BST
Now BELARUS. He's making his flag with hockey pucks. That's literally all there is to say about it.
8.17pm BST
Still, even in troubled times, you can always rely on Ukraine to do something entertainingly daft at Eurovision. And thats what this is. Its a woman saying Can you hear me go tick-tock? again and again, when its obvious that we can because shes saying it through her mouth through an amplified sound system. Honestly, have a bit more faith in us.
There's also a man running in a hamster wheel behind her. It's nothing we haven't seen before though. Surely if they wanted to follow a hamster theme, they could have done something new like stuffing a man's cheeks with millet or making him hide behind a sofa until people give up looking for him and he dies. See? I should have this job.
8.14pm BST
And now the songs. First up is UKRAINE! Each song is preceded by a video where the act makes their own national flag. This woman's done it with Post-It Notes. I know Ukraine's got a lot on its mind at the moment, but a bit more imagination probably wouldn't have hurt.
8.12pm BST
The judges are all being drowned out by the crowd. Hopefully this is all just early enthusiasm on the crowd's part. They'll be catatonic twelve songs in. I know I will be.
8.11pm BST
Here we go. Finally, it's time to meet the judges. I've heard one of them vomiting. You wish you could move in the sort of glittering circles I do, don't you? It's OK, you can admit it.
8.10pm BST
It's still going. What sort of unbearable sadist BEGINS a singing contest with a recap?
8.09pm BST
For some reason, the show begins with every single contestant being introduced one by one. My guess is that the producers wanted this to be like the Olympic opening ceremony. But in truth it's like playing a 15-year-old Japanese track and field-based videogame where you can't work out how to skip cut scenes and you end up stamping on it with your foot because you can't stand the sheer relentless sincerity of it all.
8.07pm BST
Just joking. The theme of the show is 'JOIN US'. In capitals. Like a zombie would say it.
Meanwhile, a really long close-up of some scaffolding. This is BRILLIANT.
8.05pm BST
And now, a short film where a variety of Danish people travel to the Eurovision arena in a variety of different vehicles past a variety of Danish landmarks. If this Eurovision Song Contest has a theme, it's commuting. Hopefully the halftime interval will be an elongated musical number about the glories of perambulated travel.
8.03pm BST
Now, last year's winner ascends an illuminated staircase into the darkness. She really is dead, isn't she? This is morbid. Happy Eurovision! Life is futile and nobody will ever accomplish anything meaningful! Woo!
8.01pm BST
We start one year ago in Malmo. A flashback. This is just like Lost. I hope it doesn't end up with everyone dead.
8.00pm BST
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Your television belongs to Denmark now.
7.58pm BST
Get ready, Europe. The next three-and-a-half-hours are really going to be very three-and-a-half-hoursy indeed.
7.52pm BST
Seven minutes to go. If you're going to go to the toilet, go now. This is going to last for several of your Earth years.
7.43pm BST
To warm up for Eurovision, I'm watching the National Lottery quiz on BBC One for the first time ever. By doing this, I have discovered that:
1) Dale Winton has grown a beard.
7.25pm BST
But where are my manners? I havent set out the rules for a drinking game yet. I apologise. How about this drink something whenever:
* A woman yells into a wind machine.
7.11pm BST
Actually, now Im here, why not brace yourself for tonight's spanglefest by reading what happened when I interviewed Eurovision host Pilou Asbaek? (Tl;dr - he threw up everywhere). Or reading my briefing about this years competition? Or reading anything else Ive ever written, since I appear to have hijacked this entire flipping liveblog and turned it into a vehicle for my own rabid egomania? How about that? Huh? Huh?
6.59pm BST
Good evening and god aften, people of Europe! Welcome to this years Guardian Eurovision liveblog. Tonights competition comes live and direct from Copenhagen, so it only stands to reason that Ill be writing this liveblog from a tatty sofa in a block of flats quite near Catford. Its more or less the same thing. Dont break my heart. It is.
What's important is that Ill be here for you throughout tonights festivities, offering commentary on every song, every costume, every botched link, every regrettable piece of geographically-specific performance art masquerading as a halftime interval. If it happens onscreen, Ill be trying to think of something funny to say about it. And failing. And then crying. If tonight goes as well as last years competition, Ill end the evening sweating, exhausted, looking a full decade older than I actually am and teetering on the cusp of a fairly brutal emotional breakdown. Itll be fun, promise.
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