I was reading Dr. Christopher Ryan’s book Sex at Dawn
Dr. Ryan’s central thesis is that humankind isn’t meant to be monogamous, but have a more communal societal grouping where things are shared, including sex partners. He himself is, as Dan Savage calls, “monogamish.” Both Savage and Ryan talk about how they have a main, loving relationship where they raise kids (or not), but that having an under the table sex life with one or two other partners allows them to remain in their main relationship. Their point being is that without the societal expectation of remaining faithful, monogamy wouldn’t even exist, and that it is very, very difficult to remain monogamous. We are simply hard wired to sleep around. Science.
I think his theory has some merit. In a world without any sort of moral or societal expectations, where we are wild men and women like our hunter-gatherer ancestors lived, I could see this happening. Ryan talked about how the woman would want to sleep with the funny guy, and the smart guy, and the strong guy to try and get those good qualities unconsciously for their offspring, and men…shit, we all know how we’re wired. We want to shotgun spray our seed at any hot thing on two legs. Go to college campus in late spring when the weather is nice and tell me differently.
But we don’t live in that type of society. For good or ill we have the Christian indoctrination in western society with the singular mindset (one god, one partner), and this framework drives us. To go against this is oftentimes monumental. And unless you have these conversations at the outset of a relationship, adding a monogamish situation into it is next to impossible. The idea is that you’d have a side piece, but have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, but have the situation be out in the open and prioritize your primary relationship. Imagine this conversation:
Me: Hi honey, I love you and the life we built, but my dick isn’t happy. I like having sex with you, but I’d be much happier having some hot sex on the side. It won’t be a distraction, but will make our relationship stronger. Seriously.
Her: Fuck off, we’re done.
Me: But you can do it too! And I’d use protection…
So that’s where the conundrum lies, and where those in a relationship who are reading this are at. We want our cake (our strong family life we’ve built, don’t want a divorce that will kill us financially) and eat it (have a hot sex life) too. Ryan’s point is that in a long-term relationship like marriage you only have three choices:
You can grin and bear it. You stay married for the kids, and then to each other so you have companionship and love and stability and financial commingling of assets for a life that is boring but stable.
Cheating, either overtly (like the above, where it’s discussed and on the table) or covertly. You get your rocks off, and hopefully don’t mistake that dopamine fix you are now getting for “love” with your new sex partner, and use this as just a way to feel happier but maintaining your marriage as priority number 1. Sounds good on paper, but in reality much more difficult, plus if covert you’ve got various shame, lying, and stress issues and will eventually get caught if given a long enough timeline.
Get a divorce. Be a single man and spray your seed with abandon, while trying to limit the adverse financial conditions of divorce and having a good situation with your kids. This option is one many have chosen, and if you truly married the wrong partner, or have a situation where you simply aren’t getting the sex you want (it can make you depressed and suicidal, as I’ve talked about, since like eating and sleeping it is a basic biological need), it may be the best of a bad situation.
So this guy is a smart dude, and I see those choices as viable, but he left one off the table: we CAN have variety with our long term lover – it just takes a lot more effort. No shit. Being married and monogamous isn’t for everyone. But with some effort you can do it. Stay present in the relationship. Get away from the kids and build new memories. Stop being a phone zombie, have a glass of wine when the kids go to bed, talk, then go to bed together. Don’t shy away from the hard topics like sex. You CAN spice up your sex life and marriage.
For me, I want it all, and am doing my best to have it. I’m lucky to have a wife that, while she’s a pain in the ass sometimes, understands the Vision I am leading. Family values. Sex. Appreciation. Hard work towards goals. She gets it – it’s taken awhile to get there, and we had some tough times especially when the kids were young, but we’ve both raised our game from the old baseline and while my loins may stir for that college chick at Chipotle, what I have both outside and inside the bedroom with Holly trumps that short term urge.
So we do our best to keep the passion alive. And to be the person our spouse would want to cheat with. Staying in shape. Constantly adapting or changing. Having a little bit of an edge both in and out of the bedroom. Honestly, it’s probably not as easy as picking up a random stranger, but is worth it. Your mind is the most powerful aphrodisiac, and if and your spouse can do things that change up the monotony and trigger those dopamine receptors in the brain, monogamy should be a lot easier. Best of luck!
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