If the classic Christmas specials of the 1960s and '70s taught us anything, it's that Santa Claus is a total jerk.
In Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the parochial, reactionary symbol of goodwill and charity known as "Santa" comes across like Oliver Stone's version of Richard Nixon.
In The Year Without a Santa Claus, jolly old Saint Nicholas plans to take the one night of the year off he cannot possibly take off—think Tom Coughlin calling in sick for a Super Bowl—and sends his wife to tangle with heavily-armed warring elemental factions while he mopes around a small town.
Santa is only remotely likeable in Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, where he plays a wanted breaking-and-entering expert who lives on the fringes of society and subjects children to increasing persecution by forcing his "toy-giving" agenda into their homes whether they want it or not.
In other words, Santa does not care if Eagles fans have not seen an NFL championship since the invention of the color television. He does not care how frustrated Bills, Chiefs and Bengals fans have become, or how hard the Chargers are trying. Santa's gonna do what Santa good and pleases, and if you don't conform to the rules, there's an Island of Misfit Toys you can be exiled to indefinitely.
Come to think of it, Santa is starting to sound more and more like Roger Goodell.
Santa is at his absolute worst in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, a second-tier Rankin-Bass special from 1974. A bookish little mouse with a subscription to Skeptical Inquirer writes an op-ed denying the existence of Santa (signed "All of Us," as even Christmas-special mice from the '70s knew the awesome power of published anonymity), and Santa decides to punish the whole town by passing them over on Christmas.
That will use your critical thinking skills to analyze an extraordinary claim, you mousy little punk. George Gobel's mouse family and Joel Grey's human counterparts are pushed to the brink of starvation as their effort to appease the vindictive withholder of childhood hope makes them outcasts in an almost literally godforsaken town. Standard holiday fare for the kiddies, in other words.
Luckily, the little skeptic mouse rejects scientific inquiry, and Grey saves the day with the help of the Rankin-Bass secret weapon: a showtune 20 times more memorable than the budget-friendly animation around it. "Even a Miracle Needs a Hand," by Jules Bass and Maury Laws, is such a perfect holiday gem that when the South Park creators borrowed it for their show, they did not change a word and scaled down the naughty humor (somewhat) to preserve the musical chestnut's dignity.
"Even a Miracle Needs a Hand" is a call to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get to work. It's a delightful Christmas message about mixing faith with a healthy serving of practicality, and it makes for a fun playoff-race message as well. Lots of teams need miracles to reach the playoffs this year, but those miracles need plenty of assistance: careful planning, hard work and perhaps some help from the schedule.
Let's enjoy Bass' lyrics together and determine which teams needed which helping hands to perform their own miracles during Sunday's action. Yes, I do this routine every two years or so. It's not repetition. It's a holiday classic!
Miracles happen most ev'ry day
To people like you and me,
But don't expect a miracle
Unless you help make it to be, so...
You hope and I'll hurry
Every strategy has its drawbacks. One of the drawbacks of Chip Kelly's nonstop hurry-up offense is that the Eagles run the risk of getting 13 possessions yet only holding onto the ball for 18 minutes and four seconds. That's exactly what happened in the Seahawks' 24-14 win.
Possessions reached 3rd-and-long on the first blink and became punts before the second. The team's defense barely had time to listen to one Ramones song before it was back on the field chasing Russell Wilson and slamming into Marshawn Lynch.
The Eagles did not retain the ball for three full minutes on any drive until their final possession of the game. The Seahawks offense, which survived mostly on Wilson magic in the first half, was much more effective when the Eagles, who prefer to tire out their opponents, were the ones sucking wind.
You pray and I'll plan
Bengals fans may have said a few prayers when Andy Dalton got hammered by Stephon Tuitt late in the Bengals' 42-21 loss to the Steelers. Jason Campbell, who looks more and more like a vintage G.I. Joe action figure every year (it's the sculpted moustache), entered the game and did what he does best. He completed a one-yard pass on 3rd-and-8, finally fumbling at the end of one drive that served no real purpose anyway (the two-minute offense is not designed to score three touchdowns).
Luckily for the Bengals, and for anyone enjoying the tight and competitive AFC North race, Around The NFL tweeted this: "Andy Dalton on late-game injury: 'I'm good.' Said he was just trying to catch his breath after taking a shot to the stomach."
As for plans, Todd Haley's Steelers game plan was brilliant; we will get to it in a moment. Mike Pettine's great defensive game plan was not good enough to overcome the sheer number of chances the Browns gave the Colts. Andrew Luck spent most of the afternoon getting chased by a blindside blitzer while looking downfield at blanketed receivers. However, Cleveland's offense played the second half like it was getting paid by the three-and-out.
Let's single out two more great game plans, and one terrible one, in our quest for miracle assistance:
Cowboys
Run directly at the Bears, over and over again, until they quit midway through the second quarter. Make sure Zack Martin doesn't accidentally shove a defensive lineman into Lake Michigan and suffer hypothermia.
Panthers
Yeah, they are still in the playoff chase. The Panthers stopped pretending they are a real team and just told Cam Newton to run a bunch of options, mixing in a pass every now and then.
Newton threw for 226 yards and rushed for 83, producing four touchdowns and sneaking for three short-yardage conversions. The Panthers hammered the Saints 41-10. No word yet of the NCAA's plans to expand its playoffs to five college teams and the NFC South winner. (I would totally watch Falcons-Baylor.)
Dolphins
Ravens defensive tackle and ace run-stuffer Haloti Ngata is suspended. Lamar Miller ran for 15 yards on his first carry and nine more on a short screen. The Dolphins rushed five times on their opening field-goal drive. They rushed eight more times in the entire first half.
They then rushed three times in the entire second half, even though they led 10-7 to start the third quarter and were never down by more than one score until late in the game. It was as if Joe Philbin got mixed up and kept looking at the Giants-Titans score and thought he needed to catch up.
The Dolphins grew more offensively imbalanced until the Ravens' pass rush could take over; meanwhile, Baltimore shook off one of its early-game slumps and started pounding the ball at Miami the way the Dolphins should have been doing. The Ravens won 28-13, and Philbin may have just coached his team out of the playoffs.
We'll do what's necessary, 'cause even a miracle needs a hand
Wilson did "what's necessary" and more Sunday. The latest version of his weekly high-wire act featured two passing touchdowns, a 26-yard rushing score and enough playground highlights to give Philly fans a case of the Randall Cunningham Flashbacks.
Wilson was at his most dangerous during a pre-halftime two-minute drill where he appeared to be playing two-versus-11. The Eagles' pass rush got heavy pressure on Wilson on nearly every play. He took a sack, but he also completed 3rd-and-13 and 3rd-and-15 passes at the end of madcap scrambles.
Twice, he escaped a squadron of Eagles defenders to throw the ball out of bounds, turning potential disasters into clock-stopping chances to try something else. A final nine-yard pass to Doug Baldwin along the sideline with 11 seconds left turned a tough field goal into a much easier one, and Seattle went to half with a 10-7 lead against an opposing defense that already felt like it had played a full game.
A Seahawks title repeat looked like it would take a miracle a few weeks ago. Wilson's ability to do whatever it takes to compensate for a bad line and ordinary receivers is making it look much more likely.
You love and I'll labor
No one labored harder than Le'Veon Bell on Sunday, except perhaps for Steelers guard David DeCastro and tight end Heath Miller. Bell rushed for 185 yards and added 50 receiving yards, totaling three touchdowns. A huge percentage of the rushing yardage came on variations of a single play.
Haley called the same counter over and over again, with DeCastro pulling across the formation to join Miller in blocking on the left side while other linemen slanted right. Bell kept finding holes inside DeCastro's blocks and turning upfield for backbreaking gains.
Haley gets a ton of teasing around here, so let's give him credit where it's due. His repetitive-behavior tendencies sometimes cause the Steelers trouble. ("Screen to Antonio Brown. Screen to Brown. SCREEN to BROWN. NOW LET'S FOOL THEM WITH THE BROWN SCREEN.") But he decided to keep running the same fundamental play until Cincinnati stopped it this week. If anyone sees the Bengals finally stop this play, say midday Wednesday, let Haley know and he will schedule a play-action pass for the Week 17 rematch.
Bill Belichick loves an obvious mismatch, and the Chargers gave him two of them Sunday night. Their current center is Chris Watt, a rookie created by a gene-splicing accident that made an ineffective copy of J.J. Watt; and punter Mike Scifres left the game with a nasty injury, making San Diego skittish about punting.
Watt got picked on by linebacker Jamie Collins and other Patriots defenders all night. Philip Rivers had one of his semi-regular heart-to-heart shouts with the rookie after one particularly grievous act of Collins admittance. By the fourth quarter, Watt could usually be found on the ground as Rivers scrambled in search of—you guessed it—some sort of miracle.
Kicker Nick Novak provided decent relief work in Scifres' absence, but his punts were usually either short or easily returnable, and Belichick often dropped two returners deep to milk maximum benefits from the situation.
The Patriots needed all of those little advantages to pull out a 23-14 win because the pesky Chargers defense kept forcing turnovers and third-down stops. It was another example of a full-team effort that would not have happened if everyone waited around for Tom Brady magic. San Diego, now relegated to the wild-card fringe, needs a new center for Christmas, but by then it will be too late.
You sit and I'll stand
Trent Richardson carried seven times for 30 yards in his return to Cleveland. He also committed a costly sin as a pass protector, ignoring Jim Leonhard blitzing off the edge in the fourth quarter and allowing Luck to get dumped for an 11-yard loss.
Dan "Boom" Herron carried just eight times for 26 yards, but he added 45 yards on four catches (Richardson had no receptions). Herron replaced Richardson on the Colts' final drive, converting fourth-and-short near the goal line and handling the blocking duties.
Herron was not great—he gave up a sack of his own—but the past 14 months of Colts football has been a long confirmation that the team would be better off with Replacement Level Back X in the backfield than Richardson. Their too-tight, last-second 25-24 win should be the absolute last straw. It's time for Richardson to sit, even if the Colts have to do something bold and risky at running back.
Get help from our next-door neighbor, 'cause even a miracle needs a hand
Losses by the Chargers, Chiefs, Browns, Dolphins and Bills have sorted out the AFC playoff picture considerably. The Steelers and Ravens got big boosts from the division-leading Patriots, Colts and Broncos while also helping themselves: The AFC North playoff regulars are now back in the wild-card driver's seat.
All of the NFC wild-card teams got help from the 49ers' next-door neighbors. And thanks to the Panthers, the Falcons are looking more and more like a playoff team with a .417-ish winning percentage, which will make that top wild-card team even happier around the holidays.
We'll help our Maker to make our dreams come true,
But I can't do it alone, so here's what we're gonna do
Religion? In a Christmas song? Go figure. No one in the NFL does it alone. Russell Wilson has the defense. J.J. Watt has Arian Foster and the running game. Tom Brady has everybody. Peyton Manning has C.J. Anderson and the receivers.
Guys forced to do it alone, like Jamaal Charles and Drew Brees, had a very long weekend.
You wish and I'll whittle
The Cardinals whittled their way out of a slump by hiding in the Chiefs' blind spot all afternoon, then squeaking out a 17-14 victory on three field goals, one Jaron Brown touchdown, a two-point conversion and a whole lot of late-game defense.
Arizona has manufactured a lot of wins this season, but this victory was like getting hit by a pitch, getting bunted to second, reaching third on a passed ball, getting balked home and winning 1-0.
With Andre Ellington unavailable, Kerwynn Williams (a practice-squad lurker) saw his first action of the year and somehow rushed for 100 yards. Fullback Robert Hughes turned a flat pass upfield for 36 yards on 3rd-and-2 late in the game when the Cardinals needed to eat clock and flip field position. Frostee Rucker provided two sacks.
Did you know that Bruce Arians sometimes uses a fullback? Did you know Rucker was still an NFL starter? I knew both facts, because that is my job, but I never expected to spend a Sunday night filling you in because the information was so playoff-significant.
The Chiefs may spend January wishing they were not so talent-poor at wide receiver. Jason Avant, recently cut by the Panthers (think about that), rejoined Andy Reid and led Chiefs receivers with five catches for 64 yards (tight end Travis Kelce had seven receptions for 110 yards).
When Reid is grabbing former Eagles "leadership guys" that were just cut from the NFL's weakest receiving corps and turning them into his go-to targets, it's a sign of a problem that cannot be solved by extra passes to Charles and Kelce.
You drip while I dry
There was no bad weather anywhere Sunday. In fact, conditions were distractingly sunny in Miami and Cincinnati, like heaven was trying to shine a spotlight on the AFC North (perhaps to cast a long shadow across the NFC South).
Luckily, the drippy 49ers offense provides a worthy metaphor: 248 total yards, three of 11 third-down conversion attempts and two interceptions in a 24-13 loss to a Raiders defense that looked like it was going to crawl into a corner and sob for the rest of the year after last week's 52-0 loss to the Rams.
I did not see enough of this game to properly aim the Hangover Blame Cannon, but I am filling it with grapeshot because it appears that Colin Kaepernick (why throw to the fullback for five yards when you can scramble and throw an interception?), Greg Roman (each game plan is all game plans in a blender) and Jim Harbaugh (the team appears to have absorbed his sleepy-toddler-like composure when things are not going its way) all deserve a share.
What is certain is that the 49ers' playoff opportunities are drying up. Any loss or Cardinals win eliminates San Francisco from NFC West contention, and the wild-card race is rapidly passing by.
Let's all try to help a little, 'cause even a miracle needs a hand!
The Bills defense held Peyton Manning to 173 passing yards and forced two interceptions. C.J. Anderson scored three touchdowns, but they were all shorties: He averaged just 2.8 yards per rush. Demaryius Thomas caught two passes for 11 yards. The Broncos executed just 49 offensive plays. Those are numbers that scream "Bills upset Broncos." Instead, the Broncos won 24-17, and the game was not as close as the score indicated.
Everyone pitched in for the Broncos. The defense produced four sacks and two interceptions. Backup running back Juwan Thompson contributed a 47-yard run. Special-teamer Lerentee McCray got a piece of a punt, setting up a short field for his struggling offense. Connor Barth hit a 50-yard field goal to give Denver a 24-3 lead and the chance to play prevent for the entire fourth quarter.
Meanwhile, Sammy Watkins and Fred Jackson each fumbled for the Bills (Jackson recovered his fumble but failed to convert on 3rd-and-short), and the Bills committed 11 penalties for 98 yards, sometimes providing first downs for the Broncos, sometimes digging Kyle Orton too big a hole. Doug Marrone approaches each fourth-down decision like it's the first one he has ever considered.
The Bills put themselves in position for a miracle, but they needed all hands on deck. They played just well enough to lose and fall a game behind a very crowded playoff chase. Trying hard, making critical mistakes and falling short of a miracle does not make for a very inspirational Christmas tale. But that's real life for teams like the Bills, who even Santa has a habit of overlooking.
Participation Trophies
Not everybody earns one, but everybody gets one!
Meaningless Fantasy Touchdown Trophy
(Awarded for the most unnecessary, yet fantasy-relevant, touchdown of the week.)
You may think that Sean Payton does not care about you, fantasy gamers, what with his three-headed backfields and goal-line plays designed to feed touchdowns to Erik Lorig. But Payton cared enough Sunday to keep Brees in until the very end of the 41-10 massacre by the Panthers.
Why keep the 35-year-old future Hall of Famer who represents your team's only playoff hope in the game during a blowout marred by the kind of nasty first-half brawl that could prompt a retaliatory cheap shot? There can only be one reason: Payton wanted Brees to throw a fantasy touchdown just for you. And Brees finally did it late in the fourth quarter.
Of course, Brees threw it to Benjamin Watson, not Jimmy Graham, so Payton does not care about you that much.
Mysterious Touch Trophy
(Awarded to the defender, lineman or specialist who got an unlikely carry or catch of the week.)
Raiders tackle Donald Penn had three career receptions—including a 15-yarder—and two goal-line touchdowns in his eight-year career. So the 49ers should have been a little suspicious when he lined up as a tackle-eligible at the 1-yard line.
In fact, they were suspicious: Safety Eric Reid kept an eye on Penn as the 340-pounder lingered suspiciously behind a play-action run to the right. But Reid was a split-second late to stop Penn from gobbling up a short Derek Carr pass and drifting tectonically into the end zone.
Split-Second Late to Stop Unlikely Disaster is starting to sound like a good tagline for the 49ers season.
Fantasy Leech Trophy
(Awarded to the fullback, tight end, fourth receiver or moonlighting linebacker who scored so your fantasy first-round pick could not.)
Hopefully, you do not have Teddy Bridgewater or Charles Johnson starting in your fantasy league; it's the playoffs for most leagues, after all, and teams that double-down on Vikings offensive players are usually run by owners who forgot about their teams in early October.
But if you had some vested interest in the Vikings' passing success, you hated to see Johnson fumble a 22-yard catch at the 1-yard line, only to have Jerome Felton pounce on it for a touchdown. Of course, you may have had Felton in your lineup. If that's the case...are you sure you are playing fantasy football?
Kenny Rogers Trophy
(Awarded to the coach who does not know when to hold 'em or when to fold 'em.)
Doug Marrone is one of the most conservative fourth-down coaches in the NFL—the Bills made life easier for the Dolphins a few weeks ago by punting or settling for field goals instead of some makeable conversion attempts when playing from behind.
Marrone got a little more aggressive last week by converting a 4th-and-3 against the Browns, so it was only semi-shocking to see him go for it on 4th-and-6 on the fringe of field-goal range early the Denver game. A pass attempt to Scott Chandler failed, but at least the Bills did not kid themselves into thinking they would beat the Broncos with 56-yard field goals.
Later, Marrone punted on 4th-and-2 while trailing by 14 points in the fourth quarter, restoring the cosmic balance of the Bills playing not to lose that badly.
Jay Gruden, meanwhile, doesn't seem to understand that there are two sets of fourth-down probability percentages. There are the normal NFL percentages, which indicate that coaches should be somewhat daring in converting 4th-and-short situations, as most have become in recent years. Then there are the "Your Team is Terrible and Consumed by Self-Loathing" percentages, which hover close to 0 percent for doing anything that requires both tight execution and a measure of gumption.
Gruden called a fake punt on 4th-and-5 with the Redskins trailing 9-0 in the third quarter. What's worse, he called for novice punter Tress Way to run for the first down himself, instead of short-snapping to someone who might know what to do with the football besides drop it onto his foot.
The reliably terrible Washington special teams provided no real blocking support, and Way gained just two yards. You could almost hear the Redskins golf bags zipping up after the play.
Bold Headlines from Unwatchable Games
December brings both exciting playoff-relevant battles and humdrum games from the far corners of the NFL's Elimination Zone.
I try to keep an eye on every game so you don't have to, but some of the less meaningful matchups are best summarized in a bold headline and a few sentences.
Percy Harvin Accomplishes Something
Harvin caught six passes for 124 yards, including a 45-yarder and a 35-yard touchdown, in a matchup with his former, former employers. The Jets had an honest-to-goodness NFL offense after unleashing a Pop Warner attack last Monday night, but it was not enough, as the Vikings won 30-24 on an overtime screen-and-sprint from Teddy Bridgewater to Jarius Wright.
Harvin had 11 catches against the Chiefs last month but only eight for 53 yards in his other four Jets games. He gained just 133 receiving yards in five Seahawks games (plus some legit rushing production) before his Jets exile, with most of his highlight-worthy plays nullified by penalties.
Harvin was rapidly becoming a football Kardashian, the kind of person we start to wonder why we are still talking about. So it was great to see a reminder of just how talented he is.
Rams Kicker Contracts "Chuck Knoblauch Disease"
Greg "The Leg" Zuerlein became a folk hero when he kicked seven field goals longer than 50 yards as a rookie in 2012. He was successful on 92.9 percent of his attempts in 2013, and he had never missed an extra point until Sunday afternoon.
Zuerlein missed 28- and 38-yarders, plus an extra point, single-handedly keeping the Redskins in the game. The Rams led 6-0 at half, eventually pulling away for a 24-0 win that was not nearly that close. Zuerlein finally chipped a 34-yarder through the uprights in the second half, sparing him the kind of psychological trauma that leaves second basemen incapable of tossing the ball to first.
When Zuerlein lined up for an extra point after the Rams' second touchdown, the Redskins apparently did not think for a moment St. Louis would a) shy away from its yippy kicker; or b) attempt to increase its lead to three scores (17) instead of two (16). Holder Johnny Hekker tossed a short conversion pass to H-back Cory Harkey while the stunned Redskins consulted Basics of Football Strategy. Perhaps Jay Gruden thought that Zuerlein simply had to convert that kick for the sake of his fragile self-confidence.
Robert Griffin III entered this game after the two-minute warning and played five snaps. By "after the two-minute warning," I mean that Gruden made Colt McCoy play the first two snaps of a series, then inserted Griffin after the actual two-minute warning, as if Griffin can no longer be trusted in a 24-0 blowout if there is 2:52 on the clock.
No one involved in the Redskins has any credibility whatsoever anymore.
Beckham Beckhams as Beckham Defeats Titans
Odell Beckham Jr. had 11 catches for 130 yards and a touchdown, plus a nine-yard run, an incomplete pass and a handful of punt returns (including a 21-yarder) as the New York Beckhams defeated the Beckham-less Titans 36-7. Rookie running back Andre Williams Beckham rushed for 131 yards. Fellow rookie Devon Kennard Beckham recorded two sacks and forced a fumble that led to a Markus Kuhn Beckham touchdown.
The Giants' Beckhams—OK, rookies—offer hope for next year, while the Titans remain so hopeless that it is hard to watch their offense. Luckily, the Fox broadcasters brought the one force more powerful than Beckham highlights with them. During lulls in the action (Titans offensive series), they used Zach Mettenberger's presence as an excuse to show J.J. Watt highlights.
Watt Awesome, Other Stuff Happens
Watt had three more sacks against the Jaguars in a 27-13 win that was strangely competitive through three quarters. The only interesting development in Houston that does not involve the coronation of America's new emperor (and an injury to Andre Johnson that could shatter the team's slim playoff hopes) is the Texans' remarkable commitment to the run.
Arian Foster and Co. rushed 42 times, while Ryan Fitzpatrick attempted just 19 passes. It marked the eighth time this season the Texans rushed more than they passed in a game. And yet, Watt is yet to take a single handoff. The slacker.
Last Call
Final thoughts and images from around the NFL in Week 14.
In the NFC South, Even the Brawls Are Pathetic
Cam Newton reached across the goal line for a two-yard touchdown to give the Panthers a 16-0 lead. After some jawing, he turned to make his "Superman" gesture. A Saints defender shoved him, and pandemonium broke out.
Both teams brawled in the back of the end zone, eventually opening a huge maintenance bay door and spilling into the bowels of the Superdome. Luckily, order was restored before the combatants rumbled down Bourbon Street or Cameron Jordan tried to run Newton over with a forklift.
The Saints defense made the league's softest offensive line look like The Hogs all afternoon, so Newton was never in any real danger. Still, watch the replays to see just how long it takes a Panthers lineman to come to Newton's aid as defenders surround him.
Kyle Long of the Bears could have retrieved a two-by-four from a nearby construction site and dived into the fray in the time it took a Panthers lineman to realize his quarterback was in peril. But perhaps the code of quarterback protection does not exist in the Canadian leagues and coffee shops where Panthers linemen worked last year.
My favorite part of the Saints-Panthers fight is that it is described as a "scrum" in the official Gamebook. MAYBE THAT IS THE NFC SOUTH'S PROBLEM. THEY HAVE BEEN PLAYING RUGBY ALL YEAR AND NO ONE NOTICED.
Mike Scifres Receives Battlefield Treatment
The Chargers punter got hammered during a blocked kick, landing awkwardly and suffering a left shoulder injury. The training staff had to immobilize Scifres' arm on the field, making a quick sling out of gauze before putting him on the cart.
The NFL is full of gruesome injuries, but it's unusual to see such graphic first aid applied on the field. There are far more serious injuries than the one Scifres suffered, but seeing a player leaving the field like a Revolutionary War casualty provided a gut-level reminder of just how violent football can be.
This Is How the Birdemic Starts
CBS cameras spotted a tiny bird, believed to be a finch or swallow, munching on some orange-painted grass at FirstEnergy Stadium in the first half of the Browns' loss to the Colts. The director opted for an extreme close-up on the bird, making it look 20 feet tall if you were watching the game after a long night of backup-quarterback-caliber partying.
Reader Patrick Quinn saw Birdzilla as well and wondered on Twitter about the bird's safety:
Well, I checked with CBS' resident ornithologist (it's not Mike Carey), and he assured me the Browns field is painted with a 100 percent organic dye made from tangerines and masticated earthworms, perfect for the digestive tracks of little birdies.
Super-energized by the excellent nutrition of orange grass, the bird circled the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame a few times, pooped on the Roger McGuinn exhibit (out of kinship), then migrated immediately to the most beautiful and non-threatened part of the Amazonian rain forest, where he got into a series of comic misadventures with exotic parrots, featuring musical numbers.
It's right next to that farm your parents sent Rover to when he got a little gimpy back in 1981, so maybe birdie and Rover will meet! Because both are totally fine.
The Selection Show Spectacular!
ESPN and the college football overlords (basically, ESPN) made a smart move by broadcasting its new playoff selection show at 12:30 p.m. It's a great time to surprise the football world with actual information, not Rob Riggle skits or interviews with Marvin Lewis.
The strangely sedate selection show, however, was all filler with about a minute of killer. The college basketball selection show was the likely template for a similar football announcement-and-hype-athon, but ESPN had a hard time cramming four tidbits of news into half the time allotted each March for 68.
The show was nearly bereft of highlights, and satellite cameras of teams waiting to be selected don't have the same impact without the drama of kids from a small West Coast school hyperventilating over the thrill of traveling across the country to be pummeled by Duke.
Once ESPN realized it had 30 minutes of television to kill and the names of just four universities to read off (OK, six: runners-up Baylor and TCU were also identified), the network had little choice but to chain selection committee member Jeff Long to a spot on the studio floor and demand that he filibuster for roughly 13 minutes.
Again, college basketball committee experts can be fascinating when providing insights into March Madness (one team's conference tourney performance was the deciding factor, another had outstanding schedule strength), but Long was forced to talk about three foregone conclusions and Ohio State.
I expected Long to transform into James Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington at the end of his oration, gasping and passing out on the studio floor with the words, "It had nothing to do with which school has the largest national fanbase. Nothing! Noth…" (collapse).
Push It
Those Salt-N-Pepa commercials are everywhere these days: NFL broadcasts, NFL Network highlight breakdowns and so on. So let's wrap with three random Salt-N-Pepa thoughts:
First, is it just me, or do the ladies of Salt-N-Pepa look better now than they did during their heyday? Maybe it's a Wooderson thing: I keep getting older, but hip-hop acts from the 1980s with full hair-and-makeup departments at their disposal stay the same age.
Second, I always had a problem with Salt-N-Pepa because I always had a hang-up about bands that tried to hide the fact that there were three members. I hated Ben Folds Five because they had three members but tried to hide it. I hated the Thompson Twins because they had three members but tried to hide it. Genesis was one of my favorite bands, because after Peter Gabriel and the guitar player quit, they proudly titled their next album...And Then There Were Three.
I mean, I am glad Spinderella resisted the urge to call herself Lady Oregano or something. But they really should have picked a name that made it clear that there were three of them, especially since the one who doesn't get billing was the one playing all the music.
Finally, I have seen that commercial 100 times and still do not know what it is for.
Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.