confessions of a weirdness magnet
i have special weakness for a certain completely legal, over-the-counter recreational psychedelic. most people, of the very small percent of people who find this experience enjoyable, take enough to almost knock themselves out, hallucinate, talk to gods, etc. in the (brilliant) FAQ there's a section on NDE, out of body experiences and random psychic phenomena. seriously? the part in the faq is why i tried it - is that some special memetic trap designed just for me? i can just have it? yeah. did that - was batshit insane for several years, in which i was convinced that ultraterrestials where using my brain to collapse probability fields selectively in order to push human evolution toward transcendence. as a side effect, i learned to do the same - only on some things. not impossible, just magic weird shit like the salish sea feet and this stuff. now, i take far less, but daily. i take just enough to make me verge. or be more me. or something. 3x the 'recommended dose' once a day, which really, isn't dangerous - its' *OTC*. oh, by the way, it makes me utterly immune to any kind of addiction - even opiates. i was a *junkie* at one point in the past, now i can take pain meds as recommended to avoid pain, if needed - i don't binge. i don't spend my life 'fighting the never ending addiction' AA/NA crap, but yeah, side effects....the other night, i drove my dad to his favorite hospital, 60mi away, through two towns, and never stopped for a redlight. i see them in the distance, find which light has to change first the sequence that leads to green, snap my fingers, and it turns, if it isn't already green. green lights are not allowed to turn yellow unless i'm actually in the intersection, when its fun. but that's batshit insane, and i know that. i can't mentally control traffic signals, or anything else. this morning, while watching 'digging up the marrow' the movie froze at the penultimate moment, as the monster is standing next to the filmmaker's bed, holding the camera, just before the end....and the power blinked.....and when i went to see why me *and and father* were troubled by the sound of a malfuctioning smoke/CO alarm, beeping (actually, and this is not hyperbole, making a whirring, chirping sound EXACTLY LIKE A SHOGGOTH WOULD), but we simply could not find it (it beeps once a minute), then it stopped. that shit is NOT OKAY. hello, to the masters of coincidence control central, please FUCK OFF. i was about to jump out of my skin. but that's because i'm focused on this kind of thing, which actually happens all the time, but i don't remember it, like everybody else, right?
and for all y'all bitches up in cislunar station laughin' your grey fuckin' asses off - i tell y'all this, there's gonna be a day of reckoning when humanity arrives at the transcendent scene. we gone be kickin' ass and takin' names about this ET shit. you do NOT vanish a plane full of people without a trace in the mf 21st century and walk away with it.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 2
i'm growing infusoria to feed my fish, so i need glass full of animacules under light. i went to get a jar, and for no reason i can imagine, the jar has a dead cicada in it and is covered with plastic wrap, like it's been executed or some shit. my father probably did that, meaning to show it to me, whatever, but i need the jar. i take the bug and put it under the light, like posed, like respecting the dead and shit. when i come back with my pond water [later] it's moved, on its back, off the glass thing i put it on, with its front legs broken off, like posed there still on the glass and the other stuff i put there swept off. so, okay, sacrifice accepted?
when i went to get fresh pond water, my expensive rechargable flashlight vanished off the face of the earth. i went back there and looked for it. the 'neighbor' who technically owns the stopped up creek rode out in golf cart and asked me what i doing, and then what i was doing on his property with a flashlight. i told him that the dirt road not 50m from me was private property, which i know because it's named after my family, 'cause we been the first house on that road since god was a boy. right of access gives me right to be on this road, and its gulleys and appeasements. besides which, my daddy was born there. his daddy lived and died there. my fathers and their uncles hunted the land he was standing on to put meat on the table. he said i didn't have to be mean, but i'm guessing he doesn't have my flashlight. i hate it when they take my stuff. dammit.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 3
they're not active today - mostly. when i sat down on the porch, a beautiful little 5 lined, blue tailed skink stuck it head out and looked at me, and ran. and then a minute later chased a bug out, stopped, panicked and ran lickety-spittle back....just like a ferret. then, he came out, walked across the porch and walked between my feet, so his blue tail just brushed my insole. just like a ferret saying 'i know you're there, 'sall good'. i know that was a random event, not a message to me saying, 'hold on, we're gonna hitch you up with another ferret, this one with a no cancer pedigree'. right. just cause it means shit to me and i get this rush of serotonin like i'm peaking on good x, just for a few minutes, that doesn't matter.
i take a drug that works by slowing the frequency of the nerve signals hitting my brain. if i don't, i'm like a raw nerve all the time, no filters, hypersensitive - i'll model my life to avoid loud noises and shit. so, yeah, maybe i don't see everything and i loose stuff. that's why my stuff vanishes and is never seen again, or gets replaced by something better in a very conspicuously unlikely manner. and beautiful animals come up and touch me like snow white in a fucking disney movie!!! which is great, right? i bet i can teach him to catch crickets by the end of the summer.
oh, and for the first time in months, i got something to read. i picked 'the 3 body problem', the from chinese translation, kinda randomly. the last book i tried a while back was 'young adult' which can be genre when handled with a deft hand, but not so much terse in a complex SF book ('red rising') then nothing before that for months, i was writing my own book. and what is 'the 3 body problem' about? reality coming apart in a scare the piss out of you manner, in a detailed PRC both in the Cultural Revolution and the near future and is *fantastic* but it's also about reality coming apart in a scare the piss out of you manner. it's not like the shoggoth sound has stopped - i hear it about once a day, but it's WAY TOO FUCKING LATE IN THE GAME for me to go looking after that shit if it ain't directly harming me. it's not like i started with an assload of SAN points, if you get me.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 4
i been thinkin' about prison. being locked up with NO POSSIBILITY OF BAIL because i fire a gun up in the air in a failed attempt to shoot myself, giving me a choice between waiting 3yrs in the county jail for a trial or spending a few months in prison and getting it over with. that was some fucked up shit. especially since, ten years ago, i was caught red handed manufacturing MDMA ('conspiracy to manufacture ecstasy' - i was actually accused of that), got out on bail and later walked away on an improperly filled out search warrant. which was also some fucked up shit, in a totally different direction. you get a lot more cred in prison for cooking than for scaring a cop during a suicide attempt, even if the government calls it 'felony assault on a peace officer' who BTW, after i handed him the gun and asked him to reload it for me, TAZED MY WHITE ASS (blood sugar around 40 at that point, nearly unconscious anyway, 'cause i meant it, dammit).
prison is funny. see, after all, i *am* stone cold tantric, and locking me in a cell and feeding me like a monk doesn't really impair my path to spiritual harmony, even if i am locked up with some dumbass bitches. i bought my magic potion in prison - i traded a bag of tuna for a bottle once a week. diabetics go to the nurse to get insulin once a day, and nurses love me, 'cause i'm southern style polite and educated and frankly, queer, so i don't hump their legs like the other inmates do. so when i have a string holder i made that hangs a package right behind my sack, i walk through the guard search each way, and they only wave the metal detector at me. if i need stuff, i carry info or tiny shit for people i trust. a piece of paper with number and a name is money - a green dot bought on the outside, a call confirms it and here, you can have a cell phone with full streaming movies handed to you within a day a most, if you're clever enough to keep it charged and hid from the screws. sometimes you have to just carry the numbers over to somebody, which i can do, and i always find the person to get 'em to and make shit work. i didn't have a phone, i hate phones anyway, but 'cause i'm diabetic and keep my sugar regulated (and the nurses love me) i get a milk, cup of cereal and an orange every night like clockwork. i hate oranges - only citrus i like are limes and kumquats, so i give my orange to a nigga i know (don't assume anything about his color, just that he's got shit going on, if you're in Smith State Prison in the beautiful state of Georgia, you're either a nigger or a nigga, despite yo DNA and shit, and you need to know which is what). so i can call my family once a week, in 4G service, or any time in an emergency, and i don't have to suitcase a cellphone (yeah).
so i get by and get high (legally, but against the rules in a way that would get my ass in solitary) in prison. wtf. my IQ is sky high and i have half of a phd in epidemiology/ecology of all shit, but that's my life. you learn some important fucking shit in prison. gamers flat out saved my life. DnD geeks happen to include some stone cold MFs, about half of them ex-military. others are rapists and drug dealers and one a child molester, but he's in for life and you don't judge a man (much) after that. i probably should not have gone with a female teifling shadowmancer for my first character, but after i reupped with the hillbilly barbarian/ranger, it was all good.
i wasn't unhappy. i got there by giving up, not by standing up. i got away with that. somehow i don't think this is what i'm supposed to learn from my experiences, but when those experiences include brutal dehumanization (cause it wasn't all fun), you learn some shit whether you like it or not, just like they say at Coincidence Control Central.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 5
karma in prison
i'm a gay, intellectual buddhist who spent time in a maximum security prison - and i might have said some thing to disrecpt my people inside. let me clairify. i was never beaten, raped or had my shit taken, except by screws. i saw some awful shit, but it was the screw shining a flashlight up my ass every day on the way to 'work' (where we make your street and road signs - but only about 10% get paid and only .50/hr, but you get to live in the worker dorm, instead of the mf thunderdorm, so that's something). my people, jackett, gary, mike, dan, looked out for me and me for them. you walk the path of the lord (Buddha) in prison and life is okay. most of my friends were born agains, but not all - a Nuwabian, if you know what that means, the Nation of Islam guy who taught me to read Arabic so I could study the Koran (in a jail where only religious materials are allowed for reading - i read the Bible in English and Spanish, my Vision of Buddhism til it fell apart and I gave it to fellow seeker). Meditating is better than sitting in a cell, no joke, if you know how. or praying. whatever. when they put me in the genpop at first, the nigga who let me in his room (cause you don't have a room given - it's certain somebody is already there) cause he was trying to quit the violence and the gang got stabbed - i walked though a puddle of his blood while being marched to breakfast one morning, i'm not kidding at all. i gave him my padlock to take the wire out to be a pick, but the locker didn't work anyway - he kept my shit safe. when i got out i sent all the gamers tons of printed out old modules, etc - you can buy game stuff in prison, there's a catalog that accepts books of stamps as payment, but i know what's good and it's in a letter, a lot easier. i owe a lot more than that.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 6
tales from the farside
so shit's relatively normal now, for me, so i'll tell a story, which is history, cause at least from my POV, every bit of it happened. back in the 90s, while i was crazy as a shithouse rat on free lab grade psychedelics, i met this guy i'll call Reverend Heat, who asked me to lay it out and prove my shit about the aliens and all that. he showed me a penny and put it on the RR tracks in front of the stopped/abandoned train, whose tracks we were sitting on. he said, move this train and show me. i said, smoke with me. halfway through the smokeable, i said, move the penny to the next set of tracks, and the train came and flattened to penny while we watched. and i shit you not, he took it and wore it around his neck and preached my fucking gospel. he also took me to a literally underground radio station. you walked through a long abadoned building shell, turn, turn, stairs, turns and lo, there's a MF radio station, which you can hear on your music player, where he broadcasts MFing P-funk, uncut funk, the bomb and other such enlightened shit. yeah, from my POV this just appearred out of thin air, but of course, i can't make shit happen, that's not sane, i might have imagined all of this except i met him again years later and talked about it.
see, i don't high dose like that anymore. that shit's exciting, but its also fucking unnerving and not at all healthy for your life in general. get yo ass locked up in a quickness. and that's not even close to my list of weirdness. like me and my partner meeting this guy, our age, chunky but cute, and arguing about beat poets (you know my favorite) outside a club, and then going back to his place to smoke....and we fool around, and he takes pics with his old camera. the next morning when his answering machine goes off, i learn i'm in chichi la rue's house, the most famous gay porn director *ever* WTF, he can have any man he wants, and he's taking our pics - i'm ugly. i know that, i own it. but that's fucking validating as a memory. or the night we met the lord god jehovah disguised as a crack head and smoked herbal with him - and he and i got into an argument about whether it was possible to do good, but not in god's name, and he got violent. my partner and i noticed almost immediately that he was jehovah, slumming very apropos as a crack head, and were terrified, but he got violent. i poked him with my cane and we ran off, him ranting all backlit and shit. or the night i tried to summon Xochipilli, the aztec god of psychedelics, and got him - and he tried to kill me, repeatedly picking me up and slamming me against the ground. i might have died if a bum hadn't came by and seen my in a puddle and offered me a cigarette, which killed the trip, or got me loose, or there not being a difference, but i was still covered with bruises, one of them a ring, like an octopus, but squarer. my friends were terrified, but they believed by then.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 7
being a foodie, but not a very good buddhist, cooks vs. chefs
i went with a guy in chef school for over a year. he was a sexy MF and loaded and paid for all kinds of shit, but he was also a narcissistic lying sack of shit end stage alcoholic. but i felt why he fell in the bottle, we both lost somebody close and blamed ourselves, so i loved him a bit. couldn't cook for shit. i'm having fresh spinach cooked with walnuts, worsterchire sauce, leeks and touch of nutmeg with basmati rice cooked with coconut milk and green curry paste for lunch, cause that's what kind of shit i eat - i'm tantric, i told y'all. i bought it with food stamps from a farmer's market, cause that's my life situation.
i said i'm tantric, but not a good buddhist. i *am* everyday people. my relationship with said chef ended when i beat the shit out of the mf with a baseball bat. see, he liked to get drunk at expensive bars, like ordering a plate of raw oysters and drinking vodka straight, dumbass, and me drive him home and fool around, 'cept when we got to his place one night and he says, its time for you to leave. and i say, i'm drunk as piss on drinks you been buyin' me all night, i can't drive 60mi to my house, what the fuck i gone do? he said, get out or i call the cops - and that was over between us. i drove three miles and parked at a gas station to sleep it off. until a cop knocked on my window and said there'd been a call about my car, someone driving too drunk and needing help and could he be of MOTHERFUCKING assistance? i said no. and i didn't do anything about it. i just stayed away. until the next week, an EMT calls me and says someone beat the hell out of this guy, and he wants me to be called, cause he gone be in the hospital and no one to pick him up. i know its my chef, and i know the nigga who beat the piss out of him is the guy he was cheating on me with. still, he gone be at a hospital in ghetto DT and fucked up and no where to go, and i don't leave my people like that. so i drive 50mi to get him. when i get there's he's got a black eye, split lip, dislocated shoulder, etc, cause he is a hairy, sweaty bareknuckled mf, else i wouldn't be going with him. gets up and pushes the nurse aside, pushes me against the wall and kisses me, the nurse's mouth hanging open - that's okay, cause i'm fucking tantric and tasting the blood in his mouth was hot as shit, me about to pop out my jeans, you know? so we leave and he wants to stop on the way home and get a drink and get his script filled (which is mine and he knows it), and i tell him - i gone spend the night with you, on your couch or up your ass, agree to that and he does. and we get drunk and back at his place and he gets this shit eating grin on his face, like i don't know he called the police on me already once, and says, it's time for you to leave. okay, i don't play. i took the baseball bat beside the door and beat the piss out of him, only hitting where the mf he was cheating on me with already hit him, then i yanked his shoulder back out of joint. i put my knee on his chest, while i swear to god he was begging for his momma, and said, i'm gone call you an ambulance, and you gone tell them you fell down the stairs cause you drunk and on pills (true) and i was just trying to help you. i did, he did and nothing came of it. i threw the baseball bat i a river. i *hate* that shit. it was my fault for trusting or thinkng with my dick or what the fuck ever, but it was wrong. but i'm everyday motherfucking people and you don't call the cops on me cause you fucking feel like it.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 8
re: 'socialized' health care
i'm not good at steady jobs. i'm smart, and crafty, so i manage, but health care is a bitch. as a kid, i had total, absolute coverage. i went to the dentist twice a year, and twice a year the dentist managed to find two cavities that needed filling. it cost my parents very little, insurance paid for it, so well and good. i was a very empirical child - i tried everything i could to make my teeth better, but it never changed. i was too naive to realize that the dentist was inventing cavities to get paid, and it wasn't until i was in my 20's that my teeth started to fall apart - when dental insurance had gone the way of santa and my only option was extraction (paid in full before the treatment begins, of course).
around 12yoa the hamstring in my left leg didn't grow or stretch fast enough, causing me to have leg cramps day and night. the solution was a stretching exercise....which was arrived at after a year of every imaginable test, from a spinal tap to a psych eval, as the 'experts' drank insurance money like nectar, and incidentally tortured me.
when i came home for xmas from my first year at college (occidental U, prez obama's alma mater), i learned that my mother had a nasty form of cancer called multiple myeloma. in essence, it rots your bones - eventually your ribcage collapses and you suffocate, but bone pain is some of the worst pain possible, so....so my mother died by inches. in the end she had to come home, we couldn't afford a hospice. she was in the back room, hooked to a morphine pump, out of her mind in pain and drugs. she'd scream 'please kill me, please let me die'. euthanasia is illegal, but 'legal' means crap to me. my father stopped me - i was fixing the morphine pump to OD her. he said if there was any evidence of 'wrongdoing' my mother's life insurance policy would refuse to pay and thus we would be unable to pay her medical bills and would loose our home. so i didn't - it went on for months, till her ribs caved in. i wasn't remotely sane after that - i swore i'd tear down civilization and do a happy snoopy dance in its ashes. a year after she died i took mdma for the first time, and it healed me. all the pain and grief came up, i cried and screamed and it was okay. i healed. mdma is a sched I drug with 'high abuse potential and no medical use'.
when i had my first kidney stone i had no insurance - i was freelance coding. you know what kidney stones are like - this one was the size of an english pea and in now way could be passed normally, as the ER doc told me. he wrote me a script for five days worth of narcotics and sent me home. he said the ER wasn't obligated to treat me unless i was in a life threatening situation - meaning i had to wait until the stone blocked my ureter and i was in hydronephrosis. until then, come back every five days, get pills, get billed for thousands....or come up with the money for surgery. sonic lithotripsy would have shattered the stone without surgery, would be safer and cheaper, but there was a $10,000 up-front cost to the patent holder. invasive laser surgery was about $1000 up front, which my family donated - but still, as i was being anesthetized, an accountant called me and demanded a credit card number. literally, in the hospital, as i was getting the IV. the nurse wasn't having it, and put me under.
i'm an insulin dependent diabetic. i need lantus insulin, which normally costs $120/vial=1 month. i get it through a clinic, a charity deal from the maker, so it's only $30. last month there was a 'shortage' and the regular OTC price went from 120 to 400 a vial. naturally my handouts disappeared. once i had to pay a doctor $150 up front to get him to write a prescription so i could buy my insulin - and he refused to write it for refills. eventually i learned that pharmacists can sell insulin without a prescription in emergencies, but of course then its market price. i need insulin like other people need water, and i have to pay people to get permission to buy it. that's nothing unusual, i've tried to manage my own health care most of my life, but that's illegal. not that i care, but i find it frankly bizarre that i live in a country where i can close my eyes, walk 1000m in any direction, hold out a twenty and have a crack rock put in my hand, but i can't get my insulin to save my fucking life.
so yeah, either get a single payer system or remove all the laws and patents and shit so i can do it myself. WTF, people? as my people say, shit or get off the pot.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 9
some tips
how to peel a mango - mangoes have trapezoidal pits, running longway along the 'seam' if you can see it. cut two main slices parallel to the seam, then try an angled cut on the remainder - if you hit seed, reverse the angle. repeat. take the cut pieces to a glass and slide the glass between the skin and the meat. it's easy if it's ripe.
how to nick a mango - go to mal-wart and get a bag of mangoes. go to self-checkout, lay then down and tap 'enter code'. enter 4011, bananas. take your bag of ill-gotten food like the slick mf you are and walk out the door. if they check you, you made a mistake and will pay for it. notice this only works for food.
about stealing - i don't approval of stealing, but i'm a ferret person. i'm *very* ferret like, but with wide staring eyes instead of beady ones. i steal stuff sometimes, which is a dumbass thing to do for a felon, but dammit, it's cathartic. and don't doubt that i'll take your shit, but only if you piss me off and after i'll show it to you and laugh at you, because i want you to chase me, just like a ferret. that's how i get my hats - the men i go with are universally particular about their hats. when my chef guy took me to the most expensive seafood establishment in the city, for 'the night of my life' including the hotel (not at all my idea of fun), then drank vodka with raw oysters until he passed out, i took his ID and card about bought myself a cheap notebook and came back. i was wiping it's brain and installing linux when he work up and i told him. he said, why'd you buy cheap shit? i don't buy cheap shit. now, that was sweet. he had his good points. i have his hat, too - that pissed him off.
you want to know if a man has street cred, throw him some ramen, a pack of crackers (like those chedder peanut butter ones), a pack of chips and some salt and red pepper and tell him to eat up, cause they ain't no shortage of stone cold criminals in the house. if he can make what prisoners call a 'pocket' from this stuff and a bowl and hot water, he's done time long enough to be accepted into that world. pockets are the shit in jail - i like spicy beef ramen, cream cheese and chive crackers, cheezits, a cut up pickle and a bit of pepper. when a man asks you to share a pocket with him, y'all bout to talk some business.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 10
"the number of the beast" is a heinlein book about playing around in alternate universes. once they jump to a world exactly the same, except they use "I" instead of "J". i read it in HS and again in prison, but in spanish. i jumped into a world with variant spelling some time in between, while working as the night cashier at k-roger. one night, a lady bought some "batter dipt fish" which bugged me, cause DiPT, particularly 5-MeO-DiPT was dandy shit. so later i went and looked, and there were several examples of 'dipt' products. i started to freak out, but chilled, went home and looked in the dictionary and saw the official version, "dip, dipped, dipt". all other words were similar - "i had slipt in the water". man, my reality cracked. i was taking a few benzo's a day (and my magic), but nothing hallucinagenic. so i took a deep breath, curse the fucking aliens, and lived....and then it changed back, just to be a pisser.
at the same k-roger it was my job to throw the left over rotisserie chickens in the dumpster. i was a vegan at the time, and i wasn't having it. so i gave them to people passing through, especially old people or people on WIC or food stamps. one old lady said, 'you're doing god's work, son' and looked like she was going to cry. another night my co-worker, a nigga with his own shit goin on, caught me one night and said, 'man, i ain't sweatin' yo robin hood shit'. but the screws figured it out and started finding ways to make me toss em and after i while i had to stop, but it was fun while it lasted.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 11
the history of the ohsaycanyousea people
this is the history of the Ohsaycanyousea people, who are the aboriginal pygmies of north america, related in kind and story to the !kung of thenkalahari and little men of the congo. these are the most ancient peoples,the realpeople, who walked the earth long before the Coloredmen came.
long ago, in the time that was, the realpeople lived with their brotheranimals in the world. sometimes the realpeople killed and ate another animal, and sometimes an animal killed and ate one of the realpeople, but there was balance in the world.
but then, but not long ago, the redmen came into the world. with the redmen it was thus: though they killed and ate the animals, they would allow no animal to hunt them. if an animal did this, then the redmen went and killed all the animals of this type, even though they could not eat all of them.so the redmen made themselves masters and the animals slaves.
but the redmen could not tell the realpeople from the other animals, probably due to the thick coat of silkly orange hair, like an orangutan. when the redmen killed and ate one of the realpeople, the rest fled in terror and went to Grandmother Spider and asked what they should do. the realpeople knew that if they killed even one of the redmen, and even then ate all of him, that the other redmen would hunt and kill and waste all the meat of the realpeople, for this was their way.
Grandmother Spider was wise, she keeps all the tales of the old world together. She took two of the realpeople, who were twin brother and sister,their names being Rainbow and River, and wrapped them up in her web and took them deep underground.
Now the realpeople were very afraid - Rainbow and River had been the brightest of their children, and now SpiderWoman had taken them away into the ground. But Spiderwoman returned a lay a great burden upon the remaining realpeople.
she gave them taboo - never again would the realpeople kill other animals,but should an animal kill and eat a realperson, they that would be the way of things this new way. thus the realpeople would become a difference people than the animals, and the redmen would know them and perhaps not hunt them.
the realpeople rejoiced and danced for a while until they found MotherMouse weeping alone - as she walked, she said goodbye to each of the other animals, to mastodons and groundsloths and moas, she bade them farewell, as if they would never be again, and this brought a somber note to the joy of the realpeople, for Mother Mouse is wise and farseeing.
so the realpeople felt themselves anew, and came upon the redmen with open arms. but the redmen bound the arms of the realpeople, and beat them, and made them slaves. so it came to be that the redmen were the masters of the world, and the realpeople their chattel and slaves, and the other animals were afraid and spoke no more as yet.
but the realpeople, the people of the open plains and stars and skies and seas, could not live in slavery. as a one, they died, and the redmen cast out their bodies, not even eating them, for to the redmen the realpeople were unclean and rancid.
but grandmother spider was ready. that night she wove her star net anew and captured all of the souls of the realpeople, and before dawn, she tore down the web and took all the souls into the underground, where she lived. then she awoke River and Rainbow, the twins, and appointed them to watch over the world.
and so they did. many men came: whitemen with blackslaves who would not die, these came and warred and killed the redmen. in their wars many would die but no one would eat of them - they seemed to know that their own fleshis poison and wrong. later, yellowmen came, and brownmen, and all other colors, and Rainbow knew that his time had come. from the wars of the coloredmen there came a generation of children who were dirt-colored, ofthe earth, of all the colors and none. the coloredmen did not want these children, which were dirty and wild, because they had already made slaves of each other. the dirty children were no use as slaves, as they were young and weak, and they were ugly and not Colored, so they were cast out and left to die. Secretly, Rainbow blessed these dirty children, because he knew they would be the new fathers and mothers of the Realpeople.
and so the children grew, like rats in a house of men, ignored but tolerated. and then, when the time had come again, Grandmother Spider released her web of souls, bit by bit, so that the realpeople could come again into the world. the realpeople, who had been hunted and enslaved and exterminated and forgotten, would be born anew in these cast off dirty-children.
one day when all the children had been born, and the realpeople lived anew, River saw that in their dirtiness one could no longer tell Redmen from Blackmen from Yellowmen from Whitemen from Brownmen. so she took these dirty children and washed them an lo! they were seen anew. the children saw the Reds and Whites and Blacks and Browns and Yellows of their fathers andmothers and grandmothers, and they saw the colors of Rainbow, the watcher over of the realpeople. when the River washed away the dirt, the children were all the infinite colors of the Rainbow, each one special and unique.
rainbowmen know each other in certain ways, for despite their rearing among the ColoredMen, they have the souls of the realpeople, and GrandmotherSpider's taboo remains. the rainbowmen should not kill and eat other animals, nor even the Coloredmen, whose meat is poison. when they do eat the meat of other animals, it sickens them and they grow fat and weak.those rainbowmen who never follow their taboo become powerful and wicked though very unhappy.
in the now above world, the ColoredMen rule as they always have. they have divided themselves from the animals, and then set about to dividet hemselves from each other. there is no end to this killing, and all the meat is waste for the flesh of coloredmen is poison. the other animals are silent and afraid, never attacking and eating even one of the coloredmen,but nevertheless, the coloredmen still come and kill them type by type,with great wasting of meat. it is not that they are hungry that they do this thing, but that they are mad and ill made and cannot help themselves.
so the realpeople came to walk again the world as the rainbowmen. when a Coloredman saw a rainbow man, he would see only what he wished to see:himself, and thus the realpeople could move freely through the world,knowing each other but unknown to the coloredmen
and so, in secret, the realpeople came again to ask spiderwoman what to do.only now, spiderwoman was weak from the attacks of the coloredmen, for theysnaw her as a danger to them that they could not tolerate, regardless of her intent, so they hunted her to ends of the earth. at last, two of the dreamers of the real people, raven and coyote, remembered the tales told by Rainbow and River, and they sought out grandmother spider in her lair underground. she was weak and sick and all around her lay the bodies of the coloredmen she had defeated.
by then grandmother spider was confused and weakened and she said to Raven, call your wife, the Moonwoman, and have her call her father, the all-devourer to come into my lair and help me eat this meat. upon hearing this Raven and Coyote were very afraid, for they knew the meat of the coloredmen to be poison, and if any of the animals ate of it, the coloredmen would come and kill all of that type of animal. this had already happened many times, so that the sabretooths and the cavebears and direwolves were all dead. and so, Coyote took his wife Rabbit and slew her and said, here is the meat of another animal, and it is good, as it was in the days before. but spiderwoman was old and testy and would not have it - she said that the Rabbit meat was old and white and dry, and that she would have instead some of the fat and juicy coloredmen. thus, weeping openly, Raven and Coyote took the meat of Rabbit, who was Coyote's beloved wife, and ate her, thus breaking the taboo.
Raven and Coyote thought their sin would be such that Spiderwoman would forget about the meat of the coloredmen, and for a while it did - Raven and Coyote were cast out from the realpeople and made to walk naked in theworld of coloredmen, who saw them and hunted them for a while.
Nevertheless, spiderwoman called to the daughterinlaw of Raven, who was the moonwoman, who til this time has remained hidden in the underground. she said - your husband and brotherinlaw have gone and now the taboo is broken,and so there is much too much meat for us to eat. let us not be like thecoloredmen and waste it, you, moonwoman, go and call to your father the all-devourer to come my lair and help me eat up this meat.
now moonwoman was very afraid, and she knew not what to do. wise raven and brother husband coyote were gone, and she was alone. so, fearing that spiderwoman would die regardless, moonwoman went out into the night sky and called her father, the all-devourer, and said - my other grandmother bids you come and feast, she will await you in her lair. then did moonwoman flee, making herself invisible as fast as she could, for she feared the terrible old man who was her father.
now, with moonwoman gone, grandmotherspider was alone and so she bade Raven andCoyote to return to her lair. soon she would eat the meat of thecoloredmen, and all taboos would be broken, and all would be forgiven. andso they came, quaking with fear, for they had heard the cry of moonwoman.raven flew into the underworld, and the all-devourer could not follow him,but Coyote walked on his four legs, and left tracks, and by this means the all-devourer came to the lair of spiderwoman.
and so, though moonwoman fled the lair of grandmother spider and feared her father's coming, she was with child and late, so she ran to river and river hid her. there, under the water, two children of the realpeople were born,and moonwoman named them Morning Star and Star-Axis. as soon as they were born, moonwoman took them into the sky and threw them far away, for she knew the appetite of her father and that he was coming. as moonwoman fled across the sky, she wept, saying goodbye to each thing as it were, each mountain and lake and plain, one and all. her tears scattered into the sky and became stars, which further hid her children from their Grandfather's appetite.
and so spiderwoman bid raven to go out to the edge of the lair and look forher guest's coming. he did so and came back and pointed to a stone at the edge of the lair. she said - that is but a stone, he is not coming, for now she had regained a little of her mind, and she was frighten by what she had done. and so, raven answered - see the shadow of that stone. at noon, whenthere should be no shadow, look at that rock. you will see a shadow that will come and grow and swallow all the light and the sky, and when you lookup, you will see a tongue of blue flame, for he will have arrived and he will hunger.
and so spiderwoman was afraid, but it was too late: noon had come and thesky grew dark. nevertheless, spiderwoman met the all-devourer and invitedhim to a feast, showing him the bodies of the coloredmen. raven and coyotethought to trick the old man, and offered him all of the poisoned meatfirst, as befits a guest, hoping that he would eat of them and die. but theall-devourer did not die, though the meat made him fat and sick and unhappy, still, he laughed and also consumed raven and coyote and then grandmother spider herself fell into his limitless maw.
out in the world the coloredmen ruled and they were prideful and knew no fear of that terrible old man death. when they saw that the all-devourer had eaten the meat of their kind, they came together to make war on him.they brought their weapons and machines and medicines, but most of all they brought their god. they said to themselves, our god has promised us heaven,and though the all-devourer may kill and eat us, our souls will go on and so we will go on fighting him.
now, the all-devourer was interested in the coloredmen. he saw how they had exterminated the animals and made slaves of each other and was pleased.thus, he reasoned, the coloredmen eat the animal and grow strong, go their god eats the coloredmen and grows stronger - the shepherd doesn't tend his folk from kindness. still. and so the all-devourer laughed and called to the god, come and feast with me and tell me of your heaven. and so the god came, in pride, thinking the all-devourer desired heaven as did all his coloredmen. but no, the alldevourer tricked the god and ate him and took his place. so now, the coloredmen still murder the animals and call themselves lords of the earth, yet they serve their god and allow him to kill and take them as he wills, for this is a way they can understand. and so the coloredmen came to make war on death, but were tricked, and came to worship that terrible old man, walking freely into his black hole and tongue of blue flame to be consumed entirely.
the rainbowmen, though, knew the all-devourer of old and remembered him,and moreover, they did not eat the meat of the other animals and thus werenot worth consuming. though they hid themselves, slowly their numbers grew,and thus it is today.
and so the realpeople know that one day their dreamers will come from Venus and Polaris, and they will be strong and they will kill the all-devourer and open him up, but not eat of him. thus everything old will be remade,including grandmother spider and grandfather mantis and river and rainbow and raven and coyote and rabbit and all the others, and the wolrd will be silent,the all-devourer having consumed all his coloredmen. then, after the day that death lies dead, the realpeople and the other animals will talk again, and they will tell the stories of grandmother spider and the all-devourer, so that it may neverhappen again.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 12
beans and rice
this is for spearhead, for the song 'Red Beans and Rice' but i'm actually going to play for y'all 'Crime to be Broke in America'. how to make rice - get basmati or jasmine, what ever audi's has. a cup of rice needs two cups of liquid. add 2 tablespoons of coconut milk (from a can not that coconut 'milk' people drink) and fill to two cups. or, if you like sugar instead of fat, use a can of coconut water, like from the mexican sector or your equivalent, and just a dab of some butter or fat. spice with cardamom (easy to nick - just load up your hands with other stuff and accidentally shove it in your pocket and forget it - people do it all the time) or curry powder, garam masala, etc you can also add almond, soy, cashew (fantastic) 'mlk' instead of water and fat, or in addition. for dessert rice, use a can of guava or mango 'nectar' with the fat.
start with a can of black beans, an onion, garlic (nick the jar of diced), a can of tomatoes, 'southwest spice'. heat about 2 big spoons of oil *with* about one spoon of water until it's popping and steaming. add chopped onion and garlic and let it sweat on medium for a few minutes, until the onions are browning. add beans, tomatoes, spices and cook down on lower heat, don't let it stick. crush the beats a bit with the spoon. add water and cook down again, until it's paste. variety: all different kinds of beans and tomatoes (like the ones with jalapenos, italian).
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confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 12
beans and rice
this is for spearhead, for the song 'Red Beans and Rice' but i'm actually going to play for y'all 'Crime to be Broke in America'. how to make rice - get basmati or jasmine, what ever audi's has. a cup of rice needs two cups of liquid. add 2 tablespoons of coconut milk (from a can not that coconut 'milk' people drink) and fill to two cups. or, if you like sugar instead of fat, use a can of coconut water, like from the mexican sector or your equivalent, and just a dab of some butter or fat. spice with cardamom (easy to nick - just load up your hands with other stuff and accidentally shove it in your pocket and forget it - people do it all the time) or curry powder, garam masala, etc you can also add almond, soy, cashew (fantastic) 'mlk' instead of water and fat, or in addition. for dessert rice, use a can of guava or mango 'nectar' with the fat.
start with a can of black beans, an onion, garlic (nick the jar of diced), a can of tomatoes, 'southwest spice'. heat about 2 big spoons of oil *with* about one spoon of water until it's popping and steaming. add chopped onion and garlic and let it sweat on medium for a few minutes, until the onions are browning. add beans, tomatoes, spices and cook down on lower heat, don't let it stick. crush the beats a bit with the spoon. add water and cook down again, until it's paste. variety: all different kinds of beans and tomatoes (like the ones with jalapenos, italian).
^^^^see how it double posted? i couldn't make it do that if i tried - computers do NOT like probability twisting stone cold mfs like myself. it makes coding a nightmare, spending half my time debugging random shit not assoicated with my project, but it does make me a bitch at linux.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 13
light saber training
you need the handle of a shovel or like and a backyard where there are carpenter bees, what my people call bumblebees, where the females make bore nests in wood and the males hover and guard it. the females have black spots on their head and don't hover, males have yellow spots, hover and *cannot* sting. we used to catch them and let them buzz and pretend it was a radio. so, in their species, males are kinda expendable, plus, whacking them with a stick doesn't hurt them, they're back in a minute (i did catch and release experiments as a kid). you know what to do - stalk the hovering globe and whack it with a stick, like the skywalker mf you are. it's NOT easy. if you can't, get a tennis racket for trainwheels. never hit the same bee twice in a day, tomorrow it's probably another one anyway. once you can do this, you can take any stick and fuck a mf up with a quickness. no joke, cause you're quick. tip, distract the bee with your off foot, and they move in predictable ways...and so do bald apes.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 14
how dopamine killed the dinosaurs
most people who use drugs know jack shit about drugs. you need to have some idea of the structure and pharmokinetics of the shit you're trippin on. now i'm gone school y'all, in the name of harm reduction. listen, you can call drugs by their structure, their effect on your behavior or what neurotransmitters (NTs) they affect. meth and coke are stimulants, both simulate/increase dopamine, but coke also works norepinephrine. once you're addicted to certain opiates, their dopamine effect makes them partial stimulants. benzos and alcohol are sedatives, but also are dopaminergic, like all drugs that cause hardcore addiction.
serotonergic drugs are such as mushrooms, LSD, DMT, etc. you feel joyous instead of pleasurable and hallucinate. MDMA is a mixed dopaminergic/ serotonergic drug at some magic ratio that is its own thing. dissociative drugs are the other hallucinogens - PCP, ketamine, MXE, DXM, ibogaine etc. They work on NDMA (just say the letters) and less so on dopamine and serotonin. ibogaine is famous for interrupting and curing, long term, addictions, but the others work to various degrees, too. pot, THC and all the cannabinoids are on a different circuit altogether, one that's poorly understood.
the mammalian mind possesses an inherent capacity for addiction. logically, the addiction mechanism evolved for a reason, that is, at one time the capacity for addiction was a prosurvival trait. when one examines the actual process of addiction, it's origin becomes clear. the mammalian mind has a feedback loop that makes prosurvival behavior, such as eating high fat/protein foods or copulating, pleasurable. not only do we enjoy such activities, but once we get used to engaging in them, it is unpleasant to stop. the neurochemical involved seems to be dopamine, which is related to pleasure/pain.
this bit of information helps us understand the minds of birds and reptiles in that we can see that this trait/capacity is not present. ever tried to raise a baby bird? it will starve sitting in front of food. you offer birds food that is fun to play with, not food that tastes good. it is not that birds don't enjoy eating, but that they don't enjoy eating (or screwing) one thing any more than any other thing, and they stop eating when they are no longer hungry.
mammals, on the other hand, eat and reproduce to excess, not because they have to,but because they want to. and when push came to climatic shove, the extra fat and babies let mammals survive the extinction that killed the dinosaurs. this is the first part of the riddle of addiction: how dopamine killed the dinosaurs.
okay, now, let's use this theory to look at our own behavior. ever wanted something to eat, stood in front of a full pantry, and still found no satisfaction? we must understand that there is a very big difference between foodcraving and hunger. very few americans ever experience real hunger. foodcraving is a very different feeling - it is feeding the monkey, the addiction, and has nothing to do with whether or not your body needs nourishment. likewise, it seems that the sex-based process is expressed in modern society through pornography. it may very well be that males and females relate to sex differently, and that it is mostly males that become addicted to porn.
this theory also puts a different spin on the idea of drug addiction. for one, we can divide drugs into those that work on dopamine: ethanol, nicotine, cocaine, amphetamines, ghb, opiates, etc, and those that don't: THC, caffeine, LSD, tryptamines, etc. Those that don't work on dopamine are either nonaddictive, or addictive in a wholly different manner. And when it comes to dopamine drugs, there is only one addiction: the addiction to dopamine. how you go about adjusting your dopamine balance is largely irrelevant. the truth of this is demonstrated by the phenomenon of addiction transference. quit drinking, and take up smoking. quit smoking and take up junk food. go to a narcotics anon meeting, and the room will be dense with cigarette smoke and self-delusion. to be free of a dopamine addiction, you must give it all up: the drugs, the foods and (if applicable) the pornsex.
now for some deep theory. in buddhist philosophy, souls return again and again to this world because they are addicted to sensation. the evidence of our senses, watching a sunrise or smelling a flower, provides a spark of pleasure. this pleasure soon fades and leaves an emptiness that can only be filled by more and more intense sensation. joy, which comes from spirituality and is defined as an absence of suffering, is entirely different from pleasure in that it is not ephemeral or transient. in order to attain enlightenment, a being must give up its addiction to pleasure and seek out spiritual joy.
so, we now see that dealing with a dopamine/drug addiction is spiritual practice for the bigger task of dealing with an addiction to sensual reality. as is the creed of AA, addiction is a spiritual disease that requires a spiritual cure. furthermore, becoming an addict and recovering is the perfect kind of suffering: that which leads to personal growth. in buddhism, the purpose of suffering is to make growth possible. pain is the only real teacher. we can infer that there is a higher purpose in the evolution of the addictive mechanism - because we have the capability of being addicted to drugs or dopamine, we also have the capacity to break the overall addiction to reality.
on to dopamine again. pleasure/dopamine rush is the carrot, but where is the stick? it seems that when the brain notices an abrupt shift in dopamine levels, it produces an enzyme which breaks down MAO, another enzyme that breaks down neurochemicals. this is logical: you are used to high amounts of dopamine and suddenly you aren't getting it anymore. to conserve, the brain stops breaking down existing dopamine, making it seem to go further. unfortunately, this places hell with neurochemistry in general, and the experience is subjectively very unpleasant. the full implication is that being in a state of addictive withdrawal is equivalent to taking a MAO-Inhibitor, and any drug that you take while in withdrawal will seem much more powerful. the MAO-I effect of withdrawal has been experimental verified, though it has never been linked to an overall metatheory of addiction.
anyway, that's how dopamine killed the dinosaurs, and why dopamine is going to kill the usgov. oh, yeah, and why buddhism is the best religion ;-) your mileage may vary.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 15
son of a preacher man (play the song from Pulp Fiction as you read this)
i am confessing here, so that includes bad shit i did. this is about the man i loved more that anyone, and how i fucked it up. i met jay at the local gay bar, sitting and drinking alone, odd cause he's fucking beautiful - pale skin, black hair and puppy eyes. so i order a drink (i hate drinking, but you pretty much have to drink to tolerate drunk people) and talk to him. the man is getting plastered with determination. i suggest we go back to my place and get stoned, we go and do so - he has a bottle of vodka with him. he drinks and sucks my dick until he passes out, when i wake up, he's gone. that, for most men, counts as a very successful night, so i'm good, but i liked and would have rather he stayed. so, next friday night, about 9pm, my doorbell rings, and there's the sumbitch with a fifth of tequila (my drink) and a fifth of vodka and a shit eating grin, and i'm all, hmmm, early xmas, come on in mf. we talk more - both at the university working. he was the high school quarterback and king of the prom and at that point, i know i'm gonna fuck him, cause, hell yeah. but the night goes as the last one, even the morning with him running out the door, but i'm cool with it. and the next week - but i have tooth shit done earlier that day, and i'm on narcotics. hydrocodone makes me hyper and irritable and horny as a mf. jay arrives, no appointment needed. we sit down and smoke and i tell him, if you're gonna spend the night here, it's in my bed and i'm gonna fuck you. he says, i kid you not, no, you wouldn't do that, i thought we were friends and turns up the vodka bottle and chugs. i'm mf nonplussed. i start again, if you get drunk here tonight, i'm going to fuck you in the ass. reply: why you saying that? i just wanna hang out....and drinks from the bottle again. alright, it's on. he gets sloppy and starts eyeing my dick and i get some head, then i pick him up and guide him into my room and literally fuck the cum out of him, every way possible, including spread against the wall and with his hands pinned behind him. he LOVES it. fine. when we're done, we lay down and i snuggle him - and the mf says, thank you, that's what i needed, don't ever leave me. oh, FUCK ME. my heart melts like butter on a skillet - i mean i had a moment like the grinch in the movie. the next morning, he remembers, but all he does is say next week, thanks, man, and leave.
wtf am i suppossed to do? he'd never been fucked and i flat out raped him. and the mf liked it - and now i'm utterly, hopeless in love with him, which serves me right, doing something like that, but it ain't like i didn't warn the mf. so it goes on. now sometimes he calls me and stops by after work to blow me, and he is in heaven doing it. but if we meet for lunch, i have to act totally straight, like we're just buds, while my nuts are just singing to bend him over the table in front of god and everybody. if i mess up, no joy for me. the mf *rules* me six days out of seven, then he gets his for fucking with me. it's so smokin hot i don't know how to live with it. we're waiting in line for the bar one night and he starts in on me, which i love, and i say, but baby (gay club, okay to be out) i love you, and he responds, you don't love me, you don't know nothin about love, you just use me, you fuck me like dawg (cause he's real country, too). i tell him, but baby, i fuck you like a dawg cause i love you. shut him up.
one day, about a month in, i see him at kroger with this five foot tall south asian woman buying grocers and i don't think shit about, cause this is a college town. i go and talk to him, just whats up, cause we're in public, and mf introduces me to his WIFE. oh, man. at the time, i had more morals that i do now, and that shit bothered me. this went on for *years* and i love him like the spring loves the sun, but the wife shit was eating me up. he stayed with me while i was locked up for a month, local, cause me being a criminal got him hot. then, one day his wife reads his bills, including the credit card with hotel rooms and his phone bill and *calls me*. she asks me, in that malaysian muslim accent, if i'm fucking her husband. and i cracked and said yes. she hung up, and it's like jay vanished off the face of the earth. i didn't go to his apartment for over a month, out of shame, and they were gone. she may have killed him. that was ten years ago, and i still love that man, but it's like he doesn't exist - or more like is as computer crafty as i remember and doesn't want me to find him. i snitched on the man i loved and lost him, but i won't fuckin do it again. karma, dammit.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 16
go directly to jail
i lost my shit in grad school when my ferret, Ahimsa Dharma, got cancer. i got into grad school on a lark - i took the gre, didn't like my results and decided to kick its ass. i did, i got a scholarship for $1200 a month for two years, even though i was not technically qualified for it for residence reasons (you have to be outside the college for undergrad). fuck yeah - when i was a kid, my favorite book was the Amateur Naturalist - it has a section at the end about growing slime and mounting mouse skeletons and hell, i'm the 'i like poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with sticks' guy. but as an undergrad, i took bio one, which was all biochem and hated it and majored in something random and easy (my mom had just died). yes, dipshits, japanese is an easy BA. then i got a job, ten years later, building a database for a lab in the ecology dept. talk about coming fuckin home. there are living vivariums in the lobby. i build killer vivariums and aquariums, more fun to watch than the nature channel. so instead of building a dippy database and putting it online, i grok it and make it *much* more than what they're paying me, and get into the lab meeting and presentations and shit. so i take some classes - the interesting undergrad science end math stuff. turns out i can rock the hell out of calculus. i always hated math, but calculus is art. stats, on the other paw, can suck my dick. yeah, i learned it. R and the idiot SAS shit. then gre and boom, i'm a grad student. uh, little unprepared.
so, my childhood dream came true. no shit. it was off the fuckin chain cool. i did it for two years until ahimsa got cancer and then i got shingles. okay, i loved my ferret like a child,and she was highly socialized. but ferrets die, and badly, around 5 years. i got her while there was some doubt as to whether i had lung cancer or something else, and it turned out to be something else, so i knew she was going to die and just loved her more. i paid twice my monthly income, saved by eating beans, rice and at a soup kitchin, to have her surgery, but after they tested the tumors, said they were malignant and she wouldn't live six more months. yeah, that was bad.
then, at the very end of the semester, i got shingles and had to stay home for two weeks (with ahimsa). no one called me or visited or wrote at all. of all the people i interact with at work, no one actually cared - i was sick two weeks. i had lived my life with joy and vision, and got my dream, but there was no one to share it with. i was about to have to start trying to make my science 'sexy' and sell it for grants, which is an ass stupid way to run your society's basic research, btw, and really hated that. so i took a semester off (forever), went and bought a shitload of morphine and decided i'd be a writer. right. it worked - i can write fiction on opiates, good stuff that impresses me when i read it sober. weird and filled with typos, but okay.
but, of course, that didn't last. i ran out of money before expected and had to couch surf then move in with my father and sister. i was hurt, sick with dispair and about to loose my only friend, and i needed a place to heal. they treated me like some diseased cur that had crawled up on their porch. they wouldn't let Ahimsa stay with me - she had to be in a cage, 50m from me, outside - she'd never been in a cage before except when she was being punished, now my baby thought she was being punished for being sick. every time i went to see her, my family made me strip to my underwear outside so the smell of 'that filthy rat' wouldn't get in the house. didn't matter, cause Ahimsa couldn't pee anymore, meaning she was dying, but i was penniless, and no way on earth my dad would pay to have her taken to a vet to be put down. on my farm, if you best dog gets down, you shoot him. so i did it myself. i gave her a shot of lots of ativan and narcotics til she was still. then i took all the rest of the pills, injected two whole vials of insulin and went looking for a rifle. see, in the afterlife, buddhist go through a tunnel, the bardo, and ferrets LOVE tunnels, so i knew she'd be there. i went to the porch with the rifle, and nodded out from insulin shock. i woke, tried to put the barrel of the .22 under my chin and pull the trigger and failed - it shot a hole in the porch ceiling. i looked up and saw a man standing there, so i handed him the rifle and asked him to reload it for me. two other cops tazed me, i woke up the hospital, then straight to jail, four counts of felony assault on a police office.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 17
pig games
i'm on probation and like most such folks, i'm required to pay off my court fees, which amounted to about 2.5K. there are two ways to pay - electronically, which costs a $10 fee and mailing in a money order to a PO box. when you mail it in, you get no receipt of any acknowledgement. my dad insisted i use his back account and get money orders from there, which i did, sending them $200/month til it was done. no reply to that either - i assume if i miss a payment, cops will come and tell me. all good until i get a letter telling me that i haven't paid and that i must pay in full by the end of the week or be arrested, appoint to talk to probabtion officer included. so, mf. i got my carbons (which only prove i sent the money off, not that it got there) and go to the bank. it takes HOURS but they finally give me a statement of all my MO's being cashed. bitches. i call the PO and tell him, he says, you got the wrong letter, i just need you to come in and sign something. hmmmm. so i go to the group meeting. every guy there got the same letter, only they used gas-n-go MO's and can't prove shit. right, so they pay again or go to jail. i stuck with the group when the PO comes out and starts explaining how fucked we are ... but i hold up my phone on record. he stops and says, what are you doing? i reply, recording, i don't want to forget anything important. he responds, aren't you the guy i already talked to? this doesn't apply to you, go in and wait. i left. it's not like the other niggas didn't have cells, and if i stick my neck out any further, they'll chop it off.
confessions of a weirdness magnet, part 18
pay attention
Phungushead Wrote:Sure, the average human has something in their life that's totally out of balance. This is just the human condition... Everyone suffers from some degree of addiction and compulsion. .
that's the first Noble Truth - the nature of the human condition is suffering. as we know, suffering comes from attachment, which is the second. we spend our lives running from goal to goal, new cars, money, whatever, and each one is just another fix, after we're empty and only care about the next. but you can be attached to ideas, too - like 'who i am' and 'my homeland' and such. but everything is in change, so it never works. the third Noble Truth - there is a cure for this kind of suffering, which is the magic bit, then the fourth: live a simple, good life, with a focused mind, and your life will be joy instead of suffering (the Eight-Fold Path).
i love my brother christians, muslims and jews, but god doesn't save you from addiction - he