Last week my eleven year old daughters heart broke and I was left with picking up the pieces and mending it. At this point in her life I would say it has been like many kids. It has not been free of bumps and bruises. She has experienced loss and sadness but never at the hand of her own abilities.
For the past month she had been attending cheerleading clinics in hoping to make her new middle school squad. She spent her free time jumping and stretching around the house. She tumbled in every clear space in the house. She developed a confidence and excitement that was wonderful and terrifying.
She pushed herself harder than she has ever tried for anything in the past. I have prayed for her to self motivate in any area of her life for a long time. I don’t know what it was about this team or this support but her determination was undeniable. It was spilling over into the rest of her being too. She was trying harder in school so she had more time to practice. She pushed herself socially as she entered a room with kids that were above her in stature, age and ability.
At the time of tryouts as a mother I had to straddle a fine line of encouragement and expectations. I knew in my heart that she was not going to make the team. But, she didn’t. When the list was posted I held my breath hoping that I was wrong. But, I wasn’t and she was devastated. No amount of me preparing her for that outcome equaled how she felt when it happened.
Today this was a team tryout. Tomorrow it might be a grade or test result, in a few years it might be a club or job interview. These feelings will someday extend to relationships and future responsibilities. This was not going to be be her last disappointment and how I chose to handle this would shape her expectations and reactions for the future.
1. Praise your child for their accomplishments.
For my daughter, I was quick to compliment her determination and hard work. I made sure that she understood that this failure of one event did not sum up her value as a person.
2. Do not over inflate their ego.
Something I see often in parents is when their child hurts emotionally is to smother them with unrealistic and false securities. i.e you were just too good for this, it is a a good thing it didn’t work out you were better than everyone else.
This mentality is hurtful to their development. Speaking lies out of love is detrimental. Speaking truth with compassion humbles and encourages.
3. Do not place blame.
Your child does not need to learn the lessons of life being unfair through the lens of it is everybody else’s fault. News flash, pushing blame in every other direction to deflect feelings of disappointment are misdirected and unuseful.
4. Let the experience be a lesson in persistence.
If your child had a goal that wasn’t met don’t let them give up on it. If it is healthy goal and desire work with them on how they can improve. Talk about how hard work can pay off and make a plan that encourages improvement. Allowing kids to quit at the first moment of rejection sets them up for a pattern for this in the future. Things worth having whether it be a sport, job or a relationship is worth working for!
5. Don’t place your past failures, fear, anger and disappointment on your child.
In instances of disappointment as the parent we can sometimes clearly pin point where it wrong. We are angry that they screwed up something that you helped them practice. Being angry does not give your child clarity in their own feelings it just projects your emotions onto them.
In this same thought, when your child hurts you often recall your own hurts. There is a time and place to share experience but it is vital for your child to know that you value their feelings and recognize that this is their event and their emotions are valid and don’t have to mirror your own past disappointments.
6. Help your child make a new goal and manage expectations.
This is vital. In some instances when we face disappointment it is for an opportunity that they won’t ever be able to have again. More often their disappointment is something that that they can use for motivations to be keep trying.
In either instance this is a get back on the horse mentality. You can not allow kids to wallow and give up. Changing plans and adjusting goals is a healthy route in recovering from a disappointment. But, the most important and crucial part of dealing with disappointment in children is helping them understanding the that the feelings of finality in defeat are fleeting. Allow your child the time to mourn the loss of the goal and quickly be ready to allow them to rebound with an attainable goal that will reinstate passion and purpose!
How we react to your child’s successes and failures shapes how they handle their future. I wish that my best and my children’s best always resulted in success. But the truth is that we are going to be met with challenges, hurts and hang ups and how we react and allow our kids to react changes their projectory.