I feel like having a proper conversation today.
I have realized an unfortunate trend in my posts. Apart from the fact that I basically only post on Mondays anymore I feel like I am holding back a lot lately. My posts have become a lot more matter of fact. At least that’s how I feel. And I have stopped really saying what I actually want to say. I didn’t feel like explaining myself thus I rather stopped telling certain things altogether. As a result it feels like I am intentionally starting to isolate myself.
I am 100% honest with what I am telling you here but it feels like everything I am sharing is a lot more edited than it used to be. One reason for this is that I am constantly short in time and I feel like really going deep is taking too long. Another reason is that even though I am actually really happy at the moment I feel like complaining and ranting 24/7. I know that’s a bit contradicting but that’s just the truth. I might be a bit of a drama queen and I am for sure guilty of using my posts for cathartic reasons. But I rather stop blogging altogether than making this a weekly pitty party for myself.
I don’t enjoy these kinds of post. Neither do I enjoy these kinds of bloggers. I don’t enjoy reading posts from people who complain about situations they have the power to change. On the other hand I also do not at all enjoy reading posts from people who pussyfoot around. At the moment I totally feel like that. But it’s in my power to change that.
I might not go back to my unedited self in one post but I try to be as true to myself as I can. Let’s chat a bit about last week and I’ll tell you everythinga few things I wouldn’t have told you last week.
The weekend last week was awefully social. On Monday I felt very tired and very burned out. I was busy all day but didn’t really get much done. Even though I was really motivated to work on my thesis I didn’t even open the document. I felt guilty all day. So I busied myself in my apartment. I cleaned the kitchen and answered work emails. Later that day I made Falafel and took pictures for a recipe post. But all day I felt terrible for slacking. I tried to tell myself that I just needed a rest day and should accept it. But it took all day to calm myself down.
I had to work from the office Tuesday to Friday. Even though I have managed to do everything that was on my work to do list my thesis fell short again. The office environment just keeps me from working on it. I don’t have the space there I’d need. That makes me really angry! I am angry because I can’t set my boundaries properly and that I can’t defend them once set. I can’t even be mad at the people who keep me from concentrating on my work because when I always say yes there will never be a reason for anyone to not interrupt me.
After Stefan’s project has slowed down significantly he was home Monday and Tuesday evening at a reasonable time (aka before stores actually close here). It was so good to have time to properly talk. And I mean not just exchanginge recent happenings but really talk. He cooked dinner for me one evening and we laughed together and just had a really good time. I feel like we haven’t been as care-free as we have been in the last two weeks for ages. We also haven’t laughed that much. I feel like stress is decreasing for the both of us right now and that shows in a really good way.
A few words on my relationship to working out at the moment. I went to Crossfit once and worked out at home once. I miss being in good shape, I miss being able to run and to feel strong. The worst and possibly most petty reason for my need to move is that I don’t really fit in my lighter clothes anymore. I have vowed to myself not to buy anything new. It’s either the clothes I already have or stretch pants. My own choice!
One afternoon I went on a coffee date with a former client and even though the context of our meeting was not the most fortunate it was lovely to reconnect with her. We will have coffee again soon and I am already looking forward to that.
We had a workshop on Friday evening and it took an hour longer than actually scheduled. For the entire day I had felt off and it didn’t help. I was in a foul mood and I was really tired. I arrived at home after 10 pm and was glad that Stefan was out and I had some space. When he came home about an our later I was in a better place already.
After over three and a half months I have finally managed to post a recipe post again. This is not for the lack of really good recipes I’d actually love to share. It is because I just don’t have the ressources to put in the work a recipe post requires. Because this is a shitton of work. But it made me really happy to share this recipe and I think if I actually scattered out the working steps I may share recipes on a more regular basis again. I sure miss it!
By the way you should totally check out my new falafel recipe if you haven’t already. It’s awesome and ready in 20 min.
After the ususal hustle and bustle on Saturday morning Stefan and I embarked on a kitchen adventure. His lovely co-worker had given us a boatload of Indian spices and a few recipes and we tried to make paneer in a tikka masala sauce and garlic naan. It took us several hours but we were rewarded with the most amazing dinner ever. The paneer was a bit too crumbly maybe but it tasted so so good! And we just had so much fun!
Sunday was unfortunately not a full day at home. My father-in-law invited us for lunch to a restaurant to celebrate his birthday. To be honest it was really just sucking out my energy for the rest of the day. I feel like it would have been more relaxing if we had eaten at home. But at least I had the afternoon to myself. I took a nap and cleaned the kitchen and just hung out. I felt a lot more energized in the evening.
Stefan and I spent the evenening on the couch watching a new episode of our favorite cooking show crying with laughter. I was so happy be recorded the show as this allowed us to rewatch one particular scene over and over again. I was in tears. It totally made my day.
Now I am linking up this long piece on my last week with my lovely list queen Meg hoping this week will be less of a struggle. I actually have exciting plans. More workouts, more self-paced work time and a date on Friday followed by a weekend of sweet nothingness. I also have a post in the works. Let’s see if that happens, too!
Have a lovely Monday guys!
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