Well, it only took 6 Christmas’s but this year I finally get to say that I am pregnant during the holidays! Every single Christmas since 2011 I have wished for that. I have wished to be pregnant, or to be announcing a pregnancy, or have a bouncing babe on my lap opening up gifts at Christmas time, and finally, after a very long, hard journey, I get to say I am pregnant at Christmas time! For the last 5 years though, the holiday season was undoubtedly the hardest time of year to be infertile.
The holidays are seriously the WORST when you’re TTC. Yes, first day of school & Halloween costume photos, things like that can be bothersome, but nothing is as bad as Christmas. Last year at this very time we were in the midst of our third fresh cycle of IVF with a new clinic. I was driving 2 hours each way to have my monitoring done and I was certain that cycle would work. The doctor gave us a 63% success rate of success with 1 PGS tested embryo. I mean I literally had no doubt in my mind that it would work. Then it all came crumbling down as quickly as it was built up. No blasts at all on day 5, no ability to PGS test, and a transfer that was the epitome of stressful! But I remained hopeful that this cycle would work. Then the day after Christmas my beta came back a whopping 8, which never did double… Merry f'in Christmas, here is your 1 millionth BFN, Love Santa.
It was downright cruel and depressing & I think most of us who have been affected by infertility can agree that although it’s the most wonderful time of year for many reasons, it’s also one of the hardest. It’s hard to watch other family members, friends, etc. with their kids, it’s hard to be on social media seeing everyone’s family photos with their babies in cute little Christmas PJ’s, in the back of your mind you’re always wondering if you’ll have a turn. I am here to tell you that feeling that way is totally normal and OK! Anyone who has experienced infertility has felt that way at some point or another. Heck, I felt that way even before I realized that we were going to have trouble.
The worst part of all is that it's pretty much impossible to avoid these types of situations; not seeing babies, and kids, and parents, this time of year is practically impossible. Avoiding a baby shower or child's birthday is one thing, but every scroll through Instagram or Facebook, every shopping trip to the mall, every commercial on TV during the holiday season, it's thrown into your face and it really is downright depressing. I would never discourage anyone from participating during the holidays because it really is a wonderful time of year being around friends and family and enjoying the Christmas spirit, but I would urge lots of extra self-care this time of year too. Buy yourself a gift when shopping for others or get yourself pampered!
Although this year is finally different, although we have our miracle babe on the way, although I finally get to say that I am pregnant, I will never forget how hard these times of year can be when all you want is to grow your family & you can’t. I never thought it would take us YEARS to get pregnant, I never thought it would take 3 people (4 including the doctor!) to conceive a baby, but I also never knew if I’d be able to say that I am going to be a mom & here I am with a baby on the way.
For all of you that are still struggling, please, please never give up. Do whatever it takes, we did. Did it go the way we planned or expected? No. But that was one of my first lessons learned from infertility, you will have a plan, a detailed plan full of dates, appointments, medicine schedules, procedures, etc. but it will NEVER go as expected & you have no control of the outcome. But with lots and lots of determination & the ability to accept everything as it comes to you, you can beat it. As hard as it was, (probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through), I would not change it for the world.
I hope that you're all enjoying this truly magical time of year. No matter where we are in our journey, remember that there is always something to be grateful for, even those of us who have been handed the infertility card, there are silver linings all around us. Merriest of Christmases to you all!