NSFW: The 8 Most Bizarre Pairings Spawned From #RP69FanFic
By Kel Fabie
Before we proceed, if you have issues imagining real-life people having imaginary gay sex, I would like to ask you to leave now. Done?
Okay. Now that you’re here on Incognito Mode (we won’t judge), you should know by now that #RP69FanFic was a prompt started by Philbert Dy in response to the demands of one Sandro Marcos for a recount of the VP votes. While it would be so much easier to just cyber-bully Sandro into submission, Mr. Dy took the subversive route.
I’d like to announce my new project: a Sandro Marcos-Sebastian Duterte slashfic.
— Phil Dy (@philbertdy) May 10, 2016
It always starts out benignly. At least, to people who don’t know what “slash” means.
With that announcement, he immediately went down to business.
“I’d like to introduce you to my iron fist,” said Baste to the quivering Marcos scion.
— Phil Dy (@philbertdy) May 10, 2016
And so did Baste, apparently.
People immediately followed it up with gusto.
“Baste,” Sandro said. “If change is coming, please let it landslide. On my face.”@philbertdy #RP69fanfic
— Ade Magnaye (@AdeMagnaye) May 10, 2016
This writer is a natural.
From there, the hashtag has mutated into countless other pairings beyond the original SandroXBaste hookup. Some made all the sense in the world (Epic hatef*cks are typical fare in erotica, so PaoloXSandro Marcos is perfectly “normal”). Some did not—and never will, in a million years. Most of them involve the offspring of today’s political players, with a few elder characters thrown in for good measure. When it comes to smut, diversity is a must, apparently.
#KPopHalalan2016 never stood a chance.
This list is dedicated to the latter, and the bewildered reactions people would have to these pairings, also from the pool of tweets that used the hashtag. You can thank us later. After you wash your hands.
We promise one thing, though: we won’t go for the easiest punchline in the book, so don’t expect Dick Gordon to penetrate this list. Too late.
8. Brian Poe-Llamanzares X Sandro Marcos
While on first blush, this might seem a perfectly normal slash pairing, there’s one very important reason it might be a tad problematic…
Brian only had one thing in his mind as Sandro was making his way towards him: “How can I be sure we’re not really related?” #RP69Fanfic
— So, What’s News? (@SoWhatsNews) May 11, 2016
Oh, right.
Reception:
Bongbong on #RP69fanfic
It was too much for him to swallow pic.twitter.com/Tj6KYUzr6c
— rob cham? (@robcham) May 11, 2016
It made him gag.
7. Daniel Padilla X Sandro Marcos
Some people say that these two gentlemen vaguely look alike and are definitely hits with the tweens. Well, what if they were a hit with each other?
Sandro: *moans annoyingly louder and louder*
Daniel Padilla: *pulls out* Hindi naman ikaw ang umeeffort so shut up ka nalang!#RP69fanfic
— Hilder (@hjoldr) May 10, 2016
Daniel Padilla sticks to his principals.
Reception:
baka mag declare ulit ng martial law dahil dito hahaha #RP69fanfic
— eu (@eulisamaccaras) May 11, 2016
Don’t give them ideas!
6. Alma Moreno X Baste Duterte
Alma Moreno is the gift that keeps on giving, and despite her weight gain, her dance moves still show everyone that she’s still got it. Baste, for all his bad boy bluster, might find Lovely Ness to be a whole lot more than he can handle.
Sandro caught Alma kneeling in front of his partner, Baste.
“What the?!” Sandro yelled.
Alma: “Dasal lang talaga. Dasal lang.” #RP69fanfic
— Jan P. Dacumos (@jan_dacumos) May 11, 2016
Nakabukas kasi ang ilaw, eh.
Reception:
#RP69fanfic got u like pic.twitter.com/EPbIdIoPql
— Neon (@ooohneooon) May 10, 2016
Pillz!
5. Junjun Binay X Sandro Marcos
Junjun Binay is, predictably, the Butt Monkey of the #RP69FanFic jokes. But when he gets it on, he’s nobody’s Butt Monkey. Ganyan sila sa Makati.
Sandro: Oh my god, no one has ever made me feel this good
Junjun: Only Binay. #RP69fanfic
— Jomil (@immoJOM) May 11, 2016
Sino pa ba ang may magagawa pa?
Reception:
After reading a few #RP69fanfic tweets pic.twitter.com/7aV6VsvnSS
— Marissa Manaloto (@mcmanaloto) May 11, 2016
So wrong, yet so right.
4. Sandro Marcos X Luis Hontiveros X Baste Duterte
If just BasteXSandro is hot, how about when you throw in Rissa Hontiveros’s model son, Luis? It may have taken Rissa three tries to get in, but Luis can pull it off in one. And yes, Sandro can handle it. He’s covered two holes very recently, after all.
Sandro staring at Luis Hontiveros & Baste, naked.
“Now this is what you call hidden wealth. What lolo had before was nothing.”#RP69fanfic
— FRITZ MALIT (@fritzmalit) May 10, 2016
He can take your breath away the way the Marcoses took away our basic human rights.
Reception:
Ang lala nung #RP69fanfic pagpapawisan ka hahaha
— Philip (@philipmateooo) May 11, 2016
Is it just your hard drive, or is it getting hot in here?
3. SandroXBasteXPaoloXJunjun
Let’s go the whole nine yards with a foursome! It’s like an MRT train in this sausage party!
Sandro, Baste, Brian and Junjun in a dark room.
Baste: lets do threesome.
Junjun: that’s insulting… we’re 4 in here. #RP69fanfic
— Ram (@officialjezram) May 11, 2016
Hindi man lang pinag-uusapan kung gaano kalaki ang nota documents ni Binay.
Reception:
guys #RP69FanFic pic.twitter.com/dyaTfehjQk
— g. (@adidaslinson) May 11, 2016
He likes to watch.
2. Baste Duterte X Tricia Robredo
The only heterosexual pairing of note in the entirety of #RP69FanFic (No, Duriam has their own manga already. Leave them be.), the bad boy/good girl pairing may be perfectly normal in the real world, but when you’re given a slash fiction prompt, this is as unlikely as it gets.
Baste: Are you sure you’re really on top?
Tricia: Yes. But if you insist on topping me, there’s always Plan B. #RP69fanfic @philbertdy
— 4ever7 (@4ever7) May 11, 2016
Will the last man standing in this fic be a woman?
Reception:
Oh my God @philbertdy look what you’ve done. #RP69fanfic
— Quark Henares (@quarkhenares) May 11, 2016
This is Philbert Dy’s Ultron.
1. Teddyboy Locsin X Atom Araullo
There are no words. Really. And the awkwardness of trying to explain the whole thing to the real-life Teddyboy Locsin on Twitter just makes it even more insane.
#RP69fanfic
Atom: how big?
Teddy: bigger than du30’s lead. Do you want it?
Atom: pic.twitter.com/hbFV37xjnt
— juana (@falloutjas) May 11, 2016
Reception:
*furiously fans abaniko*#RP69FanFic
— Titas of Manila (@TitasofManila) May 11, 2016
*FAPNFAPNFAPNFAPN*
What’s your favorite pairing from #RP69FanFic? Sound off in the comments below!