Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Maurlina
Comment: Hi Moxie,
I found your website though the Frisky and then started reading your articles and comments on XOJane. I’m hung up a guy, my friends are too nice about it, and I think I need some real talk.
We met through a professional development session. We started talking and right from the start I felt super comfortable with him. I could tell he was very into me and a little nervous but he asked for my email so he could “send me resources.” That night all I could think about was oh, this could be it (not marriage, but a meaningful relationship. I date a lot but have only had that feeling 3 times total. In general I’d rather be happily single than with a mismatch.
We saw each other the next week at Christmas party, made loose plans to hang out the next day which never happened so I asked him out for drinks that next Friday.
We have a good time talking at the bar with our knees brushing up against each other and talking about things that felt meangingful. Then came back to my place, a little touching, a little dirty talk but the clothes stayed on. He messaged me that night saying he had a great time. Two days later I asked if he wanted to do an activity. He said Saturday might work.
So I don’t hear from him, I got a bad feeling but Friday in the afternoon I text him trying to figure whats up for tomorrow. He texts back 6 hours later asking what I’m up to and I say I have plans with friends. He texts me the next afternoon asking what I was up to later. Pissed about his behavior, I say I’m busy and that I had a good time when we went out but I’m interested in a planned ahead date not late night, last minute activities. He says ok see you in 2015! Then we both go visit other places for 2 weeks and I haven’t heard from him except for a Facebook friend request.
Normally I’d write him off as a douche only out for sex, but he is this smart, nerdy, sweet guy who has a job that has him working intensely with a disadvantaged population and he has been recognized for his work. Plus the time we spent together was so awesome.
I don’t know if he’s totally clueless about dating or what. I just can’t make sense of what happened.
Age: 24
City: San Jose
State: California
It sounds to me like you both got your wires crossed a bit. From reading this, it seems like this guy was trying to get together with you. When you said you preferred dates that were more planned out, I think he may have erroneously assumed that texting you in the afternoon to see what you were doing in the evening was what you were asking him to do. To him, sending that message in the afternoon is considered “planned in advance.” Had he been as interested as you wanted him to be, he would have said more than, “Okay! See you in 2015!” That was him peacing out, thinking he had either made yet another mistake or had done what you asked and you were being difficult. It’s possible he saw your insistence to plan things in advance as a hoop you wanted him to jump. Next time, frame that need in a way that conveys your own busy schedule and desire to firm up plans.
It’s normal to want to feel like you matter enough for someone to block out a chunk of time just for you. Nobody likes to feel like an afterthought, and that’s what a last minute or day off request to meet communicates. It says, “I have nothing better to do, so…” Who wants to go out on a date with someone feeling like they’re sloppy seconds?
I’m not sure clueless is the right word for how he acted. I think ambivalent is a better description of his behavior. Dating has become very loosey goosey in that making plans far ahead and all the typical courting rituals we’re used to are no longer common. For people in their twenties, sending last minute texts suggesting a hang out later seems to be the norm. Group dates where someone invites you out to hang with them while they’re with friends are also very common. Singles in their twenties have adopted a very casual attitude towards dating. That changes as you get older.
If he sent you the Facebook request after you two had the text exchanged mentioned in the letter, he could be testing the waters to see if you’re still interested. I would accept the friend request and see what happens next. But what you need to understand is that he probably isn’t in a place where he’s going to be able to schedule dates in advance, either due to his schedule or a lack of desire to do so. Right now, this is what he can offer. He doesn’t appear to be as intensely into you as you are into him. That doesn’t make him a bad person. It just means he’s someone who, for the moment, doesn’t deserve the majority of your focus. Also keep in mind that nerdy, shy, super cool guys can still be douchebags. The douchebag tag isn’t exclusive to Alpha Males.
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