Living in two worlds, the seen and unseen, was proving to be very conflicting.
On the one hand, there are our parents telling us what to think, what to wear, how to behave – all by watching how they operate in their daily lives. Then on the other side, there are Grandma, the shadows, tall white aliens, dead people, the Devil and the light being called Jacob, telling me “Just be a good girl and everything will be alright.”
The past 2 years of my life were now in question as teachers and family alike were making me feel like I was losing my mind, and I was only 8 years old! I was attending “Special” classes, as my speech and general understanding of the basics in reading, writing, and arithmetic became a constant chore. I would see words and numbers backwards and wanted to spell words as they sounded, not as the structure trying to be imposed on my brain. I was assigned homework that required an adult’s assistance, but that wasn’t always available as both of my parents were gone most of the time.
Adding in the distractions of the unseen world, I began to believe that this place was truly backwards. Nothing was as it seemed on the outside. There was no rhyme or reason to the events taking place in my life OR when interacting with other people. If it weren’t for the fact that my younger sister, Angie was also seeing and experiencing some of the same kind of events, I would have believed my peers!
My father wasn’t a very religious man. He was hardly home long enough to take us to church. Even though momma’s parents had taken us with them a few times, we hardly knew anything of the Bible and stories contained within it.
Trying to tell my parents about the shadow that made me feel paralyzed and unable to breathe, the devil that would walk around the house and show his long pointed bloody red hand in my window, or the dead people in my room and all over the base was like showing a baby a diaper and asking them to put it on. A blank stare of disbelief! Followed by laughter!
With a burst of laughter, my father would say, “That’s the Devil, making sure you’re being a good girl and listening to your parents while I’m not able to be home.” I had no idea who the Devil was or how they got him to watch me but if they say it’s the Devil, then it’s the Devil. They still wouldn’t believe me.
I began feeling frustrated, so I found ways to distract myself from the unseen world. My two sisters and I had great harmony, except for the youngest. She was a little tone deaf. We would sing together and make up little shows for the neighborhood kids. We even hung up a bed sheet outside on the front porch as a makeshift curtain for our stage. Daddy would tell us, “We should start a group…we could be the next Jackson 5!” I really enjoyed singing. It would take me away from the reality of the days and nights spent coping with the unknown. Plus, being outside was easier than staying indoors. I always felt like I was being watched, inside or outside. At least it felt like I had more room to run, instead of feeling trapped within the walls of what should have been a safe haven.
There was a new feeling inside of me; one that scared me. I couldn’t stop having thoughts of doing things I knew were wrong but felt I had no control. As if I was watching myself but couldn’t stop. I started sneaking out of the house almost every night. There was a park over by the Enlisted Apartments and several older kids would hang out there. I found myself headed that way one night.
I was wandering around the base dodging the MP’s jeep as it would drive by, just like I had done with Robbie before, when I ran into a kid named James from school. He was in a grade above me but it was a small base school. Everyone knew who was who and who was related. James and his older brother Mark were standing over by the swings when they saw me.
James waved me over, “Hey, Sheri, come over here. What are you doing out this late?”
Trying to act cool, I mocked back at him, “Just out for a walk. What are you doing out this late?”
“Our dad is on assignment, so we are hanging out with a few other friends. They should be here any minute.” James said as he looked around in anticipation of their arrival.
Not knowing what would happen next, I stated, “Ok, well, guess I’ll be movin’ on.” As soon as the words came out of my mouth, two other boys rode up on bicycles. Skidding to a stop just in front of me was a boy I recognized, an older kid named Stevie. We had seen him several times at the Commissary (base grocery store). He worked there after school and on the weekends stocking shelves and mopping up the aisles. His father was an Enlisted man and was known to get, ‘rough with his boys.’ But Stevie was always nice to me and would smile and say ‘hello.’ I knew him to be a respectful boy.
Stevie and the other boy, whose name I didn’t know, stopped their bikes. They jumped to their feet as Stevie started talking. “Hello boys, what’s going on here? Who have we here? Don’t I know you?” Stevie said, looking in my direction. James stood up from his sitting position on one of the swings and told Stevie, “This is Sher. She’s a friend of mine from school. She’s cool.”
“Yeah Sher, I’ve seen you around base.” Stevie nodded in my direction.
“Boys and Sher, meet my cousin Ralphie. He is visiting us from New York City! Ralphie meet my boys, James and his brother Mark. And this is Sher. Her father’s an Officer so don’t say too much in front of her. She might go back and snitch on us.” Stevie kinda leaned over and cupped his hand in front of his mouth, as if he was secretly telling the boys to watch out for me – I’d get them caught doing whatever they are about to do.
I thought that was really funny, given the fact that I had just been caught skipping school and stealing. I didn’t see the irony or know about the rumors. So I had to throw back, “Guess you think you know everything, but do you know how I got into town?” Laughing, trying to make fun of me, Stevie replied, “Chill baby girl, I was just razzin’ you. That had to be scary, dodging the MP’s and the cactus all the way into town. How’s a little girl like you do something like that all by yourself?”
“I’m not so little! Wouldn’t you like to know how I did it?” I thought I was being so smart but he really wanted to know. He kept asking me, “How did you hide along the road? Did you run the whole way or hitch hike?” He kept going on and on about it, but I wouldn’t give up Robbie. So I told him I knew about a path that took you to town faster than the main road and beyond the Security Gate.
While he was waiting for me to respond, Stevie asked his cousin Ralphie for a cigarette and lit it up. I had never seen a kid smoking a cigarette before. Staring at his movements, I stammered out, “I don’t even know what hitchhike even means and I only had to hide once from the MPs.” “Would you like a smoke?” Stevie asked. He must have noticed the way I was looking at him. I had seen my father and mother smoke so I said, without a second thought, “Yeah, sure, thanks.”
As Stevie lit the end of my cigarette, I could smell the sulfur from the matches. It smelled so good to me, so familiar. He asked me again, “So, tell us how you made it all the way into town without anyone seeing you. What path did you take?”
I took my very first drag off the cigarette, slowly inhaled and blew out the smoke as if I had been smoking my entire 8 years on this planet. Then I told the 4 boys about my journey up the path the Enlisted men took, behind the Commanders pool in the backyard. All eyes were on me as I described the footpath and the markers that lead to the road bringing you out closest to the town of Sierra Vista.
“Can you show us where the path starts? Can we ride our bikes on the path?” Stevie, looking more like the leader of this group of boys, asked all the questions. “You mean right now? I guess I could take you but I’m sure you can find it on your own. It’s the only path behind the pool. You should be able to ride your bikes. Besides, I don’t have one, so you don’t have to wait for me.” I certainly didn’t want to go on that path ever again, especially at night!
James spoke up, “Yeah, let’s go right now. I can give you a ride. You can ride on the back of my bike.”
“But it’s dark and we don’t have any light.”
“We have flashlights, so we can see in the dark.” Ralphie interjected.
Reluctantly, I told them I would go. “I will take you to the path but then I am going home.” I didn’t live that far and could walk back to my house.
“Ok, let’s go.” James grabbed his bike and motioned for me to sit on the back of the seat saying, “Hold on to the bar or me and put your feet on the spoke bar.” And the five of us rode towards the Commander’s House. Once we were on our way I started feeling uneasy, like I needed to get far away from these boys. What was I doing? Why did I agree to take them to the path I vowed never to return too? The closer we got, the worse I felt. All I could think was, ‘Just show them the path and get out of here’!
There were still lights on inside the house as we made our way up the drive. When we got along the side of the house, we got off the bikes and I walked them to the pool area.
“Ok, here it is, this is the footpath. It will take you up to the main road, beyond the Security Guards. Then follow the road but stay to the side in the dirt. The first thing you come up to is the gas station.” I was ready to run as soon as I gave them directions.
All of a sudden, there was a bright flash just up the trail. It was so bright it blinded us. We couldn’t see anything; not each other, not the ground, just this bright light. We were frozen! We couldn’t move or speak. The last thing I remember was trying to scream!
The next morning, I woke up in my bed! I sat up and thought, “How did I get here?” I felt strange. I couldn’t remember how I got home or anything about last night. Was it all a dream? Was I really outside, in the middle of the night, with boys I didn’t really know? Did I really smoke a cigarette and like it?
Standing in front of the bathroom sink, looking at myself in the mirror, I brushed my teeth. Feelings of uncertainty flooded my mind. Was I going crazy? Things were definitely not right or at least they were very backwards. Looking straight into the mirror and checking my teeth, I looked sideways and there I could see my grandmother standing just behind me! I swung around to look at her and she was gone.
I looked back into the mirror. Not wanting to be scared again, I started telling myself, “Grandma must be here to let me know that no matter what I am going through, she will be here with me, just like Jacob. Just be a good girl and everything will be alright!”
Summertime in Arizona when I was 8 going on 9 was some of the most adventurous and frightening times in my young years. Knowing that I wasn’t alone was very comforting, but seeing all these other things kept me on my toes.
Playing outside more and more soon allowed those things to make me more aware of their presence. I was seeing silhouettes of energy flying through the sky, just moving along unnoticed by everyone else. They looked like a mirage that we would see driving down the hot Arizona roads, waving as they moved across the sky above me. They were like shadows darting all around. I would see them out of the corner of my eye, only to be gone when I turned my head. Those that were dead and moving by me looked like they were asking for help. But then there were some, like the one I saw in Robbie, always dark and right beside or inside, peeking out. The people around me became different colors. Some were brighter than others or they had no colors at all, just a hazy grey splattered around their bodies.
I was also connecting with nature more. Birds would fly around me, bee’s and butterflies made their way in front of me or around me all the time. Animals would come up to me, unafraid, like they knew I wouldn’t hurt them.
One day we were driving over to my Grandfather’s house for a weekend visit. Dad was on “assignment,” so it was just mom and we girls. Since grandma passed away, we tried to visit grandpa often. I so loved going over to their house. Grandpa would show me all about gardening and how to care for the garden. He had a boat and a camper, converted from an old school bus, parked on the side of the house. We would always play inside them when not out camping.
I was sitting in the back seat with my two younger sisters. My older sister was in the front with our mother when something in my head told me to turn around and look at the car sitting behind us.
We were stopped at a red light, so I turned around and looked at the car. I saw my grandmother sitting in the driver’s seat, just like she used to when she was alive. Her right arm on the wheel and the left arm propped up with her head resting on her hand! I started screaming, “Look, look! It’s grandma! She’s in the car behind us! Look now so you can see her!” I really wanted everyone in that car to turn around and see her and to tell me that they could see her.
It didn’t work out that way. My sisters and mother didn’t see her! I began to sob uncontrollably, overcome with emotion, I cried, “But you have to see her! She is right there in that car! Please tell me you see her!” All I got were blank stares. No one, not even Angie had seen grandma.
In support of what happened, Angie chimed in, “I believe you saw her. I wish I had too. I miss her.” Mom tried to console me, “Calm down Sheri, there is no need to get all upset.”
I tried to calm myself down as I started to hyperventilate. In between breathes, I stammered out, “I just wish you all could see what I see. I know Angie has, so I hope one day you all see.”
As the car turned down the street that grandpa’s house was on, Mom looked at me and said, “Wipe those tears off and put on a smile. We are here now and you can go into the backyard and play. All better now?” “Yeah, I guess.” was all I could muster as I wiped the tears from my face.
We pulled up into the driveway and I grabbed my bag and jumped out of the car and into the house. Grandpa was sitting in his chair in the living room watching one of his favorite shows, Ponderosa. I gave him a hug, said ‘hello.’ “Hello, little lady.” His breath smelled of whiskey but I didn’t care. I knew he was lonely, so I put my bag down and plopped down on the couch beside him.
“How’s the boys on the Ponderosa doin’, Grandpappy?” “Oh you know, Little Joe lost a calf and Hoss had to go and fetch it. Same ole shit, different day.” He laughed, never taking his eyes off the television.
Mom walked in the door and said her hello’s and asked if he had taken out the chicken for dinner. She was ready to get it started. Slurring just enough to be noticed, grandpa yelled into the kitchen, “Yeah, yeah sure did. It’s in there in the sink. Need me to come in and show ya?” Mom yelled back as she walked into the doorway of the kitchen, “No, no, that’s ok Dad, I’ll get it. Why don’t you kids go out and play until supper time. But stay close, won’t take long to fry this chicken up.”
Excited to be here, I asked if grandpa wanted to come out to the garden with me. I was sure it needed some weeding out. But grandpa wasn’t in the mood. In fact, he had a dark red color all around his head. He was very upset! “No, no, that’s ok. You kids stay out of the garden. I’ll get to it tomorrow.” “Really? You don’t want to come outside with me, but I can’t go into the garden? I can help. You taught me well, remember?” “I said don’t worry about it!” he yelled at me for the first time ever. He yelled and sounded really mad. I knew he was sad, so I just said, “Okay” and went outside.
My sisters were already in the bus camper, so I walked over by the garden. It was overgrown in weeds! I could tell he had not been out here in weeks. I spent the next 2 days cleaning out all the weeds, only to discover no new plants growing. He didn’t even lay down new seeds. He was too consumed with grief.
While at grandpa’s house I kept expecting to see Grandma. At one point, I thought I saw her through the screen door, standing there, looking outside. I could “feel” her everywhere.
The morning we left, I gave him a big hug and said, “You know how much you’re missing grandma? Well she is missing you just as much and wants you to be happy and to get healthy. Stop drinking so much and get back out in the garden!”
He just stared at me and said, “Okay honey. You be good for your momma now, ya hear.”
He said goodbye to my mother and sisters as we all piled into the car and headed home. I had no idea what I was saying to him or why I said it to him. I just felt it was the right thing to do. It made me feel better but he was still sad. “Momma, we need to visit grandpa more.”
All the way back to Ft Huachuca I said a silent prayer for Grandpa. In doing so, I became aware of all the many people on earth going through the same loss, the same loneliness. I could feel the pain and people crying, so I began including them in my prayer for all to find happiness.
Unpacking the car was always my least favorite thing to do but something I always got stuck doing. I didn’t mind. I liked knowing where everything was and that it was put back in its proper place.
Going to sleep that night, I kept the prayer in my mind, hoping to be able to sleep without incident. I threw the covers over my head, rolled over on my right side and fell right to sleep. My slumber didn’t last longer than a few hours, as I was awakened by my sister moaning in her sleep. I looked over her way and could see her silhouette in the dark room. She was sitting up on the edge of her bed.
‘What is she doing?’ was my first thought. I whispered to her, “Are you okay?” She must not have heard me since she didn’t respond or look my way. Instead, she got up and started walking towards the door. I figured she must need to use the restroom, so didn’t attempt to ask her again.
I lay there awake for what seemed like hours, waiting for her to walk back into the bedroom. I felt like I had dozed off but woke back up when I heard movement in the room. Looking over, I saw her floating above her bed! It looked like she had just floated in through the wall and was being laid back on her bed! She was asleep! No movement from her, just like she was lying in bed with her arms beside her body and her legs straight. I could see her nightgown hanging away from her, underneath her body. Then, as if she was being held in the air by some unseen force, she was laid down in her bed and the blanket came up and was placed over her! I couldn’t believe my eyes! I kept rubbing them, as if the images before me would just go away if I rubbed hard enough!
Motionless, watching in fear, I knew there was no one else in the room but I could feel the presence of someone watching me. I closed my eyes and acted like I was asleep. Before I knew it, the sun was shining and I was waking up. My sister was still asleep in her bed. Was it all just a dream? I can still see her body floating in the air but did I imagine it? She woke up and acted like nothing had happened, so I knew not to say anything about the night’s events. Since it was summer time, we didn’t have to wake up early but I didn’t want to waste one more minute in my room. I would go outside when the sun was rising.
I had already been seeing colors around people but this particular morning, the grass was so bright. As I walked, it would light up, almost as if it was singing to me. I found myself walking down the road towards the Nature Preserve. The street curved to the left just after the last house. Once on the bend, the road began to decline. Just before it turned to the right, there was a playground. No one was there playing so I continued to walk down the hill. There was a fence that ran along the road on both sides. The closer you got to the front gate of the Preserve, the landscape changed to one of tall leafy trees and plants I had never seen before.
The trees came alive, with brilliant greens, yellows and blues that extended way beyond the tree line and would sway as I would walk through. Every flower had new colors and seemed to turn towards me as I reached my hand out to touch them. Even the smallest yellow daisy was stretching up to greet me.
I was lost in the moment as the desert serenaded me. Everything pulled me into their rhythm, their frequency. I felt so connected to everything around me as I could see this thin white trail of color between them and me. It was an emerald green with sparks of gold and silver. I had never seen anything so beautiful before in my life.
A small cat ran across my path. As it pounced on a lizard, I could see colors spark between them. Whites and blues came from the duo. As the lizard broke free and scurried off under a bush it caused a dusting of colors to rise up and around in a swirl.
Everything was so alive! I could actually hear it humming. My voice soon joined in, harmony that was felt from within my very being. I started to giggle with the thought that I was now singing with the trees and the birds. I was inviting the interaction and wanted to continue but heard a voice calling out to me.
Startled, I turned around to see a short man in a Ranger’s Uniform walking up behind me, “Hey, little girl, what are you doing here? This is a nature preserve and children are to be escorted by an adult.”
“I’m sorry, Sir, I didn’t realize I was inside the gate. I was just walking and ended up here. I live just over the hill.” I was hoping to be allowed to just walk away. As he motioned for me to walk over to him, he told me, “You shouldn’t be here. You need to go home now.”
“Yes Sir!”
Quickly, I walked back down the path of trees and desert plant life. Making my way back up the hill, I could see a few kids playing at the playground.
There was a swing set with 8 swings, a huge slide attached to a monkey bar, and a round sphere made of steel. In the middle of the playground sat a huge turtle. It was just a shell so kids could crawl up underneath and sit down.
One of the boys was sitting on top of it, claiming it to be his new playhouse. He was sitting at the back of the turtle’s head with his legs hanging down. A young girl, that appeared to know him and wanted to be clear of his declaration, asked, “So, is the top of this yours or are you claiming the whole thing?”
She seemed to know how to talk to him. He conceded she could have the bottom and he would take the top. She looked over my way and asked if I wanted to play with her in her fort. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Sure.”
We crawled under the large turtle shell and introduced ourselves. “Hi, my name is Sher. Do you live on the base?” “Hey, I’m Becca. That’s my little brother Adam up there acting like he is flying this turtle. We just moved here and we live just up the hill right there,” she said while pointing up at a house that backed up to the hill that surrounded the playground.
The space under the turtle shell was huge. There was nearly 3 feet between the ground and the bottom of the shell. Becca suggested we make it our own. “We could put some large rocks around the shell to close in our fort. They are all over the playground.”
“You mean the rocks that surround the playground. I think those are supposed to be there and they are more like small boulders than rocks.” I protested, not sure I was ready for that.
Becca started crawling out from under the turtle, “Let’s go and look. I’m sure there are some that are small enough to carry.” Hesitantly, I followed Becca out from under the shell and followed her over to the small boulders lining the field.
“See, these are big enough to fill in the shell but small enough to carry.” Becca motioned to a few of the rocks. As she picked one up her face looked a little strained, “See, not too heavy. Come on, this won’t take long.”
Picking the smallest rock I could find, I grabbed it and walked it over to its new home under the turtle. I was talking to it as I walked, telling it, “You will like your new home. You will be helping us make it nice.”
As I was bending down to crawl in, Becca was coming out from under the shell. She directed me in the placement of the rock, “Put it to the right of my rock and we will make a line in that direction.”
Crawling on my knees with this huge rock in both hands, I started to move towards the right of the boulder Becca placed there and a man’s face came through the shell, right in front of my face and scared me! Just as fast as he came through, he was gone. The rock started to slip from my grip as I jolted in fear. I hit my head on the belly of the turtle which then caused me to jerk forward and drop the rock. I didn’t release my grip on the small boulder and it struck the tip of my left ring finger, ripping the skin down to the bone and cutting the nail in half. “Auuuggghhhhhhhhh, help me, help me!” I started screaming as I crawled out from under the turtle.
Adam jumped off his perch and yelled, “Holy Toledo! Look at all that blood. Becca come quick.” Becca was already running back towards us. “Oh my gosh, what happened?” Trying to stand up, I told her, “The rock fell and caught my finger.” I couldn’t stand up because I felt like I was going to faint. I was holding my left hand with my right hand, with the top being held in place by the exposed bone.
Becca started running up the hill, “I’m going to go get my mom, stay right there.” Practically crawling army style, holding my bloody hand up, I made my way to the bottom of the hill just as Becca and her mother came running towards me.
Becca’s mom asked me “Can you walk?” She was trying to help me up but I felt too faint and I couldn’t stand. She looked down and saw my hand. Looking very concerned she asked, “Where do you live? Is your mother or father home?” I could barely speak but managed to tell her, “Yes, we live at 13 Arizona Street, just up the hill.”
Lying there holding my hand, there blood was everywhere. It seemed like it took forever for my mother to get there. I felt like I was falling asleep but I could hear Adam in the background. “You okay? Are you asleep? I don’t think she is alive, Becca.” I heard Becca tell him, “She is alive, silly, just really hurt. Here comes Momma.”
I could hear the wheels from my mom’s car driving on the gravel. She ran over and scooped me up without saying a word. As she put me into the backseat she grabbed a towel and put it around my hand. “We are going to get you over to the hospital. Just hold on to this towel.” She then closed the door and sat in the front seat.
The hospital was right behind our house so it only took a few minutes to drive there. We pulled up at the front door. Mom got out and opened the back door to help me get out. I was a little more awake now and I was able to walk into the ER room with Mom’s help but I was dizzy and sat down at the nearest chair.
A nurse came from behind the counter with a wheelchair. I was able to stand as she leaned in to assist me. Pushing me in the wheelchair she escorted us into a little room and looked at my hand. Doctors came in and started prodding my finger. Once they determined what was needed, they prepared me for what was to come.
“You are going to need stitches to put that finger back together again but you will live.” the doctor joked as he winked at me. He went on before I could say anything, but mom looked relieved and smiled at him. “That’s a nasty cut. Can you tell me how it happened?”
“We were building a fort and a rock slipped out of my hand and crushed my finger.”
“That’s quite a story. Tell me more…what kind of fort?”
He was asking me questions, to keep me distracted as they started cleaning up my finger. They put a needle full of something to deaden the area and then put 7 stitches in my finger, with a splint holding everything in place.
“There, now you have an exciting ending for your story. Take care of that finger, the nail will grow back.” Turning to my Mother, he instructed care for pain. “If she needs anything, just give her an aspirin and that should take care of any pain and swelling.” Mom said, “Thank You Doctor.” and we left.
When we pulled onto our street, I could see my dad’s red Mustang in the driveway. “Dad’s home! I thought he was going to be gone for a few more weeks?” “I guess he got done earlier than expected.”
As we pulled up into the driveway my sisters were all outside waiting for us. All together they bombarded me with questions. This was the first time any of us had to go to the ER!
“Are you okay? What did they do to you? Did you cut the top of your finger off? What happened to your finger nail?”
Trying to walk inside, they all followed behind me. “The doctor said I’d live, so I guess I’m okay.” I joked with them. “I’m okay, I just need to lie down. My hand is really throbbing.”
I didn’t see my dad when I walked in. I really needed to lie down, so went into my bedroom. Not long after I lay down, my sister came running into the room. “You’re not going to believe this.”
I couldn’t even open my eyes, so without looking at her I said, “What now?”
“Dad got a discharge, we are moving out of the military!”
Not thinking of the pain, I sat up and yelled, “YES! I can’t wait to move off this base!”
To be continued…
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