Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
On a scale of awesome to herpes, the League Cup – as a concept – is a lot closer to the latter than the former. It’s a make-believe tournament conceived of to add games to an already packed schedule, thus making more money for clubs, sponsors, advertisers and the like (tho, paradoxically, they eschewed a sponsor this season, perhaps trying to rebut some of this very criticism). In the end though, some soccer is a whole lot better than no soccer, and the “random draw” set up some great matchups for this week, so let’s take a look at what we got on the dance card for this the fourth round…
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Milk
Rumbelows
Coca-Cola
Worthington
Carling
Capital One
EFL CUP
Let me start out by offering up my usual word of warning for those of you itching to gamble your nest-egg on a league cup game: do it at your peril. Lots of managers are going to use these games, especially early on in the competition like this, to rest starters and give some playing time to young and/or fringe players, which leads to some strange line-ups and even stranger results. You’ve officially been warned.
Anyway, here’s the slate of games on deck for today and tomorrow:
Let’s get the party started with the crosstown clash of extremely expensive but suddenly sucky clubs…
United [+160]
City [+175]
Draw [+235]
Jose Mourinho is so shook right now. Most of you may have heard this already but just after the final whistle of Chelsea recent ASS WHOOPING of United, Mourinho allegedly scolded Antonio Conte during the post-match handshake about celebrating too vociferously during the game.
I know the barstool ethos dictates that I am obligated to support that as some sort of “power move” but fuckkkkkkk that. That is the reaction of a wee man who got his ass handed to him and is fresh out of ideas about what to do about it.
This from a guy who celebrates like this when his team scores.
This from a guy who single-handedly patented the shake-hands-and-walk-down-the-tunnel-before-the-final-whistle move.
This is a guy that got BODIED by Grampa Wenger.
Is City out of sorts? Yeah, a bit. They haven’t won a game in a month, which for a team with that much talent is definitely concerning. But comparing City’s issues with United’s right now is like comparing Clinton to Trump. (Aw shit, sneaky political statement! Come at me commentnerds!) United’s defending was atrocious on Sunday but that was a bit of a one-off (though the likely absence of Eric Bailly would be a BIG miss). It is their midfield, which should be the team’s strength, where the biggest problem lies. Lack of cohesion, confusion on roles, constant mixing and matching. The club is just not in a good place right now. They’ll turn it around but – assuming Pep plays something resembling a top choice XI – I can’t in good faith go with United in this one. City to win 2-1.
A promise from me to you: if Pep shakes Jose’s hand and walks down the tunnel before the final whistle I will hereby pledge to actively root for City (vs anybody but Spurs) for the rest of the season
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Liverpool [-155]
Tottenham [+410]
Draw [+300]
If you first reaction is, “WOW, I CAN GET GREAT VALUE FOR SPURS!” the answer is yeah, but no, not really. If Klopp’s master plan was to play bad enough last season in order to miss out on Champions and Europa Leagues this season and be in a good position to dominate the League Cup – his plan is working out perfectly. Tottenham is almost certainly going to rest some key players in this one (eg, every potentially first-choice midfielder we got – Alli, Son, Lamela, Dembele – with the possible exception of Wanyama), along with Vertonghen, Dier and Lloris at the back. Liverpool’s line-up, on the other hand, will likely be far closer to a first XI, though guys like Coutinho, Firmino and Mane will probably be held out. If you can’t tell, my expectations for Spurs are extremely modest. Janssen has been borderline useless this season so expecting anything more than one fortunate goal seems like a pipedream. In fact, I’m going with Liverpool to win 2-0 on a brace from Studge.
Master strategician
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Reminder: this is not the FA Cup, which for many small clubs that get matched up with a Premier League team will essentially be their Super Bowl, but it is pretty close to that important for players at the minnow clubs that are dying to get “noticed” by a bigger club. So some upsets, particularly given the unusual line-ups, are to be expected.
• Is Preston [+650] at Newcastle [-235] one such upset? How about no. Newcastle is more of a Premier League team this season than they were last year. Preston has had a solid showing in the Championship this season but today is not their day. Newcastle to win 3-1.
What a beauty
• Remember when Leeds [+165] used to be essentially a punchline for suckiness before Spurs (and more recently Villa then Sunderland) came and stole their thunder? Ah yes, those were the days. After falling into League One (third tier) they have made their way back up to the Championship and have been slightly above average so far this season. Norwich [+165] has been yo-yo-ing back and forth between the Premiership for a while now and are clearly the better side here, particularly offensively, but sometimes you just gotta go with the poor people. Leeds to win 3-2.
• Arsenal vs Reading? Boooooooooooooooring. Gunners to win 2-0.
• Chelsea just got done raping and pillaging a would-be fellow contender on international television on Sunday, so they’re pretty much assured to walk over the sorry shell of West Ham [+325] that has been on display this season, right? Mehhh, not so sure. The Hammers have been showing signs of not sucking nearly as much recently, and Chelsea could very well end up resting some players. West Ham to win 1-0.
• It just makes too much sense that Sunderland [+650], which can’t win a game to save their life in the EPL, would somehow someway manage to eke out an inexplicable win versus Southampton [-250], which is fresh off holding “mighty” City to a draw. Though I’ll go out on a limb and say it’ll be in PKs, meaning any Black Cats fans who inexplicably put their money where their mouth is and bet on their beloveds will still end up losing. So for betting purposes: 1-1 draw after 90 minutes.
Moyes’ O-(shit we won)-Face
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MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER
There are some Spanish and Italian games going on in the midweek as well but, alas, few (if any) of them will be televised here in the US, but if the League Cup hasn’t fully satiated your desire for soccer then I got good news: First Round of the MLS playoffs start on Wednesday. Yeah, yeah, World Series is on TV1, but this type of situation is precisely why god invented the TV2.
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So there you have it, the best glorified guide to the midweek EFL Cup action that barstool will publish all day – maybe even all week. Check ya on Friday.
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Holler,
Sam U.L. Army