2014-09-15

If Melrose Place has been set in a Florida at a sex-segregated residential treatment program, it would have been The Florida House Experience. Once a resort of some kind, the Deerfield Beach rehab is now raising the roof for nearly 100 men and women at any given time who are looking to put down the four-foot daiquiri and pick up some recovery. Although having your own apartment in a building that looks like the set of a nighttime soap opera, complete with a centralized pool area for maximized gab time, may seem like a invitation to screw around, make no mistake; the program at FHE is nothing to gossip about.

Treatment at FHE starts off with a medical detox (if needed) where clients have the luxury of going through withdrawal in 800-thread count sheets (although some places on the website say 500, so buyers beware). Does that make a difference when you are shaking, sweating and puking your brains out? Maybe not, but the fact that every room is equipped with a flat screen TV definitely counts. Nothing takes the edge off quite like a Golden Girl marathon on an HD TV. But a full-blown withdrawal might be avoided entirely as FHE utilizes Methadone, Suboxone, Ativan and Klonopin detox protocols because their clients’ “comfort and safety” are their number one concern. This is reflected in the facility’s bathrooms, which are stocked with fluffy, FHE monogrammed towels and a rain-shower, if you’re into that kind of thing. Unlimited snacks and ice cream are also available around the clock in the facility’s dining room. It’s kind of too bad all of this awesomeness comes with the worst part of your recovery.

After detox is complete and clients have been fully stabilized and evaluated, they are transitioned into their own sober same-sex Real World apartment with a gender-specific pool and as much as three same-sex roomies (they really don’t want any opposite sex funny business); most residents are white, middle-class and could be harboring a dual-diagnosis (but honestly, who isn’t these days, am I right?).

Get comfy here because this is where you will spend the next 30 to 90 days where you won’t really being able to use the phone (therapist approval required) and you’ll have to adhere to FHE’s expectations of cleanliness. To make sure you know they aren’t messing around, room checks happen daily, sometimes throughout the day, and affect what privileges are granted to the occupants. This might be a pain in the butt, but no serious elbow grease needs to be exerted. Staff only requires clients to make their bed and keep their area and the common areas clean and do a surface cleaning of the apartment once a week, as a deeper cleaning is done by the facility’s housekeeping service.

Wake up is at 7 am and clients are required to make their own breakfast, as well as all meals, as food is not provided by the facility. Everyone is given $70 a week for groceries and $50 a week credit at JoJo’s Café, the on-site grab-and-go joint that is perfect for a mid-day iced coffee or a quick bag of chips. Meditation immediately follows breakfast and the first group session starts at 9:30 am. Days are spent in a mixture of group therapy, recovery work and mandatory 12-step meetings at night. Any down time can be spent well spent making use of your flat screen TV (with premium cable, including HBO), cooking, cleaning, reading, studying, bitching (aka getting to know your roommates), taking a swim, hitting the on-site gym, taking a yoga class, getting acupuncture or enjoying a massage at the Wellness Spot (although some former clients report that not all amenities are available at all times). Sundays are fun days, reserved for group outings to the beach (as long as your apartment has passed inspection that week), a big barbecue with the usual hot dogs and hamburgers (as well as chicken and occasionally pulled pork) and an on-site AA meeting led by one of the program’s alumni.

Although clients are required to attend nightly 12-step meetings, the program itself doesn’t make this the primary focus of the program. No one is expected to do any step work or get a sponsor. However, many of the group sessions mirror the 12-step dynamic with a sober alcoholic or addict sharing their experiences. Classes on spirituality, character defects and behavioral patterns are designed to teach people what these elements have to do with alcoholism and addiction.

When residential inpatient treatment is complete, clients have the option of transitioning into sober living—which involves no moving or changing much at all except the opportunity to start getting integrated back into society. Clients in the sober living community program stay in their apartments but are encouraged to get jobs, meet people, make outside friends and resume the components of a normal functioning life while still living in the safety and security of a sober environment with people they know. In short, Melrose Place may be stuck in a 90s time capsule but the real-life rehab with traces of it offers a serious program that also keeps client comfort and enjoyment in mind (though no Heather Locklear, alas).

The Florida House Experience

505 S Federal Hwy

Deerfield Beach, FL 33441

The Florida House Experience Cost: $17,500 (30 days). Reach The Florida House Experience at (866) 421-6242. Find The Florida House Experience on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Google+ and Pintrest

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