(TL;DR version at the very bottom of this mess.... this is very long, and very personal. If you do read it, please take the time to read slowly until the very end, otherwise, you will misunderstand and react wrong. This is a thought process, a journey. My feelings at the beginning of this are different than at the end, so just keep reading.
I'm taking a huge risk by uploading this, but all of the people involved want me to do it, and are waiting for it. But if this community here on DA starts hating on the people involved and attacking them, then I will probably deactivate DA for a while. I can't handle any more disappointements right now, and I'm already a bit fed up with all of the drama going on as it is)
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Well...
this is so hard... but this is all just my understanding ont he situation, and my perspective.... I probably have some things wrong, so bear that in mind and don't overreact to anything.
I guess I can start with the picture. Originally, this was going to be a journal..... but this picture came into mind, and a picture is worth 1000 words anyway. I express myself best through pictures.... but I'm gonna write all of this now anyway.
This is probably the lamest SFM picture I've ever made. I spent more time on the background than anything else. Only one white light... only two basic models... not much editing. A very simple picture... but I just couldn't motivate myself to spend more time on something that is so devastating to me.... and even now, trying to write this is killing me
I never wanted to bring up such personal issues with you guys, since I'm supposed to be a leader and make people happy, but I'm just another person too. There's already enough mess going around.....but it's only fair for you to know and not be in the dark about my relationship "goldfloof", as I was.
This is so hard, because it always feels like I'm up on a stage, gold94chica, performing for a huge crowd... and I have no idea how to do it this, and I'm just a mess.
I don't try and bring my own personal drama to the stage, because 1) you guys don't need to deal with my mess, and 2) I can usually deal with things on my own or with my friends. But I don't really have a choice now, after what happened this week ... the truth can't stay hidden any longer, and I must write this. As much as I'd love to just deactivate DA and take some time for this alone, I really can't cause any more mess around here than is already going on by leaving.
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As many of you should know, I've been publicly "together" in a online (not physical) relationship with PurpleFloof for a long time now. I've loved him for over a year, but he was in relationships with other people back then. It was only in August of 2015, after yet another person broke up with him, that I was able to tell him my feelings for him.
He agreed cautiously at first, but since he had a bit of a crush on me before, and he wanted to be saved from the pain of another breakup, he accepted. The poor guy was in so many failed and even abusive online relationships before, that I just wanted to show him real love and make him the happiest person in the world. He had enough suffering and pain, emotionally and physically, online and IRL, and I thought that I could be good for him.
As time went on, he warmed up to me, and our love grew. However, it reached a point to where it outgrew our bounds and limitations. Timezones, for example. He's 12-13 hours ahead of me. I would stay up all night to be with him, and he would get up really early to be with me. It took its toll on us. And then he started to get so afriad that I would fall asleep at the wheel and crash my car, that he worried so much and couldn't sleep well. So he pulled away from me so that he was able to sleep normally again, which meant that he got up at the very end of my day, when I was more ready to go to sleep. And I don't have a phone, or full internet access at work, so I couldn't communicate with him there.
We also realized that we couldn't be together IRL.... he's confined to his wheelchair and is deaf, and can't just come over here to the USA. I would have to give up my entire life to go be with him in Australia, and I'd learn his sign language and everything. But such a life-changing move couldn't happen right away, or in the near future at all. So again.... he pulled away from me. I told him he needed someone IRL.
We had other growing pains.... but I loved him so much anyway. I loved him to death. I made promises I intended to keep. He also made promises.... but oh well for them I guess. He said he loved me, and didn't want to loose me... so I kept trying to make up with him and go back to him when he'd pull away. Of course, I'd pull away too sometimes, but Floof never knew how to , or was able to take care of me the way I really needed at the time. So it felt very one-sided, and like I loved him more than he loved me.
Dealing with a struggling relationship, basically since the beginning almost a year ago now, has really taken it's toll on my performance here online as gold94chica. My SFM content slowed to a crawl, and I never uploaded to my Youtube again. I was choosing Floof, over you guys... because I thought that's what was best, and it's what my heart wanted. I devoted my time and love to someone, when it should have gone to others of you who needed it and appreciated it more.
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Eventually, our relationship got to the point where there really wasn't much love anymore either way. The realizations that we were basically stuck apart from each other forever meant that we both kind of had to move on, and get used to it. I had dreams of being with him, and I know he wanted that, we both did.... but I should have known that it would be impossible for me to do.
Back in March 2016, during one of the struggles and growing pains where we were distant again, I basically told him that going forward, we were no longer to consider each other "boyfriends", since I didn't feel like he loved me as one anymore. I also just had a strong conviction that "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" were words that can only be used for people in real life. My boy/girlfriend would be the one I'd hold hands with on the bus, for example. He didn't seem to respond or react to that idea though, but just accepted me back and we moved on... each of us doing our separate things.
However, apparently, Floof didn't take well to this after all. But he didn't say anything. In fact, he never really said anything to me about what he wanted or what was best for him. And when he would tell me something, about himself or what he wanted, it would vary or change over time. So I had to assume most things... and of course, that led to more distance between us.
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Now.... at this point (back in March), I probably should have come out to you guys that Floof and I were no longer boyfriends... since you still thought "goldfloof" was a thing. Yes.... I was still very much in love with him, because really, there was nothing that could kill my love for him, as I said on my Valentine's Day upload in Feburary. And I really didn't want to admit that we weren't doing that well. It would feel like I was a failure... and my biggest fear in life is doing the wrong thing and failing. Which is why this is so hard for me now to upload this.....
But he just wasn't into me anymore. We barely spoke, and it felt like I was last on his priority list, like I only mattered when he was really bored. So I'd get grumpy and not want to be with him either. I could tell that he was unhappy with me and didn't really want me..... So I've actually wanted to be able to break up with him for a long time now, for his sake. So he could be free of me. But I couldn't do it..... until now.
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Fast forward from March to June.... one week ago. We were very distant from each other again, but as usual, I crawled back to him and tried to make it up. I reiterated that we were still "together", and that I still loved him, even though I didn't say he was a "boyfriend". We got closer again, and I was happy again. I thought everything was fine again.
But something felt off, in my heart. Something was wrong. After this last episode, I noticed that Floof had deleted me on Skype.... hmmm
So I took a step back, and prayed to God last Thursday, that He would open my eyes to see what was off, and help give me the strength and wisdom to correct it.
What followed happened so fast.... I almost regret praying that prayer. lol
Now, I'm actually going to skip all of the details about what happened over the past weekend and into this week (you can ask me privately about that), but here are the basics... I feel like I can talk about the things that went public that some of you already saw and knew about.
In short....
PurpleFloof and DisharmonyTheAlicorn (aka Flare... a female) posted on their DeviantArt accounts on Sunday night/Monday morning.... that they were officially dating and in love with each other. And the things that they uploaded and said............ absolutely devestated me. My heart shattered. I will never forget the things I saw.....
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Since they made this information public.... and I have a lot of watchers on here who knew that Floof and I were still together (as neither of us had ever told the public otherwise)... Floof and Flare both started getting hate comments and attacked by people who understood what their foolishness would do to ME. Like, how could they think those things were appropriate??? So, they both deleted all of the "evidence", and Floof deactiavted his account, running away. They knew that they'd screwed up. Unfortunately, Floof assumed that I had sent those people to attack him, but no, I didn't. They came on their own, and said what they wanted. I had talked to people who asked about what happened, but I didn't put up anything like this to 8000+ people... I couldn't. But Floof still hated me for it... hated me for people reacting to something he did.... lol. Though, I can understand how my failure to be a good boyfriend to him led him to seek love somewhere else, even if he really just wanted me, which lead to this mess, thanks to me....... eh. I can understand why he'd hate me for it all.
But you know.... I already knew that they were in love with each other behind my back, even before they went public about it. That's why I struggled so hard on the "Typhoon Cinema" journal, and at the bottom, I said I was "watching goldfloof die". (goldfloof = our ship name, which ironically, was named by Flare herself lol).
Flare and I were already good friends, going way back. I knew she was good friends with Floof, too. And when she started talking to me randomly out of the blue, after I prayed that prayer... that's when I started to see the reality and their love. I actually accepted what I assumed to be true, and put them together, assuring her that he liked her. So I shouldn't have been surprised right??
But for them to have it posted publicly..... and for Floof to upload what he uploaded..... there was nothing that could have ever prepared me for .... that
I tell you: I never been so mad in my life. So betrayed, so backstabbed. And Floof even had the audacity to tell me in one of the comment sections publicly to my face (now deleted):
"Everyone needs their special someone. [aka Flare]
In my heart you [gold94chica] were always a great person to be with."
Um... What?? You mean... our entire relationship was a lie???? I was just delt the ultimate friendzone, and I was furious. I tell you.... Floof was the first person I ever loved..... but then he became the first person I ever hated, too. All of the memories, all of the times...... were a lie.
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Floof had already stopped talking to me entirely on Sunday, but then after he deactivated, he was completely gone. Flare, however, started panicing. Since Flare and I were already really good friends, for a long time, before this... I mean.... what did she think I would feel? I really don't know what they were thinking lol. But she was trying so hard to get Floof and me back together..... but I wasn't having it. I hated his guts. But I understood Flare.... she was talking to me... that's all I wanted. To be informed, to be on board, to feel like my feelings mattered. So I was doing my best to help her, even though she was part of this betrayal.
But to think.... that everything he said to me, was now just a lie so that he wouldn't lose me. He made me feel like I was the ideal kind of person for him (older, male for example) and then he turns around and is now in love with someone completely opposite of me. I'm asexual...and he said he was gay. But now he has a girlfriend? And he said he liked older guys.... but Flare is younger? He wanted someone with him there IRL... but Flare is also in the USA? Nothing added up.... the only explaination was that these things were lies to me. And if they were lies.... then what could I believe? I couldn't trust anything he said.
And the thing is..... what hurt the most , is that I actually can tell that he loves her, more than he ever loved me. Just the efforts he's making for her, and the way he talks to her and makes her feel... are all things I wanted from him but didn't get. So to see him giving them to her......... ah well. Whatever makes him happy.
Part of me feels like their relationship is really wrong, like he's just using her to cope, since I had JUST told him again that we weren't boyfriends. I guess he took that opportunity to mean that he was single and entirely free to intimately date someone else immidietly. Flare was right there for him... so rather than feel the pain of rejection from me, he went to her.
However..... he is showing the signs that he really does actually love her. So I did, and am doing, my very very best to support their relationship.... since I have actually managed to stay friends with Flare, and even gotten closer to her as a result. I really care about her, and I want to make absolutely sure that Floof takes good care of her. I could never forgive him if he didn't make it work out with Flare, not after he left me for her.
But as for Floof.... I just still couldn't get over my hatred of him because of the lies. It's not that I wanted him dead or anything... just that my broken heart was on fire and it hurt so much. I couldn't sleep or eat or relax or breathe.
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I had sent him a note on DA on Monday (I was actually writing it when he deactivated, so it let me send it). I called him out on all of his supposed lies, and told him exactly how I felt about everything. I told him the truth and reality of the situation, and made it clear what the potential consequences of his actions would be. I didn't make any threats though. But after Floof recieved that note, instead of responding or apologizing, he deleted me off of Steam. Nice.
Then next day at noon... Floof FINALLY did send me a note from an alt DA account, thanks to enough encouragement from Flare. He was really apologetic and stuff, but he didn't say anything that he was sorry for. Just that he was sorry and wrong to do that. But he didn't refute any of the lies or accusations, or defend himself at all. And in doing so, he just verified that I was 100% correct and right about everything I said, whether he meant to do that or not. He wanted me to forgive him, even if it took a long time. He said again that he wanted to still be friends.
I replied to his note alright. Friends???? Forgiveness?? after what you did? You don't treat a friend like that!! I ripped his note apart alright, and sent him something equally nasty/mean/unloving as the first note. I still hated his guts. He never responded, but instead, he then deleted me off of Facebook, and posted something rather unkind and hypocritical about me there... as if this entire situation were my fault.
I had told him..... that I wished so much that he had just been honest with me, and told me the truth... that he had told me that he didn't love me as much, or anymore, or whatever. Then I could have actually let him go. But no.... he kept it up, so that I'd stick around, like a dog on a leash. But if he had freed me, then I would have been more than OK with him eventually finding love with someone else. Sure, it still would have been hard to accept, but at least we'd still be friends, and none of this would have happened.
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But as the day went on... actually, as soon as I sent Floof that note back in reply to his apology.... something felt wrong in my heart again. I instantly regretted shooting his one attempt down with such a nasty message ... I was just still so upset and full of hate.
In addition, during this entire situation, I've had such good support from friends and loved ones... but they wanted Floof gone entirely. My closest people knew what I was struggling with regarding Floof the entire time... especially one person. They wanted Floof gone... .because they suffered with me. I was making my friends suffer.... making my art quantity suffer, making my life suffer.... for a lie. For nothing.
And yet.... when I sent him that scathing reply back on Tuesday.... something was wrong inside of me.
I felt like I could not accept Floof's apology without hurting my friends. So I was very torn. I had to make a choice. Floof chose Flare instead of me, so I had to choose my others instead of him, which meant treating him badly. It was hard to do, and it felt wrong.
It was the same feeling that I had the previous week... like I was going down the wrong path, and that something needed to be changed.
I realized.... that this was not me. Hate is not my way.
As you might or might not know, I'm a rather strong Christian, and I believe that Jesus's life was meant to show us the perfect example of how to live in God's will for us. And what I realized is that, while Jesus got angry, and Jesus hated sin and bad things..... Jesus always forgave. And Jesus didn't have the kind of bitter, resentful, entitled overwhelming hate I was feeling inside.
I then knew.... that it was already time to let it all go, and move on.
I mean, really... there was nothing I could do in the situation anyway... nothing that could save my relationship at this point. All the hate was doing was just killing me and hurting others. Treating Floof like dirt was only causing him to be more angry and hate me more and take it out on his remaining friends. And then those friends were coming to me, upset. So, knowing that I was upsetting my friends with my feelings meant that those feelings had to go.
So I prayed to God again as I drove home from work .... and asked him to please help me to forgive Floof, and to just take away all of that extra hatred. And..... wow..... did God answer that prayer instantly. I was overwhelmed with a huge surge within me, and finally cried it all out.
Finally, I felt better. My heart could relax, and I could breathe again. I was never depressed or sad about the situation, and really, I wanted all of this to happen, so that Floof and I could part ways. Our relationship was obviously a bad thing, and I knew that Floof was not happy with me. But I couldn't let him go before. It took all of this for me to finally let him go.
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At this point..... now Floof was 100% dead to me. Completely dead. If you noticed.... PurpleFloof (AKA the FNAF Foxy) had changed into Nick from Zootopia for a while... and then into his MLP character to be with Flare's. There was literally nothing left of my boyfriend in my heart or online. I felt at ease, and like I could move on finally. Floof had deactivated and was out of my face, and he had removed me on all social media. I felt like, Floof had gone from my heart, into my brain... to be locked away. The memories were already all overwritten, know that I knew the truth. I still hated what he did... and I always will, but at least I wasn't FEELING the hate anymore. I felt like I had forgiven him and could move on.
But then I started getting messages from people who were asking me things, because Floof was talking about me to them, saying things that confused my friends. Floof was clearly still upset and angry... very angry.... at the things I told him in the notes. I sent him a message on facebook (his privacy settings allowed me to, even though I was not a "friend" anymore), calling him out that he was just making everything worse for himself. He only responded with "I just wanted to be friends". Oh well for that I guess. At least he deleted his spiteful facebook post.
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Now that I had gotten past all of my hateful feelings and emotions... I knew that I could actually post up on here about what had happened in a calm, logical, and informative way. I didn't want to absolutely destroy him and his reputation... that would be wrong of me to use my position for that. And really, everyone is hurting enough as it is.
(again... sending any kind of hate to anyone involved with this situation is just going to cause me more pain and grief)
So I created the picture up there last night, after having Gotye's "Somebody that I used to know" song stuck in my mind from the start. I had no more feelings, positive or negative for him. He was dead to me..... a literal stranger. Now, Floof is just "Flare's boyfriend", whom I've never spoken to, and know nothing about.
I then sat down to write all of this and upload it with the picture last night.... but I got stage fright. I couldn't do it. I was even hoping that maybe Floof would try and talk to me first, but no, he didn't. I waited to post this whole thing until AFTER Floof was able to reactivate his DA again, since I didn't want to post up anything publicly that he couldn't defend himself against. But Flare said that Floof has no plans to reactivate now, and that they were actually both waiting for me to upload/write this. Even so.... I couldn't do it, I had to wait. I was so tired... I haven't been able to sleep much... I couldn't think anymore.
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So here I am today.... but every day brings new thoughts and feelings. And the hurt. Every day... the pain just starts over, knowing that I don't get to look forward to being with him ever again...
What I realized, is that I've moved onto another stage of grieving. First was denial/ignorance, then was anger and hatred, then I was just drained and uncaring... but now, I'm mourning. Mourning the loss of my loved one. But I will then accept it, and be done with it. I just need a little more time It's not even been a week yet lol.
Looking back now, knowing the truth, and seeing what's going on today... I do feel like the whole "purplefloof" thing was more of an act... a character. I suppose, it's what the kids call an "RP boy/girlfriend". But I thought it was actually Corey himself, not just a FNAF Foxy persona. And maybe it was Corey for a while.... but now, he's changed into a new character, and is doing the RP love thing all over again with someone else. So I really don't know what to think anymore.
But now that the dust has settled.... I feel like, all of my hatred was for Corey, and I'm actually still in love with the Floof that existed back when I fell in love with him. The Floof that no longer exists... the Floof that died in my heart, and IRL. And I miss him so much. Nothing can replace him ... my heart has such an empty hole in it now. I think back to everything we had and wanted together, and cry.
Yes, I have other friends, close friends, and love. But none of those people fit into the "boy/girfriend" role... they were all unique in their own ways, and separated in my heart. So while I have so much love and support, I can't help but miss him and feel the loss.
But over time, those who are in my heart will grow to fill the void. I will be able to move on and recover. I mean, this isn't the first time Corey pursued others while being together with me. lol
I'm not depressed at all, and I'm still glad this all happened. I'm not even that sad... my crying is just over the loss of my lover. Mourning his death, so to say. Corey is in love with someone else, and Flare will not let him go. They are together, and I am not. There is no turning back now, there is no way things can ever be the same. So, I just have to let it go.
The hardest thing now, is that Floof hasn't talked to me to verify any of the assumptions I have to make here. I'm torn.... feeling like maybe they aren't lies, maybe he does still love me, maybe I'm just.... hurting him more than anything. And the thought of making him hurting, makes me cry. So yeah I'm just a bit of a conflicted mess inside right now, but I'll eventually get over it.
If needed, I will make a quick follow up to this whole thing, if there's anything I said wrong. I'm not out to make Floof or Flare or anyone look worse than they did to themselves... but I'm trying to fix something I didn't break.
They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.... but this is exactly why I never loved anyone this way before in 28 years, and why I will probably never again like this. I even knew of the potential for failure and heartbreak while in the relationship, and it made me try my hardest to prevent it. And here I am anyway. It's just pointless. So I will not waste my love on someone who doesn't return it in kind... and I have a lot of love to give. Instead, I will spread it out over all who deserve it... those of you who appreciate it, and who benefit from it. It's good to be free
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Now.... moving forward. I've already gone through on DeviantArt and unfavorited all of Floof's art, as well as anything related to our relationship. If you made a "goldfloof" art.... I'm SO sorry... I really did my very best to make it work out. If you want... you can delete it..... ugh. I've already worked with a few people, to change art, to delete the fan buttons and stamps and stuff. If you were using any of these "goldfloof" support things... please remove them from your profile.
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And again, I want to reiterate... do NOT send PurpleFloof or DisharmonyTheAlicorn any kind of hate or negativity. That will do them no good... and it will just make things worse for them, AND me. It's already killing me that my boyfriend is possibly in such pain and anguish now because of me, when all I wanted was to make him happy.
And who knows... maybe I can, somehow. But if he won't talk to me, then I'll have to assume that he's just fine anyway.
If you can't be friends with Floof or Flare because of this, I understand. Don't make them feel bad... just move on.
However, if you can support them during this transition... they really need it.
Again, I really do feel like (well I really can't believe otherwise) that they love each other, and I have already given them my blessing. Unfortunately, that was deleted along with everything else on Monday.
I wish for both of them nothing but happiness and joy. I knew Floof didn't have it with me, so I want him to have it with others. We'll see if he and I ever have anything to do with each other again. At a minimum, hopefully we can at least shake hands on it and part ways .... or at least, I need some indication that he's moved on.
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As for me...... I'm going to stay single. I'm not alone... and I do consider myself "taken" ... but there will not be any kind of "goldship" any time soon. gold94chica is basically just a fatherhead, a singularity that serves to inspire others and make them happy. This account has grown so much since last year, that I will not make the same mistake of bringing my personal life into the scene anymore. It's just inappropriate. I'm here to make you happy, and help you in any way I can. That makes ME happy. And I have my friends to talk to when I need some help myself. But I don't need extra attention or pity online. This upload will be the last of its kind... and I still wish I didn't have to do it, but I must finish what I started, and move on.
I'm just giving this whole situation a proper evaluation... paying my respects... and going through a normal mourning process. It will just take time for my heart to recover... that's all Then I will be able to be back to myself again
I'm not sure if Floof will return on here.... I really don't know anything about him, but I hope he talks to me. I just want everything to work out... everyone to be happy... and then everyone move on.
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Corey.... I want you to know, that I do not hate you anymore; it was just a reaction... to what you did... to everything.
And I DO forgive you. But if you never want to have anything to do with me again, and just forget me, then I understand entirely. Even in all of my rage.... I never intended on deleting you from social media.
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To bring all of this to a close... I'll finish where I started. With the picture above.
Mature Content
It's clearly inspired by Gotye's song, so I will put it here, just for reference in case you don't know it:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4…
:
Now and then I think of when we were together.
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die...
I told myself that you were right for me,
But felt so lonely in your company.
But that was love and it's an ache I'll still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
Like resignation to the end... always the end.
So when we found that we could not make sense,
Well you said that we could still be friends.
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off!
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
Now I don't even need your love,
And I treat you like a stranger, but that feels so rough...
No you didn't have to stoop so low!
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though...
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
:
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over.
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done...
And I don't wanna live that way!
Reading into every word you say!
You said that you could let me go, and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...
:
But you didn't have to cut me off!
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
Now I don't even need your love,
And you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough...
No you didn't have to stoop so low!
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though...
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4…
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TL;DR:
My boyfriend now has a girlfriend and now I'm single. RIP