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Name: Sharon
Comment: Hi,I met a guy on line, we met for coffee for a first date, we spoke on the phone twice prior and I was receiving texts for about a month back and forth before he confirmed a date, I usually like to talk on the phone first and if the conversation goes well and sounds okay then meet, I don’t usually like to go through so many texting. I had to push to finally confirm the date since he’d say lets have coffee some time but never make a firm commitment. Prior to the date that day he kept sending me recent pictures from his phone by text and wanted me to take another photo of me or send another one, I had one good one saved in my phone but no others and didn’t want to take one right at the moment. My profile has several clear photos that are recent. He also sent a picture that day before the date of himself in a towel! He thought he was being funny since I said I was at the swimming pool in the day and going in for a dip, but that seemed like a warning sign. I told him hope I’m not giving him the wrong impression and that he was kidding, said I’m being careful since meeting him on line, I let it go and agreed to see him later. The date seemed to go well, we hit it off, had a connection, I kissed him goodbye (a real kiss) but left, he asked if I wanted to hang out, said we’d go out again. He texted me when he got home and asked me what I thought of the first meeting, wrote to me “well?” I told him I enjoyed his company and talking with him and would like to see him again. Two days later he wrote me again, I was out with friends and he asked if I wanted company later and for him to stop by, I was texting back and forth flirting a little but told him was driving a friend home and not sure when we’d be back and asked to meet over the weekend, he told me weeknights are best, says he’s divorced but spends his weekends with his 2 kids, I’m also a single mom, sounds like he can still be married? I spend weekends with my child but have some weekends free or at least he would have the nights free, they don’t stay over his place, he moved close to his old house a few blocks away and says he can come by whenever he likes. The following day he wrote me in the morning, and asked when is he coming over? I told him I’m not just looking for a quick hook up and want to get to know him first, he wrote back, sure, I should wait at least 3 or 4 dates, I wrote him it’s not my style and maybe that’s all he wants, he wrote “No, but fun to do until we can go out and do things, and that he’s not going to get emotionally attached to someone unless he can please and be pleased.” Basically he pissed me off, but I wrote to him, up to him if he wants to see me again, he wrote, good to know. That night he texted me, and sent a close up photo of his face saying hi, wrote him back, he asked if I was alone, I said no, with my child, he asked if I’d be up a while and that he was going to send me a picture. He ended up sending me a dirty picture, a close up of his penis, this never happened to me yet from on line dating, I was shocked, apparently there are lots of people doing this stuff and sexting but its not my thing! So, I wrote to him forget it and not to write me again. I blocked him on line. I still got a text a week later saying hi how are you? I ignored it, then 2 more times, one saying hi and one asking to go to coffee again on a Friday, I got annoyed and responded that after the picture he sent me there’s no point talking again and that I’m not into sexting and I guess he is and that he said his x was into that and that’s why they divorced but looks like he is too. He wrote back saying”oops did I send you a junk pic? Sorry. Take care.” Know he’s a liar, thought that was the end but then I viewed his profile and I guess he can tell even though I blocked and he wrote to me on line somehow even though he was blocked with sending a flirt saying I’m going to start the conversation , lets get to know each other. I ignored it, hasn’t wrote me again, I need to move on, trying to meet other people and set up dates but haven’t set any up yet since them, was end of August, now early Oct. It’s just frustrating, I wish this guy didn’t do what he did and wanted to go on a real date and get to know me but guess he has another agenda, I was attracted to him but know its not safe to go home with a stranger and I’m not looking for a one night stand, I’m looking for a relationship. Any advice?
s
Age: 43
City: long island
State: NY
That’s a lot to take in. You hopefully learned your lesson. What lesson? Well, there were a few. I’ll highlight them below and add in a few more.
1. Communication before the first date should be minimal – I have hit my threshold as to how many times I can say this. Somebody who engages you in text-only conversations for several days or more who do not commit to a date DOES NOT WANT TO MEET YOU. They are either bored or completely screwing with you for their own personal amusement.
2. If you have to push them to meet, they’re not interested – As someone here has said before, you never want to spend your time and money on someone on someone who is half-heartedly agreeing to meet you.
3. If they send you pics – any pics – unsolicited, they’re trying to get more pics of you – If your profile photos are recent and clear and give a reasonably good idea of what you’ll look like in person, you should NEVER accommodate a request for more pics. Either that person wants to be sure that 90 minutes will be worth their time (joy) or they’re trying to get you to send naked pics to which they can fap away!
4. Refusal to move communication offline or to offer other contact info before meeting is a red flag – I know, I know..SAFETY SHAMING! Look, if you refuse to take things off the site or require burner phones and anonymous email addresses and require all kinds of steps, I can’t be bothered. I just don’t want to deal with that level of paranoia and special snowflakeness. I’m also not going to trust you and wonder if maybe you just don’t want to get caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing. Maybe I’m reckless in the kinds of contact info I give out. I’m so used to being part of the public domain that I assume people know who I am and what I do before we even speak. I admit that I have a much thicker skin because of this.
5. Declarations of wanting a long-term relationship in a profile should be taken with a grain of salt – Unpopular opinion alert: I think people who explicitly state that they’re looking for someone “to grow old with” or are seeking “their partner in life” are sketchy. They’re either saying what they think readers want to hear or they’re on the fast track to coupledom. Neither of which are good signs.
6. If you’ve plainly stated that you don’t want to hear from them and they keep contacting you, block their ass – By continuing to do what you clearly asked them not to do indicates potential boundary issues.
7. If they admit something salacious in their profile, but act all vague and defensive when you ask them about it, avoid them – I once had a guy on OKCupid email me who, in his questions, admitted that he at one time worked in a “scandalous” industry . When I asked him to specify, he thought it would be adorable to ask me why I wanted to know hahahaha and what I thought it might be. Yawn. I told him I wasn’t going to bounce some imaginary ball with him because he was squeamish to talk about something HE WROTE ABOUT IN HIS PROFILE. Block.
8. Use of the word Alpha as a descriptor is no bueno – There are confident and assertive women and men and then there are the self-identifying “alphas.” To quote Joey Tribbiani, you don’t say you’re alpha. That negates the alpha-ness. People who describe themselves as Alpha personalities are, well, douches. Male or female, it doesn’t matter. Alpha men and women don’t have to say it, those around them can sense it. Those who do have to spell it out have some confidence and possible aggression issues. Users who say they’re looking for alpha types should also probably be approached with caution.
9. If they say they’re looking for friends first “with the possibility of more” or seeking something casual “but open to more” or some variation of those, they are flight risks – What’s a flight risk? Well, it’s someone who is skittish or ambivalent about commitment and possibly even dating itself. They’re the people who are into it one day, backing off the next.
10. If, after you’ve met, they tell you how amazing you are and want to still hang out but aren’t really sure if they’re open to dating anyone right now, appropriate your expectations – These people are re-establishing the boundaries of the dynamic. They want to date you, but they don’t see themselves ever taking things to a level beyond casual. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s them. Who knows? What I do know is that those people rarely change their minds.
11. If they live in another state or country they’re either scammers or possess a quality that makes it difficult for them to meet someone closer to them - Flame away. Sorry, these people are up to no good or will end up being more trouble than they’re worth.
If you’re looking for a relationship, then it’s best to skip over people who exhibit these behaviors. These folks will end up sapping your energy and getting in the way of you meeting someone extraordinary.