← Older revision
Revision as of 03:55, 20 May 2014
Line 26:
Line 26:
* Bran Stark: Intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major [[GrimDark]]. Has prophetic dreams and becomes a wizard.
* Bran Stark: Intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major [[GrimDark]]. Has prophetic dreams and becomes a wizard.
* Rickon Stark: Four years old at the start, turning into a real little <s>[[Barbarian]] by the third book.</s> third book and everything after it sucks.
* Rickon Stark: Four years old at the start, turning into a real little <s>[[Barbarian]] by the third book.</s> third book and everything after it sucks.
−
* Jon Snow, ''Lord Snow'': A '<s>''Bastard''', which is a bad thing, apparently</s> mary sue. Became Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (basically [[The Last Chancers|Colonel Schaeffer]] with more men under his command)
at
the
age of
teenaged boy. Currently dying of knives in his back. Might not actually be Eddard's son, but rather the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.
+
* Jon Snow, ''Lord Snow'': A '<s>''Bastard''', which is a bad thing, apparently</s> mary sue. Became Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (basically [[The Last Chancers|Colonel Schaeffer]] with more men under his command)
and secures and alliance with
the
Wildlings all as a
teenaged boy. Currently dying of knives in his back. Might not actually be Eddard's son, but rather the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.
* Hodor: A pokemon.</div></div>
* Hodor: A pokemon.</div></div>
Line 35:
Line 35:
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros, who got that way thanks to the twincestastic Aegon (who married his older and younger sister and fucked several kids into each, which of course cause succession issues down the line), aka [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_the_Conqueror William the Conqueror]. Due to a policy of [[/d/|catastrophic inbreeding]] they sired a line of almost alternatingly great and lunatic kings (something possibly to do with divine ambivalence about incest. Maybe.), culminating in Aerys "[[That Guy]]" Targaryen and a palace coup. Now stuck in Essos (that means "Eastern Continent," for the possible half a person who didn't get the obvious distinction between Westeros and Essos) trying to gather armies to retake the Iron Throne for reasons no one knows. Nobody likes reading their parts of the books because none of the action takes place in Westeros (they're xenophoibic morons). Pseudo-Romans/[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Normandy House of Normandy].
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros, who got that way thanks to the twincestastic Aegon (who married his older and younger sister and fucked several kids into each, which of course cause succession issues down the line), aka [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_the_Conqueror William the Conqueror]. Due to a policy of [[/d/|catastrophic inbreeding]] they sired a line of almost alternatingly great and lunatic kings (something possibly to do with divine ambivalence about incest. Maybe.), culminating in Aerys "[[That Guy]]" Targaryen and a palace coup. Now stuck in Essos (that means "Eastern Continent," for the possible half a person who didn't get the obvious distinction between Westeros and Essos) trying to gather armies to retake the Iron Throne for reasons no one knows. Nobody likes reading their parts of the books because none of the action takes place in Westeros (they're xenophoibic morons). Pseudo-Romans/[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Normandy House of Normandy].
* Aerys V, ''The Mad King'': [[Kharn|A pretty fun guy to be around]]. Had a thing for burning traitors, a category of people that eventually grew to include anybody he disliked for any reason, and a few people who were unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
* Aerys V, ''The Mad King'': [[Kharn|A pretty fun guy to be around]]. Had a thing for burning traitors, a category of people that eventually grew to include anybody he disliked for any reason, and a few people who were unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
−
* Daenerys Targaryen, ''Stormborn'': An albino Mary Sue. She was sold by her brother to a barbarian king, in exchange for his promise to conquer Westeros. Then her husband killed her brother and promised to conquer the world for Daenerys, making her a badass barbarian warqueen. Unfortunately, her husband died and his horde fell apart. Then she hatched three dragons and now everyone wants to marry her. [[Gets shit done]] except the entire fifth book, in which she mopes around about wanting to bang an annoying, flamboyant
<s>homosexual</s>
mercenary in a clown suit. She also does nothing while insurgents kill her men, she lets a horde of plague victims spread disease to her city, and she stands idly by while an enemy army besieges her walls.
Also learns
how to train her dragon.
+
* Daenerys Targaryen, ''Stormborn'': An albino Mary Sue. She was sold by her brother to a barbarian king, in exchange for his promise to conquer Westeros. Then her husband killed her brother and promised to conquer the world for Daenerys, making her a badass barbarian warqueen. Unfortunately, her husband died and his horde fell apart. Then she hatched three dragons and now everyone wants to marry her. [[Gets shit done]] except the entire fifth book, in which she mopes around about wanting to bang an annoying, flamboyant mercenary in a clown suit
(which she eventually does). Marries a Meereenese noble to try and guarantee peace (most likely just as he planned)
.
She also does nothing while insurgents kill her men, she lets a horde of plague victims spread disease to her city, and she stands idly by while an enemy army besieges her walls.
Learns
how to train her dragon.
* Viserys Targaryen, ''The Beggar King'': Daenerys' brother, got himself killed for being an all-around bastard and whiny fuck. Daenerys' husband [[awesome|poured a crown of molten gold over his head]].
* Viserys Targaryen, ''The Beggar King'': Daenerys' brother, got himself killed for being an all-around bastard and whiny fuck. Daenerys' husband [[awesome|poured a crown of molten gold over his head]].
* Aegon Targaryen, ''Aegon VI'': Daenerys' nephew, the son of her brother Rhaegar. Been hiding in Essos for the entire length of the series, but recently raised an army of Westerosi exiles and invaded Westeros. Wants to marry his aunt because she has dragons, and might not actually be a member of House Targaryen if you believe the tinfoil-hat wearing fans. He can actually count past 6, can multiply numbers, can read different language and has a minor understanding of geometry. Thus cementing him as one of the most educated people in this overwrought series. Can also do his own laundry.</div></div>
* Aegon Targaryen, ''Aegon VI'': Daenerys' nephew, the son of her brother Rhaegar. Been hiding in Essos for the entire length of the series, but recently raised an army of Westerosi exiles and invaded Westeros. Wants to marry his aunt because she has dragons, and might not actually be a member of House Targaryen if you believe the tinfoil-hat wearing fans. He can actually count past 6, can multiply numbers, can read different language and has a minor understanding of geometry. Thus cementing him as one of the most educated people in this overwrought series. Can also do his own laundry.</div></div>
Line 43:
Line 43:
''"Hear Me Roar"''
''"Hear Me Roar"''
−
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7t7cnwlOgY they will fucking cut you]. You can tell they are the bad guys because they <s>are blonde</s> have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion (<s>[[Slaanesh|though his Khornate status is debatable since he sickeningly seems to enjoy raping women]]</s> '''{{BLAM|(AXE BLOW) FUCK YOU. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME IN WARHAMMER FANTASY KNOWS THAT I AM CONDONING OR AT LEAST AMBIVALENT OF RAPE, FOR I AM WORSHIPED BY MOTHERFUCKING [[Warriors of Chaos|VIKINGS]].'''}}), Gregor Clegane. House Lancaster in drag.
+
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7t7cnwlOgY they will fucking cut you]. You can tell they are the bad guys because they <s>are blonde</s> have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion (<s>[[Slaanesh|though his Khornate status is debatable since he sickeningly seems to enjoy raping women]]</s> '''{{BLAM|(AXE BLOW) FUCK YOU. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME IN WARHAMMER FANTASY KNOWS THAT I AM CONDONING OR AT LEAST AMBIVALENT OF RAPE, FOR I AM WORSHIPED BY MOTHERFUCKING [[Warriors of Chaos|VIKINGS]].'''}}
) (well Gregor's raped a lot of women but I haven't seen him claim any skulls...
), Gregor Clegane. House Lancaster in drag.
* Tywin Lannister, ''The Lion of Lannister'': Head of the house. Kills everyone who fights against him, he was the true power behind the throne until he died on the toilet. Has his own sweet, yet creepy as fuck theme song about him (spoiler) fucking up one house so badly their name is used as a warning against anyone standing against him. Essentially a rip-off of Edward Longshanks, minus anything that made Edward Longshanks awesome (ie: chivalrous warrior-king who bitch-slaps his assassins)
* Tywin Lannister, ''The Lion of Lannister'': Head of the house. Kills everyone who fights against him, he was the true power behind the throne until he died on the toilet. Has his own sweet, yet creepy as fuck theme song about him (spoiler) fucking up one house so badly their name is used as a warning against anyone standing against him. Essentially a rip-off of Edward Longshanks, minus anything that made Edward Longshanks awesome (ie: chivalrous warrior-king who bitch-slaps his assassins)
* Cersei Lannister, ''The Bitch Queen'': Twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother all the time and had three of his children, whom she passed off as Roberts to grab power. She seeks to rule Westeros as the Queen, and will do anything to keep her power. Crazy as all fuck, and gonna be killed by one of her younger brothers. Three guesses as to who that's going to be, and you don't need the last two (though since Jamie is technically younger by a few seconds, him killing Cersei would be an interesting twist). This is because of a prophecy a maegi made when Cersei was a child that she'd be a beautiful queen, lose everything, her children would die before her and a younger sibling would kill her. Possibly the maegi was messing with her head knowing what a bitch Cersei was. She is currently alive only because Varys want her to be alive [[Just As Planned|as she's a terrible queen who'll destabilize the realm enough for him to bring back the Targereyns]].
* Cersei Lannister, ''The Bitch Queen'': Twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother all the time and had three of his children, whom she passed off as Roberts to grab power. She seeks to rule Westeros as the Queen, and will do anything to keep her power. Crazy as all fuck, and gonna be killed by one of her younger brothers. Three guesses as to who that's going to be, and you don't need the last two (though since Jamie is technically younger by a few seconds, him killing Cersei would be an interesting twist). This is because of a prophecy a maegi made when Cersei was a child that she'd be a beautiful queen, lose everything, her children would die before her and a younger sibling would kill her. Possibly the maegi was messing with her head knowing what a bitch Cersei was. She is currently alive only because Varys want her to be alive [[Just As Planned|as she's a terrible queen who'll destabilize the realm enough for him to bring back the Targereyns]].
Line 117:
Line 117:
*Doran Martell: Lord of Sunspear. Still mad at the the Lannisters about that whole "murdered-my-sister-and-infant-niece thing". Playing the longest of long games with Varys while trying to keep the rest of his psychotic family members in check.
*Doran Martell: Lord of Sunspear. Still mad at the the Lannisters about that whole "murdered-my-sister-and-infant-niece thing". Playing the longest of long games with Varys while trying to keep the rest of his psychotic family members in check.
*Arriane Martell: One of GRRM's characters who seems to exists soley to fuck everything up at the worst conceivable moment.
*Arriane Martell: One of GRRM's characters who seems to exists soley to fuck everything up at the worst conceivable moment.
−
*Oberyn Martell: A champion of Slaanesh.
A
bisexual swinger
who enjoys the finer things in life
. Crippled the Tyrell heir in a fight, causing a rift between the two houses. Known for poisoning his weapons, as well as his battle-cry of "EEEEEELLLLLIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!" Died from a mutual kill with Gregor Clegane,
though
it's probably a win for him since he got Clegane with a horribly painful and slow-acting venom, which stretched his death over days or even weeks, during which time he was ruthlessly experimented upon by a pre-Renaissance mad scientist/Dr. Mengele
. Mengele may or may not have resurrected Clegane as a [[Space Marine]]
.
+
*Oberyn Martell
''The Viper of Dorne''
: A champion of Slaanesh.
With his lover Ellaria Sand, he's a
bisexual swinger
with good fashion sense and an education
. Crippled the Tyrell heir in a fight, causing a rift between the two houses. Known for poisoning his weapons, as well as his battle-cry of "EEEEEELLLLLIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!" Died from a mutual kill with Gregor Clegane,
avenging his sister Elia who Gregor had raped and murdered. Though
it's probably a win for him since he got Clegane with a horribly painful and slow-acting venom, which stretched his death over days or even weeks, during which time he was ruthlessly experimented upon by a pre-Renaissance mad scientist/Dr. Mengele.
*Quentyn Martell: Didn't realize what series he was in, poor bastard. A member house Martell, sent to marry Daenerys to secure an alliance between the families, since the original marriage plan won't work with Viserys dead. Leaves Westeros and goes all the way to the city of Meereen to marry her, but he's both too late as she marries the Meereenese noble Hizdahr, and he's not her type. Tries to tame two of her dragons to impress her; the series being what it is, he gets horribly burnt and later dies in agony. </div></div>
*Quentyn Martell: Didn't realize what series he was in, poor bastard. A member house Martell, sent to marry Daenerys to secure an alliance between the families, since the original marriage plan won't work with Viserys dead. Leaves Westeros and goes all the way to the city of Meereen to marry her, but he's both too late as she marries the Meereenese noble Hizdahr, and he's not her type. Tries to tame two of her dragons to impress her; the series being what it is, he gets horribly burnt and later dies in agony. </div></div>
Line 125:
Line 125:
*Jeor Mormont, ''The Old Bear'': Lord Commander of the Nights Watch at the start of the series. Sees Jon Snow as something of a second son (since his own son Jorah was exiled for enslaving and refused to take the black for his crimes). Leads a ranging north of the Wall to investigate reports that the Others have returned. Ends up killed during a mutiny of survivors after the Others wiped out most of the force.
*Jeor Mormont, ''The Old Bear'': Lord Commander of the Nights Watch at the start of the series. Sees Jon Snow as something of a second son (since his own son Jorah was exiled for enslaving and refused to take the black for his crimes). Leads a ranging north of the Wall to investigate reports that the Others have returned. Ends up killed during a mutiny of survivors after the Others wiped out most of the force.
*Aemon Targaryen: Maester of the Citadel at Castle Black. Despite being the third born son of King Maekar I Targaryen, he declined the right to sit on the Iron Throne, which probably would have avoided ''so much trouble'' in the series. One of the few people in the series to die of old age, at 102.
*Aemon Targaryen: Maester of the Citadel at Castle Black. Despite being the third born son of King Maekar I Targaryen, he declined the right to sit on the Iron Throne, which probably would have avoided ''so much trouble'' in the series. One of the few people in the series to die of old age, at 102.
−
*Samwell Tarly, ''The Slayer'': Fat bookworm who was forced to take the black after his father Randyl threatened to murder him for being unmanly. Jon Snow's best friend among the Night's Watch. Knows everything because he "read it in a book". Despite being a self professed coward, Sam became the first person in thousands of years to slay an Other with an obsidian dagger. George Martin himself said
he
's based on Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. </div></div>
+
*Samwell Tarly, ''The Slayer'': Fat bookworm who was forced to take the black after his father Randyl threatened to murder him for being unmanly. Jon Snow's best friend among the Night's Watch. Knows everything because he "read it in a book". Despite being a self professed coward, Sam became the first person in thousands of years to slay an Other with an obsidian dagger. George Martin himself said
Sam
's based on Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. </div></div>
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="width:100%">
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="width:100%">
Line 151:
Line 151:
* Varys ''The Spider'': The eunuch spymaster of Westeros. You can't take a shit in the Seven Kingdoms without Varys finding out where, when, and how watery or dry it was. Stabs everyone in the back because he's actually trying to bring the Targaryens back.
* Varys ''The Spider'': The eunuch spymaster of Westeros. You can't take a shit in the Seven Kingdoms without Varys finding out where, when, and how watery or dry it was. Stabs everyone in the back because he's actually trying to bring the Targaryens back.
* Petyr Baelish, ''Littlefinger'': The master of coin (the ASOIAF equivalent of a treasurer). Scheming, social climber who manages to trick and steal his way to positions of lordship and wealth because no one takes him seriously, and stabs all the Lannisters in the back. The guy responsible (directly or indirectly) for kick starting all the wars after Aerys was overthrown as part of his [[Just As Planned|master plan]], but no one in the story knows this, not even Varys. Possibly to be king at any cost, even if it means destroying Westeros and ruling over the ashes. A serious Karma Houdini, possibly [[C'tan|The Deceiver]] in disguise. Lusted for Catelyn, but when he couldn't have her changed his focus to Sansa, so now he's a paedophile.
* Petyr Baelish, ''Littlefinger'': The master of coin (the ASOIAF equivalent of a treasurer). Scheming, social climber who manages to trick and steal his way to positions of lordship and wealth because no one takes him seriously, and stabs all the Lannisters in the back. The guy responsible (directly or indirectly) for kick starting all the wars after Aerys was overthrown as part of his [[Just As Planned|master plan]], but no one in the story knows this, not even Varys. Possibly to be king at any cost, even if it means destroying Westeros and ruling over the ashes. A serious Karma Houdini, possibly [[C'tan|The Deceiver]] in disguise. Lusted for Catelyn, but when he couldn't have her changed his focus to Sansa, so now he's a paedophile.
−
* Sandor Clegane ''The Hound''. Younger brother to Gregor Clegane, called the hound because he's
a knight who was
the king's hired muscle but not in the Kingsguard, ergo compared to a guard dog. Terrified of fire after Gregor put his head against a brazier for playing with one of Gregor's old toys. A brutal anti-hero with a soft spot for Sansa, but a better person than his brother (easy
when said person is pretty much a medieval version of
Pyramid Head).
+
* Sandor Clegane ''The Hound''. Younger brother to Gregor Clegane, called the hound because he's the king's hired muscle but not in the Kingsguard
, or a knight because he hates knights
, ergo
he's
compared to a guard dog. Terrified of fire after Gregor put his head against a brazier for playing with one of Gregor's old toys
when they were children
. A brutal anti-hero with a soft spot for Sansa, but a better person than his brother (easy
since Gregor's basically
Pyramid Head
as a medieval man
).
*Pycelle: Old, seemingly harmless man who is actually Tywin Lannister's biggest lackey. He convinced the good old Mad King to let Tywin in as Bobby B's armies were marching on the capital, where Tywin proceeded to sack the city and claim it for Robert. Gets his throat slit by Varys' men.
*Pycelle: Old, seemingly harmless man who is actually Tywin Lannister's biggest lackey. He convinced the good old Mad King to let Tywin in as Bobby B's armies were marching on the capital, where Tywin proceeded to sack the city and claim it for Robert. Gets his throat slit by Varys' men.
* Qyburn: Formerly a maester, [[Fabius Bile|who was kicked out of the order for unethical experiments on the living]]. Introduced serving Roose Bolton which should be a red flag. Cersei employs him to replace Pycelle and eventually Varys. Serves Cersei loyally as long as she lets him indulge his sick experiments. May or may not have resurrected Gregor Clegane as a [[Space Marine]] called "Ser Robert Strong".
* Qyburn: Formerly a maester, [[Fabius Bile|who was kicked out of the order for unethical experiments on the living]]. Introduced serving Roose Bolton which should be a red flag. Cersei employs him to replace Pycelle and eventually Varys. Serves Cersei loyally as long as she lets him indulge his sick experiments. May or may not have resurrected Gregor Clegane as a [[Space Marine]] called "Ser Robert Strong".