By Peter M. De Lorenzo
Detroit. (12/13, 7:01 p.m.) As another tumultuous automotive year – is there any other kind? – careens to a close, I’m struck by the fact that optimism is still Job 1 for most in the industry. Even though industry execs admit that we have probably reached the peak, it’s as if the auto company honchos have become so addicted to maintaining the red-hot sales pace and the overall momentum that they’re conveniently ignoring the fact that the incentives being dumped into the deals have blown right past outright ridiculous levels to a new dimension of absurdity, rational thinking be damned and any reservations you may have can be checked at the door, please.
It’s great for consumers, at least on the surface, but dig deeper and you discover that the rate of subprime loans is reaching fever pitch, and residual values are taking a beating in the crossfire. Sober financial types and industry apologists are assuring everyone, out loud, that we won’t have a repeat of 2008-2010, when auto loan delinquencies approached Armageddon levels, but I’m not buying it.
But rather than blame consumers, who tend to take the path of least resistance when acquiring a vehicle, I'd rather assign blame where the blame is due, which is to the manufacturers that are coldly sucking underqualified consumers into loans they have no business getting into. FCA has been dining on this M.O. for years now, and they’re clearly the most egregious offenders, but let’s face it, 72-month financing is a Black Hole of Buyer’s Remorse for everyone, and most all of the mainstream automakers are guilty of shoving it down consumer throats, which is a giant bowl of Not Good.
But wicked financing scams to maintain sales momentum and achieve a Pyrrhic victory, at best, is just one aspect of the auto business that annoys, because the industry, as it’s being defined in 2016, has turned into a kaleidoscope of rancor, pontifications, hubris and glorified hucksterism, and sometimes, if it’s the M&M boys (Musk & Marchionne), it’s achieved in the same sentence.
At any rate, seventeen-and-a-half years into this excellent adventure called Autoextremist.com, and this business continues to swing from being confounding to exhilarating at a rapid, head-slapping rate.
The global nature of the business has changed just about everything that defines the car business. The industry is designing, engineering and building vehicles with one eye on the biggest market – China – while keeping its other eye on what’s happening in regional markets. And auto industry executives are finding out the hard way that sometimes the China-focused strategy works very well, and other times not so much, which can be a headache. And governments and regional economies can be trusted and counted on, until they can’t, which is even more of a headache.
Add the ever-creeping environmental and safety regulations into the mix – although with Trump’s pick of Yosemite Sam, er, I mean, Oklahoma Attorney General and jovial oil industry buddy/loose cannon Scott Pruitt as the new head of the EPA, all bets are off - and you have not only added complexity and cost, but there’s the gut-wrenching realization that these regulations have little in common with customer needs, wants or desires right now. And as more and more hybrid electrics and full electrics are added to the fleet, the lingering question remains: Uh, where are the buyers?
It’s like everyone – our esteemed (cough, hack) government lawmakers in Washington and Northern California in particular – is waiting for someone to flip the Giant Consumer Taste-Shifting Switch so that people will all of a sudden swarm showrooms in droves, clamoring for vehicles that operate on whimsy and a smile. Except that it doesn’t work that way and it has never worked that way in this business, and it’s not the first time that the political denizens of Washington and Northern California were unfamiliar with the pulse of the rest of the country and it certainly won’t be the last.
And now we have the New Mobility Frontier, with car companies around the world in a frantic rush to be part of the car sharing and autonomous car movement. They’re making deals with Silicon Valley types left and right, throwing down massive sums of cash while betting on the come that it’s going to be huge. Are they absolutely sure as to what will be huge, exactly? Oh hell no, but they’ll be damned if whatever it is passes them by. They’re going to lawyer-up, technology-up, off-shore-up and jargon-up, and if there’s money to be made in mobility, damn it, then they’re going to be there, and don’t you forget it. They’re going to be mobility companies, yeah, that’s the ticket, or, wait for it, no, they’re going to be technology companies! Yes, that sounds bigger! As long as it ends in a “y” it’s all good, right?
While the industry continues to chug on, with optimism on its sleeves and abject fear in the deepest, darkest depths of its soul, the “battle” rages on too. Which battle, you might ask? It’s the battle between the True Believers and the pitchfork-wielding spineless weasels, recalcitrant twerps and human bureaucratic chicanes that exist inside these car companies.
I hate to break it to some of the touchy-feely visionaries, but for all of the progress and talk of enlightenment allegedly going on in this business I’m sorry to have to report that the silos are more entrenched than ever, and for every person on point and fully engaged in this business there are legions of silo trolls camped under the bridge just waiting to be naysayers, obstacles or worse. There are even rogue fiefdoms within the bureaucracies that add an extra dimension of mayhem, just to keep things interesting.
It would be easy to argue that what is going on in the auto companies mirrors the general malaise and decadence that has a stranglehold on too much of corporate America, and you would be right. (And, of course, at this juncture, the denizens of Silicon Valley will rise up and insist that their workplaces are a series of Bright Shining Moments punctuated by Personal Well Being and Enrichment Breakthroughs and Free Food. Yes, of course they would, because everything out there is Uhh-mazing.)
Wait, you might ask, what about the genial, collaborative, responsible and compassionate work environment espoused by Mary Barra at the “new” GM, for instance? Well, it might be all bunny rabbits and rainbows in GM’s executive suite, but as you have probably guessed by now, that has little to do with the action in the real-world trenches. Ask a roomful of GM True Believers right this minute, today, if they’ve had obstacles to getting things done thrown in their path or impediments to doing the Right Thing placed before them in the last week and every single one of them would raise their hand.
Yes, the battle rages on but it's still about the product in this business and it will always be about the product, thank goodness, and my money is on the True Believers winning out more often than not.
So here we are, and, in order to get started on this Autoextremist Year in Review, we have to go all the way back to last January, which seems to be, oh, about ten years ago right about now. (And – just an “FYI” – this column isn’t meant to be digested in one sitting, in case you’re wondering. -WG)
Well done, sir. I think they bought it. That we’ll see a smattering of “Auto Executives Who Should Know Better” make complete fools of themselves next week down at Cobo Hall is the one prediction that is as sure as a bunch of NFL coaches getting fired this week. When you specialize in bullshit sales promises based on nothing more than wishful thinking and a prayer - even though it has become the obligatory dance at auto shows – stupid pronouncements are bound to happen. But then again, with the hordes of PR minions in tow, trying to spin the fantasy before and after the fact and telling their charges “I thought it went really well today,” it’s no wonder that Delusion Creep is one of the sideshows at the Detroit Auto Show. (“THIS IS JUST LIKE TELEVISION, ONLY YOU CAN SEE MUCH FURTHER.” – January 4, 2016)
Silence. The flogging will commence in 30 seconds. Thankfully, it’s pretty easy to discern the various auto show presentations from one another. The German manufacturers lecture, like they’re talking to the village peasants gathered for their monthly slog-and-flog, while reminding everyone that they started this whole business, as is their wont. This is usually introduced by some odd musical interaction akin to Mike Meyers’ “Sprockets” SNL routine. Afterwards, the peasants in the media drift away muttering “Why?” yet again. (1/4)
Righteous and uplifting it ain’t. GM was all earnest and cheery, with Queen Mary sounding like she was reading the morning announcements at the local high school while Alan Batey shouted like he wasn’t wearing a microphone while touting Chevrolet’s latest successes. And it was all just stupidly swell. As for the Japanese car companies, they go out of their way to distance themselves from the fact that they are, in fact, Japanese car companies. To do this they trot out their American subjects, er, executives, to deliver the news. As for the Koreans, they matter-of-factly describe how they will rule the world, as everyone looks at their watches wondering when lunch is. Good Times. (1/4)
And then there was the one about Unctuous Prick University, aka the most inglorious Alma Mater of all time. We talked about it, and we finally offered the sweatshirt (below). Not surprisingly, they're all sold out.
WELCOME TO THE "U."
Well, some of you knew this day had to come. After exhaustive and admittedly dangerous, double-secret research, paying off disgruntled moles buried deep in the administration, even resorting to taking a sweatshirt supplier and his wife to a blowout bash (who knew anyone could drink that much Knob Creek?), we have finally gained access - albeit surreptitiously - to the rarest collegiate apparel in the world. Yes, that's right; the one, the only, "The U." No, not that "U" - we're talking about Unctuous Prick University here, that shadowy institution of higher manipulation that dumped such dubious luminaries as Dan "Captain Queeg" Akerson, Juergen "$36 billion-to-0 in Just Eight Years" Schrempp and of course, Sergio "I'm the Greatest Of All Time" Marchionne on the automotive world. Operating out of an undisclosed location in upstate New York (even the locals don't know it exists), Unctuous Prick University is single-handedly responsible for unleashing some of the most egregiously nefarious executives and yes - unctuous pricks - on this business that the auto industry has ever seen. These carpetbagging mercenaries, interlopers and unmitigated hacks have specialized in malicious shit-disturbing, bombastic boorishness and willful disregard for everyone and everything in their path, leaving a legacy of mind-numbing hubris and ego maniacal rancor the likes of which this industry will never forget. With that in mind then, and knowing full well that some of you out there will recoil at even the thought of wearing the colors of UPU, we're going ahead with this offering anyway, because heretofore you had to be a graduate to get your hands on one. That's right, you can now wear your very own heavy cotton blend Unctuous Prick University sweatshirt - available in black with white - to wear proudly, flaunt in executive meetings and confound strangers wherever you go. (1/4)
We don’t have a clue as to what we’re talking about, or what’s gonna happen, but by god we’ll be ready for it, no matter what “it” is. The 2016 Detroit Auto Show left a lot to be desired for one very big reason: Too many car companies took it upon themselves to weigh in on connectivity, the future of mobility, or both. And to put it charitably the distinct odor of vaporware hung over the show floor like a cloud of indifference. Why? Because this just in: It’s not the place for a discussion, think tank or PR apology tour. It’s not a forum for discourse about where the business is going in terms of car sharing or other notions; there are plenty of other places to do that. It’s called an auto show for a reason. It’s just a shame that too many of the manufacturers in attendance forgot that fact. They’re so afraid of irrelevance in the face of The New World Order that they’re scrambling to get a piece of The Future, even though they’re not really sure what that is, or what it means. And that tends to bring an auto show to a dead stop. (“LEXUS GOES LONG, VW FALLS ON ITS SWORD, BIG AUTO WRESTLES WITH THE NEW WORLD ORDER - WE LOATHE THE SMELL OF VAPORWARE IN THE MORNING, BY THE WAY - AND SOMEWHERE IN THERE THE DETROIT AUTO SHOW HAPPENED.” – 1/12)
Face it: Sometimes your favorite car company just sucks. If I don’t mention your favorite car company today don’t be alarmed, it just means that: 1. They didn’t do anything to merit a mention. 2. What they did do was so mediocre and uninspired that it pissed us off. Or 3. They had the temerity to show up at a big-time auto show and stink up the joint so badly, leaving such a trail of winces and cringes, that it was too embarrassing for words. (1/12)
Besides, if we were singling out the poseurs, the spineless weasels and the ill equipped, we’d be here all damn day. To be clear, we’re not talking about the North American Car and Truck Awards because those are open to local "journalists" whose overwhelming priority is to get endless free press cars to drive, even though half of them are so far under the radar that the title "journalist" can only be applied loosely, at best. No, we're talking the Autoextremist High-Octane Truth Awards here, the no bullshit awards designed to honor those getting it right by weeding out the poseurs, the spineless weasels, and calling out the ill equipped and barely-there hordes who came to play and came up woefully short. (1/12)
The “Paul Blart Mall Cop III” Award. This goes to the GM Security detail that was ever present wherever GM's semi-top brass was gathered. I don't have any idea what these guys think they're doing, but whatever it is they leave an impression of paranoid incompetence, which isn't a good look. I have a better idea for GM. Don't have any executives at the auto show, just beam them in from the custom-built audio-video bunker in the catacombs deep under the RenCen. That way we can all get on with our lives with minimal "noise" - aka mindless executive speak - minimal interaction with GM's "crack" PR minions (as if), and no views of the proceedings blocked by GM's roving muscle heads. (1/12)
The "We Don't Have A Clue And We Aren't Likely To Get One Anytime Soon, So Let's Just Go Ahead And Hire Us Some Germans" Award. This trophy goes to Hyundai for the whole Genesis thing, of course. Euisin “Your Tailor Wants His Suit Back” Chung, the Hyundai vice chairman, got up and put the assembled multitudes to sleep with his command of Detroit Marketing Speak, insisting that the new Genesis luxury brand would propel Hyundai to greatness because it would look good, drive right and that they would take care of their customers, which is pretty much what everyone says. (1/12)
The "Pay No Attention To That Diesel Troll Behind The Curtain" Award. Or, we got nothin’ and we won’t have anything of any consequence to talk about until 2018. Audi trotted out Eugene Cernan (The Last Man on the Moon, in case you didn’t know), which was nice, but the meandering press conference was a masterpiece of saying absolutely n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Audi managers introduced the Audi lunar quattro (the company is assisting the Berlin-based engineering group “Part-Time Scientists” in the “Google Lunar XPRIZE”), the A4 allroad quattro and the h-tron quattro - a hydrogen fuel cell crossover concept - plus they launched into the obligatory apologies about the Diesel Thing. They basically danced around for 25 minutes not landing a single punch. And when you're right between Mercedes-Benz and BMW displays, which had a modicum of lively stuff going on, it didn't go over well. (1/12)
The Audi Radio Flyer... err lunar quattro.
The "They came, they saw, they apologized" Award went to VW. Then they apologized again and then they apologized some more. For a minute there I thought VW was going to introduce the 2017 VW Apology. Instead, they rolled out a weak-ass Tiguan GTE plug-in hybrid that said nothin’ about nothin’. A truly pathetic performance, one of the worst in memory, in fact. Where was the BUDD-E all-electric van from the CES? Now that would have been worth talking about, and seeing. In the end, VW shouldn't have bothered. If Matthias "I Apologize" Mueller didn't have anything else to say other than to apologize, then VW should have just gone quiet at the show like Cadillac did. And let's pause for a moment to think about Mueller. Six months ago he was running Porsche on cruise control and soaking up the accolades that came with piloting one of the world's most desirable brands. Now, he’s in a 24-7 Shit Show that never stops. He wakes up apologizing, he brushes his teeth apologizing and he hums apologies to the musical interludes in his head. It's giant Wiener Schnitzel of Not Good for ol' Matthias, that's for damn sure. (1/12)
The VW Tiguan GTE Active Concept.
The “Sounds like a new anxiety drug” Award went to Buick. Do not drink alcohol while taking Avista. This medication can increase the effects of alcohol. Keep Avista in a secure place where others cannot get to it... It has become somewhat of a tradition now, after two years, that GM lavishes attention on its Buick brand the Sunday night before the Detroit show. Last year the Avenir sedan concept was introduced, which garnered raves from near and far (but left me exceedingly cold) and this year it was the Avista, the unfortunately named coupe concept based on the new Camaro architecture. Apparently when a manufacturer does a concept these days it is accepted practice that the media genuflect and race to their phones and keyboards using words like “brilliant,” “must build it now,” etc., etc. This doesn’t sit well with me. Concepts are living, breathing entities, resting on historical legacies of everything that came before. Some concepts are memorable or even game changing, some are merely eye candy that never sees the light of day, and some never see the light of day again for well, good reason. Where does the Avista fit in all of this? As I tweeted while at the event, it’s a little dash of Jaguar, a little taste of Bentley and Tesla, and a giant dollop of derivative. GM Design phoned this one in, pure and simple. And this pains me to no end because GM Design has such an incredible historical legacy, with two truly legendary industry giants (Harley Earl and Bill Mitchell) having set the tone for this business by delivering creatively expressive machines with concept car presence to the streets and byways of America. GM Design didn’t make its reputation doing derivative. And to see them do something like this, with three clear “familiarities” baked in, makes me wince. (1/12)
The Buick Avista concept.
In closing, I couldn’t possibly let this week go by without mentioning the death of David Bowie. When I got up at 3:30 a.m. on Monday morning, the news was burning a hole in the Internet. It seemed so trivial at that moment to be gearing up for another Detroit Auto Show, because the news of Bowie’s death was casting a pall over everything. Some people may dismiss that thought, but Bowie wasn’t just another rock star. For a lot of people, he was a transcendent figure. Fierce, driven, creatively restless and passionate about his craft, Bowie influenced generations of musicians and created music – and art – that resonated deeply.
If you don’t let music into your life, I am sorry for you. But for those of a certain generation, music is so inexorably linked to memorable moments in our lives that it is indelibly inescapable. And Bowie provided some of the most riveting moments of all time.
My favorite – among many – of Bowie’s work was the classic “Under Pressure” performed here with Annie Lennox.
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, "Let me out!"
And from his 25th – and last – album, “Black Star” released days before his death:
Something happened on the day he died
Spirit rose a meter and stepped aside
Somebody else took his place and bravely cried
(I’m a black star, I’m a star star, I’m a black star)
When someone of Bowie's stature departs, a little bit of all of us goes with him. But the fleeting moments of life that were measured by a distinctive beat, a classic chord or a viciously delicious vocal styling by him will live on in all of our memories. (1/12)
Heard of Soylent Green? Say hello to Soylent Grind. On the one side we have the Zealots of the anti-car intelligentsia, which consists of The Masters of All They Survey, aka the feverishly brilliant (just ask ‘em) hordes in Silicon Valley; the California government auto regulators, whose primary mission in life is to tell the rest of the country what’s good for us (even though with each new strident edict we could all care less), and of course the carpet bagging hordes in Washington, those usual stumble bum suspects in the political ranks who continue their self-aggrandizing dance of egregious ineptitude. The Zealots believe that we will all soon exist in a Shiny Happy World where cars will appear at our beckoning and then disappear to Some Other Place, which presumably will be out of sight and out of mind. Like Iowa. I can just imagine the rationale now: “Oh, I don’t know. Who cares? Ick. We’ll figure that out later!”
The Zealots are all about freedom from the “tyranny” of the automobile, the one (albeit popular) conveyance responsible for all of our problems, both real and imagined. The Zealots aren’t content with just snuffing the life out of the dirty, intransigent automobile business. Oh no, they want to gain control of it first of all because everyone associated with the auto business as we know it is just so relentlessly incompetent. (Didn’t you get that memo? It’s well documented.) Then they not only want to eradicate it from the face of the earth, they want to purge it from our history while they’re at it, dismissing the entire exercise as that “Regrettable Unpleasantness.”
On the other hand The Realists represent the near and future reality of transportation in this vast nation. They represent a business that is part of the industrial fabric of this country, one that propelled the expansion of this great nation and helped create the Arsenal of Democracy when called upon in the time of this country’s most dire need. The Realists build a wide range of vehicles designed to meet the needs of a vastly diverse nation, from urban centers to wide-open spaces, all while meeting a tightening grip of safety, emissions and fuel economy regulations. In other words, the realists know how to make things, a decidedly diminishing skill here, in fact.
To the Zealots, the Realists represent the Old World Order and a dirty, recalcitrant industry that should be put out to pasture in favor of blue-sky thinking and a wonderfully benign solution for our future transportation needs. In the Zealots’ minds they represent the New World Order, what The Unfortunates in the industry formerly known as the automobile industry will be transitioned to and be a part of (albeit briefly) before they’re eventually and mercifully put to sleep. (“THE ZEALOTS VS. THE REALISTS AND DETROIT AUTO SHOW AFTERMATH.” -1/18)
The ugly – albeit ignored – reality for the Zealots is that the sheer vastness of this nation defies categorization, and the wildly diverse needs of the consumer driving public defy categorization as well. It will be a very long time before even a slice of their vision for a utopian driving future makes a dent in our society, and even then it will still be largely confined to the most major of urban centers. Think about that for a moment, because the hype is far exceeding the reality surrounding this subject. And it must be stated that there is a fundamental sense of individualism in this country and a freedom of mobility that goes with it, and it has helped define who we are as a nation. We, as Americans, love to wander, and on our own terms too. And it remains a powerful force to this day. The quaint notion that a small segment of Zealots would deign to disrupt this sense of wander, completely ignoring its power as an essential part of the American experience, is flat-out crazy. But then again, the Zealots are unable to see the sheer folly of this notion because they’re being completely dismissive of the Realists, suggesting that any discussions of “an essential part of the American experience” are merely the lunatic ravings of a hoary segment of society that should be marginalized, if not completely eliminated altogether. And as you can imagine, that train of logic is headed to a place that’s nowhere good. (“THE END OF CADOLATRY, PART II” -2/1)
What is the compelling reason as to why we should give a shit again? I really just threw my hands up when I saw the Acura spot “What He Said” presenting the new NSX sports car, as in, WTF? Maybe it’s the fact that they’ve been talking about and showing iterations of this car for something like five years now. Or maybe it’s the fact that, despite Acura operatives insisting that the NSX represents the very best that the brand has to offer, the car clearly exists in a vacuum unto itself. Acura wants us all to go watch the extended version of the spot, but why? If you can’t get it done in a :60, you just can’t get it done. Acura needs to ask themselves the following questions: Why does the NSX exist in the first place? What does it mean for Acura, other than the fact that, “Hey, look it us, we finally did a new NSX!” What is the compelling reason as to why we should give a shit? Then we’ll talk. Nice audio track though. (“EXCEPTIONAL IT WASN’T.” -2/8)
We don’t have time for no stinkin’ Diesel bad news, but here’s our shiny new R8 that only a few of you out there will even see, let alone afford! Audi showed up on the Big Game again, this time with a former astronaut longing for that elusive rush, in “Commander.” And the Audi R8 is just the car to jolt him out of his wistful lethargy. Nicely done, complete with that wonderful David Bowie track. It artfully dismissed the whole Diesel controversy altogether, which was smart, but I am beginning to think that Audi is wasting its money on the Super Bowl. Massive audience? Check. Massive image-wrangling opportunity? Check. But I am questioning the ultimate effectiveness for the brand in the follow-up, because the image hit for Audi isn’t lasting beyond the big game instead it’s just falling into the Black Hole of Old Super Bowl commercials. Time for Audi to do a rethink on this whole being-on-the-Super-Bowl thing. (2/8)
Buick + Odell Beckham Jr. = What was the question again? Ah yes, let’s trot out a football celebrity to make people experience the “new” Buick. I’m sure this had all the makings of a grand-slam home-run spot in the dark caverns of the Buick and GM marketing operatives’ minds. I mean, what’s not to like, right? They have a new convertible – the Cascada (catchy name, that) - which will achieve instant cult status in rental fleets in the “smile” states across America literally overnight. And they signed one of the NFL’s “new” stars and came up with a spot that neatly (sort of) ties the “new” Buick to what I assume to be a thoroughly parsed and vetted demographic, while giving a visual shout out to one of Odell Beckham’s signature on-field moves, complete with a twist. What was the net impact of all of this? The hired GM social media trolls went nuts claiming that this was big stuff, that the recognition of Buick rocketed to the moon. The reality? It was uninspired air selling in its purest form. And now we have to be subjected to a :30 version of this mindless drivel indefinitely. (2/8)
If you could remove the giant chip off of your shoulder – and get your collective heads out of your asses - you might actually see fit to do a worthy Super Bowl spot. In the effort to break through all of the stereotypes associated with its flagging brand, MINI came up with a Super Bowl spot entitled “Defy Labels” and in one fell self-absorbed swoop managed to reaffirm every single stereotype associated with the brand. MINI’s problem is that its German overlords keep insisting that it can be much more than it actually is. This just in: They are simply dreaming. A few weeks ago I said that half of the battle in this business is knowing and understanding who you are, not who you think you should be. Too bad more car companies, especially MINI, can’t grasp that concept. (2/8)
In a severely depleted field of mediocre creative work, “Portraits” qualified as Best in Show. As for the most compelling automotive commercial on the game, Jeep had one worth noting, “Portraits,” in an otherwise lackluster field overall. With FCA clinging by a thread right now and the Great Sergio admitting that yeah, basically we got nothin’ besides Jeep and some pickup trucks (this after selling the Obama administration a bill of goods to abscond with Chrysler’s assets based on the promise of all of the new fuel-efficient vehicles the reconfigured company was going to bring to market, in case you forgot), the company is going to hammer Jeep's 75th Anniversary into the ground, and then some. The copy on “Portraits” is superb and the visuals are compelling although some of the so-called “connections” to Jeep’s heritage defy authenticity, to put it mildly, and ironically enough some of the images of contemporary Jeeps didn’t hold up at all, which was a giant negative. (2/8)
I’ve seen this movie before. It never ends well. On the one hand, I can applaud industry executives for sticking to their “stay the course” message about where this industry is headed because it signifies a reasoned calmness and a belief that they’re not going to make the same mistakes as they have in the past. On the other hand, these executives and this business are making the exact same mistakes that they have in the past. Too many models and too many nameplates all jostling for the same piece of the pie, with no one pausing and reevaluating, instead just heading into the “business as usual” Abyss. And to sustain the faux sales rate heat in the market the manufacturers are spending too much money on incentives and writing too many sub-prime loans. And the warning signs are all over the place too. The profitability of the luxury brands is eroding. Incentive spending is crushing everything in sight, including future resale values. Sub-prime lending and the subsequent loan defaults are going up by the month. And the overriding tone of the business is “What, Us Worry?” I’m sorry, but it’s just nonsensical and stupid, and this business – and the executives tasked with running it – should know better. (“I’VE SEEN THIS MOVIE BEFORE. IT NEVER ENDS WELL.” -2/15)
Brother Sergio’s Traveling Salvation Show isn’t just out of gas, it’s broke down and busted by the side of the road. For me it was easy to see right through FCA’s Sergio Marchionne, just as it was easy to see right through his agenda and his many calculated media manipulations from the moment he landed here. And the fact that Alfa Romeo had less than a snowball’s chance in Hell of ascending to the level of Audi in a handful of years was the most absurdly transparent of all of Sergio’s grandiose fallacies. I have been writing editorial commentaries about Sergio, the self-appointed auto CEO of the world, for years now. And every time I do, I get the usual array of hate emails suggesting that I am a “disgrace to my heritage,” “completely misguided and wrong,” “plainly mental” and “how do you sleep at night being the biggest asshole in the business?” etc., etc., etc. And those are just a few highlights from the nicer ones.
Yes, I have relentlessly pounded Marchionne, but he has deserved every single word of my scathing assessments of who he really is and what his true mission in life – as he sees it - is. I have kept my foot down hard on Marchionne because frankly, most everyone else in the business – you pathetic lapdogs in the media know who you are - has given the guy a free pass from the moment he showed up here, gathering at his feet like children around a campfire for story time, letting him exhale his fantasy mind clouds containing his view of the world – both real and imagined - while dutifully reporting every word as if they had just witnessed the return from the mountaintop of the New Savior of the auto business, grasping carbon fiber tablets etched with his personal musings and meanderings designed to save us all.
And we had to suffer through the pontificating, the bombast, and the endless media descriptions of his dress and his personal proclivities, including the ugly sweaters and the smoking, the 30+ direct reports (because no one else was truly bright enough to grasp everything that he does), his espresso-swilling minions and, of course, the unbridled arrogance that was never ending and all encompassing.
And Sergio’s Message? He is always right and everyone else is always wrong. So wrong, in fact, as to be laughable, especially here in the Motor City where he could hardly conceal his utter disdain toward the “lesser lights” as he viewed them, toiling away at the other car companies.
And so here we are. Marchionne and his espresso-swilling posse have had a good run. They absconded with Chrysler’s assets for a song and they rode on the backs of the True Believers out in Auburn Hills, turning their tremendous efforts on Jeeps, pickups and a smattering of hot rods into pure gold. (“FIAT DEALERS BAIL AS BROTHER SERGIO’S TRAVELING SALVATION SHOW CHUGS TO AN IGNOMINIOUS END.” -1/23)
And in the process, the key questions remain unanswered: As in, what is Cadillac again? Why does it matter? And why should I care? I have a very sensitive bullshit meter and this latest Cadillac ad work pegs it. Look, I’ve said a million times on these pages that conceptualizing, writing and producing compelling advertising is one of the toughest endeavors there is. I wholeheartedly understand what goes into it because I did it myself. So when I criticize efforts like this it’s because I do know what it takes. I mentioned the “disconnect” between de Nysschen and the traditionalists in the Cadillac dealer body early on in this column. That’s real and it will continue to be an issue for months and years to come. But another chasm exists within Cadillac as well, and that’s the disconnect between the True Believers responsible for the excellent new products, and the efforts of the “suits” in management and marketing. There is always a natural divide to be sure, but in this case it seems to be growing wider by the minute and going nowhere good. Ellinghaus and his “genius” marketers - he has assembled a team of people with no connections to the auto biz, on the idea that this is sure to make Cadillac resonate with people who don’t care about the brand or even cars themselves – are selling high concept “air” here. It’s marketing cotton candy of the first degree, a lovely confection that seems to satisfy in a fleetingly pleasing burst of nothing, and is then instantly forgotten. (“MARKETING COTTON CANDY, CADILLAC STYLE.” -3/1)
Has it been all bunny rabbits and rainbows for BMW here in this market? Oh, hell no. This is the automotive business after all, remember? BMW’s success here in the U.S. helped power the “Germany Inc.” juggernaut in the luxury-performance segment, a segment that the German automakers dominate to this day, despite the best efforts of myriad competitors. The High-Octane Truth is that BMW’s success lit a fire under Mercedes-Benz, pushing that brand to new heights. And the BMW playbook was studied and dissected by Audi every step of the way in its upward trajectory as well. (Lexus aimed more at the Mercedes persona, but make no mistake - BMW’s influence was felt there too.)
A few years ago the bonehead marketers at BMW headquarters in Germany tried to shove the European ad campaign revolving around the concept of “Joy” down U.S. dealers’ throats and the dealers pushed back. Hard. Only disconnected and misguided German marketers – and believe me that’s a traditionally accurate descriptor and there are plenty of them still running rampant today - would think that walking away from one of the most powerfully evocative automotive advertising themes of all time was a good idea. Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and they walked back from the brink, and the “Ultimate Driving Machine” is still the signature of the brand today.
No, keeping BMW from going off of the rails hasn’t been easy over the years, but it has been especially difficult over the last half decade. The True Believers within BMW are haunted and harassed by the burgeoning ranks of the dreaded VPH secret society, aka the Volume-Profitability Hacks. These are the bureaucrats within BMW who emphatically insist that there really is no ceiling for the brand, that the company can chase every product niche – both real and imagined – with impunity and that the ultimate goal is a BMW in every damn garage in America, and everywhere else too.
That BMW has gotten dangerously close to the fire on this cannot be denied. Its forays into questionable product niches are a glaring sign that they’re not infallible, that they’re but one lame-ass product away from embarrassing themselves at any moment. Thankfully, the abject stupidity of such products as the 3 Series GT and 5 Series GT are more than balanced out by such glorious machines as the new M2. At least for the moment, anyway. The big buzz for BMW as it embarks on its next century? According to the carefully worded press releases, BMW will be a part of the future of mobility, wherever it may lead. Ahem, how is that different from every other car company saying the exact same thing? It's not different at all, as a matter of fact, and I guess it’s a giant “We’ll See” at the moment, but given BMW’s illustrious track record, I will certainly give the company the benefit of the doubt. (“CAN BMW KEEP IT UP FOR THE NEXT 100 YEARS?” -3/9)
(BMW images)
(BMW)
BMW embarks on its next century.
Oh, never mind. Memo to enthusiasts everywhere: Run for your lives, because this whole “autonomous” driving thing has now officially transitioned to the Dark Side. After being relatively optimistic about BMW’s next 100 years last week, I now have to take at least 50 percent of that optimism back. Make that 90 percent. Because when you really delve into the future-think that BMW’s throwing around, it should make every Bimmer enthusiast’s blood run cold. And everyone else's for that matter. BMW CEO Harald Krueger actually said the following last week: "For a better quality of life, the BMW Group is going to turn data into intelligence. Soon, our cars will be digital chauffeurs and personal companions. They will anticipate what we want to do and make our lives easier for us." Oh, really? This corporate gobbledygook emanated – I hate to have to say this – from the BMW Design staff. Normally, designers stay away from this kind of unmitigated bullshit, but Karim Habib, head of design for the BMW brand, described BMW’s semi-autonomous mode as "The Companion." "It is the analogy of the co-pilot who is there to help you be a better driver," Habib said. "You have someone next to you who will metaphorically help you take a curve better and enjoy driving to the maximum." Ugh. (“WANKERS, WEASELS AND ULTIMATE ROBO MACHINES. YES, THE AUTOMOTIVE WORLD HAS GONE FLAT-OUT CRAZY.” -3/16)
Ah yes, as Stevie Wonder once famously said, “New York, just like I pictured it.” And then there was the column when I imagined auto executive quotes from the New York Auto Show. Consider the following and then see if you can match them to the manufacturers:
“We build sports cars that satisfy our desires and fulfill our fantasies. Beyond that we don’t give a shit what you think. That is all.”
"We’ve already totally redesigned this thing aiming for an intro next January, but in the meantime we’re bringing out this tricked-out Black Edition because our dealers have to be able to move some lame-duck metal and we’re totally out of ideas.”
“Every other high-performance SUV in the class should immediately be put on the trailer. We will dominate the segment with our unbridled talent, vision, engineering know-how and sheer force of will. Thank you for coming.”
“I actually don’t know why we even bothered. We have a totally average SUV indistinguishable from oh, about fifteen others. When’s lunch?”
“I like where we’re at. Our dealers like where we’re at too. We’re up in sales for the eighth year in a row, and no one has a clue as to how we’re doing it - well, except for the overabundance of subprime financing and slamming enough cash down on the hood to leave a dent.”
“This sports sedan will humiliate all other sport sedans that came before it. It has more flair in its shift knob than others have in their entire portfolio. It will become the top sports sedan in the segment within two years. I am absolutely certain of it. When will dealers have them in stock? Why do you ask such stupid questions?”
“We had a clue once, and for a brief shining moment we actually had it goin’ on. Now? We couldn’t hit these overreaching sales targets if our lives depended on it. Have you seen our product lineup? It’s like a collective rolling monument to mediocrity. I’m the top sales guy, at least for now. Or at least until headquarters realizes I’m an American and I’ve been here 27 months. Which is about three months too long.”
“Our plan is working. And our dealers are aligned with it. We have eliminated the stragglers and we have new product in place or on the way that will redefine the brand for a profitable and successful future. Yes, of course we’re still totally reliant on gigantic luxury SUVs for our very existence and probably will be for the foreseeable future, so what’s your point?” (“INSIDER SOUND BITES FROM THE NEW YORK AUTO SHOW.” -3/23)
There should have been signs placed at the Nissan display in New York with the words: “Nothing to see here, move it along.” Nissan has been phoning it in for so long with GT-R that the New York two-step with it was the absolute final straw. The GT-R was relentlessly overhyped by the fan boys in the media when it was first introduced, and it has simply been on a downhill slide of irrelevance ever since. At the time of its intro the car was in fact bloated, complicated and replete with a design “language” that was shockingly uninspired right out of the gate. And the new car? Please. There should have been signs placed at the Nissan display in New York with the words: “Nothing to see here, move it along” because there was simply no “there” there. What a miserable excuse for a “new” car intro. As I’ve said repeatedly in this column, Nissan finds success in this market in spite of itself. The cars just aren’t that good and the advertising is truly pathetic, and in fact I am convinced that people buy them as much to avoid consorting with a domestic-sourced product as anything else. If Ghosn and his posse want to call that “having it goin’ on” then fine, after all, we’re talking about a bunch that are enthralled with the dulcet tones of their own thought balloons to a fault. To me it just reinforces the notion that there must be some magic mirrors sprinkled around the Nissan Empire, because Nissan’s image of itself so far overshoots the reality that it’s shocking. (“THE POST-NEW YORK AUTO SHOW BLUES.” -3/30)
I have never read such a disgusting display of “work” by so-called professional journalists in my life. By the time the collective media stumble bums were finished gushing over Elon Musk and the Model 3, and regurgitating their “reports” in various media platforms, one could deduce the following: 1. This car was not only the greatest thing since sliced bread; it would change the world as we know it, turning it into a wondrous place of bunny rabbits and rainbows devoid of wars, poverty and suffering. 2. It would immediately humble cars costing twice as much due to its undeniable, all-encompassing brilliance. And 3. The car represents such a fundamental shift in the Autosphere that it could conceivably put all of the existing “poseur” car companies, some of which have been accumulating transportation knowledge for well over 100 years, immediately out of business. One esteemed member of the media - and an over-the-top, electric car zealot to boot (tediously so, I might add) - even went so far as to explain that the Model 3 was such a breakthrough because, lo and behold, it had been designed from the beginning to be an electric car! As if this had never been thought of, or done, by anybody before. At which point I knew that the whole thing had turned into a circus of irrational thinking and an orchestrated – and ugly - cessation of reality. (“BEHOLD THE CAR THAT PROMISES ETERNAL LIFE.” -4/6)
Over the course of writing for Autoextremist.com I have come to occupy a very strange place when it comes to General Motors, sort of a Twilight Zone made up of a brutal and at times ugly dichotomy. On the one hand, to most of the GM hierarchy I am an avowed Enemy of the State, a scurrilous, reprehensible lout who has done more damage to their efforts than anyone else covering the industry, by far. Dismissing established – and hoary – rules of engagement, I have decimated GM’s coldly calculated PR machine and delivered scathing blow after blow to a company that more often than not richly deserved it – and more – by documenting every excruciating misstep and blunder. And what makes it even more infuriating for the powers that be in those Silver Silos hard by the Detroit River is that I have a rather unique perspective that spans GM’s roller-coaster eras, from the sublime, to the ridiculous and back - almost - again. I was there for the company’s heyday, and then some. Thanks to my father, Tony, who led GM’s Public Relations function from 1957 until 1979, our family was on a first-name basis with some of the most famous legends in the business. And this unique perspective, along with my own advertising career, which gave me an up close and personal view of GM’s long, slow slide to oblivion firsthand, has allowed me to see through many of the canards put forth by the company in its modern era. Make no mistake - this is a giant bowl of Not Good from GM’s perspective. (4/13)
But on th