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In The Last Episode: Byrd Sprite Strider Faced Down Pirates With Less Nerves Than He Is Facing Asking Karkat On A Date. Also Davesprite<>John is Karkat’s paletp.
—
You come back a couple hours later, as promised by no one but yourself to yourself. Karkat and Roxy have migrated from the living room to the deck right off it, and John joined them at some point. You stand back behind the glass doors to watch for a minute, half-hidden by the dimness and the reflections. Roxy is laughing like a loon as John tells her a story, complete with very earnest nodding and hands waving around fit to bitchslap someone. Karkat leans against the railing a couple of steps away; he’s smirking faintly, watching them, not really joining in.
Your best bro is totally hitting on your bio mom’s ecto-clone, isn’t he.
From the way she smiles, she doesn’t mind one bit. You almost turn right the fuck around.
"Oh hey, Byrd!"
Crap, John saw you. Oh well. You push the door open and step out. You’re not smiling, but you’re also not not smiling, which pretty much counts as a smile. “Hey bro.”
He grins back, dimpling. “I was telling Roxy about the time I convinced you the ghost of Howie Mandel had pissed in your sealed apple juice.”
You pinch your lips in a perfectly neutral, uncaring line, and then you wrap your hand around his neck and start pushing him over the railing, in a friendly-murderous way.
"Lawl," Roxy goes. "Okay, you two flirt on your own time, kay? I was getting entertained here."
"Eww," John goes with feeling, bent over backward against the railing.
"Yeah, mom, don’t be gross," you drawl, and allow him to grab onto your wrist so you can help him get back up. "We’re totes in diams, you keep your diagonal quadrant-flip fantasies away, okay."
"Did you research or something?” Karkat interjects, dry and maybe slightly amused.
… You totally did not spend the last two hours idly rereading group logs for hints about Karkat’s views on romance and dating and stuff at all.
You totally didn’t come out only slightly less confused about quadrants, either.
Flush is still the one where you get to make out nicely, which is enough to get by on.
"Um. Of course not. Haha quadrants. Why."
"You sure? Because that sounded slightly less ignorant than your usual."
You grunt vaguely like you couldn’t care less. “I’m a fount of mystical knowledge and wild-ass guesses. Anyway, what were you guys talking about that wasn’t my humoring John’s substandard trolling?”
"We talked of nothing else for the whole hour," John replies with a wise nod, the turd. "But also…" A vaguely embarrassed shrug. "What we were doing, before the game. Did you know Roxy lived alone with carapaces and a crap-ton of cats on a platform city on the sea? That’s pretty hardcore!"
"As Janey says, aw, shucks," Roxy replies, and chuckles that purring, vaguely throaty chuckle that pings as oh yesss you big stallion flatter me more somehow. Oh dear horrorterrors. “It was pretty normal for me, hardly any badass shit at all! Well okay, except there at the end, I got badass as balls.”
John makes an interested noise, turns so he can grab the railing with both hands and lean against it as he listens to her, mirroring her a bit. You edge closer to Karkat as she starts explaining about her drone-fighting maneuvers, a mixture of fronting and awkward omg plz like me that’s… Um, yeah, wow, never mind.
The second your body is blocking John’s view of Karkat, Karkat rolls his eyes and makes a heart shape with his hands, a quick flick of his fingers at hip level. You pinch your lips and give a faint nod.
"So hey," you tell him, "if you wanna go see that thing now—"
It is totally subtle and not clumsy at all as excuses out of a situation go. Alas John interrupts immediately, leaning to look past Roxy’s shoulder. “No hey — uh — we are bro-hanging out as bros, with bros. No going anywhere!”
… Okay, you kind of thought that even if he didn’t notice it was deliberate, he wouldn’t mind getting to be alone with Roxy. He’s acting pretty interested here. You arch an eyebrow at him. Pointedly.
He laughs back, loud and barking, but not in an amused way. “Haha! Be right back for more exciting Lalonde adventures. Davesprite, come with me.”
You let him drag you along by the elbow, though you twitch a little at the use of your old… designation. Name. You don’t think he did it deliberately, but —
"—Oops, sorry," he whispers. He’s dragged you behind a potted plant. Some kind of miniature palm tree. The trunk is wide as your wrist from the side and the fans of leaves at face height are pretty much a polite fiction. "But seriously now you guys cannot leave me alone with her, Byrd, you cannot.”
He looks … maybe serious? Alarmed, but a bit more goofy-alarmed than deep-shit alarmed. You frown. “Thought you dig her style, bro.”
"Yes, that’s the thing, I pretty much do! She’s cool and she’s cute and she, uh, doesn’t seem to mind?"
"…So what’s the issue?"
John cringes, eyes shifting around awkwardly. “Remember the part where her older version is my probably soon-to-be mother-in-law?”
"Oh."
"In other words," John finds the need to add, "older-her is boning my dad.”
"Yeah, I’d figured it out," you drawl. John makes a tortured face.
"That makes things weird, okay! What if she’s just got, like. An Egbert fetish.”
You purse your lips. You purse them really hard. Then you say “Well, throw her at Mr. Makara-Egbert and see if she bounces?”
You think getting punched in the shoulder was totally worth it.
John glowers. “You are so fired, Carmencita.”
He’s blushing, which is something you don’t remember seeing much. Okay, the one time he fell down the stairs — you’d warned him about no okay that is too old a meme now — and left his boxers behind on some bit of … you don’t even remember what, a nail? and you and Jade and Nannasprite were looking up at the time. You think it was mostly Nanna’s presence that made him blush, especially when she commented that she’d seen it once already, even if it was a split-second before being squished by a meteor and it had been much cuter and well-groomed at the time.
Come to think of it Nanna was probably the one who caused the incident in the first place. Wow, can’t believe you only realized that now. Then again at the time you’d been a bit distracted. Jade cuddling up chestingly on one side and John’s bare ass absconding on the other side, yeah, um. Yeah.
"Guyyys, what are you talking about!"
Roxy is frown-pouting at the both of you. You shrug. “John’s trying to talk me into mmphpt.”
You pull your head away from John’s gross hand, narrow your eyes warningly, but he’s already grinning at you with all teeth threateningly out. “It’s top-secret boy stuff, Roxy!”
Dave pushes the door open at that moment, arches his eyebrows — you think at you, not at what John just said, but he shuffles his way to the both of you anyways. “Ooh, secret boy stuff, sign me up. What’s our password.”
John groans, and drapes one arm around his neck and one around yours. “Tell you later.”
Karkat is still standing there by the railing, chin resting on one hand, leaning on his elbow, watching the lot of you with amused distance. Enjoying the clusterfuck, huh? Jerk.
Cute jerk who you want to get alone at some point, though.
— truncatedGrip [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] —
TG: itd be too weird to date her huh
EB: sigh.
EB: i’m kind of pretty creeped out, to be honest.
EB: she’s cute! and she’s funny.
EB: and she’s BANGING MY DAD?
EB: well kinda. in a parallel universe.
TG: in a parallel universe im dating the chick who got my two best friends killed so hey you know
TG: shes p cool too
TG: terezi i mean
EB: this is more like if you were dating your bro’s ex, i think.
TG: jake?
TG: i hear on the grapevine hes hot so hey
John gives you the stink-eye in real life.
EB: ha ha ha. like touching the butt your bro touched wouldn’t be weird at all.
TG: hey your dad didnt touch roxys butt he touched ROMYS
TG: theyre not actually the same person ok
EB: argh, sorry! you’re right.
TG: also i kinda hope she washed said butt in the meantime
You’re being obtuse entirely on purpose. It would feel weird to do stuff with someone Dirk or Bro had done it with first. Thankfully they’re not into girls and it looks like you got to Karkat first… Not that you’d necessarily turn up your nose if — ugh, okay, this is a topic you don’t really want to think about.
Distraction time. “So. Davey-poo. Where were you, gone so far, abandoning your friends so callously. John needs his waifu, okay, that wasn’t cool.”
He side-glares at you a bit. You prop up your elbow on his shoulder, try not to smirk when he twitches like he wants to dodge in case you get cuddly again. Shit’s gonna be hilarious.
"Even a godlike being needs to pee sometimes, okay?"
"The time it took you?" John replies, laughing. "More like number two. Or three or four even, whoa."
Karkat looks at Roxy, an eyebrow up. She shrugs. “I think they’re talking about. Like. Bowel movements ‘n crap.”
"… Yeah, crap is the thing that we are indeed talking about," Dave goes, and John tries not to snicker.
You allow him to herd you back to the group for some more fine bullshitting and tall stories.
A few minutes later Rose and Kanaya emerge, all smug and relaxed. You arch your eyebrow at them. Rose smirks and fist-bumps you; Kanaya blushes green, but smiles. D’aw, they’re cute.
It’s not fair that they get to have a sex life and you don’t. The height of unfairness. You wish them a lot of happiness and mutual orgasms but seriously now.
"What are we talking about?" Rose asks.
Roxy shakes her head sadly. “They are talking about poop, Rosie, save yourself.”
"Oh my. Coprophilia, really?" Rose gives the lot of you a pleased look. "Fascinating. Why, the implications—”
Talking in twin stereo is still twee and gross, so you let Dave field that one, with his bustling and his … pretty obvious defensiveness, wow, what a tool, is this what you would have sounded like?
Karkat and Kanaya are glancing at each other and sighing like yeah this is the species we have yoked ourselves to for survival purposes, life is going to be soooo worth living, wow. You kinda wish you were on that side of the group huddle but shuffling over is gonna be kind of obvious right now.
"We were talking about fun stuff we did before the game!" John says, mostly to Kanaya. Figures; he already sort of knows what Rose used to do. "Got anything fun to share?"
Put on the spot, Kanaya hesitates. Everyone is looking at her, which probably doesn’t help much. You make a face at her and she smiles back.
"I’m afraid my life was… well, I don’t think it was boring, but you would have to like sewing and landscaping."
You can see John hesitating. “Um. Yeah, okay, no offense, that’s pretty boring. Uh, for the rest of us I mean, I’m sure it’s not—”
"Sorry I can’t be entertaining. The most exciting thing that happened was undead beings getting into my garden and ruining my tomatoes, but pest control isn’t—"
You and John exchange a look, and then he looks at Dave, and at Roxy. Roxy looks pretty excited.
"Um," she says, "d’you mean, like, rainbow drinkers, or like zombies?”
Rose is laughing into her hand. The jerk.
"—Oh. I guess that was confusing. I’m sorry. I think it would be zombies?"
"Oh well! In that case!" John shouts. "Yes that is totally boring and you should not tell us anything about being a zombie hunter! At all! Ever!" His hands are in the air and he looks half exasperated and half excited.
Kanaya looks mostly unsure and wary, like she’s wondering if John is going to need papping. S’okay, you’ve got that shit on lockdown. You bump your shoulder into him. “Don’t yell at a lady or I’m telling Dadbert on you. Kanaya, what he means is please dear god tell us all about hunting zombies because that is badass.”
She tells you all everything about hunting real-life actual zombies.
She manages to make it sound dull as dishwater. The topic is fun enough on its own to keep the questions coming for a while, though.
It’s nice and it’s fun and you can see how John tries to engage everyone, but always falls back to Roxy, stealing little glances at her, ending up talking to her alone.
He’s got it so bad, Jesus.
TG: so not that youre gonna ask her out on a date
TG: but hypothetically if you asked her out on a date what would the date be like
EB: I DON’T KNOW!!!
EB: super awesome, probably. uuughghghhh this is not helping!!!
TG: :’( </>
EB: oh, shut up, featherface.
TG: thats mr featherface to you toothface
You feel kinda bad that you were sort of indirectly fishing for ideas for yourself.
At the same time, okay, it’s a bit weird but apparently Roxy and Romy have a type, is all, and if your bro would have fun dating her then why not try it? They don’t have to, like, get married or anything…
TG: … huh
TG: i guess if your dad and romy ended up getting married she *would* be kind of like your sister huh
EB: THAT WAS MY POINT FROM THE START OH MY GOD DAVE SPRITE WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW????!!
TG: dude im the guy who hit on his actual genetic sister
TG: ok i didnt know at the time but i hella did hit on rose and flirt like crazy
TG: and shes like my actual sister not my legally sort of sister because the separate and unconnected sort of parents just happened to also want to bone
EB: … yeah, that was gross.
EB: but i *do* know.
TG: you know what
TG: have fun with your blue balls and your longing from afar and flogging yourself with sexy sexy guilt
John glowers at you in real life and pushes his nerd glasses up into his hair pointedly, all ‘hah! Can’t read you anymore.’ “Yeah, I’ll do that.” Brat.
Karkat plucks them off his head, muttering. “You’ll drop them overboard, you king of dunces.” John allows it with a snort like a put-upon bull.
"Whatchu guys talking about now?" Dave asks, nudging in between John and you in a totally subtle and friendly way.
You lift your shades off your nose so he can see your eyes, because damn but he makes it easy. “Incest. You wanna cuddle?”
Dave shoves at you, but a bit awkward, like he doesn’t want to touch your maimed side’s shoulder. Dude, the missing area starts like at least two inches lower than that, and anyway it’s not like the scar tissue is still all that sensitive. You shoulder-check him right back, to demonstrate.
Karkat pauses in the middle of stuffing John’s glasses in his pocket to roll his eyes at you. Ouch. Pff. As Roxy teases John you signal him with a discreet tap to your own shades to put them on, which he does with a grimace like he just wants to check out how blind John is exactly.
TG: its not my fault he thinks my lopsidedness might be contagious
TG: instead of thinking of it like im the venus of motherfucking milo only a dude and not made of stone
TG: i mean who the fuck would remember the venus of milo if she had all her bits still attached huh
TG: shed just be some stone broad shaking her bare rock titties like a million other toga party chicks
TG: wow did they know how to have fun in those days
CG: ONCE AGAIN I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE BLATHERING ON ABOUT, YOU REALIZE.
CG: NOT THAT THIS IS A BIG CHANGE FROM ANY OTHER CONVERSATION WITH YOU STRIDERS, I GUESS.
TG: youre no fun
TG: shes some olden statue thats missing like her arms and stuff and is super well known somehow
CG: THANK HEAVENS! ANOTHER DRIBBLE OF USELESS HUMAN POP CULTURE. I AM SAVED FROM A LIFE OF BLISSFUL IGNORANCE BY THIS POINTLESS CRUMB OF INFORMATION.
TG: pff
CG: I AM SURE WHEN THE LEGISLACERATORS COME FOR ME AND MINE I CAN TURN THEM AT THE GATE BY PROVING THAT MY SKIN MIGHT BE GRAY AND THE YELLOW OF MY EYES DEMONSTRABLY NOT WHITE BUT NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY GATHER SO MANY CRUSTY DREGS OF ACTUAL CULTURE WHO IS NOT, IN FACT, A HUMAN.
CG: EXECUTION CANCELED FOR CAUSE OF KNOWING THAT ROSEBUD WAS HIS FUCKING SLED.
CG: DAVE ALREADY DID THE OBVIOUS HIS ROSEBUD FUCKED BY A SLED JOKE, BY THE WAY, NO NEED FOR A REPEAT.
TG: thanks for warning me
TG: echoing his jokes would be the height of uncool
TG: did he make the slay’d by that which rose one tho
CG: WHY ARE WE SUBTLY MEANDERING TOWARD ANAL SEX.
CG: …
CG: I MEAN, *TALKING* ABOUT ANAL SEX.
Oh god. Oh dear lord. He’s gone all pink. He turns a bit to hide his face, all look I’m keeping watch so they don’t steal our horizon here stfu. His ears are pink, the bridge of his nose is pink, it’s fucking adorable.
You glance down at the front of his pants and cannot see jack shit for cause of Roxy’s butt being in the way. Welp.
TG: idk anal sex is a p nice topic
TG: or any other kind of sex actually
Especially with you, you want to type, but wouldn’t that be too much when you didn’t even ask him out? The way you’ve been making out, he would know that wasn’t a joke. Shit, he’s come into actual contact with your hard-on before, he knows he pings your fuckability meter. You don’t want him to… Argh. Of course the attraction is more sexual than personal right now, you barely know him but you have working eyes and a working hand to help you appreciate his butt topography, but.
Like what if he gets angry and then later when you find your spine and ask him out he says no.
Urgh, feelings. You don’t really want to hurt his. It’s so much easier to be gross and careless when everyone knows it’s just your usual meaningless word vomit.
CG: BUT MAYBE NOT ONE FOR *HERE*!
TG: but ok maybe not for right now
TG: haha yeah
TG: k topic put back on waiting list
The conversation has been flowing fine without you, which is lucky in that no one’s been nosy about where your head was, but unlucky in that you’ve got no clue what they’re talking about now. You didn’t check out all that long, but it was apparently enough for three swerves and seven topic revolutions.
"Hey guys!"
Oh hey, it’s Jade. That traitor. Jane is with her, following at a more leisurely pace as Jade bursts out of the corridor with her dog at her side.
"Anyone want to swim for a bit?" she asks, beaming. "I asked uncle Paul and Jane’s dad and they said we were making good time and if we wanted we could stop the ship for a couple of hours and put up a net and swim in the sea!"
Roxy is all for it, and so is John (pff, what a coincidence.) Kanaya looks vaguely intrigued at the thought but more at Rose’s mention of swimsuits, and you suppose Dave will follow. Jane is already in her swimsuit, with some kind of beach shawl thingy wrapped around her hips like a dress. Hubba hubba.
You don’t know if Karkat is going to want to swim. He kind of sucks at it, but then again he might want to practice…
"Yeah, I’mma beg off," you say.
Jade gives you a disappointed look. “Aw, but you like swimming, don’t you?”
Rose rests a hand on her forearm and you get to see womanly telepathy in action; their eyes meet and Jade goes “—Oh. Right.”
You’re not even entirely sure if they’re thinking of the same thing, like, is Jade remembering that she gave you a mission at noon and might perhaps be cockblocking it, instead of the recent ~trauma Rose is probably thinking about instead?
"But it’ll be fun!" John protests. "How can you go traveling on the sea and not go swimming at all?"
You want to remind him that you went swimming the other day already. Like, on two separate days, actually — once with Karkat and Kanaya when the cops were chasing you, and once with the pirate you stabbed in the thigh. That’d change the mood a bit, though. You don’t want them to think you’re now triggered by open water. It just doesn’t appeal right now.
You just… shrug. “Nah, I’m a bit tired. Go spend time with your wife.”
Dave gives you a bit of a weird look, but hey, you guys did agree that he could have John today. He shrugs and wraps an arm around John’s neck. “Sure thing. Hey, hubby.”
You hang out a bit longer, but by then people are already breaking into smaller groups and disappearing to go get changed. You wave and go around to the front by the gallery, because no one else is going that way.
You don’t want to return to your bedroom in dishonor, cool as it is to have a private bedroom when almost no one else does, so you go up instead.
Looking for ideas, really. You go around and through each level, peeking through unlocked doors — you find a lot of linen closets — then up; you meet one of the dads, and you cross paths with Dirk who is making his way down and only acknowledges you with a stealth nod. The pilots’ room has Romy in it; you wave but don’t linger.
(She and Roxy are kind of a lot like each other, yeah. You suppose John’s problem is a bit closer to if Terezi broke up with Dave and then fell for you. Would she like you for you or for how Dave-like you are? Urgh. Then again it doesn’t jive exactly either, Terezi has always known there were two of you and you didn’t grow up in totally different places and times either.)
(Also Dave isn’t your dad. And John isn’t his dad. Okay, so it’s not that similar after all.)
You get to the top deck eventually. It’s empty, all gorgeous wooden floors and deck chairs under the sun, calling your name, and the Jacuzzi…
You dip a hand in, and it’s deliciously cool. Wow. Okay, now you want to soak.
It’d be a pretty good place for a date, so long as it stayed empty…. which, okay, might be a problem. You could lounge with a laptop to watch movies and everything if you got tired of waddling.
You go to the railing and lean on it on your elbow, watching the sea, and sigh into the breeze. Such a stupidly pretty view.
"What’s on your mind, my fine-assed featherbeast fucker."
Jesus-Mary-Satan.
Gamzee is on top of the awning, just by the radio tower, sitting with his knees up in his ratty t-shirt and long pants. Just… watching you, casual, a bit uncaring.
You unfold from your fighting stance and put your sword back in your sylladex and pretend he didn’t startle you into shrieking even a little bit.
"Yeah, that is what I am, I fuck birds, that’s it exactly. Like the philosopher Kesha said, you are what you put your dick into. Yep."
Why is he talking to you? You thought he was the type to keep to himself. Also, you’re pretty sure he doesn’t like you much.
He laughs, not loud or anything but almost rusty. He’s watching the clouds. “That is some straight-up wisdom for the ages.”
… Okay, you have very little idea what to do with casual-conversation-is-a-go Gamzee.
"She also has some pretty good beats. Um. Aren’t you hot in that getup. I mean the t-shirt is okay, but those pants. You’ve got to be baking alive."
"Shit, bro, my blood runs as cold as it down and gets without sprouting those motherfucking brineguzzling chest flaps." He looks down at you, grins, and just like that the mood changes, not in a good way. "So when is a motherfucker to expect you be sprouting some horns, then?"
It takes you a second.
You are what you fuck, and Karkat is a troll.
"Are you and Karkat even still a thing, that you get to ask that kind of question?"
Your guts slam into a knot, try to crawl up your chest cavity; a jolt runs up your spine, clenches all your muscles for you, gotta run, oh fuck, oh fuck —
He’s messing with you, teeth bared — that fucker.
You uncaptchalogue a bottle of apple juice at his head. He swats it all claws out, splutters when it splashes him, and you can breathe again. There’s still something crawling up your back, a spider, a dozen spiders —
"I can’t have this fucking conversation with you if you’re not, okay?!"
He leans in to stare down at you, eyes narrow, suspicious. “What kind of conversation do I want to be having with an unfresh motherfucker like you?”
You lift your chin and pretend to be Bro, though you’re only Byrd and right now Byrd hella wants to pee his pants. “Answer me first.”
"… Of fucking course we still in diams, now what kind of truck you be havin’ with it?"
… Well. That’s good. … Is it? What if he gets to veto you or something? Shit, you didn’t even think of that. Is that how quadrants work? You were kind of planning on ignoring Karkat’s other boyfriend entirely, but what if it doesn’t work like that?
"Because I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of date to ask him out on all day, is what!" you reply, exasperated and half-sick with his terror bullshit.
Which disappears in a flash, leaving you with mild queasiness and a buzzing, dizzy brain. Now he’s boggling, leaning over the edge of the awning to peer down at you better, horns tilted quizzically.
"Like a date-date, or like a pailing date?"
Yeah, you blush. Fuck. “Hey, I don’t put out so easily, okay? Haven’t even got any flowers from him, I’m not that cheap.” A short sigh. “Date-date, and you can shut your trap.”
A suspicious stare. “… Flush?”
"The kind of date-date where we eventually meander toward putting our hands down each other’s pants and then maybe like eventually other body parts! Jesus, why do you even think I’ve got any interest in his diamond quadrant, you got schooled on that once already!"
You think he twitches a little at that. Yeah, well, good. You weren’t the one who accused his boyfriend of cheating and almost got murdercrazy on a couple of innocent bystanders.
"Well, now that is one fine surprise," he says, still giving you the side-eye. "That you be wanting to date him, after being all for weeks with the naw, bro, I’m fine laying my fronds on you outside of all quadrants entirely. Like you think he ain’t worth one—"
"Oh, fuck you!" you — yeah, it was a yell. Your face is so red it feels like heatstroke. Maybe it’s the sun. Yeah fucking right. "Just because trolls are desperate to hook up doesn’t mean humans are, okay?! That was a perfectly normal speed and shut the fuck up!"
A pause. You’re breathing a bit hard. He’s tilting his head.
"Also it wasn’t weeks. It was a week and a half, tops. That is hella fucking short, okay?”
"… I don’t get my understanding on how you star chimps ain’t all extinct yet."
He has gone back to sounding oddly mellow. You watch him for a second or five, suspicious, and then gingerly go back to leaning against the railing.
"We’re not extinct because if a guy and a girl frick even once she might well come up preggers. See? If we rush it we end up with tons of girls alone with their baby wondering how the fuck they’re gonna manage both raising it and working enough to give it a roof, while the deadbeat dad wanders off to smell other flowers. Me taking my time with Karkat means I don’t want one of us getting dumped at the altar while seven months pregnant, which is a very responsible and noble-minded thing, okay.”
"… I got no understanding of that whole shit either, my feathery fucker."
You groan and slump against the railing, head hanging. Yeah, maybe better if he doesn’t. Was that some Olympic-level brainless babble or what.
"But the long and the short of it is, you want to get your flush on with him now."
Augh! “Yes. Fuck.”
"Like with the funtime activities that ain’t even be a little pants related."
You grab a handful of your own hair and pull. “Yes! Why not. That’s what dating is for, to get to know each other better! Argh.”
"… Then why you asking me, motherfucker. I ain’t the one as want you on my bulge."
If you knew where the bottle of apple juice got to, you’d pick it up and throw it again. You’ve got more stocked but like fuck are you sacrificing another one. “I am not asking you if I can date him, I don’t give a fuck if you say no, it’s not any of your fucking business who he dates.”
"So what you be flapping your gums at me for?"
… Gnrghghnauuughgh.
"I wanted to ask. For suggestions. Like. What to do on a date. On this fucking boat. I’ve been trying to figure it out all fucking day and there’s borderline nowhere to go to be alone unless we hide in a closet but closets are not for dating, closets are for hooking up.”
A pause. You hang your head some more, look down the ship’s side. Fascinating. Your face is surface-of-the-sun hot.
"… Also if you maybe had some suggestions about stuff he’d like or something Jesus I am the lamest turd and can fall no further. Urgh."
"You might want to start by asking me personally?" Karkat says from behind you.
… Yeah so, taking a swan dive from up here, that should be doable, right? You won’t hit the railing on the first level or get dragged under the ship or knocked out by the impact with the water, yeah? Okay let’s try it.
"Yo, my main motherfucker," Gamzee says from the roof. He doesn’t sound surprised at all, of course.
"Gamzee," Karkat returns, relaxed enough from his usual aggression that it’s almost soft. "Hey."
Behind you, he is probably busy staring a perplexed, embarrassed-for-you hole in the back of your bowed head. You can feel the weight of his stare.
You are not turning around. You sink into a crouch, your hand still gripping the railing, and beat your head against the metal sheeting. “Why are you even here,” you whine.
Footsteps; he’s coming to you. You can’t move. You can’t even look.
So when your shades disappear from your face, you’re a bit surprised. You open your eyes, squinting against the sunlight, to watch Karkat put them on his nose.
His legs aren’t so scrawny and cute from here. They’re nicked with old, white scars, and pretty muscled — not bulky, but defined. You think vaguely of getting up, but then you’d be way too close to him and… you don’t know.
At least he’s blocking Gamzee’s line of sight. That’s something. You guess.
He hands back your shades and a Pesterchum window is open — oh. Oh, he logged himself in.
CG: BUT ANYWAY, YEAH. IF YOU WANT TO SWIM, I’M GAME.
CG: BUT I’LL BE FINE NOT GOING, TOO.
— terminallyCapricious [TC] is idle —
CG: GAMZEE! DID YOU DOZE OFF ON ME AGAIN??
CG: GAMZEE. GAMZEE MAKARA.
CG: HEY, TURDLICK!!
TC: bro, roof. now. :o)
CG: …
CG: NOW WOULD BE AN AWESOME TIME TO TELL ME YOU DIDN’T KILL ANYONE ELSE.
CG: HOLY SHIT SAY YOU DIDN’T KILL ANYONE
TC: hahahahahaha
TC: nah, bro <>
TC: a tiny horned motherfucker just really needs to be moving his gams like they all thinking they is lightning and be getting your tush up here. :o)
CG: ON MY WAY. *NO MURDER.*
"Oh. Huh."
You look up at him over your shades. He has turned to put his back to the railing, so he can watch the both of you presumably. You politely log yourself out of his account.
He’s looking down at you. You’re not too sure how to handle that.
"Gamzee," he says, still looking at you. "Dad’s down by the sea deck, if you still want to go. I’ll join you there, okay?"
"I’m good getting my wait on for you," Gamzee says, lazy, and you see lights flashing as he captchalogues the laptop he had on the roof where you couldn’t see it. He flips onto his belly, head on his hand. Karkat turns his head to stare at him.
You get up, because it’s starting to feel hella silly to crouch there at his feet.
"Get your skinny ass moving already," Karkat says tiredly. "Go prevent Dave from bulgeblocking John and Roxy or something. Do your duty as a human brother. Alternately, go drown Terezi a couple of times, I don’t know."
Gamzee laughs a gravelly laugh and rolls off the roof and onto the deck. “Naw, bitch swims better ‘n me. Be maybe gonna spend some quality pitch time, though, so you might as well see how featherybro’s mating parts handle.”
You splutter. He barely looks at you.
"… Yeah, that is totally what I’m going to do in full daylight in a public area of the ship I can’t lock. I don’t care if you do it don’t tell me—”
Gamzee chortles. Karkat glares. You’re still spluttering a bit.
He ruffles Karkat’s hair in passing, and then he mercifully fucks off.
You fold yourself over the railing and observe the majesty of the ocean. Wow, are those actual waves? Unreal.
A few centuries pass. Okay, maybe thirty seconds.
"I can’t believe you asked Gamzee,” Karkat says, but there’s a smile in his voice.
"Someone kill me already," you whine, though you make it a little playful. You’re still embarrassed to death, but — he’s not angry. At least he’s not angry.
"Hmm… Nah." A snort. "But how did you even expect anything useable from him?"
“I was desperate, okay.”
Karkat pats your shoulder. He is laughing silently, the giant turd.
Then he leans against your shoulder a bit and bam, tingles under your ribs. They’re crowding out your lungs, must be why.
"I guess," you say, trying to sound cool while your ears are still incandescent red, "at least I don’t have to torture myself over how I’m gonna ask you anymore."
Karkat turns around so he’s facing the sea, too, and props his elbow on your shoulder, casually brolicious even though he usually never is.
You can see his fingers dangling at the edge of your vision. They’re shaking a little.
"Actually," he says meaningfully, and stops there.
You wait for a second, and then you groan. “… You’re gonna make me ask it.”
Karkat clears his throat, looks up at the sky, away from you. He’s smiling.
Yeah, okay, the worst already happened anyways and you didn’t die or get shot down even a little bit.
It looks like you’re not going to be.
You try on a smile. “Wanna go on a date with me?”
Karkat says, “Oh yeah, sure, why not,” but his voice goes strangled for a bit and it doesn’t come out half as casual as he aimed for. He throws you a side grin, ducks his head to hide. He’s still trying not to laugh, that evil bitch. “I wasn’t doing anything that interesting anyway.”
You shove him a little bit. A tiny little bit. Okay so it’s more of huddling closer for a second. “Hey, come on, why do I have to be romantic but you can be a turd?”
"Because," he says philosophically, "you’ll be a turd no matter what, Byrd."
Jerk. You try to smother your smile and fail. “Yeah, but so will you. I want a little effort here, c’mon.”
"… Point." He turns to meet your eyes, and now he’s serious. "Do you really?"
"Um?"
"Want … romance. Gestures. Things."
Karkat waves his hand vaguely. You shrug. “I dunno. Never really did that — Jade was kinda more ‘hey honey we’re going rappelling today!’ The most romantic thing I did for her was — uh.” You pause. Shiiit. “Is it ok to tell you about her, like, do you mind or anything? I mean that’s the sum of my dating experience right there—”
Karkat elbows you in the ribs, but kind of gently. He sighs, rolling his eyes at you, and you relax a little to see that he didn’t take it badly. “No, it’s fine. I still can’t believe she was into you—”
You shove him, a bit harder than last time. You’re grinning. “Hey!”
He flashes you a smirk. “Hey, it’s true, and you know it, you colossal loser. But yeah, that’s a topic that perhaps should be broached later.”
Yep, you don’t mind shelving references to your sadly stunted love life so far, this is kind of hella not the right time for it. “Sure thing. So… I have no idea if I’d like romantic things, like, at all.”
"Guess we can try and find out," Karkat says, all careful, tentative under that really bad blasé facade.
Pff. “Sure, why not,” you say, bland as beige wallpaper in a dentist’s waiting room. He pinches your hip and you jump.
Silence. Um. Okay, what now.
"… So… date now?" You remember Gamzee suggesting the two of you use this time to frick and flush a little. Yeah, uh, no. The mood is totally wrong for that. “I mean if you need time to get your heart ready to handle it that’s fine, it’s just that alone time is gonna be in short supply and—”
"Now is fine, I guess — what did you have planned?"
Haha planned. Haha.
You look around for ideas. Okay, cold Jacuzzi, lounge chairs, and… you did captchalogue a soda bottle the other day and other odds and ends…
… Huh. Okay, why do you have that.
You slowly pull away from the bar, and when his hand falls off your back (awkward,) you take it (just as awkward, but determined.) “So hey, Karkat, do you have things in your sylladex, like, anything weird and random that you don’t even know why the fuck it’s taking up a card?”
(Holding hands is weird as fuck. Plus it disturbs you a bit that you don’t have another one free in case you need it. What if you tripped? Needed to ward off a wooden sword coming at your head? It’s nice and all, but… Also, yours is a bit sweaty. Goddamn, you feel twelve.)
"Uh, yeah, sure, I have a few, why? Is that your idea of get-to-know-you topics or…?"
You pout-glare a bit, and then you sit on one of the lounge chairs, and you produce your huge-ass candelabra.
Karkat stares for so long you end up having to tug on his hand to get him to sit down, which he does, right beside you. He laughs a little, more incredulous than anything.
You get out matches, and light up the candles one by one.
"… Oh my paradox frog, Byrd, you dork emperor, it’s still afternoon. The sky is bitchqueen cerulean bright, and the sun—”
Wise nod. “Yeah, but you’re still seduced.”
"… Yeah, I’m still seduced," he admits, pained, and then he starts laughing his ass off.
You like it when he laughs. You got the impression from the way everyone talks about him that he, like, never does, or something stupid like that, that he’s a ball of anger issues and too much seriousness; it feels a bit special every time you manage it. His eyes crinkle and he gets all wheezy, trying to keep it quiet, and all his pointy little teeth show, which is weird and creepy but somehow also cute.
He reaches for your shades and takes them off, and then pauses like he’s thinking shit should I have asked, and you snort and quirk a smile at him.
He rolls his eyes right back, and then leans in and kisses you.
Out of all the kisses you’ve had it’s nowhere near the steamiest. It’s… sweet? Cute. Shallow, soft, and the angle is wrong to deepen it, to press your bodies against each other, and it’s nice and at the same time making you more nervous, more uneasy than hands on your ass would have.
You understand lust, by now. You understand lusting for him. What are you doing, deciding to throw feelings into the cake mix? You don’t even know if they’ll rise right, what if your thing falls flat like a bad soufflé?
"… Okay, I feel like I’m six sweeps old again and trying to figure out the least lame handholding position."
Pff. “Bit lacking in hormones and sweaty desperation?”
You like it when his red and yellow eyes go hooded, veiled with thick eyelashes, and his goth lips twist all faint in dry amusement. Sexy. “You talk as if my grubby mitts weren’t the slipperiest, drippiest shit.”
You have no understanding of this at all. You were born at fifteen and skipped that part entirely. “Yeah, we should totally inject some adult into this situation.” You see him hesitate, and you stammer smoothly all over yourself to rectify. “I mean not naked adulting, but those assbutts made me want to swim earlier, only hella not in the sea, and there’s this pool thing right here—”
"Bubble-blowing soaking trap?"
"…Let’s go with that and I wanted to know if you’d go in it with me circle yes or no."
Karkat blinks at you, and you wonder if you should actually write him the note. Maybe he doesn’t know what you’re referencing at all—
"I’m gonna guess this is your attempt to communicate your desire for shirtlessness and water fights."
You nod, mouth closed.
A lot of fits and starts and blushing and getting tangled in your shirts and the two of you are in the deliciously cool water in your underwear (the water is opaque with bubbles now; you are so not thinking about how transparent it might get when you get out, oh man), leaning sideways against the ledge, face to face, and gazing at the magnificence of the candelabra.
"It’d be way better at night," you say with a sigh, and he snorts at you and slips a knee between yours.
You spend the next hour making out — nothing as dangerous as that time against the wall, but hands wander damn near asses and legs tangle pretty high up — and having random bouts of conversation in between kissing.
(“So how is it, having a dad?”
He’s straddling your lap, and he stops your exploration of his neck to go all frowny and intense. “Can I ask you for a reality check? No, can I trust you for a reality check? Goodnight kisses are absolutely out of bounds, right? Because I’m almost ninety-percent sure John was fucking with me, but.”
"Hahaha oh my god." You grin. What a perfect setup. But it’d be a shame if that butt left your lap, so. "I guess your dad could want to catch up on the first ten years of your life, but you’re still kind of too old for it by now.”
"Oh thank fuck. That felt really too creepy.")
A last bout of wrestling ends with you pulled back, half-floating, onto his lap — his arm barring your chest, his lips on the back of your neck (you totally didn’t lose on purpose. … You, um, actually really didn’t, but you like the end result.) It’s all nice and warm and maybe a bit tight in your underwear area — colors not fully hoisted, stuck at a lazy half-mast but if he keeps going you might see your way to three fourths up.
And then he pauses.
"… Are you supposed to be turning red like that? I mean, I’m not entirely sure where it’s normal for you to be turning weird colors with your pasty alien paper skin but—"
Oh hell. The water is cool enough that you didn’t notice. “Awgh. Sunburn. I totally forgot. Mom Lalonde will eat me alive.” You sit up between his knees and touch your own shoulder; yeah, you can feel it now, skin a bit tight, banked heat underneath. “I uh, don’t suppose you want to help me put on some sunscreen. I mean it’s a bit late for it but—”
Karkat leans in to brush his lips against your shoulder blade, against the scar of your left wing, and you swallow. “Mmh. Could do. If you’ll do mine, I mean, not that I believe we trolls need it but if we’re after avoiding lususial wrath here…”
He sneaks you a coy look over your shoulder, and you snort, grin back.
"What time is it?" he adds, distractedly, as you go through your sylladex for the tube of the stuff that you hid as far down as you could. His arms are around your waist and you can’t help but enjoy his biceps, shit, those are usually well-hidden under his shirts but wow.
"Six twenty," you answer just as distractedly — you don’t remember the hash code for sunscreen off the top of your head…
"—Oh, fuck." His arms tighten on you, which is pretty nice, but the feeling behind it… You crane your neck to look at him. "I promised Dad I’d have the kitchen clean by the time he needs to cook, and now he’ll be late for everyone’s meal, oh hell, I am a failure who can’t be trusted with—"
You elbow him in the ribs and frown sternly at him.
"—And you’re a vile feathery singer-monster distracting me with your half-naked wiles," Karkat finishes with a put-upon frown.
Then he nips your neck. You wriggle backward between his thighs. “Did you just call me a siren, bro — that’s so grossly perfect, Jesus, I hate you a bit.”
He shoves at you, groaning and laughing, and you allow yourself to stumble off him, smirking, though you’re a bit disappointed.
"Yeah, I’m pretty proud of that one, seeing as it’s a matter of time until you subject me to your attempts at slam poetry and electronic sound massacre."
"How can you distrust my rad music, bro," you say, and caw sadly. He throws water in your face.
You waste another five minutes horsing around before he manages to drag himself out of the Jacuzzi. You don’t follow him out, mostly because yep, his briefs sure got clingy in the back, and you still have that chubby to camouflage, though you’re sure you have fooled around enough he has long since noticed it was there.
He puts on his shorts, drenches them immediately, and his shirt too. He rakes a hand through wet hair, shaking droplets all over the place. His horns are all shiny-wet.
"Okay, so I’ll… go."
"Yeah, okay."
"Okay."
"Okay."
You’re nodding like idiots at each other. So lame. The lamest. You kind of want to ask for a goodbye kiss. For a second date. For five more minutes. It was nice and you don’t want it to be over yet.
"We are being ridiculous. I’ll troll you tonight, and now, goodbye!"
He stalks toward the door, and then pauses, turns around, hesitant.
"… Matesprits?"
Oh. Yeah. Guess there’s. There’s that.
You guys are gonna have to talk out the quadrants/boyfriends thing someday. Right now, you don’t wanna. You swallow, and you nod. “Trial period, though?”
"I haven’t forgotten you’re a shy woodland creature who freezes in mortal terror at the advancing headlights of any relationship, Byrd," Karkat replies, rolling his eyes, but then he rakes his eyes down your body and the hickey he left on your chest, one inch over your nipple, and he smirks at you. "One day you’ll realize that you can break a matespritship even outside of a trial period and stop being so scaredy, but hey, must be my bulge talking because it’s almost cute.”
He walks out to you puffing yourself up with outrage, smirking and waving over his shoulder. The jerk.
The jerk with a hella nice ass, though.
Also nice shoulders, and a nice, secret smile, and Jesus but when his eyes go all heavy-lidded it’s like a happy punch straight to your crotch.
Pff.
You let yourself fall back in slow motion in the water, floating with your belly up (no, your ship does not need a flag right now, you stop that, Not So Little Byrd), and then you smile a little because it might not have been spectacular, or scorching-hot, but yeah, it was a date, and it was enjoyable, and you enjoyed it. He’s prickly in fun ways and incisive and thoughtful about the oddest topics you didn’t think needed dissecting, and he’s got a smart mouth to match yours and… you still don’t know him well enough to say for sure, but you know him a little better than you did.
You’ve got a … you don’t want to say a good feeling, not yet, too early, but it still feels…
Oh hey. That’s “hopeful.” The feeling you’re having.
Not bad, huh.
—
— truncatedGrip [TG] started pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] —
TG: ill trade you makeout stories if you wanna
GA: In Exchange For What
TG: for other makeout stories duh
TG: with like other protagonists
TG: other me shaped protagonists
TG: (who are not dave just to be clear)
GA: Oh Ho
GA: That Was The Proper Revelatory Noise Was It
TG: yeah it was youre in the clear
GA: Karkat I Assume
GA: As you Have Previously Expressed Interest Of A Concupiscent If Unquadranted Nature
GA: Has The Unquadranted Question Been Settled
TG: ayup :)
GA: Is That A Pictographic Facial Mimic I See
GA: I Feel This Calls For Another Oh Ho
GA: Oh Ho
GA: !!
TG: youre seeing things maryam
GA: Yes Indeed I Do And Some Even Happen To Actually Be Here How Funny
TG: caught me :)
GA: Tell Me Everything