There’s a scene early on in the television drama Deutschland 83 where a young East German soldier, recruited by the Stasi to infiltrate West German military, finds himself in a supermarket on the other side of the Berlin Wall. A stupefied look envelops his face as he takes in the sheer range of food on offer. Row after row of western brands leave him blinking in disbelief. It’s as though a monkey playing a ukulele has ridden past on a motorcycle.
From the Iron Curtain to the Iron Tulip, there was a similar level of astonishment being expressed in the away end at St. James’ Park on Tuesday night. Louis van Gaal didn’t quite take a sledgehammer to a self-imposed wall of conservatism, but he at least appeared to encourage his players to clamber over it.
Never before have two dropped points at a side ensconced in the relegation zone been greeted with such giddy excitement by Manchester United supporters. Sterile possession on a loop for a season and a half will do that.
Each forward pass was devoured with a headiness one might consume a Mars Bar after being deprived of the sweet sensation for over 25 years. Totalitarian talk of processes and philosophies stayed in the dressing room.
By starting both Anthony Martial and Jesse Lingard in wide positions, United finally had an injection of pace. With runners willing to get beyond Wayne Rooney, he no longer resembled Tom Hanks in Castaway with only Wilson for company. That's Wilson the volleyball, not James on-loan at Brighton.
At no point was it possible to nip the dog out for a walk at the start of a United move and be back in front of the TV before the ball had crossed the halfway line. I once knocked up a coq au vin while Bastian Schweinsteiger and Morgan Schneiderlin exchanged passes on the edge of their own box. Instead United cocked a snook at the party line in playing with a freedom of thought and movement that proved dynamic going forward, and disastrous at the back.
No one was bored, not even Paul Scholes.
"Loads better," he told BT Sport, via the Guardian. "To go and watch Manchester United, whether it’s home or away, is entertainment, it’s goals—whether you concede goals or whether you can score goals."
Paul Dummett’s late equaliser for Newcastle United had Van Gaal grumbling post-match. Everyone else was too busy toasting a return to the buccaneering principles of yesteryear to care. Not even United fans seemed that bothered by the fact a 3-3 draw means they have now won just one of their last eight Premier League matches.
"We have given it away," the Dutchman lamented in the Guardian. "I have told that to my players."
In fairness, to quantify Van Gaal’s ire, to concede three goals to a side that last scored on Boxing Day is carelessness on a par with setting off with the baby seat on the car roof.
No wonder he was so touchy in his post-match press conference. When you have overseen the run he has though, it's a bold call to go to war with the Sun newspaper. If nothing else, he'll receive a warm reception from Liverpool supporters on Sunday.
Rooney echoed his manager’s frustrations when he described it as feeling like a defeat, per the Daily Express. If it’s any consolation, Wayne, there were few United supporters that sat through the Sheffield United game without dissecting their very existence and even fewer that didn’t express a view that a 1-0 win felt more like slow death than a victory.
When Rooney got home, soaking in the bath with a glass of red, it’s hard to believe that a clever assist and two goals—one of which was the type of gorgeous effort many believed he was no longer capable of—left him too despondent. Even Mother Teresa administered herself a private pat on the back when she thumped one in from the edge of the box.
On Sunday against Liverpool he will be looking to score in four successive matches for Manchester United for the first time since March 2012.
The Premier League’s bitterest derby is perfectly set, with Liverpool bidding to end a run of four consecutive defeats against their north-west neighbours.
Liverpool vs. Manchester United, Sunday at 2.05 p.m. GMT
The quarter-of-a-billion dollar question ahead of a trip to Anfield is whether a six-goal thriller will awaken a sense of adventure that once made Van Gaal one of the continent’s most exciting coaches, or on the contrary see him retreat into his shell, taking his team with him. Quite why it seems to be a case of either/or for United—attack or defend—remains a mystery.
Given that David Moyes had accrued three more points than United currently have at this stage of the season (Moyes had 37 from 21 games, Van Gaal has 34), it won't be lost on Van Gaal that points take precedence over performances.
The Times’ northern correspondent James Ducker described Sunday’s trip to Anfield as being “the biggest game of his (Van Gaal’s) tenure,” with the club’s board reportedly ready to act decisively if United lose pace with the top four.
It seems unlikely then that the Dutchman will take the kitchen sink to Anfield. As a gambling man, he is the type of punter that backs every horse that has a full complement of hooves.
It’s a shame. For all his protestations to the contrary, it looked as though Van Gaal was enjoying himself at Newcastle. He even went as far as to stand up, to issue orders at the edge of his technical area.
Just imagine the joy he'd give the nation if he did a full-on Jurgen Klopp in the snow on Sunday, and slipped.
The temptation at Anfield will be to recall Juan Mata, who proved the match-winner in last season’s corresponding fixture with two superb finishes in a 2-1 victory. The Spaniard can also casually slip into conversation with his manager that he boasts three goals and four assists in his last six matches against Liverpool.
Recalling the out-of-sorts Spaniard at No. 10 would likely see Ander Herrera miss out though, thus denying United a driving presence from deep that has been an Achilles heel in a pedestrian side all season.
Mata is a lovely player to watch, but in terms of driving a team forward, he makes Miss Daisy look like Ayrton Senna.
Van Gaal’s record in M62 battles is impeccable. In three matches against Liverpool, he has taken nine points, with United having won six of their last eight Premier League matches against their Merseyside rivals.
He might want to extend it to four wins from four matches if he wants to see out the week, let alone the season at Manchester United.
Aston Villa vs. Leicester City, Saturday at 5.30 p.m. GMT
"I laugh," replied Leicester City boss Claudio Ranieri, per the Guardian, when asked how he responded to talk of his side winning the Premier League.
"It’s January. What a pity! If it was May, maybe. We must continue to work hard, to keep our feet on the ground. It is a crazy, crazy league this year and we must continue."
After Leicester took two points from three games over the festive period, a little equilibrium looked to have been restored. Pundits and journalists remained polite as they remembered to jocularly add "not forgetting Leicester" at the end of every discussion on the title race, but there was a foreboding sense that stuttering forward play would culminate in if not a plummet, certainly a slow descent down the mountain face.
When will we all learn? A 1-0 win at Tottenham Hotspur in midweek bettered draws for Arsenal and Manchester City to put Leicester back to joint-top. Much has been made of the fact Leicester have managed just one goal in their last four league games, but this is offset by the fact they have conceded the same number over the same period.
With Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez both failing to make decisive contributions of late, through a mixture of fatigue and injuries, the likes of Wes Morgan and Robert Huth, and Danny Drinkwater and N'Golo Kante have come to the fore to ensure Leicester have an alternative way to win points other than the gung-ho approach that has so captivated to date.
Wednesday's clean sheet was just the fourth of the season for the Foxes, but it was a third in as many Premier League matches. The pizza bill must be through the roof.
Ranieri has played the clown to a tee all season, yet beneath the half-moon smile beats the heart of a proud Italian. He will have been desperate to improve a defensive record that has seen his side concede more goals than all but one of the clubs in the top half.
With Stoke City, Liverpool, Manchester City and Arsenal to follow, Saturday's trip to Aston Villa is a must-win game for Leicester.
Remi Garde's first victory as Villa manager at the 11th attempt, courtesy of a clanger on the part of Crystal Palace goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey on Tuesday, gives the beleaguered one-time European champions the faintest whiff of hope of staving off the drop.
Invariably, though, it's the hope that kills you. Given Villa are still eight points shy of safety, it will take a monumental effort to record consecutive victories for the first time since May and derail Leicester's unlikely, but very real, title tilt in the process.
Stoke City vs. Arsenal, Sunday at 4.15 p.m. GMT
Few fixtures agitate Arsene Wenger more than an away day at Stoke. A trip to the Britannia Stadium is up there with attending a dinner to celebrate Jose Mourinho's achievements as a manager, or root-canal surgery, as an occasion the Frenchman looks forward to.
Last season's 3-2 defeat in the corresponding fixture saw Wenger heckled by his own supporters as he waited to board a train back to London. Stoke are undefeated in their last five home matches against Arsenal in all competitions. When allied to the fact they have won four of their last five games at the Britannia, it becomes clear Sunday's clash is a genuine test of Arsenal's title credentials.
The current Barcelona-lite incarnation that Mark Hughes has moulded so adroitly is nothing like the muscular and monolithic Stoke sides of his predecessor, though. Even Wenger must concede his admiration for the metamorphosis overseen by a manager he has not always seen eye-to-eye with.
Stoke go into the game having won three of their last four matches, a run that sees them handily placed in seventh, just four points off the Champions League places.
A hamstring injury to Xherdan Shaqiri prevents the Swiss schemer continuing a blossoming partnership Bojan Krkic and Marko Arnautovic, but conversely his absence could prove a blessing in disguise for the home side on Sunday.
As Liverpool's last-gasp equaliser showed in midweek, Arsenal are still susceptible at the back when the ball is lobbed into the box, and it is a familiar fragility that would more likely be exposed again at the weekend if Stoke elected to use a traditional centre-forward to spearhead their attack.
For all Shaqiri's talent, Jonathan Walters or Peter Crouch's name on the Stoke teamsheet would likely cause more consternation in the Arsenal dressing room.
Tottenham vs. Sunderland, Saturday at 12.45 p.m. GMT