Name: Marnie
:
Question: Hi Moxie,
I’m looking for someone for marriage. In my South Asian culture, it’s normal for people to have an arranged marriage, which is less like the stereotypical lock-down and more of a family-mediated match-making.
My mom put up a bunch of profiles in online matrimony websites and got some responses, but whenever she sent them a picture of me (I think this happened about 3 or 4 times, so in other words, enough times) she got no response back and the guys or the ‘parents’ of the guys told her that they’ve found someone else.
She told me to pick some guys and message them, and I was interested in one guy who seemed to be genuine, from Mumbai (I live in Vancouver, Canada) and he was pretty pushy at first calling me (via Facebook msg) and texting me to do Facetime. He kept asking for my photos (all this happened without 2 or 3 days) and as soon as I sent him one, he dropped off without saying ‘bye’. I’m not sad as the way the guy came off seemed pretty rude and pushy, but it made me feel like crap as in “am I really THAT ugly?”.
Another guy, who I thought was pretty interesting, his parents asked for my pic and sent me his pic (I suspect that it was actually him, but who knows?) and after my mom sent him a pic, they wished me luck and told me that he seems to be interested in another girl. The thing is, our community is very small, and I actually located him on match.com via filtering and he’s still sporadically active on that website. Should I reach out to him?
A little about me:
1) I just finished engineering and am working (unrelated) at a bank. I’m polishing up my skills and looking for an engineering job that would pay more than my ~45k that bank pays.
2) I’m approx 140 lbs and 5’3″. I don’t consider myself overweight but I’d like to get toned and slimmed, and have started healthy eating, hitting the gym (I’m very lazy though) and am planning on getting a trainer starting next week to speed this up.
3) I never wear makeup. I have really sensitive skin and had (still have) hormonal acne. I’ve bought some makeup but still have to make it a ‘routine’.
4) I feel like I have no social life. I’m working on myself and just enjoying my work company.
5) Major thing: I had a difficult upbringing and was molested at the age of 5 by a teenager, I’ve also felt very inadequate when I hit puberty and had a growth spurt. My mom basically blamed the sexual abuse on me saying that ‘I should have stopped it’ and had a traumatizing childhood mostly thanks to her since she used to say that I was hitting puberty so early since I was getting the ‘feelz’ and that I was boycrazy. I’m getting counseling for it, and I’ve come to the terms that my mom and I are two different people and we will never get along. She provides everything for me physically and I still live under her roof, but emotionally she was never there. I went through bouts of depression for which my mom thought that I was just making things up for attention and took away my pills.
I feel so guilty however, as she does what she thinks is best, even though it frustrates and enrages me.
I also feel very guilty because my dad got diagnosed with a terminal illness and this was just coming at the cusp of me starting the process of moving out, which I’ve put on hold in order to help me.
The point of this whole rambling is: I want things to change. I don’t want to be a bro. I don’t want to be a ‘best buddy’. I don’t want to be sexually repressed. I don’t want people, and especially guys to reject me so unceremoniously. I don’t want people to tell me ‘I’m pretty’ only because they sense my misery. I want to marry someone I love and raise a family. Hopefully, I’m moving up in my career and earning potential and if there’s one good thing about me is that I haven’t given up: I’m still planning on pursuing higher education but that’s been put on hold because of a lot of personal issues (after my dad got sick, we put up our house for sale, but thankfully decided to just rent it out to make ends meet). F*ck it. I want to be an object of desire. I want it all. But, how???
I’d like to send you the pics that were sent to the guys. Is it possible to attach it so only you can see it and not the rest of the readers?
Age: 31
You don’t need to send me pictures. First, I am hardly an arbiter of beauty standards. Second, I’m a woman and therefore can not tell you with any real accuracy whether or not you’re attractive to men. Third, literally EVERYONE who does this kind of blind taste test and sends people their photos eventually finds themselves in your shoes. This is why I am vehemently opposed to this form of online dating, where you communicate with someone then share a picture.
Let’s be real. You would never describe yourself in a profile the way you did in this letter, right? Like most people, you’d try and spin what you perceive as your flaws. The problem with that is that the person reading this puffed up version of you will develop an image in their head. No matter what you look like, you probably will not match the idea of you that they’ve manufactured. If you’re going to continue using these matrimony sites, try to find one where you can post a photo so you don’t have to go through this time and again. That sort of rejection is brutal on a person’s self-esteem.
Now let’s get to the nitty gritty: Your Mom sounds like a nightmare. You need to get away from her and live your own life. Any parent that blames their five year-old child for their molestation is a very toxic human being. Yes, it’s unfortunate that your father is ill, but you can move out and still be there for him. There will never be a “right” time to move, especially with your mother being so critical and unsupportive. She will guilt you into staying at home. Don’t let her. The last thing she wants is for you to surpass her in life goals. She’s trying to keep you down. I would never go after someone’s parent like this, but any person who who tries to gaslight a woman into believing she’s at fault for being assaulted – let alone at five years old – is a dumpster fire of a human being. Your mother failed you and she can’t deal with the guilt so she blamed you.
I’m a survivor of sexual abuse. I was just a few years older than you were and it went on for a period of years. It wasn’t the molestation itself that scarred me. It was the fact that I told my father and sisters about it and they did nothing. They didn’t defend me. The didn’t protect me. And to this day, they have never apologized for acting as though I was wrong for holding on to my resentment. An experience like this can infect a person with thoughts like they don’t matter or that nobody will ever want them. Hello, depression.
There are aspects to your letter that make me wonder if you’re subconsciously trying to sabotage your efforts to meet someone. Here’s what sticks out to me: you don’t socialize and stick to hanging out with your co-workers. You fall back on school and your father’s illness as reasons not to pursue the life you say you want. You stay to yourself. I highlight this because that mirrors my behavior. Ad I’ve come to learn, that sort of self-isolation is tied to not having the support of a parent. Since we couldn’t turn to them in times we needed nurturing, we learned how to give it to ourselves. Instead of being reliant on our parents and protectors, we turn our feelings inward. The upside is that we become inordinately self-reliant. The downside is that we become inordinately self-reliant and therefore see no purpose or point to reaching out. We stick with what feels safe, like how you don’t venture outside of your crew of co-workers. I’m just spitballing here. It’s worth bringing up to your therapist. It’s a disorder called dismissive avoidant personality type.
Moving on….
Maybe I’m missing something here, but it doesn’t sound to me like you even want to get married. It sounds like your mother wants you to get married. You appear to have your shit together; you’re educated, have a good job, and wish to pursue higher education. The rest will come in time if you want it. But it’s not going to come because you learned how to apply blush and highlighter or because you lost ten pounds. You can be an object of desire right now, as is. You just need the confidence to do so. Stop relying on what other people think of you. Their opinions don’t matter. There will always be someone who doesn’t find you attractive. Everybody experiences that kind of rejection. No one person is universally attractive. If you want to lose weight, by all means, do it. It can’t hurt. But it won’t help in the ways you think it will. Even if you shed twenty pounds, there will still be guys who reject you. So you can either works towards being considered what other people find attractive or you can strive to be what you define as attractive. I know, that sounds trite and cliche, but it’s the truth.
Why not try traditional online dating? You’re not obligated to live your life by your parents rules, no matter what your mother says. She doesn’t get to abandon you when you needed her the most and then turn around and dictate how you should live your life. She doesn’t want the best for you, nor does she know what’s best for you. Only you know that.
Thoughts?
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