*SPOILER ALERT: do not read if you have not seen the second season in its entirety.
This weekend, the weather was gorgeous. People with bad priorities went to the beach, hosted rooftop barbecues, and played frisbee in the park. I sat indoors eating wasabi seaweed and a family-sized bag of Baked Lays as I watched 13 hours of television in my apartment with the shades drawn. The past year was spent with a dull ache in my chest, missing a certain group of women whose ferocity, wisdom, humor, and eccentricity warmed my heart for a solid two and a half days last spring. And now, they’re back. The second season of Orange is the New Black is rife with intimate, violent, funny, shocking moments, and spending a manic, impassioned day reveling in shameless TV gluttony felt so, so good. The thing that kept surfacing this time around was how many delectably creepy things transpired.
Here were the season’s creepy standouts, in no particular order:
1. Side Boob. The thing I love about Caputo is that even more so than Vee for the first ½ of the season, his moral compass is ambiguous. I forgot that he was a total pervert in the first season with his lotion and towel, mostly because he does genuinely seem to care about improving the conditions of the jail. There was that moment where he said that thing about wanting to keep the girls clean and safe. That was sweet. Also, there’s the fact that he’s in a band, which is mildly endearing, but it’s called Side Boob, which is not. Also, re: his creepiness, the beanie and leather vest he performed in rivaled the BJ he weaseled out of Fig.
2. Polly’s boobs. What is up with Polly’s boobs? This isn’t a body shaming thing, it’s more of a how the hell did they keep clawing their way out of her shirt and bra as she changed in front of Larry before they had sex? One of this show’s best qualities is it’s faith in the viewer to pick up on the little things, but the foreshadowing here was laughably obvious. We got it. Larry’s eyes uncomfortably darted back to her side, front, top and bottom boob as she changed. It was only a matter of time before they’d consummate their relationship and then obviously go and ask Piper for her blessing, which is beyond creepy.
3. The fact that Vee had sex with her foster son just minutes before having him killed. No explanation needed, really. Also, that discussion of her menopause was foreplay. It was ironic, however, that we learned about this via creepy flashback after having heard Poussey confront her in the library: “You’re like a pedophile, without the sex.” That would be true, except for the fact that it turned out she’s like a pedophile, with the sex.
4. The white mom of the white friend of Crazy Eyes’ white sister. Remember her pinched bitch face at the door? According to her and her racist face, it was deeply inappropriate for Crazy Eyes’ mother to bring a 10 year old to a 6 year old’s birthday party. Everything about this woman was creepy. I was surprised she actually let Crazy Eyes play with the other girls and didn’t lock her in a basement somewhere.
5. Boo. She’s a lupine serpent and the sleaziest woman on the show. I’m surprised that the writers didn’t even attempt to give this character any depth. She’s relentlessly antagonistic, grotesque, salacious, sneaky, piggish and awful. When she flickered her tongue between her fingers at Soso, I had to walk away from my tv for a minute to shudder. I was curious as to how she was neck and neck with Nicky in the sex competition. Like, who was she having sex with? Also, the fact that Jolly Ranchers seem to be her snack of choice somehow makes her seem that much more pathetic. Who cares about Jolly Ranchers? Boo does. Disgusting.
6. The way Healy talked to his shrink. The fact that this woman didn’t throw him out of her office the second he called her a condescending cunt shocked me. I know therapists have to put up with a lot of shit, but that was unreal. His fury was deeply upsetting. It was kind of funny when he scream-bragged about being a counselor though.
7. The fact that Sophia got about twelve minutes of airtime in the entire season. What’s up, OITNB? Don’t you know that people are seriously invested in this character? It’s kind of creepy that I want to punch her 12-yr old son in the face, but when he and his mom came to visit and he refused to make eye contact with Sophia and was being a dick during the card game, I was thinking, “She’s in there because of you.” Not gonna lie: there are a few creepy things about Sophia too, like how she says most of her lines like Samantha in Sex and the City, and the fact that she has her own salon in prison. How does she have a salon? This is never explained.
8. Everyone keeps escaping from jail, over and over again. One of the funniest moment in the entire series is when the camera panned the audience at Caputo’s show and landed on Jimmy, the senile old lady, covered in leaves and dirt, who somehow managed to just wander out of the facility and show up to a Side Boob gig. Also, Vee. That must have been a long ass tunnel. Sidenote: it’s also creepy that Red’s son crawls through that same tunnel to bring her things. How is no one claustrophobic?
9. Piper’s face. Specifically, when she cries. I was squirming in my seat watching her recall her fight with Pennsyltucky to Lori Petty, as her face and mouth contorted into shapes unlike anything I’ve seen before. Also, when she was on the phone and learned that her grandmother died. How does she do that with her face? Also, the makeup artist’s choice to cake as much grey eyeshadow beneath her eyes as a means of showing that she’s GOING THROUGH IT in prison. Lastly, Piper’s face in flashbacks when she’s out of jail wearing regular-person makeup. She always looks like a deranged Lands End model circa 1996. So weird. Sidenote: it’s creepy that they only used Lori Petty in the first episode. What a tease.
10. Christopher’s bedding. So, perhaps the more logical thing to mention is how creepy it is that Morello went on one date with him and then stalked him and lied to everyone in prison that they were engaged. Also, of course, that she stole the van and broke into his house. Creepy. Duh. But his bedding? With his fiancee, Angela? What’s up with that creepy little bear? What’s up with their embroidered sheets that read, “Love lives here!” Are they an elderly couple living in the Bible Belt? So creepy. I loved the scene with her in the veil in the bath. It was supposed to be creepy, I think, but it was actually just eerily beautiful.
11. The show’s theme song. It’s not specific to Season 2, of course, but I forgot how odious it is. Some creepy panel listened to it, thought about it, and the consensus was “This is it!” This is baffling. Also, it’s a real song. Like one you can download on iTunes. Also, it received a Grammy nomination.
12. Poussey scissoring with that weird German girl. I find most of the sex scenes to be kind of creepy, because they seem to be inserted so arbitrarily, usually between characters- save for Piper and Alex– who have no dramatic tension or relevance. It’s like some douchey straight guy crept in, filmed a few pointless lesbian shower sex scenes, and wedged them in at random in hopes that no one would notice. But Poussey and the German girl– ew. No one scissors. I know that was the point of the scene– that they were just trying it out for kicks– but still. Creepy. Specifically because of the music and soft lighting. Also no offense to the German girl but Poussey could do better, even if she does use ketchup in her makeshift wine recipe and forgives her friends too quickly after Vee proves herself to be Satan incarnate.
13. Piper’s white privilege speech in the cafeteria after getting furlough. This is pretty self-explanatory.
14. Rosa was allegedly Italian in her youth, but speaks in a thick Polish accent as her older self on the show. Also, the low grade makeup job on her faux bald head. It’s just so bulbous. She looks like Dan Aykroyd in Coneheads. Can’t they afford an adequate makeup artist?
15. The fact that everyone is so convinced that Vee is dead. I’m pretty sure she’s not dead. Rosa ran her over, sure, and there was a trickle of blood on her face, but she’s too magnetic a character to be killed off after just one season.
16. Crazy Eyes’ acting abilities. I’m sorry, but the fact that she has received critical acclaim for her performance is so odd. She is always ACTING. It comes across as a cringeworthy charade, like someone’s first performance after graduating from a bougie MFA program in Acting. Enough. Take it down a notch and intensify it. The actress who played her as a child left her in the dust with that creepy dragon speech. The only authentic moment she had is when she was clutching the deck of Uno cards and sobbing on her bed after Vee went missing. So sad.
17. How badly I wanted a piece of that Funfetti cake that Vee finagled from Gloria in the kitchen and used to score herself an in-house posse.
18. No one protesting the fact that Piper’s frugal, annoying brother used their grandma’s funeral as a venue for his wedding because of the free flowers and food. How did the entire family just sit there, dumbfounded? How passive are these people?
19. How old Piper was when she caught her dad cheating. Dazed and Confused came out in 1993. Piper at that time looked to be around four years old. How old is Piper supposed to be on the show? 19? I’m bad at math. Either way, she looked suspiciously young in that flashback.
20. No one addressed whether or not the older lady who stabbed the Vee lookalike actually killed her. She stabbed her several times in what looked to be the back or stomach with what looked to be a pointy toothbrush. Did she kill her? Did anyone care? What happened to the victim? What happened to her? Was she, too, compassionately released?
21. The fact the Fig busts an inmate for wearing blue eye shadow, and Caputo responds that they all wear blue eyeshadow. Why are so many of Litchfield’s inmates wearing blue eyeshadow?
22. Watching Taystee grovel for a job at Phillip Morris. I understand that it was a mock interview, but still. Her selling Phillip Morris as a desirable place to work to a Phillip Morris representative made my skin crawl. Taystee can and will do better than that when she’s out. Also, she should do herself a favor, get over her commitment to her own heterosexuality and date the effervescent Poussey.
23. “I’m Edward Pizzahands.” The meth head with the browner teeth flapping multiple slices of pizza between her fingers after breaking the hunger strike with the guards’ offer of Little Caesar’s.
24. The writers’ choice to have a scene comprised solely of Daya and Bennett arguing about folic acid. Wow, guys. Are you that hard up for material? Also, Bennett’s cowardice. Such a creepy turnoff. Daya would be better off with Mendez, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a plotline in Season 3, which will be out in 364 long, brutal, soul-crushing days.
This wait will be a killer. Like being in SHU, but maybe a little bit better. Our all-consuming obsession with this perfectly creepy show is perhaps the creepiest thing of all.
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