Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Wendy
:
Comment: I am 26 and I’ve gotten tired of dating guys (or boys I should say) in my age range and have been trying to focus my attentions on guys in the 30+ age bracket. I’ve been out of graduate school and working for over 2 years and am ready to start the next step of my life. Most men my age are just finishing up school and getting ready to start their “adult” lives. While that is obviously a great thing, I find that dating guys in this transitional period is almost always a waste as they are still trying to figure things out, where they fit, and what they actually want.
I have been casually dating a younger guy (he just turned 25) for the past 8 months and it has just further highlighted the different stages of life we are in. I prefer older men who are at a more secure point in their lives. My problem is that older men seem to see me as some sort of prize or trophy that is exciting to keep around for a while but ultimately not dating material. I’m a good boost for their ego and a great story for their friends but they don’t want to take me home to their parents because I’m “too young.” I have a doctorate degree and am more than financially stable so my question is how do I get people to see past my youthful appearance and focus on my personality and accomplishments?
I am what most people would consider conventionally attractive but I do also tend to look younger than my age. I used to get mistaken for a high school student fairly often, (which is not a good thing in the health care profession when your patients refuse to think you’re qualified for your job). Since then I’ve managed to tweak my make up and how I dress to more accurately reflect my age but those cosmetic changes have only gotten me so far. I most often get 22-23, and if I’m lucky 24, these days.
I honestly do not think I fit the young and ditzy stereotype. I’m fairly sure I present myself as a confident professional woman but I could be wrong about that. In the past when I have gone out with 30+ men it has always been for 2 or 3 months until things start to get serious and then they balk at the idea of making it “official.” Any advice you or your readers have would be much appreciated.
Age: 26
City: Charleston
State: West Virginia
I think the biggest problem you’re having is understanding that the “older” men you seek don’t really care how established and educated you are. They just don’t. It’s seen as a plus that you’re well educated and financially secure, but those two things don’t generally make it to the top of a man’s must-have list when choosing a long-term partner. To put it bluntly, guys don’t really give a shit about your accomplishments. Usually, it’s women who place importance on that because accomplishments equal bragging rights. So, if you’re leading with those things, then that could be why you’re not encountering the types of guys that you want.
It doesn’t sound strange to me that a guy in his early or mid thirties might date you for a few months then move along. I don’t think their decision to leave has anything to do with your youthful appearance and more to do with the fact that you and they are in two different places in your lives. Sure, dating someone your age is fun..for awhile. But pretty soon that lack of things in common become an issue. A 5-10+ year age gap isn’t remotely a problem once you get in your thirties. But there’s something about being in your twenties that I think make a lot of people wonder if that twentysomething person is eventually going to change. Which they will, of course. That, too, is a deterrent. Like you said, there’s a lot of transitional issues that crop up in your twenties that are typically settled by your thirties.
On top of that, if I may be so bold, you sound pretty serious and a little uptight. If guys are passing on a relationship with you for any reason, I think it has more to do with your personality and life experience than anything else. Unless you look like a teenager, most men aren’t going to be concerned with dating someone who looks too young. Oh, if only that were true. I think what might be going on is that some men have a hard time relating to you.
I think your challenge here is a lack of interpersonal compatibility. I don’t think it has anything to do with age. Adding to your struggle is that the reality is that people in general are in less of a rush to commit and settle down. It’s not just guys in their late twenties to mid-thirties.
I’m not really sure what to say here because all signs point to this having nothing to do with what you think it’s about. While you may have a disdain for dating your male peers, I think it might help you to find situations or activities that attract more intellectual and serious minded guys closer to your age. Online dating is an option, but you could also look into wine tastings and alumni functions or professional networking organizations. Those things tends to attract people who are looking to move past their nights out at happy hour.
I think the best advice I can give you is to loosen up and stop being so hard on guys your age or a couple years older.
Thoughts?
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