All my life, I’ve been petty. You might wonder what that means. It means I get mad and annoyed at many things, and a bulk of them are mundane as hell. I am basically your cantankerous grandma. So a few weeks back, I decided to confess one of my social media pet peeves, and that is memes with things misspelled and random capitalization. It doesn’t matter how funny a meme is. I will side-eye it til kingdom come because you spelled something wrong on it.
I also unfriended someone on Facebook for wearing blue colored contacts in their profile picture. Like, are we still doing this in 2015? Why won’t you embrace your beautiful browns? Praytell. Anddddd I hold grudges forever. You stole my favorite pen in 1992, and I bet I still remember it.
This is also why I’m the perfect ambassador for ShoeBox (@OfficialShoebox), Hallmark’s sarcastic arm. They’re celebrating their 29th birthday this year and thought that my side-eyes and their snarky cards would make perfect Trifling Twins. I’m headed to Hallmark’s headquarters tomorrow (Thursday, August 27, 2015, if you’re reading this from the future. HEY did we get flying car yet?) to spend a day with their team and their writers to find out what’s behind the magic. Those cards are funny as hell. I’ll be on my Instagram sharing my adventures there tomorrow, so follow me at @Luvvie. MAYBE THERE NEEDS TO BE AWESOMELY LUVVIE CARDS IN STORES! *hint hint cough cough*
Anywho, back to the petty, doe. Feel free to call me Petty White. or Petty Boop. Or Petty Pendergrass. I know I am. My audience is full of Tom Pettys too. I opened the floor up to the people on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and these are their petty confessions.
* “I untag myself from pics that folks tag me in… and I’m not in them. Why are you tagging me??” – JD
* “When ppl are rude, I go like their old ass Facebook photos so they resurface and humble themselves. Brows ain’t always been on fleek boo.” – CR
* “I don’t share some memes because I’m told to like and/or share to prove my beliefs. Those posters are only interested in their own numbers. God takes care of my numbers & knows my heart.” – BP
* “I started a Tumblr for all those grammatically incorrect memes — it’s called memeoops” – AK
* “I will not like/share any posts or memes with the phrases Real Men or Real women ever because nothing good ever follows. Also I hate the Like this Post if you love Jesus. For what he don’t have a Facebook” – SB
* “This may be the reason I’ll have to plead my case to St. Peter, but I refuse to hold an ugly baby. If I don’t ask to hold it, don’t offer because it will only get awkward from there. My coworker kept trying to hand that lil pink alien to me until I finally got rude wit it..” – MM
* “On the first date, a man said “tex-tes” instead of texts, he said it a few times, so I knew that’s just how he pronounces it. I was already on the fence about him, so that made me decide I didn’t want to see him anymore. The third time he said it, I literally thought, ‘I can’t do this.’” – DW
* “Contractions that are not: Her’s … They give me hives.” – KA
* “When someone posts a terrible pic I save it, text it to my best friend, and then we laugh.” – VM
* “I don’t attend events where my name was misspelled on the invitation. Everyone is on Facebook, there’s just no excuse. Honorable mention goes to the dum dums who message you on FB to get your address and STILL spell your name wrong. You had one job!” – AP
* “I clench my purse when I see a white man approach me on the street. If I don’t have a purse I dramatically and deliberately move or appear frightened by him. I’m six feet. But I don’t care. It makes me so happy to see the look of “but I’m white!” on their faces. I also obviously lock my car door at the grocery store if they pass by for whatever reason. I’m #pettyplustax” – ED
* “I don’t like a post if the poster “likes” their own post…#imPettyRuxpin.” – TM
* “I am in one fb group solely to steal memes. I don’t comment, I don’t post. I just steal the memes and bounce.” – AH
* “Every time someone posts a fake news story, I go out of my way to find a link refuting it. Then I post it to their comments, so they can look like a dumb ass….I don’t even say anything. I just post the link…And sometimes I’ll follow it up with the link to your “5 Things To Do To Avoid Passing On Fake News on Social Media” blog post…..for future references. LOL.” – XM
* “Petty confession: I replaced my ex boyfriend’s shampoo with a combo of mayo & spoilt milk. He ate my slice of Key Lime pie.” – AP
* “I deleted someone from my friend’s list because they would always post pictures of their feet, it would do something to my soul so eventually they had to go.” – TN
* “I delete everybody that I didn’t even realize had a facebook page until they see me out in public and say “girl, you be killin me on Facebook!” Get your page watchin ass out my face! I’m not your entertainment.” – AJ
* “When people post selfies every darn day…here’s me at church…here’s me eating hamburgers etc. I’ve decided you need a lot of attention and I don’t like it, so I won’t (like your selfies anymore) #pettylivesmatter” – TE
* “I unfollow people who don’t use proper punctuation in their posts. I kept reading some posts and thinking, “Damn, you stupid!” To keep our relations cordial in real life, I have to unfollow them on FB.” – KB
* “I won’t share memes with quotes by people I have zero respect for, no matter how much I may agree with them. And I will comment on the shared meme that said person is some varying degree of asshole.” – JB
* “When people say ‘sorry for your lost’ I get off Facebook. it’s not lost dammit !!! It’s loss!!!!!” – SH
* “if my bf and a mutual friend post the same article and i’m mad at my bf, i’ll fb-like the post by the mutual friend out of spite. sometimes, i’ll also unlike a previously-liked post. out of pure, unfiltered spite.” – VB
* “When you get back with bae (after ranting in 27 posts about how trifling he/she is), I like some of your salty posts so you know I remember. And it’s my public service reminder to keep all that ish off the interwebs!” – LFB
* “Everyday I “hide from newsfeed” those posts showing a stack of money #tombout “God is gonna send money your way, type Amen and share” Last I checked God didn’t need social media to bless somebody smh” – BW
* “I screenshot people’s post if they’re misspelled, and text them to my cousin. Then we talk ish about the person.” – SB
* “I untag myself in pics that I don’t look fly … Yup I do! When you scroll through my dayum pics, only the best of the best are viewable #pettybuttrue” – WR
* “If a status is grammatically incorrect, I’ll ‘like’ it…. then ‘unlike’ it…. just so they know I changed my mind. #PettyConfessions” – IJ
* “Petty Confession: I never like posts that say “like if you love Jesus” or “like and God will bless you” or anything like that. I love Jesus and He’s gonna bless me and fb has nothing to do with it! So dumb. I just side eye and keep scrolling.” – FC
* “I like ALLLLLL my homeboy pictures because his girl thinks I want him. Lmbo” – AK
* “I use to not trust preachers with Jheri curls and Cadillacs.” – CJ
* “I temporarily stop breathing when I see people abuse commas like this,,,,,,,,,,I’ve seen people post entire paragraphs using commas like this,,,,,,,I don’t understand,,,,,,I don’t care how pertinent the content is,,,,,,,if you put 209585747 commas (or periods) in a post,,,,,,,,,,I’m giving you the special edition side-eye. Signing off, Petty Trease” – TS
* “I will ignore, possibly unfollow, damn near take you off the Christmas list, and FA’SHO not share my good likka with one who still doesn’t use the proper YOUR/YOU’RE/THERE/THEIR/THEY’RE. Their ass will drink some damn Ripple messing with me. #PeppermintPetty” – TO
* “I look at the Facebook pages of old classmates and grin…because most of them have aged terribly. I haven’t.” – DB
* “You are deleted from my life if you say “tooken”. I will erase you from my memory and throw your photos away.” – KH
* “Ok…sooooooo I’m going to #pettyhell for this…BUT…I just can’t like a post with kids that aren’t cute. The post may have one kid that’s adorbs….but the other…not so much. I just can’t co-sign. Now, if a person posts a bunch of pix of the kids & the cute one has a single pic…I’ll like that one…but them together…Nope. In my mind, I’m just like bless da chil’ren & hope not to dwell in #pettypurgatory…& then say that hopefully they will grown into their looks…but I’ll keep that “like” push button to myself. They call me: #pettyKelly” – KW
* “I judge you if your posts have caps at the beginning of every word. That Just Makes You Look Stupid.” – FNL
* “I’m sooooo glad Kermit and Miss Piggy broke up, I never liked her #Pettycoatjunction” – DS
* “I secretly turn my husband’s seat warmer on in the car if he pisses me off. He is very hot natured, and he never figures out why he’s sweating like hell with the a/c blaring. Always complaining about running errands. Tuh! I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!” – ED
* “I’ve been known to accidentally on purpose purse slap people on trains and buses when they are being loud and stupid on the phone” – MS
* “I dated a guy who turned out to be a moron…. We were having a conversation one time and i made an educated guess about something and y’all, I swear to God he asked “Are you psychic?” and he was DEAD serious! I broke up with him on his birthday it wasn’t planned it just happened…” – AA
* “I go back on posts on news pages and stir up mess after the thread has died down… I sometimes throw in a random “yo mama” to REALLY get em tizzied. Petty copter, LIVE AND ON THE SCENE!!!” – NJ
* “I troll my ex’s friends list periodically to see how ugly the new chick is, screenshot her profile pic and text it to my bff so we can laugh about how much he downgraded. #PettyWright” – NF
* “I don’t click like on most baby pictures. Some kids aren’t cute fresh out. #pettyruxspin” – CP
* “I always click “going” on Facebook invites (even if I’m not) if my ex shows up on the invite list. So far, him not wanting to risk running into me has turned him into a homebody…” – JB
* “I don’t click Like when the weave has eaten up the hairline and the person takes a gazillion selfies……”Are we supposed to act like you just have a big forehead?” #Impetty” – SS
* “I untagged myself in a very sweet national friendship post today cause this other broad was tagged before me. I am serious.” – EC
* “I unfriend people who type in all caps. What you are not gonna do, is yell at me.” – RW
* “If you wave me through an intersection when it’s your right of way, I will sit there and ignore you. I will hold up an entire line a cars until you move your ass along.” – CS
* “If we had a disagreement and you called me a name or got ignorant because I was right I will tag you in every piece of proof I need just long enough for you to see it. Delete it. Then either message or text you the screen shot as a reminder not to come for me. I know petty as hell. Lol” – NR
* “I’ve been known to “like” every comment on a post except the ones of the person I can’t stand. I also proofread and correct memes and repost them. I will also take your memes and put my own words on them and get more laughs and likes off of them.” – SF
* “I belong to a food group. When someone posts something that looks disgusting, I save the pic and share it with a group of friends. We laugh and laugh and laugh…” – DB
* “If I realize/find out someone’s “natural” curls are in fact a wig, crotchet braids, etc., I will unlike all of their posts and unfollow/unlike their page. Petty, but real.” – DW
* “I don’t allow people to post their party flyers on my page and I will remove my tag…..unless I’m getting in free..” – RW
* “I won’t be photographed with people with bad eyebrows, I just offer to take the picture. I won’t dine with people who drink moscato with their entree.” – BN
* “When internet dating, I will not message back anyone with dessert profile names: chocolate_____ cocoa_____, caramel____, vanilla_____, tasty_____. Like Ced said, “You a grown ass man, dog.”” – SG
Y’all are a mess and you enable my mess and that’s why I keep you around. Drop your own petty confessions in the comments. I wanna hear them!
Shoutout to ShoeBox! Follow them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Disclosure: Compensation was provided by ShoeBox but the opinions expressed are all mine (aka don’t get it twisted. This post was ALL ME, SON)!
Follow the Awesomely Luvvie FB page | The post These Are My Petty Confessions (And Yours Too) appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.