Bafetimbi Gomis’s late winner ensured that Swansea completed the double over Arsenal and put them in contention for Europa League qualification
9.57pm BST
Well, it was a fairly dire game at times, but we were treated to a rousing finish thanks to Bafetimbi Gomis’s late winner for Swansea, who are now a point behind Southampton and two behind Tottenham. Suddenly the Europa League looks like a very real possibility for Garry Monk’s side, whose final two games are at home to Manchester City and away to Crystal Palace. As for Arsenal, they only have themselves to blame. The first half was a waste and they squandered a couple of great chances in the second half, before succumbing to that sucker punch from Gomis. They are two points above Manchester United and go to Old Trafford on Sunday afternoon. There’s still some work to be done if they’re going to avoid finishing fourth again. Thanks for reading and emailing tonight. It’s been very weird and you’ve been very amusing company. Good night.
9.52pm BST
That’s it! Swansea have done the double over Arsenal!
9.51pm BST
90 min+3: A cross reaches Ramsey on the edge of the area! It’s blocked! Ozil finds Sanchez on the left of the area - and his cross is claimed by that man Fabianski!
9.50pm BST
90 min+2: Wilshere’s low cross from the left somehow sneaks into the six-yard box, via a couple of inadvertent Swansea touches, but the ball has been magnetically drawn to Fabianski tonight.
9.49pm BST
90 min+1: Sanchez isn’t in that mould. He batters one on target from 20 yards, but it’s straight at Fabianski. There will be four minutes of stoppage time.
9.48pm BST
90 min: Arsenal have too often been in walk-it-in mode. Wilshere has been really reluctant to shoot from the edge of the area. He has a chance to do so with his right foot here, but opts for another pass.
9.46pm BST
88 min: Swindon are into the League One play-off final, by the way. Meaning has been restored.
9.45pm BST
87 min: Arsenal can’t believe it. This is frankly ludicrous. Football, eh?
9.45pm BST
Bafetimbi Gomis scored the winner for Swansea against Arsenal in November and he might just have done it again - and he has goal-line technology to thank if that does turn out to be the case! This has come out of nothing. Barrow darted down the right and sent a cross into the Arsenal area. It beat everyone, but the ball reached Montero on the left, and he screamed past Bellerin and chipped a cross into the middle. Gomis rose highest and headed it towards the bottom-right corner. Opsina clawed it out and Arsenal thought they had been saved - but Kevin Friend’s watch was buzzing! The ball was over the line and Swansea lead!
9.42pm BST
84 min: With no Giroud on the pitch, crosses into the box may not represent Arsenal’s best route to goal. “Albert Camus’ L’Étranger, being somewhat apt for this conversation of mixing philosophy and football, might be pertinent to Giroud being a stranger to scoring goals of late, but if you take the translation to be ‘The Outsider’ then Theo Walcott springs to mind,” says Mark Judd.
9.40pm BST
82 min: Sanchez dribbles and dribbles and dribbles and then he shoots, but it’s blocked behind for a corner. More frustration. “If Christopher Rendle finds the many meanings of “goal” strange, he’ll find a cricket “wicket” positively baffling,” says Joe Johnson.
9.38pm BST
80 min: In tonight’s extremely tedious play-off semi-final, it’s, er, Swindon 5-5 Sheffield United. Swindon lead 7-6 on aggregate and there are seven minutes of stoppage time. Meanwhile Modou Barrow has replaced Nathan Dyer for Swansea.
9.37pm BST
79 min: Now Cazorla bounces a shot goalwards; Fabianski saves again! He’s been excellent.
9.37pm BST
78 min: Fabianski makes a brilliant double save! Although Sanchez and Walcott both should have scored. Ramsey swept a pass into the area and Sanchez burst past his man and saw his shot from eight yards pushed out by Fabianski. The rebound falls to Walcott and he has the whole goal to aim at, only to shoot to close to Fabianski!
9.35pm BST
77 min: Ramsey, off balance and falling as he unleashes from 25 yards, sees his effort saved by Fabianski. “Still in the bar at the Emirates,” says Alys Barber-Rogers. “Still not done the right thing and sodded off to the pub. I’m not just emailing because I’m certain you want an update. Also emailing to say that the “Arsene Wenger’s red and white army” has been ruined for me now.”
9.34pm BST
76 min: I can’t remember the last time Swansea were in Arsenal’s half. “A strong defensive performance like this at home in a meaningless end of season match against a mid table side will give all Arsenal fans hope that Arsene is right when he says that they can mount a serious challenge for the league next year,” says Simon McMahon. “And I’ve learned that human flesh tastes like pork. So it’s not been hopeless after all.”
9.33pm BST
75 min: “Isn’t it strange that a goal is the ball crossing the line but also a goal is the net, posts and crossbar?” says Christopher Rendle.
I am genuinely fascinated to see what you ask me next.
9.32pm BST
74 min: Swansea are bringing on a striker. Bafetimbi Gomis replaces Ki, who walks off very, very, very, very, very slowly. I started writing this entry in the 73rd minute, which should tell you how long Ki took to leave us. Once that’s done, we can get back to the main business of Cazorla fluffing a free-kick. It was definitely worth the wait. Moments later, Sanchez dissects the Swansea defence with a glorious slide-rule pass to Monreal. Under pressure from a Swansea defender, his shot is turned behind by Fabianski, who then claims Cazorla’s corner.
9.30pm BST
72 min: Bellerin makes it to the byline and squeezes a cross into the six-yard box. Walcott toes it goalwards, but he can’t beat the faultless Fabianski. “The circularity and ennui of life is defined by Theo Walcott coming on as a sub in the 68th minute,” says Joseph Owen. Joke’s on you, mate, it was the 69th minute.
9.29pm BST
71 min: Cazorla rasps one through the bodies from 25 yards. Williams sticks out a leg and deflects it wide. Sanchez’s corner fails to beat the first man. “I think an arm would be a bit sinewy and flavourless,” says Matt Dony. “It would need to be well salted when it was cooked, and probably marinated before hand. I’d go for a barbecue seasoning.”
9.27pm BST
69 min: Theo Walcott replaces Olivier Giroud, who has now gone five games without a goal.
9.24pm BST
67 min: Arsenal are throwing caution to the wind. Arsene Wenger decides there’s no need for a holding midfielder, so Jack Wilshere replaces Francis Coquelin.
9.24pm BST
66 min: Do you think it’s possible to type while asleep? “Perhaps Premier League clubs will fill seats by marketing blocks of tickets for end-of-season games like this to Philosophy Departments worldwide,” says Justin Kavanagh. “They could take students to study the existential meaningless of life, condensed into 90 minutes (in shorts), in the library-like quiet of the Emirates. Maybe bill it Waiting for Giroud: An existentialist exploration of futility in two acts ?”
9.22pm BST
64 min: A goal is on the way. Swansea are struggling to clear their lines. A half-clearances falls to Cazorla on the edge of the area. Sigurdsson almost brings him down. Not quite. Cazorla stays on his feet and shoots. Fabianski parries and then gathers the ball at the second attempt. “At 41 minutes, you asked how you would cook and serve up an arm to Arsene Wenger,” says Raymond Reardon. “The most appropriate method would be a 10 year slow roast.”
9.20pm BST
63 min: “A suggestion to make this game more fun,” says Patrick Kelly. “Swap the ball. For a beachball.” I reckon that’s what the players are visualising anyway.
9.19pm BST
61 min: Arsenal are getting closer. They race forward at quite the pelt and Ramsey is sent clear down the right. He twists one way, then the other, and finally batters a shot into the side-netting. Half the stadium thought it was in. “Apparently human flesh tastes a bit like pork (don’t ask how I know), so the bacon would seem a bit superfluous,” says Robin Hazlehurst. “Loads of melted cheese would probably suit it nicely though and maybe some onion relish.”
Yeah, apparently. Someone call the police.
9.18pm BST
60 min: Angel Rangel is replaced by Jazz Richards. If there’s one thing to be said for Swansea, it’s that their right-backs have excellent names. I wonder if it’s something their scouts look out for.
9.17pm BST
59 min: What this game could hinge on is a moment of Shelvyan nonsense. Something like this. He loses the ball meekly on the edge of his own area and Giroud has a snapshot from 15 yards. Fabianski makes a solid save.
9.16pm BST
58 min: Angel Rangel is hobbling. He appears to have hurt his groin. “Despite the meaninglessness of this game, it is currently the most popular article on The Guardian website,” says Kari Tulinius. “More popular than a historical overview of nakedness at Cannes, two articles about David Miliband, and an article about a Paul Pogba transfer rumour. Okay, so maybe today is just an especially meaningless day.”
9.14pm BST
56 min: It’s Swindon 4-3 Sheffield United! Swindon lead 6-4 on aggregate. Life is about choices.
9.12pm BST
55 min: Arsenal are playing with more urgency. The volume is rising. Things are happening! Shelvey centres from the left and Ospina has to plunge at Ki’s feet to deny him a certain goal. “Hi Jacob, struggling to choose between this game and a procedural law assignment - so further into philosophy it is!” says Ben Rule. “Perhaps we should not be looking at this game for what it is (that speech before dinner that we all have to sit through and smile at the speaker’s attempts at humour), but what it is not (a traffic jam of buses) - borrowing from Sartre’s experience of Pierre not being in the café.”
9.12pm BST
53 min: Giroud improvises brilliantly and attempts to flick a long ball through to Sanchez. The ball rattles off Fernandez’s shins and runs through to Sanchez, who overpowers the Swansea defender with a great show of barrel-chested strength, but he shoots into the side-netting from a tight angle on the right.
9.09pm BST
51 min: Arsenal inject some pace into their game for the first time in the second half. Bellerin throws off the shackles and breaks down the right, his cross towards Giroud shovelled behind by Fernandez. Swansea clear the corner.
9.08pm BST
50 min: Montero finds Ki on the edge of the area. He could shoot first-time, but decides that would be too interesting. Instead he takes a touch or 300 before shooting and sees his tame effort deflected wide for Swansea’s first corner, from which nothing occurs.
9.07pm BST
49 min: I remain hopeful. “No need for a baguette,” says Jon Gutoff. “You’d want to filet the arm first. But wrapping in bacon couldn’t hurt -- no need to worry about Halal or Kashrut as the arm would fail either standard even without the bacon.”
Another interesting suggestion there. Perhaps we could format this into some kind of Saturday tea-time gameshow on BBC1?
9.05pm BST
47 min: “I think you might be right about this being the worst Premier League season ever,” says Declan Kelly. “I’m really struggling to remember any good games. The Tottenham-Chelsea game comes to mind, but even it pales in comparison to, say, the Man City-Liverpool game of last season. The best game (or set of games) I can remember this season actually came from the Capital One cup: the semi-finals between Chelsea and Liverpool. That said, I was watching them in oppressive Venezuelan heat and cannot be sure that my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. Can anyone confirm that those games were actually good?”
They were, but this has not been a classic season. Has the World Cup taken a toll on the players?
9.03pm BST
46 min: The second half begins. Think positive! It can only get better! “This game has a distinctly last-week-of-term feel to it,” says James Lane. “You know, those weeks where the teachers (or journalists doing MBMs) try their best to subtly discourage their students from showing up. Hell, I’m an Arsenal fan and even I am wondering which eye I should insert the fork into. It’s quite late in Delhi; did I really stay up for this? Do I never learn?”
9.01pm BST
“At the risk of flushing this MBM into a sewer of negativity, 2012/13 must’ve been as bad as this one?” says Richard Sillett. “Chelsea and Man City in a funk, 2013/14’s Man Utd squad winning the league by 11 points. Bleh.”
At least the top-four race went to the last day. Remember when Alan Sugar thought that Newcastle had equalised against Arsenal. I was so alive. I was more alive than Ryan Adams’ greatest hit.
8.59pm BST
“With that 10 minutes of paint drying in mind, I was curious if
this video expresses how you feel,” asks Adrian Doerr.
8.58pm BST
“With all due respect I think you’re doing it wrong,” says JR in Illinois. “Instead of focusing on the meaninglessness of this game I think you should be open to every possible instance of humour and entertainment.Take Ozil’s free kick in the 12th minute. I don’t think you did that justice.
“I think that was both one of the worst free kicks of the season and also one of the funnier moments. The only worse free kick I have seen was by Brentford against Ipswich a couple months ago.
8.48pm BST
8.47pm BST
45 min+2: Montero emerges from a Ramsey-Bellerin sandwich with the ball and skips forward, only to drive a shot wide of the near post from 20 yards.
8.46pm BST
45 min: There will be two minutes of stoppage time. As for the arm gastronomy question, Alex Gregory, a troubled mind, writes: “Wrapped in bacon, in a baguette. Because an arm would fit in a baguette.
8.45pm BST
44 min: Sigurdsson collapses after having his reel rapped by Koscielny. He’s soon on his feet again. “At the end of the stay it’s best to steer clear of Kant,” says Ian Copestake. “He was a bitter man driven to achieve by the scorn he thought was being poured upon him whenever Germans pronounced his surname.”
8.42pm BST
42 min: Giroud receives the ball 25 yards from the Swansea goal and tries a curler into the top corner. Close, but not close enough. “I’m at the Emirates,” says Alys Barber-Rogers. “Having succumbed to stupid vertigo, I’m in the bar watching on the TV. I have not made the sensible decision ( clearly, get thee to a pub). Why am I doing this? All answers/advice gratefully received.”
8.41pm BST
41 min: “Anyone foolish enough to offer GBP 18 million for Giroud deserves to have their extended arm chewed off by M Wenger,” says Lou Roper.
If you had to serve an arm to Arsene Wenger, how would you cook it?
8.40pm BST
40 min: Bellerin. Ramsey. Cazorla. Quick. Too quick for Swansea. Suddenly they’re prised open by the sharp Arsenal passing. But not for long - Cazorla turns and shoots, but Williams denies him with a sturdy block.
8.38pm BST
38 min: Ki plays a hospital pass to Shelvey and the consequence is a lunge on Sanchez that earns him a booking. “While Kant’s reading of the game is certainly valid, I prefer the interpretation of another German philosopher, the great Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche. According to Nietzsche, this game is irrelevant because for all of the pretty football on show today, it is nothing but a precursor to when Nike FCs team of Uebernenschen (not to be confused with the Nazi inversion of the term) inevitably thrash Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea 8-0 on May 11th, 2070 to secure their 17th consecutive title,” says Daniel Schulwolf.
8.37pm BST
37 min: In all seriousness, this might be the worst Premier League season ever.
8.36pm BST
36 min: “Just so you know, the playoff game between Swindon and Sheffield Utd is turning into an absolute cracker,” says Jim Denvir. You can find out the score here.
8.35pm BST
35 min: Shall we just forget this season ever happened? Back in December, some idiot wrote that we should relish the unpredictability.
8.34pm BST
34 min: ... Giroud concedes a free-kick, penalised for wrestling with Ashley Williams. “RE: your existential crisis and you’re questioning of what it all means - I’m one point clear at the top of my fantasy league and have 4 players in the game today, so this game means a hell of a lot to me actually,” says Dylan Page. “I’ll take goals for Sanchez, Giroud, Monreal and Sigurdsson, thanks!”
Well!
8.33pm BST
33 min: A bit more urgency in the player and you’d fancy Arsenal to run away with this, but there’s something missing at the moment. Here’s a man who might provide the spark: Alexis Sanchez. He darts behind the Swansea defence on the right and although he’s surrounded by two defenders, his persistence wins Arsenal a corner. From which...
8.31pm BST
31 min: Nothing is happening. “The best cure for existential angst is unproductive conflict,” says Hugh Collins. “As such, I throw open this debate to the MBMers: this house believes that if Arsenal were offered 18 million quid for Giroud, they should sell.”
8.28pm BST
28 min: Now Swansea have a free-kick on the left, Bellerin adjudged to have brought Montero down from behind. “The only drawback I can see to Kant’s thesis is his association of pointlessness with football, which as is well known in philosophical circles was a consequence of his being a QPR supporter,” says Ian Copestake.
8.28pm BST
27 min: Cazorla curls the free-kick into the area. Taylor has a tug of Sanchez’s arm and the Chilean goes down and looks imploringly at Kevin Friend, who’s not interested. “I very much like the invocation of Immanuel Kant made by Richard Hooker--even if he is probably not the author of _The Laws of the Ecclesiastical Polity_ (1600)--in reference to this match,” says Lou Roper. “Except I’m not sure about the ‘object’s rightness of design, which satisfies our imagination and intellect’ if the ‘object’ in question is the ‘Most Exciting League in the World’ (TM R Scudamore) rather than footy.”
8.26pm BST
26 min: Fernandez gives Giroud a jabbed knee in his lower back. Giroud is down again. He appears to be in considerable pain, but I suspect he’ll live. Arsenal have a free-kick on the left.
8.25pm BST
25 min: What are we doing this for?
8.24pm BST
24 min: What does it all mean?
8.22pm BST
22 min: From just inside Arsenal’s half, Ozil lets the ball run across his body and then sweeps a glorious first-time pass down the inside-left channel to Giroud. But he’s offside, so that’s the end of that. “Two wins from four in the run-in assure Arsenal that it will be Man United who enjoy a late-August tie with the Turkish runners-up, or suchlike, in a Champions League qualifier,” says Dean Potter. “Added incentive: losing that qualifier puts one into the Europa League.”
8.20pm BST
19 min: Arsenal make a mess of the resulting throw-in and Shelvey steps in to win the ball. He diddles inside, carves out a yard of space and shoots from 18 yards. His shot is blocked, the ball spooning up into the air. Eventually Ospina gathers it. He immediately chucks the ball out, but Arsenal aren’t switched on in the middle and Rangel steps in with a block tackle that turns into an inadvertent shot, the ball flying over the bar. If it had been on target, Opsina might have been in trouble. That came back at him sharply.
8.19pm BST
18 min: Shelvey whips a cross into the Arsenal area. One problem: he mistook Jefferson Montero for a 20-foot giant.
8.17pm BST
17 min: Swansea’s shape is good. Arsenal will have to be patient with their attempts to break them down. There’s not a lot of space in the final third.
8.15pm BST
15 min: Burnley really didn’t have to beat Hull on Saturday, did they. There was no need. They’ve totally ruined the end of the season. Well done. Hope they’re happy.
8.15pm BST
14 min: The atmosphere inside the Emirates is decidedly low-key. Don’t these people know that this match, brought to you by the Best League In The World, is perhaps the best match that has ever taken place on 11 May 2015? Fools.
8.13pm BST
13 min: Giroud and Williams have both returned. “The description of your dilemma with regard to your preparations for this game put me in mind of Kant’s aesthetics and, more specifically, his Critique of Judgement,” says Richard Hooker. “There’s a famous bit where he goes on about “purposiveness without purpose” as an essential characteristic of aesthetically pleasing objects: “we respond to the object’s rightness of design, which satisfies our imagination and intellect, even though we are not evaluating the object’s purpose”. So from a footballing point of view, a meaningless game in which nothing is at stake is the only game that stands a chance of being beautiful in Kant’s terms.”
8.12pm BST
12 min: With Giroud and Williams both off the pitch, Mesut Ozil steps up to take the free-kick. He curls it straight into Per Mertesacker’s face. They’ll probably want to work on that one on the training ground.
8.11pm BST
10 min: Giroud is just too sharp for Williams outside the area and skips around the Swansea captain, who brings him down. Free-kick to Arsenal - and to compound the issue for Swansea, Williams appears to have injured his knee while making the tackle. He’ll need some treatment.
8.10pm BST
9 min: Williams rakes a searching pass over the top of the Arsenal defence, seeking out the run of Dyer, and the ball beats Mertesacker, forcing Opsina to head clear.
8.09pm BST
8 min: Perhaps aware that yesterday was the 20-year anniversary of Nayim’s lob against Arsenal, Jonjo Shelvey tries to score from 50 yards out, spotting Opsina dawdling off his line. The ball sails a few yards over the bar.
8.08pm BST
7 min: A patient move down the right from Swansea leads to Angel Rangel testing Ospina at his near post. He cut inside, on to his left, and skimmed a shot along the slick Emirates turf, but Ospina was alert to the danger. Meanwhile Justin Dinkha thinks that Giroud must use Beurre d’Isigny in his hair. “Only PDO quality would do,” Justin claims. You sound like you know a thing or two about this.
8.06pm BST
5 min: Swansea counter and Montero, who destroyed Calum Chambers when Arsenal lost at the Liberty Stadium in November, threatens to break free down the left. He’s robbed by the covering Aaron Ramsey, though.
8.05pm BST
3 min: An early chance for Arsenal. Hector Bellerin, one of the surprise success stories of the season, raids down the right and knocks a pass inside to Ramsey, who hooks a cross into the middle, where Giroud twists those neck muscles and sends an arcing header just over the bar. Fabianksi was worried.
8.03pm BST
2 min: Gylfi Sigurdsson is up the furthest forward for Swansea. Shelvey is just behind him. And he’s just brought Sanchez down with a hefty tackle, which leads to a reprimand from Kevin Friend. “With all due respect to all aforementioned managers (OK, except Mourinho...and Carver), Alan Pardew should be the winner,” says Admir Pajic. “How many managers have managed to save TWO* clubs from relegation in the same league and in the same season?
8.01pm BST
And we’re off! Arsenal get the ball rolling. They’re kicking from left to right in the first half. The Emirates is not full yet. The atmosphere is not bubbling. It’s as if everyone present has realised the inherent pointlessness being played out in front of them! “But confronting meaninglessness is never in itself meaningless. There is a value of necessity in that confrontation. And failing that there is always Giroud’s hair.” I wonder what he uses in it. Hair butter? The finest butter for ensuring that your buttery hair stays soft and buttery, like butter! Butter your hair with butter every day for that buttery butter feel!
7.56pm BST
The teams are out! It’s a pleasant, sunny evening in north London. Lukasz Fabianski, former Arsenal goalkeeper and now at Swansea, is slapping hands with his old team-mates. He’ll be hoping for a good game tonight.
7.12pm BST
There are no surprises from Arsenal, but Swansea have raised a few eyebrows with their line-up. With Nelson Oliveira injured and Bafetimbi Gomis on the bench after recovering from a hamstring injury, there is no recognised striker in the Swansea team, Garry Monk opting for an Allardyician 4-6-0 formation. It is not clear who, if anyone, will be up front, though my guess is that it is either Jonjo Shelvey or Gylfi Sigurdsson.
7.09pm BST
Arsenal: Ospina; Bellerin, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Monreal; Coquelin, Cazorla; Ramsey, Ozil, Sanchez; Giroud. Subs: Szczesny, Gibbs, Gabriel, Flamini, Wilshere, Rosicky, Walcott.
Swansea: Fabianski; Rangel, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor; Montero, Ki, Shelvey, Cork, Sigurdsson, Dyer. Subs: Tremmel, Richards, Britton, Grimes, Barrow, Emnes, Gomis.
7.00pm BST
Hello. You might have a hard time believing this, but this match stopped me from going to sleep last night. That sounds weird, doesn’t it? I soon nodded off, but it’s true, I was having a footballing existential crisis. What to say about this match? What to write? Is there anything to write about this match? What does it all mean? Is this match meaningless? Does it matter?
Maybe not. Maybe there is no meaning. Maybe it doesn’t matter. And maybe that doesn’t matter. So what if the prospect of the analysis from Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher on Sky is a more enticing prospect than the match. We’re still going to watch some football. Not everything has to mean something.
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