Today began the all-out pursuit of Kevin Durant, the player who will determine the balance of power in the Western Conference. Let’s go through the visits he’s taking with six teams in chronological order (according to David Aldridge) to see what they have to offer, and what they might not want to highlight.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Franchise status: Our city is way better than Seattle, we swear. Stop laughing, elistist!
Meeting: Today
Hey KD, here’s our pitch. We can offer you …
More money, both next year and long-term.
Familiarity!
Victor Oladipo instead of Dion Waiters — you know, the guy to whom you said “f*&% you” during the WCF.
No more Serge Ibaka, who got tired of standing in the corner on offense and probably isn’t actually younger than you if we’re being totally honest.
Maybe Al Horford, as long as we can convince him that we’ll be able to move Enes Kanter AND it makes sense for a 30-year-old to sign a four-year contract with a team even though its two best players could bolt after the 2016-17 season.
A PR boost for staying with a small-city team in the middle of the country, because that’s what real Americans SHOULD do. Dammit.
Fans throughout the league will respect your decision, and the local media will continue to treat you like the second coming of Tony Gwynn, even if you sign a one-year deal.
Just don’t pay attention to …
How many teams passed the ball fewer times than we did last year (hint: it’s zero).
Um … hope you like protecting the rim when Steven Adams needs rest.
Our 2016-17 roster’s 3-point shooting (other than you, of course).
The fact that you’re one of the most famous, talented (and don’t forget richest) athletes in the world and you’re living in Oklahoma City.
***
Golden State Warriors
Franchise status: From irrelevant to hated in just five short (light) years
Meeting: Tomorrow
Hey KD, here’s our pitch. We can offer you …
An open path to the NBA Finals.
An open, free-flowing playing style that make offensive basketball easier than you ever imagined.
Sensing a theme? We’ll even pass to you when you’re open! We love passing here! Sometimes even a little too much!
A chance to be reunited with Ron Adams, plus it seems from a distance that you’re pretty fond of Steve Kerr.
A gorgeous place to live near tech billionaires, if you’re into that sort of thing.
A crowd that’s similar to the one in OKC (maybe just a wee bit gentrified, but the upper bowl and the back half of the lower bowl are still lit).
Just don’t pay attention to …
Our traditional centers. We don’t even like one of them.
Our owner, at least when he goes into venture capitalist mode and starts sounding like a combination of Erlich Bachman and Gavin Belson from Silicon Valley.
Everyone saying you’d have to take a backseat to the two-time MVP.
Our tax rates and housing prices.
The response from all non-Warriors fans if you sign with Golden State. Hope you didn’t get used to being universally liked!
***
Los Angeles Clippers
Franchise status: That lingering odor? Oh, that’s Donald Sterling. No, it won’t go away. You’ll get used to it.
Meeting: Tomorrow
Hey KD, here’s our pitch. We can offer you …
Teammates like Chris Paul, DeAndre Jordan, and … um … Blake Griffin! (wink, wink)
OK, if we have to do it, we’ll do a sign-and-trade so Griffin can return to the city where he was born. Because, if you’ve decided to leave the Thunder, obviously your number one priority is to make everyone in OKC happy.
Sorry about that last snarky comment — we can probably flip Griffin to a team with cap space for a young asset to make room for you.
The chance to play in one of the several cities you could call home.
The kids still like the “big markets,” right? Right?!?!
Just don’t pay attention to …
Our franchise’s dreadful, cursed history.
How CP3’s personality makes Russ seem like Magic Johnson.
That sound the door made when it closed. We would never lock you in here until you told us “yes,” Kevin. C’mon, that would be silly! Why are you getting up? DEANDRE GET THE RESTRAINTS.
***
San Antonio Spurs
Franchise status: Nauseatingly perfect in every way. NOT boring!
Meeting: Saturday
Hey KD, here’s our pitch. We can offer you …
60 wins every year, guaranteed.
A city less than two hours away from where you went to college for a whole year.
Humor. Have you seen Popovich make a reporter feel small? Trust us, it’s hilarious.
Kawhi Leonard, who’s a top-10 player — we think he’s top-5 — and he won’t mind letting you have all of the spotlight. He doesn’t want it.
No state income tax.
Just don’t pay attention to …
The positions our two best players play — yes, they are both forwards, and LaMarcus Aldridge doesn’t particularly enjoy banging down low with centers.
The average age of our team. A quarter of our roster uses a BlackBerry (they share it) and subscribe to multiple newspapers.
This PowerPoint presentation. In hindsight, maybe “If You CAN Beat Us, JOIN Us!” wasn’t the catchiest sales pitch.
That drowsy feeling that you experience when we start talking about “The Spurs Way.” Kevin? Kev? Kevvy? (Can we get some coffee or Red Bull in here?)
***
Boston Celtics
Franchise status: We aren’t really sure what we’re doing, but at least we’re active.
Meeting: Saturday
Hey KD, here’s our pitch. We can offer you …
The Eastern Conference. Other than the whole LeBron thing, it’s freaking awesome here.
Plenty of history you probably can’t wait to live up to. Just think of the Larry Bird comparisons.
A fairly deep roster that gives the Warriors a ton of trouble (mostly because Steph Curry can’t do a whole lot against Avery Bradley).
A coach everyone loves who looks like he’s younger than you.
We have our own version of Westbrook who also loves to take over at the end of games.
An open invite to make weekly appearances on Any Given Wednesday.
Just don’t pay attention to …
The number of All-NBA players on our roster. Wait, you’re an All-NBA player! Cool beans.
How our version of Westbrook happens to be 5.5″ shorter.
***
Miami Heat
Franchise status: (Miami Vice Theme Song)
Meeting: Sunday
Hey KD, here’s our pitch. We can offer you …
All the cocaine. Haha, just kidding! No one does that stuff anymore. It’s all about the ladies, the sun, the beaches and our sweet, sweet state income tax rates that are even lower than Texas. Just trust us.
Dwyane Wade, who’s staying. We think.
Chris Bosh, who’s coming back. We think.
Our resident don, Pat Riley, is the NBA’s version of John Calipari. He attracts players with ease while giving off a slight mafioso vibe. Everyone loves Riles.
That whole Eastern Conference thing mentioned earlier.
Just don’t pay attention to …
The amount of wheeling and dealing it would take to turn this roster, with so many impending free agents, into a contender.
Bosh’s medical history.
The inherent difficulties presented by effectively taking over Wade’s team. Wade isn’t a lock to return, as he is reportedly open to fielding outside offers. If he does return, it’s still Wade’s team because Wade owns Miami.
The people who’d say you’re following in LeBron’s footsteps if you joined forces with Wade and Bosh.