You know those soul sisters that share the same rich, fiery love for Christ as you? Women who love their kids, their husbands and their homes, longing to display His grace as they do? Their care might manifest itself different than yours, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay—it is welcomed. Two of these sisters, Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk, have written a book; a collection of fallacies that can entangle moms, tripping us up: Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe and Why We All Need to Knock it Off. What if we cleared up a mistaken notion about moms who mother differently? They aren’t wrong—just different. I’ve asked one of these soul sisters (Karen) to share from her heart a new goal for us moms. How to build bridges instead of erecting fences. It’s a grace to welcome Karen to the farm’s front porch today…
guest post by Karen Ehman
“Given the choice between being right and being nice, it is better to choose being nice.” —Ernie Harwell
I wish I could say that I have never participated in the mommy wars, but sadly, I have.
Working moms versus stay-at-home parents.
Cloth versus disposable.
Bottle versus breast.
And on and on.
While very rarely debating the issue with a member of the other side, I have talked about them behind their backs, most often with other members who were on the same side I was.
Shame on me.
Scripture calls us to a higher standard. We are to speak to and about people graciously. Period.
In 1 Corinthians 4:12–13a we read, “We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.”
We answer kindly.
Hmmm … When Paul was being cursed he blessed. When he was being persecuted, he endured it. And when he was scandalously slandered, he answered kindly.
Now, having a different opinion about parenting opinions and family lifestyle choices doesn’t exactly qualify as being cursed, persecuted, or slandered. We just might feel slightly left out. Somewhat misunderstood. Maybe a little alone.
But if Paul says we are to speak kindly even when someone is cursing, persecuting, or slandering us, then certainly we could speak with kindness to someone who has a different opinion than we do on mothering.
Everyone has a different life story. And on some issues of mothering, we ruin friendships—or prevent new ones from forming—when we dig our heels in dogmatically!
And do you know what we do as a result?
We erect fences where we could be building bridges instead.
Take the issue of whether a baby should sleep in a crib or with the parents.
I’ve seen heated debates and fractured friendships over this one. What do I believe? Well … we had one child who slept with us when he was a baby and two who did not. All three (now adults and teens) turned out just fine, thank you very much.
You know what the issue for me is? Not who is sleeping where … but who is sleeping?! If you can sleep with a baby in your bed—and have a bed big enough to make it safe—then yay! If you can’t, don’t. Or if you can’t get any shut-eye at all with junior between you and the Mister, then get a crib and a good baby monitor. It isn’t who is sleeping where, but where everyone can sleep so the family is the most rested.
What does it do to our relationships with other mothers when we assert that there is only one God-approved way to deal with all aspects of parenting?
Yep.
Yep. We grab the hammer, turn the wood on its end and construct a fence instead of humbly laying down the lumber—and a little bit of our lives—to form a bridge, walking with love to the other side.
Let’s learn to give grace—to others and even to yourself!
Don’t sweat it if you can’t make food from scratch like your friend does. Nothing wrong with a good bakery.
Don’t freak out if you don’t grind your own wheat. It is okay.
I do happen to grind my own wheat and I love it. But I certainly don’t expect everyone else to do the same thing!
Just like I hope you don’t ask me to make anything with kale. What is up with all this kale?! I tried it once and it smelled like a giant stink bomb had gone off in my house and no one would touch the stuff.
So I will stick to my grinding of wheat. You stick to your munching on the dark curly green stuff. We will both still love each other, right? ;-)
Make sure that the path you are on is the one God has planned for you.
Let’s stop looking to other women and their choices, and look to God instead for direction.
Know the place the Father has planned for you at this time in your mothering journey.
Yes. Know your place, but grant others grace.
Sure, pick other women’s brains.
Read great books.
Observe.
Weigh and pray.
But make sure that you are going to God and His Word for your mothering marching orders.
And then?
Go forward with confidence—not condescending cockiness—and serve Him and your family as you enjoy your unique journey of motherhood.
May we commence building bridges with love and grace
and let the ugly fences fall.
Karen Ehman is a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker, and New York Times best-selling author. She has written seven books including KEEP IT SHUT: What to Say, How to Say It & When to Say Nothing at All and LET. IT. GO: How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking in Faith. Married to her college sweetheart Todd and the mother of three, she enjoys feeding the many teens who gather around her kitchen island for a taste of Mama Karen’s cooking.
Co-author Ruth Schwenk is the creator of TheBetterMom.com, and along with her husband, Patrick, FortheFamily.org. She is a pastor’s wife with four energetic kids, a lover of coffee, and dreamer of big dreams. A graduate of Moody Bible Institute, Ruth and her husband have been full-time ministry for over fifteen years.
Karen and Ruth have joined together to write Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe and Why We All Need to Knock it Off. It’s due time we replace lies with the comforting truth — A needed book-friend for every mom.
[Our humble thanks to Zondervan for their partnership in today’s devotion ]