The Sydney Morning Herald recently ran an article about what most people know as ‘swinging,’ or sexually open relationships. Interestingly, the article was entitled “I believe in negotiated infidelity.” It seems to me that if you are negotiating a relationship with open sexual boundaries, word ‘infidelity’ is not the best choice.
Expanding beyond coupledom, photo courtesy of Wkimedia Commons
To have a relationship with open sexual boundaries requires the couple to question what fidelity means for them. Is being faithful defined by sexual monogamy? By emotional monogamy? In polyamorous relationships, multiple emotional and sexual connections can be maintained. So in that context, being ‘faithful’ transcends both emotional and sexual faithfulness. As the author of the article points out, it’s crucial to have a thorough discussion of what boundaries mean to you in your relationship at the outset. In any case, the research out there certainly seems to support the notion that open sexual boundaries are just as likely to strengthen a relationship than not. In a society where the divorce rate continually hovers at 50%, and in which 70% of marriages experience infidelity, it seems sensible to consider some alternatives to closet cheating.
I have to say that I was surprised to see an article about swinging in this context, but it just goes to show that the concept of open relationships is increasingly mainstream. Until the dawn of swinging in the 1960s, having a secret affair was the only way to go for couples who desired more sexual variety or passion than they could get in an exclusive relationship, and this trend continues today. There are numerous ‘dating’ sites dedicated to helping attached people find secret partners to have an affair with. And yet, there is a growing movement for sexual openness: with all the science and social research we have today about human sexuality, it seems clear that humans are perhaps not made for sexual (or even emotional) exclusivity. Many people desire to have an open and honest relationship in which one or both partners ‘play’ with others, together or separately. The book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality goes a long way towards substantiating the human need for sexual variety, and exposing the social constructionism which is at the heart of monogamous relationships. We’re catching on; according to the research quoted in the article, 13.2% of couples are in open relationships.
Having been in both kinds of relationships myself (monogamous and open), I can honestly say there are benefits and drawbacks to both. What do you think? I look forward to hearing others’ experience of this.
Emma