Hello, LOLSPORTS fans! It’s time for another installment of everyone’s favorite semi-weekly round up of sports talk buffoonery – Inside the LOL!
By the way [SHAMELESS PLUG] have you “liked” LOL KNBR Callers on Facebook yet? If you haven’t yet, you should! Because if you don’t, you could, uhhhh, you could miss all the stuff I already include on these weekly posts…? Look, just check it out. If you have time. Okay? Thanks.
ANYWAYS, its been a couple weeks since we last went Inside the LOL together. Please pardon the delay, but I had to take last week off to bring you the inaugural KNBR Host POWER RANKINGS. We have a lot of tweets to get to, so instead of the normal 500 words of marginally funny observations and bad puns, let’s jump right in and get to the tweet & potatoes of this post! (I’m sorry)
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Brandon Belt Goes From Zero to Hero
When it comes to the 2013 Giants, no other player’s story has stirred the emotions of fans quite like middle relievin’ lightning rod, Jake Dunning. The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy” of San Francisco’s bullpen has been lighting up the phone lines at 808-KNBR all Summer with his shocking displays of bravado on the field.
Okay, so maybe Dunning isn’t the next B-Weezy. It was worth a try. Anything to take the heat off of my main man, Brandon Belt. You’re all familiar with Brandon Belt. The much maligned 1st baseman with the heart of gold, who has curiously become THE lightning rod for Giants fans since the departure of Brian Wilson. Half the fan base hates him. The other half loves him. And the other half? They just want everyone to get along. Is that one half too many? Yes. Am I terrible at math? Maybe. The point is, KNBR callers are PASSIONATE about Belt, and any time you inject PASSION into sports talk, the lulz are gonna be amazing.
The Scarecrow: “It may be time to pull the Brandon Belt plug, because eventually he’s going to start costing you money.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 2, 2013
Dear, KNBR: It may be time to pull the plug on The Scarecrow. This guy calls every show, every single day, with the same tired, long-winded speeches and corny one-liners. The response is almost Pavlovian when I hear his voice, as my fingers are trained to seek out my keyboard to tweet his ridiculous sports takes.
Same caller: “Put these boys in a offseason hitter training course, especially that Brandon Belt. He needs help. Belt needs H-E-L-P.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 6, 2013
This seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? I mean, I think a few extra sessions with Hensley “Bam Bam” Muelens should do the trick. We don’t need to send Belt away to some sort of concentration camp for bad hitters, do we?. Yeesh.
“The best thing the Giants can do for the franchise is never let Brandon Belt set foot on the field again.” #BeltBash — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 3, 2013
Alright, that seems rational.
“You said Belt had good numbers, but in the last 2 months he’s come up with runners in scoring position and he couldn’t pee a drop.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 6, 2013
Uhhhh….
Caller: “And then Belt’s got the Gumby shoulders every time he strikes out…” Kevin Lynch: “Does Gumby even HAVE shoulders?” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 6, 2013
Good one, Lynchie! But unfortunately, it appears he does have shoulders. And they are fairly slumpy. Damn it.
On a side note, is this Photoshop by our own Ruthless Sports Guy the worst/greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? I think so.
Our last word on Belt (this week) comes from long time Belt Backer, Bob Fitzgerald.
Bob Fitzgerald: “We have the Brandon Belt beat-a-thon here every day!” #NoContextTuesday
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 6, 2013
That’s gold, Fitzie. GOLD.
Still, while fans may seem infatuated with Belt now, Dunning remains the straw that stirs the drink in San Francisco.
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One thing I get asked a lot is, “Are these callers drunk or stoned…or both?“
Until KNBR and the KNBR Caller’s Union can come to an agreement on random drug testing, I don’t know if we’ll ever know for sure, but I’m certainly not above profiling. Sometimes you just put two and two together, like that time you saw Bobby Estalella at the gym with his shirt off, alternately applying both a clear and a cream substance to his skin, and then you saw him hit eight home runs in one game the next day. Listen to what your instincts tell you. If a KNBR caller is laughing a lot more than they should be, and slurring his or her words, and making grunting noises, they’re probably lit like a Christmas tree.
Arthur in Bay Point: “I still have faith in the Giants! I think they’ll AT LEAST win the wild card! What does Skate Scott think?!”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 6, 2013
Who is Skate Scott? For Arthur in Bay Point, that’s Kate Scott after a 12-pack of Natty Light.
“They’re not playing home run club fest, these Giants have got to play BASEBALL. They weren’t even invited to the home run club fest.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 6, 2013
I remember this woman’s call. She’s the one who wanted to send Belt away to hitting camp. She was completely housed.
“We’re winners even if we’re losing and if we ever lost our mustard, we’d fight for ketchup.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 8, 2013
“What, this stuff? It’s medicinal. For my Glaucoma.”
“Pablo should play 3rd base left handed.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
Shrooms. Definitely shrooms.
[Marty interrupts to ask question about Pablo playing left handed] Caller: “I’m making a point. I can’t have your paradigms get in the way.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
Maybe some acid, too.
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Training camp has begun for the 49ers and Raiders, which reminds me that there is no real offseason for LOL KNBR callers. Excuse me.
/weeps gently
/composes self
Ahem. KNBR hasn’t gone full board yet on the NFL, but it’s getting close. Here are a few funnies to break up the Giants Talk.
“Alex Smith will make it to the Super Bowl before the 49ers do!” … “Not saying the Chiefs. Alex Smith the player.” @LOLKNBRCallers
— Angel R (@thebaybruin) August 7, 2013
No. The Alex Smith calls will never end. Why are you even asking me that?
@LOLKNBRCallers a caller just said that replacing Smith with Kaepernick was the worst decision ever in 49er history — James Bravo (@James_Bravo) August 7, 2013
And another Alex Smith call. Kill it with fire!
@James_Bravo @LOLKNBRCallers His name wasn’t Luke from Sacramento was it? My friend is an imbecile. — Tyler Clements (@Tyler_Wilde87) August 7, 2013
Luke in Sacramento, if you’re reading, leave a comment!
Rich Walcoff describes Scott Tolzien as “A poor man’s Alex Smith.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
Really looking forward to that 49ers postgame call-in show with Larry Krueger and Rich Walcoff.
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And now back to your regularly scheduled Giants lulz.
Third caller of the night is out of breath. Huffing and puffing into the phone while complaining about Tim Lincecum’s lack of stamina. — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 2, 2013
Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
“We need a new closer to replace Romo. He fell into the role and it’s time to look elsewhere. I don’t think he has the eye of the tiger.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 3, 2013
Analysis!
“My cellphone has about as much power left as the Giants lately, so I’ll make my points quick.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 8, 2013
Jokes!
“I play fantasy baseball. I have what I call my ‘Giants Strategy’ where I just pick up every pitcher opposing the Giants. It works great.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 7, 2013
Fantasy advice!
“I’m really mad. All of the fans are mad. I want Sabean and Bochy to come out and be not so nice to these guys.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 8, 2013
Outrage!
“Bruce Bochy would’ve been a bullpen coach in any other era.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 7, 2013
Nonsense!
“I see no logic in this draft pick we made. WE ALREADY HAVE A SHORTSTOP.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 8, 2013
An incredible lack of understanding of baseball’s amateur draft!
“This is really an indictment of the drafting the last 2 years. They need to do some re-drafting.” #SFGiants
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 8, 2013
That doesn’t even make sense!
“Bring in Jemile Weeks and players of that ilk.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 8, 2013
Screw it! Say anything you want!
Crusty in San Francisco: “I don’t believe in the Curse of the Dawg. He’s no Bambino.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
Damn right, he’s not!
Baggarly: “The Giants tried for years to get Aaron Rowand out of his toilet-dumping stance.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 10, 2013
Baggs, you rule.
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Okay, time to wrap up this post with a few more random gems. These are my personal favorites. The casual statements people make on the radio because they’re out of their element, or maybe because they’re just weirdos, I don’t know. Whatever. It’s funny.
“We’re a family of Giants fans having a baseball discussion. My son is here. He’s 10…or 11…? [asks son how old he is]…Okay, he’s 10.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 3, 2013
Our leader in the clubhouse for LOLKNBR Parent of the Year.
Caller: “Hey, that last caller stole my material from a call two weeks ago.” Ray: “That’s pretty sad.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 7, 2013
Tremendous response from Ray Woodson.
“What sport did Rick Ratto ever play!?” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
YOU NEVER EVEN LACED ‘EM UP, RICK!
Caller to Radnich: “Gary, you’re one of the last great journalists out there.”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
Excuse me.
/hurls everywhere
“I disagree with you, Gary. At least Renel is employed by the Giants. That boob Marty Lurie got a ring and he’s not even an employee!”
— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
He said boob.
“Gary, get out of those polyester suits. I want to see you in silk.” — LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) August 9, 2013
This last one is from one of my favorite calls of the year. Unfortunately, tweeting it just doesn’t do the call justice. He was so sincere. So concerned for Gary. If you heard the caller live, you know what I mean.
Maybe some day I’ll look into recording some calls, but I don’t know. That sounds like a lot of work.
Okay, gotta go.