Merry Christmas! Yes, the WWE was definitely in the holiday mood as they set Good Santa (Mark Henry) vs Bad Santa (Damien Sandow). Plus, Raw rolled out one of the biggest –man main events in quite some time.
The World’s Strongest Santa opened the show by reading to all of us. It was a cute segment. The World’s Smartest Santa put in his two cents worth. This previously recorded episode of Raw came from the University of Texas, in Austin.
The Authority made their first appearance of the night. Kane, Stephanie and HHH were all wearing Santa Hats. There was an elf with them (no, it wasn’t Hornswoggle). Kane handed out candy to the kids. Jerry Lawler had the night off, so Michael Cole and JBL handled the announcing duties.
HHH said it was time to give back. HHH said they had the WWE Superstars do volunteer work, during the Season. HHH and Stephanie talked about the night’s card. Stephanie was being a tad silly, which was nice to see. They were cut off by the arrival of Randy Orton. He was still carrying both belts (WWE and World). I would have thought they would have created a new belt by now.
Randy wished everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. He then thanked HHH and Stephanie for their support in his quest to become the first WWE World Champion. Randy had a Christmas Gift for The Authority. He gifted himself to them. Whatever. Randy also thanked them for giving him the night off. Kane did the last line to “’Twas the Night before Christmas”. He then set off the pyro. Fun. Stephanie kissed her hubby.
Eva Marie, Cameron, Naomi, Natalya, Brie Bella and Nikki Bella vs Vickie Guerrero, Alicia Fox, Aksana, Tamina Snuka, Kaitlyn and Summer Rae
12 Divas Jingle Belles Match
Tamina started by throwing her Santa hat at Brie. Snuka knocked her down and then Brie with the Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors. Kaitlyn tagged in, as did Eva Marie. Summer Rae came in and Eva put her down. Tag to Naomi. Go Behind and Snap Mare by Naomi. Alicia took the tag but got put down hard. Tag to Cameron. The Funkadactyls with a little dance and Dual Leg drops. Nikki tagged in. Bridging Back Suplex by Fox. Vickie tagged in and Gored Nikki in the butt with her antlers. Aksana tagged in and then Natalya got involved. Aksana with a kick and pin attempt. All Heck broke loose into a Mega Catfight. Discus Clothesline by Nattie. The Total Divas got together for Pinwheel Clotheslines. Yawn. The crowd was so bored with this silliness. Natalya trapped Aksana in the Sharpshooter. Tap out!
Your Winners: The Bellas, The Funkadactyls, Eva Marie and Natalya
Raw Ranking: 1.0 out of a possible 5
Curtis Axel vs Sin Cara
Cara was out in Christmas colors (also Mexican Flag colors). Sin Cara had a Christmas present for the fans…a loss for Curtis Axel.
Side Headlock by Axel. Axel with the Leg Trip. Axel slapped Cara’s back. Arm Drag by Cara. Axel reversed a Whip but Cara with a Headscissors. Axel tripped Cara, on the apron. JBL was having fun with the “It’s a different Sin Cara” thing. Axel lifted Cara and ran his spine into the ring post.
Back in the ring, Axel with an Inverted Bear Hug. Back Elbow Axel. Boot by Cara. Interesting Rolling Pin attempt by Cara. Dropkick by Axel. Axel went back to the Inverted Bear Hug.
Cara with a Back Drop Suplex escape. Standing Switch but Cara threw Axel out of the ring and then hit the Tope! I love those moves. Springboard Clothesline by Cara, for a two count. Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors and Backspring Elbow by Cara. 1-2-no. Axel with the Clubbing Clothesline o the back of Cara’s head as the crowd chanted “He’s a Fake”. I guess they meant that for Sin Cara. Cara with an Olympic Slam. Cara then nailed the Swanton.
Your Winner: Sin Cara
Raw Ranking: 3.5
Raw then took it back to C.M. Punk and John Cena vs The Shield from Smackdown. The match ended up throwing out the match. Roman Speared Cena, big time. Cena then fell victim to the Triple Powerbomb. The Shield started to do that to Punk but Big E Langston made the save. I want to see Langston vs Ambrose to unify the US and Intercontinental titles.
Bad Santa dealt with a little kid. Tamina an A.J. were playing elves. The kid said Bad Santa’s breath smelled bad. Damien stopped the kid’s request for a present. He felt all kids were ungrateful wretches. Bad Santa wanted to cancel Christmas. This is some silly fun.
They then showed Big Show dancing in a diaper, as the New Year’s Baby. Oh…MY EYES! Next week’s Raw will be a special edition. He also had a bottle and rattle. New Year’s Raw should be interesting.
Batista is returning to WWE. It was made official. My daughter, Jess, is tinkled pink. He is her favorite wrestler. I expect a Batista vs Ryback match, somewhere down the road.
Wade Barrett was ringing the bell out in front of a building to collect money for charity. We have an EX-Family member that does that every year. Michael Cole couldn’t believe that Barrett was being so pleasant.
Cole then sent it to a video package of Daniel Bryan’s issues with the Wyatt Family. It finished with the attack on Daniel Bryan, backstage, at Smackdown. This feud just makes no sense, to me.
Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper and Erick Rowan (The Wyatt Family) vs Goldust, Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan
Six-Man Tag Team Match
Rowan started against Cody. Bray told Rowan what he wanted done. Rowan with a kick and clubbing shot. Headbutt and Scoop Slam attempt by Roan. Cody with a Dropkick, off the turnbuckles, to the knee. Goldust tagged in and worked on Rowan’s arm. Erick moved Goldy to the corner. Uppercut and Kick by Dust. Tag To Daniel. Daniel with wild kicks and Knee Strikes. Roan pushed Daniel away. Daniel pulled Rowan to the corner and tagged to Cody. Cody with a few shots and tag to his brother, Dustin. Double punches. Rowan pushed Dust to the corner and tagged Luke. Shot to Dust’s ribs.
European Uppercut to Dust. Whip by Luke but Dust dodged the Corner Rush and punched away. Luke blocked the Snap Mare. Tag to Cody. Cody punched away and nailed a Dropkick. Tag to Bryan. More kicks by the American Dragon. Uppercut by Harper. Whip by Luke but he missed a Big Running Boot. Modified Sullivan Tree of Woe. Hesitation Dropkick. Daniel challenged Bray to get in the ring. Raw took a quick break.
Rowan was in the ring, taking the fight to Cody Rhodes. Cody tried to push to his corner but Rowan moved him the other way. Tag to Harper. Running Elbow Strike, in the corner. Front Face Lock into the Alligator Roll. Cody tried to fight free but Harper with a hard shot. Cody with a Flying Clothesline. Tag to Goldust. RunningClotheslines and the Goldustin Uppercut and Inverted Atomic Drop and Big Boot. Corner Mount Punches by the Bizarre One.
Luke reversed a Whip but fell to a Goldyrana. Big Boot by Rowan. Bray decided to finally get involved. Elbow Drops by the former Husky Harris. Bray blasted Goldust, over an over. Corner Clothesline by Bray. He did the Upside down taunt thing. Weird. Bray teased Goldy and then tagged out. Harper with an Elbow to the back of Goldy’s neck.
Harper stomped away but missed the Elbow Drop. Harper knocked Cody and Daniel off the apron. Rowan tagged back in and took Dust down with a hard Clothesline. Mega Splash by Rowan but he only got a two. Neck Crimp by Rowan. Kneelift by Roan. Rowan started clubbing away, in the corner. Cole and JBL took shots at Tony Romo for wussing out of the Dallas vs Philly game. Claw hold by Rowan. Tag to Harper. Luke with a Whip but Dust with punches all around. Canadian Destroyer by Goldust! I love it.
Rowan and Daniel with tags. Daniel took out Bray and then Rowan. Daniel with repeated kicks to the thigh. Hesitation Dropkicks by Daniel. Dan. Rowan shoved Daniel away. Slider Dropkick to the shin of Rowan. Daniel with wild kicks, including one to the head. Benoit Diving Headbutt, by Daniel. Daniel then attacked Bray, who had rushed the ring. Daniel chased after Bray but got laid out by Rowan. Time for another break.
Harper clobbered Daniel and then ran the boot across Daniel’s face. Slingshot sent Daniel into the middle rope. Bryantook the tag an stomped away. Falling Headbutt to Daniel. Bray with punches but Daniel exploded with kicks and punches. Forearm Smash by Bray. Bray tagged out and Luke flew over the ropes. He quickly tagged ot Rowan. Scoop Slam on Daniel. Diving Clothesline to the back of Daniel’s neck. Neck Wrench by Rowan. Daniel began to battle free. Boot to Rowan’s face and then a Tornado DDT. That was a bit sloppy.
Cody with a tag and Springboard Dropkick. Flying Knee by Cody. Gloat Over into a Twisting Sunset Flip and Goldustin Upperbut. Disaster Kick to Roan. Drop Toe Hold to Harper. Moonsault! Dang. Bray made the save. Daniel with the Top Rope Missile Dropkick to Bray. Suicide Dive, by Daniel, to take down Bray Rowan pulled Daniel off but got laid out by Goldust. Cody hit the Disaster Kick on Harper but Bray had made the tag. Sister Abigail!
Your Winners: The Wyatt Family
Raw Ranking: 4.0
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Goldust was taken out and then the Wyatts went after Daniel Bryan. Bray ordered his boys to bring Daniel to the middle of the ring. Bray chatted with Daniel, offering him a way out. The lights went out and the Wyatts ended up on the floor with Bray in his rocking chair. So strange.
Good Santa (Mark Henry) talked with a little kid. The kid was worried about Christmas being cancelled. The Bellas were Mark’s elves. He also had Hornswoggle by his side.
Wade Barrett was delivering good news to others, in downtown Austin.
Xavier Woods, R-Truth and the Funkadactyls were in the ring. Renee Young said this was a Christmas Carol Sing-off. God, this was AWFUL. Xavier wasn’t all that bad but R-Truth kept messing it up with his crap. Jindar Mahal and Drew McIntyre then had their turn. I couldn’t believe that they could be worse, but I was wrong. JBL brought up Jillian Hall. Too funny. The final contestants were Santino and Khali. First my eyes with Big Show and now my ears are tortured. Jeez. Santino and Khali won the challenge. That led to a huge fight. Santino brought out the Cobra-Reindeer. Santino had the three others join him and sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Silly, but fun.
Fandango vs Dolph Ziggler
Present-on-a-Pole Match
Cole didn’t know what was in the package. Justin Roberts explained that the Christmas Present was a shot against I-C Champ, Big E Langston, next week. The two men went hard and heavy. Measured punches by Fandango but Dolph with a Dropkick. Dolph started up the turnbuckles but Fandango caught him. Fandango twisted Dolph around on the top ropes nad punched away. Back Elbow by Fandango. Fanny started to head for the package. Dolph held on to the lef and pulled Fanny down. Dolph with Haymakers but Fandango kicked away. Dolph reversed a Whip and then headed up the pole. Fandango wanted the Electric Chair but Dolph with the Sunset Flip and Famouser.
Dolph struggled to get up the ropes but slipped. Fandango caught Dolph in the back of the neck and they both hit the floor. Summer helped her man back into the ring. Both of them fought along the pole. Dolph cracked Fandango but Fanny came back with an Enziguri. Fandango stepped on Dolph’s b ack to try and get the package. Dolph pushed Fann, who straddled the ropes. Ouch. Dolph had his hand on the present but couldn’t get it loose. Fandango pushed Dolph off the ropes. Dolph’s head hit the steps. Fandango got the package.
Your Winner: Fandango
Raw Ranking: 2.25
The Prime Time Players were in the middle of the ring. Darren fought with Titus about how should be talking. Darren thought they were in Houston. Titus corrected him as Cole and JBL chuckled. The crowd booed Darren when he tried to speak. Titus said they wanted three things;
1. To win the match
2. To Get a Title Shot
3. To get…Millions o’ Dollars
Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil and Darren Young) vs Jimmy and Jey Uso
Titus started the match and dropped one of the Usos, big time. Not sure which one, since both Usos were wearing their new shirts. Universal into a Fallaway Drop by O’Neil. Darren got the tag and Titus dropped him on Uso. Darren was sent to the corner but he hit a Back Elbow. “This is Austin!” rose from the crowd to taunt Darren. Arm Bar on Darren.
“Houston Sucks!” rang out. Darren got put down. Deep Arm Drag on Darren. The twins tagged and Darren’s arm was targeted. Keylock on Darren as Uso yelled “This ain’t Houston”. He made Darren say it back to him. Tag on the Uso side. Back Elbow to drop Darren. Darren sent Uso to the ropes and hit a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Hard shots by Darren and a Running Clothesline.
Samoan Drop on Darren. That got the Uso chant going. Rikishi Run to Darren’s head. Titus made the save. Low Bridge to send O’Neil to the floor. Darren was laid out by a Thrust Kick. The Usos tagged out and the legal one donned a Rudolph Nose before tking flight.
Your Winners: Jimmy and Jey Uso
Raw Ranking: 1.5
Affter the match, The Prime Time Players and Usos did a Four Man Millions o Dollars Dance.
Good Santa (Mark Henry) vs Bad Santa (Damien Sandow)
The Battle for Christmas Match
Ok, this one is just going to be mega-silly. Don’t expect Randy Savage vs Ricky Steamboat, that’s for sure.
Mark came out and did the “Hook Em Horns” sign. Bad Santa then came out to something that sounded like it was taken out of the late, great Doink’s playbook. The ring was surrounded with presents, trees and all sorts of other weird holiday stuff. B-S threw coal at everyone.
G-S punched away at B-S and then revealed a toilet! He shoved B-S’s face into it. It was clean, thankfully. B-S rolled to the outside and found a present. There was a fire extinguisher, inside. B-S couldn’t get it to work but the Good One figured it out. The two Santas fought up the ramp. B-S kicked kicked BS and attacked with a Kandy Kane (Kendo Stick). Mark caught the cane and broke it. Mark clocked Damien in the back of the hhead. Damien rolled down the ramp. Mark pushed Damien over the tree and hit him with a package.
B-S clubbed away at G-S and got the fire extinguisher, again. He still couldn’t make it work. G-S with a Big Boot and another round of Fire Extinguisher foam. Sleigh Ride (World’s Strongest Slam).
Your Winner: “Good Santa” Mark Henry
Raw Ranking: 3.5 (Higher score for making me laugh)
Mark opened several more presents. Inside one, he found some Christmas Cupcakes. He slammed them into Damien’s face, after tasting one for himself. The fans were loving every minute of this.
Renee interviewed C.M. Punk. He brought out his partners, Big E Langston and John Cena. Cena channeled the spirit of Hulk Hogan while cutting a above-average promo. Punk, of course, was top notch in his promo. Langston did manage to handle his own with limited ranting.
Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro vs Los Matadores
Zeb Colter accused Santa of being an Illegal Emigrant. Seriously? He turned it into another rant about people sneaking into the country. And they pulled the dude from Duck Dynasty for his views?
El Torito got another color change. This time, he came out almost completely in white. His tail was a string of Christmas lights. He also had then on his antlers.
Antonio started against Diego. European Uppercut by Antonio. Whip by Cesaro into the Flair Flop. Roll Over and Hurancanrana by Diego, I think. Cesaro reversed a Whip but took a Back Elbow. Cesaro Swing! I lost count as far as how many times they went around. Cesaro was a bit dizzy but not as much as Diego. A little Twin Magic by Los Matadores. Roll Up for a two. Jack made the save.
Double Whip by the Real Americans backfired as Fernando sent them flying. Diego got the tag and hit a Swanton onto Jack. Hurancanrana by Diego. Diego slid over Jack’s neck and went to the floor. Antonio threw Fernando into the barricade, outside the ring. El Torito Gored the Nethers of Antonio. Crossbody, off the top, by one of Los Matadores to get the pin.
Your Winners: Los Matadores
Raw Ranking: 2.25
Raw looked, again, at the decimation of John Cena and C.M. Punk by The Shield. Big E Langston did come to the aid of Cena and Punk.
Kofi Kingston vs Ryback
Collar and Elbow and the two went to the corner. Arm Drag by Ryback. Kofi came back with punches and kicks. Shoulder Tackle by Ryback. Ryback stopped a Universal and planted Kofi. Kofi with a Corner Splash and Dropkick. Ryback went to the apron. He argued with the ref and got kicked off the apron. Flip Dive by Kofi. Kofi kicked at Ryback. Ryback rushed back in the ring and hit a La Bandera on Kofi as he got in the ring. JBL talked about what different countries leave Santa. Texans leave beer and Pizza. Yeppers.
Knife Edge Chops by Ryback. Bear Hug by Ryback, off the Whip. Kofi got free and hit hard punches. Ryback with a catch and Stall Suplex. 2 count. Ryback came off the ropes but got a pair of boots to the face. Back Elbow by Kofi. Ryback reversed a Whip but took a massive Dropkick to the chest. Controlled Frenzy into the Boom Drop. Kofi got ready to deliver Trouble in Paradise but Ryback avoided it. Pendulum Kick into the Flying Crossbody. 1-2-no. Corner Mount Punches by Kofi but Ryback dropped Kofi onto the top turnbuckle. Meat Hook Clothesline. Shell Shocked.
Your Winner: Ryback
Raw Ranking: 2.5
Bad News Time. Wade Barrett thanked the fans for helping the WWE raise thousands of dollars. However, he had some bad news. He said he was not affiliated to any charities, so he was keeping all the money. What baloney.
Raw showed how C.M. Punk lost to a Spear by Roman Reigns, last week. Dean Ambrose bragged about the pain that they had dealt out to C.M. Punk. Dean said being the thorns in Punk’s side made them feel good. Seth didn’t understand why Punk had buddied up with Cena. Roman was ready to go after Big E Langston. Roman said that they would tear apart the three men they were about to face.
C.M. Punk, John Cena and Big E Langston vs Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns
Six-Man Tag Team Match
The bell sounded and Dean squared off against John Cena. Cema with a Side Headlock. Push Off to a Shoulder Tackle by Cena. Seth took the tag and kicked at John’s ribs. Cena fought back with wild punches and a Clothesline. Cena went Vintage on Seth. Seth avoided the Five Knuckle Shuffle by rolling out of the ring. Roman tagged in and shoved Cena. Cena went off on Roman but fell to a Samoan Drop. 2 count. Headbutt and stomps by Roman. Tag to Seth as Raw went to break.
Seth pounded on Cena’s skull, as Raw returned. Seth clocked Cena and hit the Buffbuster. Dean tagged in and drilled Cena in the skull. Power Spin Elbow Drop by Dean. Dean with deliberate punches but Cena began to punch back. Sleper by Dean. Cena tried to fight back but went down to one knee. Tag to Punk.
Punk with Double Sledges. Dropkick to Dean. Suicide Dive to rock Dean. Rolling Neckbreaker, once they got back in the ring. Elevator Knee into the Short Arm Clothesline.. Punk blasted Seth but Dean nailed Punk. The ref started to count. Dean with a Suplex, on the floor. Dean slid in to break the count. Dean put Punk back in the ring and tried for the pin. 2 count. Seth tagged back in and stomped on Punk. Full Mount Punches by Seth. Seth with a Hammer Throw. Seth talked trash to Cena and then went back to stomping Punk. Punk whipped Seth up the turnbuckles. Tag to Dean. Ambrose cut off the path home for Punk. Front Face Lock by Dean. Dean took Punk to the enemy corner.
Roman tagged back in and stared at Langston. Roman shoved Punk who exploded with a flurry of moves. That came to an end as Roman got the Bear Hug. Bell Ringers by Punk but Roman with the Close Quarters Belly to Belly. Jumping Elbow Drop by Roman. Tag to Seth. Rollins with a Body Scissors. Punk elbowed his way free. Back Drop Suplex by Punk. Dean tagged in and knocked Cena off the apron. Roman then took out Cena, on the floor.
Punk with a wild kick to the side of Dean’s skull. Roman prevented the tag. Punk finally got the tag after Roman missed a Corner Splash. Belly to Belly to Seth. Rocket Launcher to send Dean into Seth. Big Double Splash to Seth and Dean. Seth with a Back Elbow. Seth with a Dropkick as Langston was going for the Big Ending. Cena made the save. Roman Speared Cena, as he was about to hit the AA. This mosh pit came to an end as Langston hit the Big Ending on Dean. Seth and Roman mauled Langston, drawing the disqualification. Cena stopped the Triple Powerbomb. AA to Seth. GTS to Dean.
Your Winners (by disqualification): Big E. Langston, John Cena and C.M.Punk
Raw Ranking: 4.0
I want to wish each and everyone of you the happiest of holidays. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanzaa! Or if you are not of the celebratory mindset, I wish you…
Peace
–Jay Shannon
WordSlingerJay@Gmail.com
Twitter.com/jayshannonnv